- Member Since 31st Mar, 2017
- offline last seen Mar 10th, 2021
HeartfireFirebrand
A leaner of SFM who writes ocassionally
HeartfireFirebrand
Joined 31st Mar, 2017 ·
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HeartfireFirebrand · 14k words · 183 views
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This is too rushed (from peace to death in less than two thousand words) and there isn't enough details from the battles to enjoy them, also some parts of the story feels forced.
Interesting premise though. I'll keep a watch to see where this goes.
8254729
The fight scenes were more to set up the power disparity than anything else. Also I hope to expand on some of the stuff in future chapters, I'm glad for the feedback.
8254741
Don't worry about it, glad to be of help and I wish you for success.
It feels a bit better, although, if you want to eliminate the rushed feeling completely, you'll have to write a lot more than 1000 words. To be fair, you do write the basic here, how Pinkie Pie is feeling, how she went to the hospital, the interactions, etc. You can expand on that by (for example) detailing the damages Pinkie Pie has, how the pain is affecting her, the expressions in the character's faces (the relevant ones) and/or the description of the places they're located at.
Now, I know its kinda annoying to write that, but it will help you a lot on the long run to write better stories and, with practice, you'll be able to write 1000 words per hour, a very satisfying feeling, trust me.
Also:
Space after the period.
You can use the suspense periods (...) to write whenever a character stops talking for a brief moment that isn't the small pause of a coma.
I remembered her.
Also, whenever you write dialog, you don't have to write He/She said and then write the dialog. You can just state who's the character talking by writing Applejack looked at my harmed body and felt very confused - "What did just happened?" - She then looked at the Sirens. That way, the dialogue's flow will improve.
Those are just a few pointers, but I haven't read the next chapter, I'll give you more in there.
Another pointer, It's easier to know how the characters are feeling if you say the tone of their voice. Example:
Adagio and Sonata said in a very humble and low tone of voice: "We are eternally grateful"
It helps a lot, if you write in a First Person Perspective, that you let us know who's point of view is either by outright saying it or by giving a few more details that are related to the character's personality.
Example 1: (P)oint (O)f (V)iew: Rainbow Dash; P.O.V.: Pinkie Pie
Example 2: I clenched my fist with the same strength I make whenever I and Applejack compete, meanwhile, Rarity was talking to the Sirens. Because we know that Pinkie Pie is in the bed, it mentions rarity and Applejack as different entities and only Rainbow Dash competes with Applejack, we can infer that the P.O.V. belongs to Rainbow Dash.
I hope this help, you've managed so far of staying inside the plot and not feel confusing and that's harder than you may think.
8285307
Thank you for the advice.
This chapter was well made, IMO, regarding the pacing. It feels much better compared to other chapters.
8316177
Thank you, I'm sorry if the other chapters were a bit rushed, I didn't want to turn them into an chapter of exposition any more than I already did.
8316188
Do not worry, you've done well so far, but I do recommend you to feature this on the Editors group in case you want better advice than mine. You're guaranteed to have someone actually helping you.
8316278
Where would you suggest?
8316343
There's the Writers Group, The Looking for Editors group and The School for New Writers group.
Also, you'll get more traction if you use the Shameless Self Promotion Bureau.
I hope you find them useful.
An example: someone on The writer's group posted this thread about fighting scenes that I hope you can find useful.
Well, you can go from point A to point B and it can be seen your structure, now all you need is to give more content into your story. More details, more in depth and not feeling forced (Kai deciding to train Sunset felt as if he wanted just because and while it is understandable why Sunset wouldn't like Goku for being a Saiyan, there wasn't much in depth on how she felt or more contact between them to feel justified to attack on the air or to separate from Goku) but you are improving.
8410877
I was on the thought that she wouldn't like him because he is a saiyan.
8410877
I may need to put a few more chapters between this and the enxt one but that will have to wait.
Uhm...
1.- The narration makes the pacing feel broken, although
This legit felt like something Pinkie Pie would say.
2.- Those power levels man, I understand if you want to make Pinkie Pie so strong for whatever secret you hold but 2 million is way to high, it makes the rush of seeing this fights gone because we now know there's no way for Pinkie to lose, it feels that there's no risk of losing to the Saiyans and that there's no way to defeat her now.
3.- We don't have much descriptions for the fight scenes, making it feel very empty, it would help you a lot is these fights are told in third person instead of first person.
Will other Dragon Ball characters appear? Also, the Do in Daring Do only has one o in it.
8619964
Sorry, but I am just going to go with so it's consistant, I have another story with several chapter written as a sequels so
I'll just go with it.
8619920
2 The problem is not she's going to lose the problem is there is going to be nothing to stop when she wins, she is not exactly using common sense anymore, this is kinda like Pinkmena instead of Pinkie in a way.
4 I might try that in the next story for future fight scenes, it is juts me trying to keep the entire story in a single perspective because changing perspctives is a problem in a story.
8620311
4.- That's why 3rd person perspective its better to narrate in its entirety, it gives more freedom to narrate a story without changing perspectives.
8620620
Wouldn't it be weird to change prespectives mid story and I am not rewriting mutiple chapters in the second story to make it 3rd person. I may consider changing that in the 3rd story in this universe.
8620630
Not necessarily, it depends on how you control the focus. If you use a third person perspective you can talk about a character and, in the middle of it, change it to another character without losing the focus on the story, at the same time, it allows you to show about the story in a wider manner to the audience.
8621147
What I meant was I already wrote several chapters in first person, I don't want to have change all the tensing for several chapters. Still I may consdier third person for the final chapter of story 2 in this series and all subsequent stories in this series.
8621147
Also it's easier to set up twists in first person rather than third person as more things will be missed from a single characters perspective and I want surprises for the characters to be surprises for the readers as well.
8620307
Well, all right, but will other Dragon Ball characters appear?
8957480
I'm going to the end of Super but I'm skipping the Frieza Arc, Cooler will appear though.