• Published 15th Mar 2017
  • 871 Views, 54 Comments

Twilight's a thief, because who gives a crap about logic? - TheMajorTechie

Twilight stole a statue and doesn't give a crap about it, 'cause nothing is logical anymore. Rewritten with permission from Evictus' original fic.

  • ...

Oh hey. Look, a statue.

Author's Note:

Took a little while to figure out where this would be heading without straying too far from the original, but I managed to pull if off in my typical random-comedy style. :scootangel:

Credits to The Story Writer for the original story, since I wanted to do something nice for them since they've been getting quite a lot of abuse in the comments of their stories for writing so badly.


Originally by The Story Writer. Rewritten by TheMajorTechie with permission.

Original story: Thief

Twilight silently sipped her tea as she scanned her shelves for additional reading material. “Ah, yes...” she thought as she pulled a book with a yawn, “On the Structure of Hats: A Retrospective”. She sat herself down on a nearby 'chair' and began to read. Mid-way through another sip of tea, she was startled by a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” She called as she placed her tea and book beside her. She made her way towards the door, wondering who it could’ve been. Though, that question was quickly answered the moment she opened the door.

“Rarity?” Twilight began as the mare stepped inside, “Aren’t you supposed to be busy right now?”

Rarity shook her head. “Oh, goodness, no, Twilight. I’ve overworked myself quite a bit recently. I came here to take my mind off my work for once.”

Twilight nodded, and began to make her way back to her ‘reading corner’.

“What’s that you’re reading, dear?” Rarity asked as she followed after her friend, “Oh, that hat book?” she replied upon spotting the cover, “It’s quite a good read, if you ask me. There’s plenty of patterns to work with, and even though it’s got that horrid baseball cap on the cover, there’s plenty of other hats in there as well.”

The alicorn halfheartedly rolled her eyes in amusement as her friend began to ramble on about the exact thing that she had come to take her mind off of. It was minutes before she finally quit.

Why? Because she finally spotted the absurdly large crystalline statue of Celestia that Twilight was currently sitting on.

“Twilight?” she began again, her voice mildly raspy from her seemingly endless talk about hats earlier on, “Would you care to tell why the Sacred Totem of Amazingly Rad Epicness is… how would one put it… underneath your plot?

Twilight looked up from her book. “Oh, are you talking about the S.T.A.R.E. statue? I really thought that you were talking about the Arid Modem o’ Crazily Mad Nostrilhairs.”

Rarity facehoofed. “Twilight. Where did you get the statue?”

Twilight shrugged, shifting herself to the side, where she could read the book more comfortably.

“Twilight?” Rarity questioned again, “Tell me. Where did you get such a valued treasure? Especially one as well known as the S.T.A.R.E.”

Twilight set her book down on the statue’s face and sighed. “I stole it, Rarity,” she replied, “Clean and simple.”

“You what?!” Rarity gasped, “Why? Don’t you know what you’ve just done?!”

“Yup.” Twilight chirped calmly, “I stole one of Equestria’s most prized relics to use as a butt-holder, committed treason against the crown, ‘accidentally’ left Spike alone in the Crystal Caverns, and bought some tea.”

Rarity’s eye twitched as she failed to comprehend how her friend could do such a thing. “But… but why?” She asked, “What was the point of all this?”

Twilight took a long sip from her tea, before pouring herself another cup, and emptying that as well. “Why do you ask?” she finally replied, “It doesn’t really matter that much, does it? After all, it’s just a statue.”

“Just a statue?” Rarity screamed, “Just a statue?! You just stole one of the crown jewels of Equestria!”

By the time Rarity finished her brief rant, Twilight had finished pouring the entire teapot’s worth of liquid into her mouth.

“Yeah, so what?” She gurgled through the tea. At this point, small streams of the liquid had begun to leak at the corners of her mouth, and upon realizing this, she frantically threw the book at Rarity.

“CATCH!” She yelled, chucking the book at her friend as tea began to spill onto the S.T.A.R.E.

“ACK!” Rarity returned with an equally loud yell, “Twilight! Stop that this instant! You’re ruining the statue! You’ll be locked away in the dungeons!

Twilight swallowed the mouthful of tea. “Yeah, I know.” she said cooly, “Why, does that matter to you?”

Rarity took a deep breath to calm herself before she exploded again. “Twilight.” she began, “Think about what you’ve done. Think of how it’ll affect you. Your friends, your family. Think about dear Spikey-Wikey. Would you truly have the heart to leave him alone as you’re banished into the depths of the dungeons?”

Frowning, Twilight replied, “Alright, so first of all, Equestria, as far as I know, has never had a prisoner held for more than a couple years.” She paused for a moment, toying with her empty teacup. “Second of all, visitors are allowed, so I’ll still be able to see you guys pretty often. And third of all, does Spike really even matter anymore? I mean, he’s probably having the time of his life with all those crystals.”


“Yoooooo…” Spike said as he lay on the half-eaten floor of the third cavern, “These crystals are like… staring into those pots of rainbows”

The nearby guard scratched his head. “Uh, Sir Spike? I believe that you should probably leave before you suffer any long-lasting mental effects.”


“Hey Rarity,” Twilight asked slyly while Rarity lay muttering to herself on her fainting couch, “Want anything from Canterlot? I could steal it for you.”

“WHAT?!” Rarity hissed, “Oh, no, missy. You’re in enough trouble as it is.” She shoved her fainting couch back into the hammerspace, and pointed a hoof at the S.T.A.R.E. statue. “What you’re gonna do is help me bring that statue back to Canterlot, and put it where you found it.” she lectured, “Now hurry up and help me lift this thing before--”

The door was suddenly rammed down by a squadron of guards. “HALT.” The lead guard ordered, “By the order of Princess Celestia, the two of you are now under arrest.”

“What--no… I’m innocent!” Rarity cried in despair as Twilight was hauled into the armored chariot, “I’m the Element of Generosity, for heaven’s sake!”

The guard raised a brow. “No, I’m talkin’ about Twilight and her accomplice over there, Princess Celesti--oh…

Just then, the crystal statue chuckled, before bursting into hysteric laughter as Celestia dropped her disguise. “Y’ALL ARE FOOLS!” she howled with tears rolling down her face, “How didn’t you notice that I was missing that entire time? Or how the scroll came in from the left window instead of the right window when I sent it?”

“Um… I--” he stammered, “I mean, we didn’t expect that you’d be behind this, but--”



“Worth it?” Twilight asked as she held a hoof towards her mentor.

“Totally worth it.” Celestia replied, giving a hoofbump in return.

Rarity promptly passed out on her fainting couch, and Spike… Spike proceeded to barf rainbows for the next week and a half.