When A Mommy And A Daddy Love Each Other Very Much...
“Rarity, where do babies come from?”
Rarity choked on her earl grey, making a very undignified snorting sound. She stared at her little sister as if she had sprouted a second head. Sweetie didn't notice at first, and simply kept munching on her cereal. It wasn't until she got down to her milk did she realize that Rarity was still staring. Rarity blinked, then shook her head to free herself from her daze.
Say something!
“Er… May I ask why you want to know?” asked Rarity, setting what remained of her tea on the table. Sweetie Belle grabbed her bowl with her magic, brought it to her lips and slurped down her milk.
“I dunno. Just curious, I guess,” said Sweetie with a shrug. “I heard Diamond Tiara talking to Silver Spoon about it, and they couldn't figure it out, either. I thought you might be able to explain it to me.”
“O-of course!” Rarity screamed internally to find a way out if this. “Um… I think you should ask Mom and Dad.”
“Well, I tried, but Mom is out on business for a few weeks, and Dad fainted when I asked.” Sweetie Belle didn't really think much of it. Her dad was kind off a goofball. “Do you not know the answer or something?"
“No, I do, it’s just… Oh, dear. I didn't think you'd be asking those sort of questions yet,” sighed Rarity. “Come here, Sweetie. We need to talk.”
About six different warning signals went off in Sweetie’s head. There were a few different “we need to talks” Sweetie had come to expect from her sister, from the angry tone she adopted whenever Sweetie messed up her house (Sweetie! We need to talk!) to the hysterical sing-song tone when Sweetie ruins a dress (Sweetie! We need to ta~lk!) This one, however, was brand new, and that scared her.
“Um…. Am I in trouble?” asked Sweetie, carefully trotting over to her sister. Rarity wrapped her hoof around Sweetie, hugging her tightly.
“Of course not. It's just very important that we have this talk properly,” said Rarity. “You're getting to about that age. I want you to understand this entire thing and feel comfortable to ask me anything.”
“Um… Okay?”
“Sweetie, you're getting to an age where your body starts to change. You're going to feel things and think things that you never felt or thought before,” explained Rarity, trying to be as tactful as possible. “Especially about boys. You're going to look at colts differently.”
“What, like a coltfriend?” asked Sweetie.
“Well… sort of. What I mean is that you're going to start liking boys.”
“But Rarity, I already like boys. Button and Pip are my friends. I like everypony.”
Sweetie Belle’s adorable naivete wasn't making this any easier for Rarity. Rarity struggled to think of a way to explain. She tried to think back to when her parents had the dreaded “Talk” with her.
She realized that they never did.
“Okay, Sweetie, er…” Rarity tried to swallow the awkwardness of the situation. “when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they… Well, they sort of cuddle and kiss, and then….”
Rarity couldn't continue, but not for the reasons most evident. It was no longer a question of embarrassment. Rarity literally didn't know what to say.
“Um… the stallion… he puts… no, wait,” Rarity strained her brain in thought. She genuinely had no clue. She thought there must have been something to do with…
Rarity flipped her tail up and looked to her rear, searching for… Well, whatever it was, it wasn't there.
“Rarity? You do know where babies come from, right?” Sweetie tilted her head slightly. “Right?”
“Of course I know! It’s just…” Rarity tapped her hoof impatiently. “Alright, maybe I don’t know! I never had much reason to think about it.”
“How can you not know? You’re supposed to be a grown-up, Rarity!” Sweetie Belle couldn’t believe this. How was this possible? “Grown-ups have all the answers!”
“Nopony has all the answers,” said Rarity. “Wait just a moment… Ide~a! I actually do know somepony with all the answers! Let's go ask her!”
“But, Rarity, I have to go to school,” said Sweetie. She looked at the clock on the wall. She was already running late.
“Nonsense! This is far more important!”
Sweetie Belle was about to argue that education was important and that Rarity wasn't being a very good role model. If she didn’t go to school, then she wouldn’t learn what she needed in order to go to a good college. If she didn’t go to a good college, she couldn’t get a good job. If she couldn’t get a good job, then she’d end up homeless and alone. That just wouldn’t do. Sweetie knew that she would have to do better than that. She just had to go to school and learn as much as she could, no matter how boring it was.
Then, she remembered that she had a math test today.
“Okay, Rarity. Whatever you say.”
“Erm… Rarity?” Twilight shifted in her seat uncomfortably. “I don’t really understand why you’re asking me to explain this. I don’t even feel comfortable enough to have this discussion with Spike. I think you should really be the one to explain this to Sweetie Belle.”
Rarity and Sweetie Belle stood before the Princess of Friendship, who couldn’t be any less comfortable. She kept looking over her shoulder, praying to the goddess above that Spike wouldn’t overhear and get curious.
“Well, I thought that an intellectual mare like yourself may be able to explain the intricacies of the process in ways I could not,” said Rarity. “Furthermore, I would like for you to—”
“She doesn’t know either,” said Sweetie Belle flatly.
“Nonsense, Sweetie Belle. Of course she knows,” said Twilight. Rarity blushed faintly pink and looked away. “Wait… Rarity? Do you not know where babies come from?”
“Twilight, please,” said Rarity. “Let’s not make this about me. What’s important is that Sweetie Belle gets the education she deserves.”
“No, I think what’s important is how your parents never had The Talk with you,” said Twilight. Rarity frowned slightly.
“Sweetie, cover your ears.” Sweetie Belle looked confused for a moment, but she did as she was told. “Twilight, darling, you have to understand. My parents are… Well, to put it lightly, my parents are rather…”
“Mom and Dad are kinda dumb,” said Sweetie, her hooves still covering her ears. “Why do you think I live with Rarity?”
“I wouldn’t have phrased it like that, but…” Rarity sighed. “It’s frankly a miracle I survived my adolescence.” She turned to face Sweetie. “You can uncover your ears now, darling.”
“So… You want me to explain to you both where babies come from?” asked Twilight. The sisters before her nodded. “Er… I really don’t know if I’m the pony for the job.”
“Please, Twilight. You’re the smartest mare I know,” said Rarity. “What’s more, I am absolutely certain you can explain it in a way that eliminates as much of the awkwardness as possible.”
“I’m just really curious,” said Sweetie with a shrug. “I still don’t see the big deal. It has to do with a boy and a girl, right?”
“Um… Fine, I suppose I could explain it,” sighed Twilight. “So, when a mommy and a daddy love each other, they come together and… They… Well, normally, they go on three to five dates first. Then… They get together and they kiss and cuddle. Then, the stallion… He… Er…”
“Twilight, it’s okay,” said Sweetie. “You can just come out and say it. No matter how weird or gross it is, I think I can take it.”
“I’m sure you can, Sweetie. It’s just…” Twilight scratched her head nervously, occasionally glancing at her rear in search of… something.
“Oh my Celestia, are you serious?” said Sweetie, growing more and more irate. This just had to be a joke. “You don’t know either?!”
“I’m… I’m thinking!”
“This is getting ridiculous! How do neither of you know where babies come from?!”
“Hey, you don’t know either!”
“I’m seven!”
“Girls, girls! There’s no point in arguing,” said Rarity. “While I agree that you really should know where babies come from, I know that not everypony can possibly know everything. So… I suggest we come together and try to find a solution.”
“Right. So, we need to find somepony who can keep a secret,” said Twilight. “Somepony who we can trust implicitly. Someone who knows even more than I do. That’s going to narrow the options a considerable amount… Oh dear.”
“Have you thought of someone?” asked Rarity. Twilight nodded grimly, rising to her hooves.
“I’ll send the letter right now,” said Twilight solemnly.
“I do not believe I understand what it is you’re asking us,” said Princess Celestia. When she heard that Twilight had a question for her and Luna, the Sun Princess pulled her sister away from her work and corralled her into the throne room. Twilight, Rarity, and Sweetie Belle arrived soon after, and, when Celestia asked Twilight what her question was, she was met with vague, roundabout statements and nonsensical gibberish.
“Princess, I don’t think you understand how truly difficult this is of me to ask,” said Twilight, shamefully staring down at her hooves. “But… How did we get here?”
“Er… I presume you took the train,” said Celestia.
“No, not like that. I mean… How did we get here. All of us.”
“Hm? Do you speak of us as a species?” asked Luna. “Because that is a question that may better be left unanswered.”
“No, not that either.” Twilight giggled in a crazed, hysteric sort of way. “I mean… What steps, specifically, resulted in the lives of every pony in Equestria?”
“Forty-two,” said Celestia. Twilight tilted her head in confusion. “You are asking for the meaning of life, no?”
“Princess Celestia, where do babies come from?” asked Sweetie Belle, tired of this entire ordeal. She wished she would’ve just taken that stupid math test.
“Oh? And why could your sister not tell you?” asked Luna.
“Because our parents really shouldn’t be allowed to take care of children.”
“So you do not know how to answer your sister’s question?” asked Celestia. Rarity blushed, looking just about everywhere but directly at Celestia.
“It… It never came up…” muttered Rarity. “I never needed to know…”
“And Twilight not knowing does not surprise me,” continued Celestia. “She never paid much attention to love magic or anything of that sort, and this does fall under Cadance’s domain.”
“What does Cadance have to do with anything?” asked Twilight. “Princess, I don’t think you understand. I feel like I’ve read about the process during my biology studies, and I’m about 92% certain that we, as a species, are missing something necessary to—”
“And that, my dear, is your problem,” said Celestia. “This is not a scientific answer. This is firmly rooted in amoramancy, love magic.”
“You said it has to do with Princess Cadance?” asked Rarity. Celestia nodded.
“When a mare and a stallion love each other, and wish to bear a child, they perform a ritual in their bedroom in the dead of night,” said Celestia.
“What kind of ritual?” asked Sweetie.
“They gather together, projecting their love for one another outwards. Princess Cadance then picks up on that love, and, if she judges it pure and worthy, she delivers unto them a filly or colt to call their own.”
This was a stunning revelation for just about everypony in the room. Nopony really knew how to take that. It made sense, in a way, for children to be a gift from the Goddess of Love. And of course Cadance would want to ensure that the parents in question truly loved one another. However, though Celestia’s explanation answered one question, it raised several more.
“Then how come ponies know they’re going to have a baby before it shows up?” asked Twilight.
“And if Cadance judges their love first, why do some parents split up after having their children?” asked Rarity.
“How the heck does the baby get into the mom’s belly?” asked Sweetie Belle. Celestia raised her hooves, calling for silence.
“I know not all of the inner workings of the process. For that, you must visit my niece,” said Celestia. “I hope my answer was sufficient for you all. If you wish to learn more, I suggest a trip to the Crystal Empire.”
“Thank you, princess,” said Twilight, several questions still bouncing around in her head. “I appreciate you taking the time to answer this for us. Come on, girls. Let’s see if Cadance can clear things up for us.”
With a wave and a bow from each to the princesses, Twilight, Rarity, and Sweetie Belle departed from the throne room. Celestia watched them go, forcibly smiling as they trotted out. When she was certain that they were gone, she used her magic to summon a roll of parchment and a quill. She hastily began scribbling a letter, much to Luna’s curiosity.
“Who is that for?” asked Luna.
“Cadance,” said Celestia simply.
“That story you told the girls isn’t true, is it?”
“Not in the slightest.”
“And I presume you also have no idea where babies come from?”
Princess Celestia, the eldest, wisest, most powerful being in all of Equestria, looked at her sister, raising her hoof in protest. For near a full minute, the entire throne room was entirely silent.
“No clue,” said Celestia finally. Luna let out a sigh of exasperation, shaking her head at the events that had transpired.
“I really hope Cadance knows,” sighed Luna.
Princess Cadance sat in the nursery, gently rocking her filly as Shining fixed the crib that Flurry had broken for the thousandth-or-so time. It was a rare moment of peaceful serenity, where the only thing to hear was the soft thudding of a hammer and Flurry’s content babbling.
A small burst of energy erupted from Cadance’s horn, condensing into a roll of parchment marked with the seal of Canterlot. She caught the letter out of the sky with her magic, turning it over curiously.
“Shiny, were we expecting mail from Auntie Tia?” asked Cadance.
“Not that I know of,” said Shining. “Must be important.”
Cadance nodded her agreement, then split the letter’s seal. She skimmed over its contents once, twice, three times, a shocking realization descending onto her. She raised the mostly-napping Flurry Heart into the air, holding the baby a bit away from herself.
“Uh… Shiny?” asked Cadance.
“Yes, my love?”
“This is going to sound like a strange question…”
“Mh-hm?”
“Where the hell did this baby come from?"
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Poor ponies. At this rate, in a hundred years or so, every single one will become extinct. (apart from those eternal alicorns)
Hmm... maybe this is what happened to the dinosaurs... screw all that fake Big Bang nonsense, their parents just didn't teach them proper sex ed. Mystery, solved.
XD XD XD XD XD XD
Oh my god that ending though.
To that last question:
Hasbro's merchandising department.
That got really weird, really quickly. And I love it! Liked and favorited.
Okay, that made me laugh... and also a good question since ponies aren't, you know, anatomically correct in the show...
orig02.deviantart.net/a30d/f/2017/055/2/7/fashionably_resting_by_hillbe-db0abdt.jpg
8010343 Exactly my thoughts.
There is something utterly meta and quantum physics-y about babies in MLP. It's like if no characters ever see where the baby actually comes from, then knowledge about such matters doesn't exist in their universe and babies simply pop in out of nowhere.
The closest character that ever acknowledged the possibility of a process was Mr. Cake when he wondered out loud whether his foals were really his.
That was...interesting
Shit went down real quick XD
i wonderful poke at Y tv ratings
bravo sir bravo
That was funny as all heck. I am somewhat impressed.
That question is a question my mom didn't answer until I begged her to give me the Sex Talk when I was twelve
I already knew what sex was since I read it in a dictionary shh
But anyway, loved this story!
Though I really should be studying for my exams, but then again, dumb ponies not knowing what sex is is more important than Algebra.
P.S. I don't even know what's the purpose of this comment.
8010307 Well, Shiny and Cadance have obviously done it, even if Cadance (at last) isn't aware of how A led to B...
8010347 I've seen several authors postulating a magical "TV-Y" shield, or physical retractability. Either of those seem reasonable to me.
Oh, my!! The whole story was great and I loved Sweetie Belle just wanting a simple answer and getting frustrated! That last line though....priceless! Great, funny story!
8010307 Improper sex-ed is likely the most terrifying thing I've ever personally encountered. When I was in the 11th grade, I had English with a girl that genuinely believed she could get pregnant if she swallowed after giving a blowjob. It was incredible, and a little bit sad.
Thanks for reading!
8010340 Glad you enjoyed!
8010346 I appreciate you taking the time out to read my weirdness. Thank you!
8010840 I once knew a girl in her teens, who thought you could be up the duff if you sat on a toilet seat after a boy had used it, so your story doesn't surprise me at all.
8010377 I know it's a cartoon, but the idea that ponies simply have no genitals and babies just appear is the funniest thing in the world to me. It's absurd.
I always found that Mr. Cake thing to be really strange. Funny as all hell, but also kind of uncomfortable to imply, in a kid's show, that his wife may have been unfaithful. That;s why I love the show, for wild moments like that.
Thanks for reading!
8010844 Jesus, how hard is it to properly teach your children how pregnancy and sex works?
Also, I'd never heard the term "up the duff" before, and now I will make sure I use that term exclusively.
8010848 Sorry, I think you have to be British for it to make any sense...
8010851 Never apologize for teaching me British slang, I love that shit.
8010852 Really? I just thought it was a load of old bollocks...
Oh well, you're welcome to raid my Blighty-saturated mind anytime for common expressions and phrases whenever you want.
Now, I must finish my fish'n'chips before I hail a black cab to work for the day, not forgetting my brolly of course...
i enjoyed this! it was funny haha
*snrk*
8010846 Toon physics aside, I generally accept that they do have genitals but everything that would ruin their TV-Y rating is conveniently tucked away (at least in the case of males) inside some kind of slit that is invisible when closed.
There's some actual canon for that - In "A Dog and Pony Show" it was revealed Spike has a mysterious pocket in the side of his thigh that can hide items like the large, blue gem Rarity gave him without showing the least bit of a bulge or seam. If the boys can pack something like that inside of them, both they and the girls have it made in the shade for hiding parts that would make parents blush.
The answer is factories. In China. Out of plastic molds.
I just assume that the ponies have that anatomy, as would any living thing, and being that it's TV-Y7 they don't actually show those bits on the show. Consider it cartoon censorship, nothing more.
Besides, what sort of self-respecting animators want to constantly draw horse balls and vaginas for a kids show?
8011312 This was never supposed to be a serious analysis of pony genitals. Just a humorous poke at how strange things would be if the show's universe was exactly as it appeared to be.
Of course they have the necessary anatomy. Even if Celestia’s story about praying to Cadance was true, they'd still need to go to the bathroom.
8011320 Yeah, I know it wasn't meant to be serious, just thinking out loud.
Still, can you imagine a bizarro world where MLP is anatomically correct, and there being animators in charge of that?
Lead Animator of new show: "So, it says here that you worked on My Little Pony. Just what were you in charge of?"
Former MLP Animator: *thinks back to those years of animating horse bits on every single pony, then blushes and looks away* "I don't wanna talk about it..."
Well done on being a featured story now, BTW
Hmm. Yep, that sounds about right.
And now we have Google to answer all our questions today.
8010307
Yet Cadance a mother has no idea how she had her own child.
8011416 Thanks! I honestly didn't expect for this story to make it there, but I'm glad it did.
8011473 If I had easy access to the Internet when I was learning about this sort of thing... I'd be even more messed up than I am now.
8011497 You know how babies are. One minute, you're getting married, getting through the honeymoon phase, then, next thing you know, bam! A baby appears in your arms.
Seriously, where the hell did this baby come from? Someone please find its parents.
"Oh my goodness! I've been...I've been censored!" *faints dramatically onto chaise*
If Sweetie no do well in school, Sweetie not get no job! If Sweetie not get no job, Sweetie no make no money! If Sweetie no make no money, Sweetie no can afford BMW 6 Series!
OUCH!
Well that's clever!
Okay, that was pretty damn funny.
8011530 I'm glad you enjoyed. Thanks for reading
8010575 I've always just assumed "censorship magic". I've even read a story on this sight where Twilight explains that ponies have an instinctive censorship magic that affects their fuzz, hiding anything that needs hidden.
TRIGGERED
8011584 You're losing me on the smurfs thing, kid
This is one of those stories where the more you read it, you notice little details you didn't see before...
I'm not talking about on the anatomically incorrect ponies of course, thankfully.
Oh man this is just too good. Everything about this story is hilarious
8011608 Oh? Details like what, may I ask?
8011613 Thanks, glad you liked.
8011626 Sorry, all you're going to get from me there is a
8011579 My parent got off easy, I never needed The Talk. Being an Ashura with increasing access to inherent knowledge of the Cosmos meant that I had a full and comprehensive knowledge of everything from proper cunnilingus technique to rope skills and sweet spots by the time I was 14. By the time my dad asked me if I needed the talk I was like "Why, what do you need to know?"
8011577
Why?