When Rarity tells Sweetie Belle she wants to hold her it surprises Sweetie Belle but Rarity holds her and Sweetie Belle turns out to like it like how she liked being held when she was little
Chapters (1)
TheEvilCookie
Joined 7th Dec, 2015 ·
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Nice fluff story
He's back!
8133454 Thanks! I'm glad you liked it!
8133456 Yes I am!
All right, it wasn't bad, but it could have definitely used a lot more development. Under other circumstances, I would like the blunt approach, as it is reminiscent of Hemingway, but unlike Hemingway, this bluntness is dull and weak. The impact of short sentences is lost through just how boring the prose is.
The opening, for example, suffers from just being so typical. Did you forget how to use pronouns, or how to construct a hook? I understand for these kinds of stories it's nigh-impossible to create an interesting hook, but still, it would have been nice to see some semblance of an actual opener.
You get points for fluff, but still, this was really short, and really underdeveloped. It's marginally better than your other stories since it's actually readable, but that doesn't excuse that it still suffers from all the same mistakes, namely a lack of concrete forethought.
8133478 It does lack a lot of substance yes. At least it's something
8133485 You've got a minimum of three-months worth of comments that have given repeated suggestions and advice. Kindly use them, yeah?
This was cute.
~Melly~
This could have been worse.
8133487 I will!
8133509 Did you like it?
8133505 Thank you! :)
8133521
You're welcome! :P
~Melly~
Everyone needs a hug!
Pretty decent improvement over the previous stories, if you ask me. It's much more readable.
8133525 :)
8133560 Thank you!
8133562
:3
~Melly~
8133568 Thanks again! :)
8133575
~Melly~
8133583 :)
The end? A little short, about what 36 words, but it's a sweet story. Oh wait...I'm supposed to click the chapter. Gotcha.
*After reading said chapter*
That was really sweet. It's a lot better than most of your stories. You just need to focus on flow better. Instead of
Try
Last thing, because you have now proved that you can improve. I give you a gift. Please use as needed.
copywritingtipsguide.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/copywriting-guide-cartoon-comma.jpg
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68.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l3hxlloAnT1qbolbn.jpg
Anyways. Please take a like
If you change the human tag to Equestria Girls tag, I think this would make more sense to me than saying they're humans in Equestria.
Congratulations, you made a story I could actually read to completion, for whatever that's worth.
8133657 I'm glad you enjoyed it :) Sorry about he commas
8133658 I hoped you liked it!
8133651
~Melly~
8133662
I didn't hate it, if that's what you're asking..
Anyways, as part of the internal rule I've set for myself, I must give you a like if you can manage to keep me reading the whole way through. So, I gave you a like.
If I don't make it through, then you'll see what sentence I stopped reading at in my comments; this time, there was none.
8133663
8133676 Thanks so much! I'm glad you read it through and enjoyed it!
My God... an Evictus story with a positive like/dislike ratio! What are the odds?
Seriously though, good improvement over your past... works.
8133681
~Melly~
8133686 I'm so happy it did well!
8133688
Yay!
8133692
~Melly~
8133695
8133699
~Melly~
8133692
~Melly~
8133706
8133723
~Melly~
8133709
8133731
~Melly~
8133735
8133736
~Melly~
8133737
8133740
~Melly~
8133743 :D
8133749
^-^
~Melly~
8133753 :P
8133759
XD
~Melly~
8133760 :)
8133764
>.<
~Melly~