One night a storm is raging outside while Rarity is sleeping and Sweetie Belle is up as she is to scared of the storm to go to sleep.
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TheEvilCookie
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Simple and sweet.
Look up "Show Don't Tell", you explicitly say things far too much.
7811312 Boo.
7811132 Thanks!
7811312 I think I describe the story pretty well
Haven't even read it yet and already it sounds very similar to a story I wrote. Hmm... maybe for better or worse, let's find out.
Why should I read the story if you literally tell us what happens in the description? You ruin the entire story by doing so, and give the reader no desire to read this.
7811793 He's right, though.
7811841 Hope you like it :)
7811925 Okay so maybe I did give everything away in the description I'll shorten it
7811903 Sorry I didn't mean to give everything away in the description
7811793 long form criticism:
Show don't tell means you can't tell your readers how a character is feeling. A lot of your story is: Sweetie was scared, the thunder was loud and Sweetie was happy that Rarity hugged her.
YOu should work on showing us that Sweetie is scared by saying that she whimpered as another roar rocked the house. You do this in parts of your story you just need to work on doing it more.
The story is very nice. But, your description should be very vague, and leave people on a lagging question. Few grammical errors, but nothing very bad.
I have three older half-siblings, two sisters and a brother along with a younger full-brother. The only one of my older siblings I see or hear from on a semi regular basis is the younger of my sister. the last time I heard from my oldest sister and brother was my Mom's funeral. I can kind of understand it with my sister because she is a special education administrator in a school two states away. My brother on the other hand lives two towns over but because the cunt (my mom hated that word but even she used it to describe her) he married made him turn his back on his family going against our dad's last request before he died of lung cancer, which was to remember that he has two younger brothers.
7812138 I know I should of detailed it more. I apologize
7813284 I'm glad you liked it. I have a problem with giving to long story descriptions so I apologize
7820340 I. So sorry you went through that