• Published 15th Mar 2017
  • 872 Views, 54 Comments

Twilight's a thief, because who gives a crap about logic? - TheMajorTechie



Twilight stole a statue and doesn't give a crap about it, 'cause nothing is logical anymore. Rewritten with permission from Evictus' original fic.

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Don't blink... Actually, do blink, unless your eyes are already closed.

Author's Note:

Just to be clear, I'm imagining all of this being set before the Golden Oaks library got destroyed, and The Story Writer's original story seems to suggest the same thing.

It was the darkest time of the night in Equestria. All around, ponies were asleep, critters crawled about, roaming for their next meal... and two statues that appeared to vaguely mimic the appearances of Celestia and Twilight sat silent in the castle of Friendship.

In an instant, they were gone.

"Twilight," Celestia spoke to Twilight, "Where shall we strike first?"

The two statues were still completely silent, however, 'cause obviously, if one wants to mimic the way of the statue, they must be the statue. And as such, Celestia and Twilight were statues. That just happened to be able to telepathically communicate with each other, that is.

"Ponyville." Twilight simply replied, "There's always a disaster there anyways."

Celestia's statue nodded in amusement. "True, true." She mused, "And I suppose that we shall be its next disaster?"

Twilight's statue form smirked.

"I'll take that as a yes."


"So where shall we hit first?" Twilight asked her mentor as they trotted invisibly through Ponyville, "My friends? Bon Bon? Ooh, what about Vinyl? I've heard of what she does when she freaks out!"

"Shh..." Celestia shushed as they neared their first target.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "The Golden Oaks library? I thought we were gonna... oooh, right..." she suddenly realized, "Spike."

The two alicorns quietly slipped in through the wall using a quick teleportation spell, shielded by a wide-range silencing spell. Up the stairs they went, until they found themselves at the foot of Spike's basket... bed... thingy.

"How should we wake him up?" Twilight silently asked, "Should I poke him with this conveniently placed extra-long metal stick?" She asked, holding up the Conveniently Placed Extra-long Metal Stick with her magic.

Celestia shrugged, phasing out of invisibility into her statue disguise. "Go for it."

WARNING: THE NEXT SECTION DETAILS A SERIOUS(ly?) EVENT OF TWO ALICORNS INFILTRATING AND POKING A DRAGON HATCHLING, BEFORE PROCEEDING TO SCARE HIM INTO SCREAMING LIKE A NEWBORN FILLY IN A CLOWN'S CARE. TAKE APPROPRIATE CAUTION AS YOU READ.

Twilight began sweating as she slowly inched up to her slumbering assistant, the Extra-long Metal Stick held tightly in her grasp. Little by little, the stick inched closer and closer to its target.

Approximately 2.47591 seconds later, Spike got booped on the nose with an Extra-long Metal Stick.

"AHH!" He screamed, instantly jerking up from his slumber as he frantically waved his arms in front of him. "STAY AWAY, VILE FIENDS, FOR I AM SPIKE THE MAGNIFIC--what?"

Instead of the beastly ghoul he had expected to see before him, he found himself face-to-face with two statues vaguely resembling the form of his caretaker, and Princess Celestia. Confused, Spike rubbed his eyes in attempt to clear his vision, thinking that it might've been an artifact of his recently awaken slumber.

The only problem was, after he took his claws off his eyes, the statues were... different, so to say. They weren't completely changed or anything, but they were clearly in different positions. The Twilight statue was now directly beside him with a diabolical smirk plastered across its face, and as for the Celestia statue, it was now wearing a banana suit.

"Uh..." Spike began, stammering to himself, "I think I'll just leave you two alone."

The young dragon promptly jumped out the window, hollering about hauntings and possessed 'statue spirits'.

Twilight shook the stiffness from her joints, turning to her mentor, who was currently peeling herself from the banana suit.

"Success?" she asked with a raised brow, pointing at the panicking Spike that was now waking everypony on the street up.

"Success." Celestia whispered back.


For the rest of the night, the two mares barreled through each and every household, enacting responses ranging from a simple shrug, to not only burning down their own house, but strapping themselves onto the nearest rocket and shooting themselves to the moon.

Also, Ponyville was flooded with rainbows the next day due to Spike's horrid nausea from jumping out the window, so that happened.


You have now reached the end of the story. Please take care to remember to re-enable your logical brain functions, and don't forget to smile!

Comments ( 23 )

8023036 Definitely start with comedy - or at least something light-hearted.

What even is this?
Where even is this?
When even is this?
How even is this?
Why even is this?
Who even is this?
Who even is I?
Is I even Who?
Why is even who i how what this when?
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Approximately 2.47591 seconds

Give or take a handful of nanoseconds. And picoseconds. Can't forget those.

Lol a banana suit :rainbowlaugh:

8057678 There's also a video of Celestia in a banana suit as well :rainbowlaugh:

8057682 That was my inspiration for the chapter.

Can I link this version to the original?

No reason needed! None at all!

8447061
In this rewrite I basically just took the basic plotline and added my usual one-shot absurd-randomness twist to it. Other than that, I mostly kept the same plot.

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