Odds On At Least One Of These Appearing In S7: Don't Ask
"Oh, great: here come some more of them..."
"It's all right, Twi. Y'know this won't take too long."
"But it's getting so annoying! They just keep coming and coming, and... do you think that maybe this time, any of it will at least -- make sense?"
"Probably not. An' here's the first of the day. Let's see what he's got goin' for him."
"Beware! I, and I alone, shall conquer the world and end Equestria's reign of stupid Harmony! For I am -- Lantern Dimmer!"
"...really."
"I said, I am Lantern --"
"Yeah, she heard you. So what do you do?"
"Behold! BEWARE MY POWER!"
"-- and now it's slightly harder to see in here. So how exactly does this conquer the world?"
"When you try to consult your precious books in order to learn how to defeat me, you'll lose precious time to taking them outside! Time I will use to complete my nefarious plans!"
"Sugarcube, is he serious?"
"Just as serious as the rest of them."
"...don't talk about me like I'm not here."
"Fine." *MAGIC BLAST* "Now I can talk about you like you're not here. Because you're not. Technically. Somepony collect his ashes and I'll use them to write on the scroll recording what he did. Next?"
"Behold your doom, ponies! For I am -- GLASS RIMMER!"
"Oh, Ah gotta hear this one -- Twi, let me take it, 'kay? So what's your gimmick?"
"I make the world's best margaritas."
"...o-kay. Ah think maybe y'gotta go into a little more detail here. You're evil, right?"
"Ever wake up the morning after having too many margaritas?"
"Good point. But how, an' Ah'm not sure Ah can stress this enough, does that doom everypony?"
"World's. Best. Margaritas. The morning after having them. With everypony huddled under their blankets praying for Sun to go out, I, and only I, will use the time to take over the world --"
"-- or y'could jus' open up a bar in town and charge money for 'em, then make enough t' practically buy the world."
"...I hadn't thought of that."
"Yeah, kinda figured y'hadn't."
"I could make a real living at this."
"Sure could."
"Everypony would love me. Until the next morning."
"Sure would."
"And you know, I could just set aside part of my bar for open mic karaoke nights --"
"-- Twi? Go ahead."
*!MAGIC BLAST!*
"That one almost felt like a pity, AJ. I mean -- we just cost everypony the world's best margaritas."
"Yeah, but we also saved 'em from drunk open mic night karaoke. Ah figure it balances out. So how's the line lookin' out there?"
"Don't ask. Just let the next one in."
"Defend yourselves, foolish ponies! For my every-four-years time has come around again! The time of -- Synchronized Swimmer!"
"You know, I knew this day would come."
"...you did? Most ponies try to deliberately forget."
"Well, it was kind of inevitable. You're like our seventeenth Swimmer since this started."
"Did any of the others occupy your time with utter boredom while your brain destroyed itself trying to figure out how the scoring system worked?"
"No."
"The network is contractually obligated to broadcast me for three hours. On delay. Imagine your frustration at knowing I've won and still having to wait for the final results!"
"...wow. I am in pain. I am in actual physical pain from your having said that."
"Imagine how the network feels. And you'll never unravel my deepest mystery."
"Which is?"
"I've been a recognized medal sport for forty-eight years and nopony can explain why."
"You know, Applejack, I wouldn't feel right, destroying something with a forty-eight year history."
"Ah understand."
"YOU ARE HELPLESS BEFORE ME!"
"So y'want me t' do it?"
"Please."
*!!MEGA-KICK!!*
"It's easier to write with blood than ash anyway. So who's next?"
"Your castle will collapse under a tidal wave of sensations unimagined! I am ###### Rimmer!"
"...repeat that?"
"Your castle --"
"The last part."
"I am ###### Rimmer!"
"...okay. Let's pretend this is about something more than having gotten a pair of Rimmers in the same day. Really, really slowly: how does this work?"
"You seriously don't know?"
"Not a clue."
"You really are as naive as you look. Seriously, you've never ######ed?"
"Um... just get to the part where you explain your evil plan, okay?"
"Well -- truthfully, I don't talk about it in public much. I usually just leave a lot of pamphlets around explaining things. How it's done. Why it's great. Stuff like that."
"And?"
"Your entire military become fascinated, goes home to their loved ones, and then they ###### with ###### and sometimes they bring a ###### to the party, so they can ###### with each other's ######. Oh, and it helps if you use a candle. For the wax. So while they're all distracted by all that ###### --"
*!!!MEGA-MAGIC BLAST!!!*
"Oh, thank Celestia."
"Yeah."
"I couldn't deal with that one for another second."
"Me neither."
"That was the hardest one all week."
"Looked like yer usual effort. How come y'think that was the worst?"
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to blast somepony into ash and leave their explanatory pamphlets behind? Next!"
"I am Fashionably Slimmer! All ponies everywhere will collapse before my completely unrealistic portrayal of physical beauty! Once you starve yourselves into comas trying to match my standards, there will be none left to --"
"I am Sauce Simmer! As long as you're forced to watch me, I'll do absolutely nothing!"
"I am Pool Skimmer! Only I don't! You pay me to clean and I won't! With your mind occupied by rage at my laziness and your time taken by having to do all the work yourself, you will be removed from my path as I --"
"I am Chokingly Primmer, or so I will make all of Equestria address me from now on! Yes, you may have once known me as Miss Harshwhinny, but you should have always known that the only way I could enforce my high standards on the world was through turning to evil!"
"I am Progressively Grimmer! Can we make this short? I want to take over everything before sunset so I can get back to writing my fanfic."
"I am Warm Crimmer!"
"...huh?"
"Warm! Crimmer!"
"...you're a giant animated pile of grey lamb wool."
"I perfectly insulate and make the world's best winter garments! But when you bankrupt yourself trying to afford me --"
*!NOT-SO-MEGA-MAGIC DEANIMATING BLAST!*
"-- or she could jus' try a really big free sample. Nice work not makin' ash there."
"Well, it would have kind of defeated the purpose. I guess if we're getting that obscure, it's probably about time to call it quits for the day."
"Ah don't know. Ah could do one more."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah. Less t' get through t'morrow, right?"
"Okay. One more. Go ahead and open the --"
"...hi."
"-- what are you?"
"I saw the line, and I haven't done any real projects for a long time, and I was wondering... do you have any bit parts available? Because at this point, I just kind of want to keep my name out there, maybe connect into the youth market..."
"What. Are? You?"
"See? My recognition is fading! I can't just live off my residuals forever! And my daughter's five, so if I do this, I'll be such a hero to her... Plus you know I'm good at things about friends!"
"You've got two seconds to --"
"-- I'm David Schwimmer."
"...get out."
"At least let me give you my IMDB sheet."
"I changed my mind. You have one second."
"YOU HIRED PATTON OSWALT!"
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"Twi, that was your gardener."
"I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking! I just saw the name Lawn Trimmer and instinct took over!"
You know, I've actually seen David Schwimmer in things and I still had to look him up. I feel almost guilty now.
7828336
I am so sorry for not having thought of that one before you did.
But honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. Have you ever seen a typical landscaping bill? 100% chance that pony was evil.
7828336
Well, at least she hasn't vaped Edge Strimmer yet.
You see, one day, Discord met Arnold Rimmer.
Discord was very annoyed, and... Yeah, that happened.
7828346
Star Swirl agrees: he was in league with the plants.
"I am Perpetual Winner!"
"Go back to your own continuity, Cloud Kicker."
In any case, a very entertaining little interlude, especially given how the Brinner Brigade technically qualifies. Thanks for it.
Just before closing up shop for the day, one more challenger walks in -- a strange biped dressed as a clown.
"HOIL! See your doom before you and tremble! Freundlavin!"
Twilight replies, "Okay, who are you?"
"I'm Whipporwill Wimmer! Freundlavin!"
For out of nowhere, a small black dog-like thing, also bipedal, wearing a light blue sweater and a backwards red baseball cap with a matching red nose strolls in. "Don't worry, Princess Purple. I got this," it says with a slight Australian accent. It then proceeds to pull a dynamite plunger from a small brown sack in its hand, then depresses it, blowing Whipporwill Wimmer to kingdom come as he screams, HOOOOOOIIIIIIIIILLLL!"
The dog-child-thing doffs its cap to Twilight and AJ, then goes back to wherever it came from.
Twi and AJ turn to each other and simultaneously say, "We're done."
7828418
Just in time, too. If he hadn't been stopped, he would have invited them to a private screening of The Day The Clown Cried.
I think you've discovered a level of doneness never before seen by ponykind.
David Schwimmer!
Seriously, the guy's pretty cool. Imagine David Schwimmer actually voicing a villain in S7.
Also, to paraphrase AnimatedJames, after Starlight Glimmer and Sunset Shimmer, the next villain will be named Seafood Dinner.
"Behold your doom, for I am Freudian Slip!"
Twilight Sparkle sighed and rested a hoof against her forehead. "I'm sorry. That's pathetic. I'm going to have to ass you to leav--"
"Ah, HA!" crowed the stallion moments before the Beam of Rainbow Magic blotted him from existence.
"Don't say it," warned Applejack, holding a hoof over Pinkie Pie's mouth.
"What?" asked Rainbow Dash, hovering so the flecks of combusted stallion would not get into her mane. "That he made an ash out of himself?"
"Hey Twi, I've got the mail!"
"Thanks Spike. Anything important?"
"We've got an invitation to a potluck dinner, a flyer accusing us of being heathen sinners, and Celestia writes that the political situation in Canterlot is at a volatile simmer..."
"I'm just going to stay in bed."
You wrote all of that for the Schwimmer joke, didn't you
7828505
Nah. I actually wrote all of that because so many people keep telling me I write Twilight as underpowered and don't let her use magic to solve every last one of her problems. BEHOLD!
7828520
*!MAGIC BLAST!*
7828346
Speaking as someone who was a gardener (briefly):
That is entirely correct.
Someone once asked me why I would become a gardener. And I pointed out that gardening is actually mostly about killing stuff and/or cutting it to bits. How many other profession have legal access to that many murderously sharp and destructive implements?
Co-incidence?
No. No it is not.
It could be worse.
The new rhyming pony could be voiced by BRIAN BLESSED! A man SO LOUD EVEN THE DEAF CAN HEAR HIM!
(Actually, I want to see BRIAN BLESSED! in an episode, pared off against Princess Luna.)
And then Albert Wesker showed up...and all hell actually broke loose...
7828809 He could play Discord's older, slightly madder, brother.
7828809
7829052
GORDON'S ALIVE!
You forgot one!
Twi,"Who are you,*sigh*
Green hooded menace,"I am the HEDGE TRIMMER"
Twi,"...and whut do yu du¿"
HT,"I trim all your hedges so low that everypony can see into your backyards and see all the lewd fetishes you get up to..."
*chainsaw starting and revving noises*
*blood spatters all over with the sounds of screaming ringing in all ponies ears*
Pinkie,"Nopone sees what Cheesie and I get up to in the backyard!"
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/1/3/798746__safe_pinkie+pie_animated_dark_chainsaw_stick+figure_artist-colon-yunguy1_doors.gif
derpicdn.net/img/2014/2/3/541982/large.png
I AM VERY CONFUSED
I am... News Skimmer!
I glance at the news every day, and use what little information I have gained to twist any argument to my favor! Cower before my selective ignorance!
What hath mine eyes beheld?
What is this madness??
And why, for the love of Celestia, does every villain like to have 'immer' at the end of their name?!
Ya know with all of the bewareing going on I was half expecting the box ghost to make an appearance... BEWARE!!!!!
7828350
I can't help think that Discord would approve of Rimmer in some strange way, in the same manner that he might approve of the non predictable nature of meteorite strikes...
7828809
We could already have had Brian Blessed. But sadly the voice actor for Dragon Lord Torch was miscast.
3.bp.blogspot.com/_lpL870wV2A4/S6EHFXYuZfI/AAAAAAAAEnk/kvWg1ftTeoM/s320/blessed3.jpg
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/0/01/Torch_holds_the_bloodstone_scepter_S6E5.png/revision/latest?cb=20160417191836
Wow, never seen a fic written purely in dialogue. Also is it me or is twilight a bit dark here?
I mean she practically killed all of them! Besides the last one I think, I hope so...
This is actually done surprisingly well for a dialogue only fic! I'm impressed!
7830287
7830309
If you like dialogue-only stories, I have another one.
7830287 It's the work of Progressively Grimmer.
7830241
Rimmer might be unpredictable to watch, but he’s quite predictable to interact with Discord in particular… :)
As to Twilight killing them all, I point to Too Many Pinkies. There is also a fic (ICR the title) that says Alicorns come in pairs, 1 good, 1 evil. So, Luna & Celestia. Cadance & Chrysalis. Now, Twilight & Flurry Heart. Which one is evil: The one that mind controlled a whole town because she was late with a report, or the one that broke the Crystal Heart & blew holes in the palace just because?
You forgot one, Nose Hair Trimmer!
I think you can guess what he does...
7831584 he bakes really good Quiche
7831177 so instead of Demon King Piccolo & Kami, we have Super Kami Guru and Slug
I'm surprised Seafood Dinner didn't show up
Dude, I thought it was just me
Interestingly enough, their (as in those in the show) reflect a somewhat similar meaning to Twilight Sparkle as well.
Sunset Shimmer and Starlight Glimmer are both related to the sky, specifically during the transition to night.
Those were just getting steadily dimmer.
7829737 so you were a news source during the 2016 presidential election?
I AM *insert celestial body orientation here* *insert light-related synonym here*!
7832474 you must be thinking of my brother, IQ Dimmer.
You forgot Pinkie Pie's half-cousin twice removed Maniacal Grinner
WHERE
THE OAKING SAP
WAS SEAFOOD DINNER
"Tremble in fear before me, for I am... Dunh-dun-DUHHNN ... the nefarious Weed Wacker!
*!SUPER-MEGA-KICK!*
"Applejack! Athe only thing this poor sod could hurt is grass!"
AJ bats an ear. " Ah know, sugarcube. But he verbalized his own sound effects. Y'all know Ah cain't stand that!"
Twilight nods.
"Yeah. I know just how you feel. For me it's the type of pony who is a–"
"–Sentence Finisher!"
*!KABOOM-SPLATTER!*
"Haaaaaiii."
"Well, you see, um, I, ahem, totally am going to, you know, defeat you."
[youtube=vjdpLEtvmRA]
I was a fan of Red Dwarf growing up so I liked Glass Rimmer.
I kind of miss him (Sees Rimmer Experience Video)
7830241
I NEVER WANT TO SEE OF HEAR FROM THAT SCUM SUCKING LYING WEASEL MINDED SMEG HEAD!!!IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Only true fans can laugh as hard as I do every time I see it.
7830241
7833466
Did somebody say Red Dwarf?
[youtube=WiBYFkABr7Y]
"BEHOLD! For I am THE DOWNVOTER! That's right I'm the one that goes and downvotes stories simply because I can! Fear me!"
"Twilight" Ain't ya gonna do something?"
"Ah, you know you can't feed the trolls."