I would like to credit Antsan, Lightning Ferron, and two anonymous users (who stumbled across this and decided to make some edits of their own) for helping me edit this story.
A police officer shows up at the front doorstep of the Carousel Boutique, telling Rarity that Sweetie Belle is now in police custody. Rarity is confused as to why until her dear sister tells her. What she learns shocks her.
Rated Teen for certain topics discussed in the story.
WARNING:
Controversial topic
(The CMC are now teen aged)
Chapters (2)
Considering how many horror stories I have heard of Conversion Therapy, many of which were usually part of suicide letters found online, this story is mostly disturbing for possibly how REAL that basement could possibly be if the family decided to take such things into their own hands instead of letting others do it to keep their hands clean.
"Heart Strings"
oh poor Lyra.....
I was seriously playing Justice for All earlier today!
This story pleases me.
As one who hates religious types like Silver's father, the fact that Sweetie might well have the damned PRINCESS OF THE SUN on her side?
Priceless.
Not bad, but it sounds like if you cut half of the story.
*looks at your username* did Sweetie Belle steal your memes?
This story has potential. Wait... What's this? A follow?!
I can't...
The dialogue is just... not good.
It's as if someone who did not believe in same-sex relations, who would go as far as false rape accusations, was not evil enough, so you had to turn them into a evil caricature, that rapes/tortures their own offspring, because you HAD to.
Jesus Christ, this was in the featured box
It still needs alot of editing I would say and I would be more than happy to help if you want.
I nearly stopped and down voted for that Phoenix Wright reference.
God is this written....simplistically.
While 7810010 is right in that this story feels stilted, the premise for it has a lot of potential, and it really isn't all that bad. It reminds me a lot of a story I wrote, both in its successes and failures.
If I were you, I'd rewrite this to be around 10-20 chapters, giving the characters more depth, and rather than summing up large stretches of story in a paragraph, use the events that would have transpired in that time that were the most significant to tell the story over a longer period of time. I'd also suggest getting an editor. I hope you found my feedback helpful.
This kinda sucks. Seriously, you skip all the fun dramatic bits. The trial could have been entertaining, but you just say what happened.
Oh, so THAT's the tone this thing is taking...
...
Really?
Sigh.
Nope, not having it. Sorry if I upset you, but I can't support this. I'm out.
I had an okay time.
7810397
Why not? Are you against homosexuals too?
7810418 Partly, but mostly the attack on religion.
>controversial topic
>using pones as mouthpieces
>religion
>shock value
>half baked
wow
nice b8 m8
7810430
I don't think it was an attack on religion. It's saying that homophobic or intolerant people may tend to be religious, but not necessarily vice-versa. Being Christian doesn't mean you're like that
Holy shit two things first that story was actually pretty heart warming especially the end and also second PHOENIX LAWYER GUY FROM VIDEO GAMES
This is like a very special episode gone wrong.
Oops
I'm very sorry if I have offended anyone who is religious, judging by the downvotes. That was not my intention
7810760
I think it is less people being offended and more of not wanting to accept that stuff like this can and DOES happen and wanting to deny it as much and possible and the only way to do that on here is to downvote.
Now, I'm not usually one to dislike a story. I normally just stop reading and leave, but this one I felt needed the criticism. Overall I enjoyed this story as it takes a rather taboo topic and tries to show that stereotyping is a really bad thing to do. However there are quite a few issues which I feel you as an author need to be made aware of so you can develop and become better because I can feel a lot of potential in your writing.
First issue is the stereotyping. This story is simultaneiously showing that homophobia is bad while making the main villains in the story be huge stereotypes themselves. While it may be true that homophobia and religion are usually seen together it doesn't mean you have to use both at the same time while also having a torture basement. You could have just removed one of those aspects entirely. If you had avoided the line about religion this story would have just been about parents bitter about their own failures trying to project their view of perfect on their children, albeit in a twisted, horrid way.
The second issue is the pacing. As a lot of other comments have stated you only wrote very little in a story which could potentially have been a ten-twenty chapter hit. I understand that it is hard to write stories so I'm not too worried about you missing out the parts which would require most thought and planning as I myself have been struck with writers block on every story I have attempted to start so far. The problem I dislike was the overall pacing of the story. The introduction and build up were short, but that's acceptable for a story this length, but from there the it just stays at the same tempo with Rarity talking to Sweetie and then suddenly being at Twilight's castle and ranting away at her for no reason and also with pretty much all the answers after just speaking to her sister. Your story had a wonderful introduction and the ending was also good, but the middle was just a forced lump of information. Another idea on what it could have been was just just having Rarity talk with Sweetie then going off to investigate what had happened. As we know Rarity doesn't mind doing some investigating and that would have allowed the readers to try and make their own decisions to what happened rather than just being given all the information at once.
On grammar, spelling and punctuation; there were a few issues spread throughout and you would benefit from having someone else proofread your work. Doesn't have to be a perfect editor, but a second pair of eyes to spot the obvious things which an author's eyes cannot see. It's something all authors need so not just you. I didn't find the errors made the story harder to read unlike a lot of others I have seen so that's all I have on that matter.
Overall your story started good, went downhill in the middle and then resurrected at the end. I hope you take on some of the tips I have put down and that this hasn't seemed like a hate speech. I just want to help you improve so in the future your stories are even better to read. Thanks for reading my text wall, and good luck in your next endeavours.
7809953
(Probably going to say this more than once) Writer's block, finals, and me wanting to get this out by Christmas.
7810003
Not my strong suit.
7810010
Wait- FEATURED BOX!?! WHAT!?!
7810081
I had writers block with just two chapters. I couldn't imagine what ten (not to mention twenty) would be like. I'd fucking HATE this story if it were that long. Besides, I already have some lengthier stories planned for future dates.
7810090
Once again, writer's block, finals, and me wanting to get this out by Christmas.
7810397
If there's one thing I will change about this, it's the religion part. I never did and never will intend to hate on religion, I respect all religions (unless they tell you to hurt and/or discriminate), and I'm sorry if you were offended by this. It was never my intention to bash religion in this story. I tried to make the religion part seem small compared to everything else he did. Once again, I apologize for the unintentional harm of this story.
7810821
You get your own reply since your comment was long.
7811197 Thank you
, and for my part I apologize for any disturbance I may have caused
7810821
Thank you
Yeah, like I said earlier, this was never intended to be about religion, it was intended to be about Rarity dealing with the unfairness of Sweetie Belle's situation. But I guess I failed at that. Good ideas though, wish I would've thought of them before hand.
The Rarity exploding part was suppose to be the climax of the story. I was told once after posting a story with Rarity cussing in it that she would touch a swear word with a ten foot pole. Hence the reason I thought that scene would bring drama into it due to not only the big reveal, but Rarity going to such a level of vulgarity, showing her true anger at the unfair situation her little sister is in because she loves her sister so much that she flips out. As for the pacing, I guess it wast very good and could've been better.
I actually had four editors (as pointed out in the description), Antsan, Lightning Ferron , and two anonymous users.
Thanks for the constructive critcism. Glad you somewhat liked this story. I sure as hell don't plan for this story to necessarily be my "claim to fame/story I'm proudest of", that one is coming later on down the line.
7811215
It's no problem, all constructive criticism is welcome. You were just pointing out a big issue you had and it's my duty as the author to respond.
Happy Holidays!
7811247 Thanks, and Merry Christmas!
7811197 Yeah, I feel you. The fic I mentioned was half as long as this one, barely deserving the title, so I know how the sheer amount is intimidating. I was wrong, though, you probably wouldn't need that many, you could probably write most of the plot out in around or under ten chapters of the same or lesser length of the first one. I was brainstorming for a short bit though, and still think there's a lot of potential. "Detective Rarity" could return, she'd attempt to find out the what really happened, maybe a concurrent plot line with Sweetie and Strings discussing their feelings, other things, and revealing things to the reader on opposite sides of sweetie's containment. There could be a lot of great moments in both of them.
Those being the main plot lines, and then maybe one or two of them on the side, one that's purposely vague but foreshadowing with the parents, maybe a reoccurring one about what everyone else in town thinks of the situation, Sweetie's friends, the mane 6, stuff like that. Then after a bit of building, you converge all the plot scenes in sweetie's trial, with Silver Strings testifying and a bunch of other good but emotional moments. I just love this premise, so much potential for good scenes. Whether you choose to leave it as is is up to you, but I think it could be good.
I really, really don't want to believe that this actually had four editors.
Not a bad story but I feel it needs more detail like scenes of the kisses them getting caught, the stallion coming in, them being taken to the police talking about what is happening behind closed doors that type of thing good idea for a story though
7811197 Then, and sorry if I offend you, you could try to redo it in a future.
7811488 There's at least 20 mistakes with most of those in the first chapter so I'm gonna post the second here.
Word missing.
Commas missing.
Word missing in both cases.
(If the author can give me permission I would be more than happy to go through the first chapter.)
7811238
Ah, I obviously didn't read the description well enough to see the editors. My bad. Thanks for taking the time to answer and I hope I didn't come off as too rude. It's not often I comment on things.
7811315
I may rewrite this in the future, but not now, I have other ideas I wanna get out.
7811865
You didn't offend me, all critcism is welcome in my comment sections.
I might rewrite this some day.
7812210
It's no biggie, all critcism is welcomed in my comment sections. You never came off as rude if that's what you are worried about.
I see that some other reviewers have commented on different problems with this story, like the pacing and the subject matter. I'll add my two cents with particular focus on structure and perspective.
Structurally, this story's a mess. I get that you were going for a mystery that gradually develops over the course of the narrative, but your execution doesn't work because the mystery doesn't actually develop. Nothing is uncovered or revealed over the course of Rarity's experience at the police station. There are a few scattered hints here and there, like Silver Spoon's fear and the cop who insults Sweetie Belle, but any time any tangible progress can be made on developing the mystery, the story cuts it off abruptly. I lost count of how many times characters were interrupted before they could explain what was going on. In another story, that'd be a running gag, but here, it's impeding the story's momentum.
You've described the scene where Rarity explodes as the story's climax, and while I can certainly see that being the intended climax, the fact is that it doesn't actually work as a climax. There's no gradual reveal, no piecing the mystery together. Rarity's outburst, besides just being ridiculous to imagine Rarity saying, feels entirely unearned because it wasn't something that the story built up to. The story is a series of beats where Rarity's about to learn some major plot information, only to be interrupted by the next story beat coming in. She learns nothing, and the story doesn't progress naturally, until she abruptly does know what's going on and goes to Twilight to infodump in the middle of the night.
The whole Twilight sequence in itself is just bizarre. Think about the perspective: We've been following Rarity for the entire story, only to abruptly cut to Twilight's perspective. That's a no-no for a few reasons. Let's get the easy ones out of the way. First, it's generally not a good idea to switch up the perspective like that. Second, Twilight has nothing to do with this story. She is an outsider. Her actions don't do anything to drive the plot along (you could argue that she got the lawyer for Rarity, but Rarity suggests that she could have done that herself anyway because of her status as a superhero dressmaker), and Rarity learns or gains nothing from talking to her. She yells and then goes home. That's it. Third, there's no justifiable reason for Rarity to go talk to her in the middle of the night; she's just looking for someone to vent at. It could just as easily have taken place in her boutique with her talking to, like, Opal. Or even just as an inner monologue. It probably would have been better as an inner monologue, come to think of it.
Fourth, and most importantly, it's a mistake because it contributes to the structural problems running throughout the story. Up until that point, both Rarity and the reader have been on the same page regarding the mystery; neither knows what the fuck is going on with Sweetie. As soon as Rarity does know what's going on, though, you cut to the perspective of another character who is completely in the dark, which, as a reader, I found incredibly frustrating. You characterized Twilight as confused and irritated with Rarity, which ironically made her the easiest character to identify with, because I was also confused and irritated with Rarity (and the story itself!) by that point.
It's a story about Sweetie Belle, Rarity, and Sweetie Belle's girlfriend, Silver Surfer. Twilight and Spike are only relevant to that story if you make them relevant to it. If you have Twilight yawn a lot and talk about how sleepy and annoyed she is, without having her make any valuable contributions to resolving the problem (that Rarity couldn't have done by herself), then they're not contributing anything. They're just there. Like a fern.
Going off the previous point, for someone who the story is allegedly about, Sweetie Belle has almost no presence in, or impact upon, the plot. She's also just there. I think your cop OC who Rarity is inexplicably attracted to has more importance to the story than the character from whom the story derives its title. Hell, her girlfriend, Silver the Hedgehog, has more presence and dialogue than she does. You see the problem there?
So let's look at the different elements you have here and think about how you could have assembled them into a cohesive story. First, the mystery element. Introduce that more strongly. Starting with the cop at the beginning. There's no reason SteelHooves shouldn't have known what Rarity was in jail for, and it actually makes the PPD look really, really bad that they sent an officer who was completely in the dark about the situation to inform Sweetie Belle's guardian that she was in jail (also, what happened to Sweetie's parents? Where are Mommity and Daddity when all of this is happening?).
Imagine this: The cop shows up to Rarity's house and says "your sister is under arrest; she's been accused of sexual assault." That would floor the reader, and set up a stronger mystery element. You show them walking to the police department (you have a recurring problem of describing, rather than showing, things and situations, by the by), during which time the cop explains to Rarity the situation as the cops understand it. Ie., as it's been explained to them by Silver Rush's father, Homophobe McKlanspony. Rarity's mind struggles to make sense of the situation, because Sweetie Belle would never do any of the things that she's been accused of. You put just enough truth into the story to make it sound plausible, while at the same time keeping room for Rarity to stay in denial.
They get to the police station and maybe we see Silver Medal and Biblethumper Electrode arguing. Maybe Father Vaginawhip goes to yell at Rarity for raising a degenerate and they argue a lot. Maybe that's how Rarity finds out that Sweetie's gay. This also develops the mystery and gives Daddy Bad Guy some much-needed characterization besides "whips his daughter's vagina in his creepy basement according to the newspaper."
Rarity gets to talk to Sweetie Belle, who explains what really happened. Personally, I see no reason why being gay would even be a problem in Ponyland, since Lyra and Bon-Bon make goo-goo eyes at each other and Big Mac cross-dresses and nobody seemed to care, but whatever; you want to make a big deal about it in the story, so maybe here's where Sweetie Belle officially comes out to Rarity. Then she explains what really happened. Maybe Sweetie Belle feels guilty that she got Silverette in trouble and Rarity has to comfort and reassure her.
From there, you start thinking of how you can resolve the story's primary conflict. Keep the focus on Rarity and Sweetie Belle, rather than including characters who have zero relevance to the situation. If you really want Twilight in the story, then think of a way to incorporate her where her presence actually makes a valuable contribution.
Final stuff that I didn't feel like writing about at length: The whole second chapter is a weird mish-mash that comes out of left field, from the Phoenix Wright reference (tonally out of place, given the subject matter, and feels like cutesy lolrandom nonsense), to the fact that the story's conflict is resolved during a timeskip, to the bizarre, comically evil antics that Mike Pence Pony and his wife, Mrs. Not-Appearing-In-This-Story, get up to in their basement, to the newspaper report reading like nothing that would ever be in a reputable newspaper, to the fact that the arrest of these two people is a town holiday (?!), to the fact that the cops are throwing a carnival (?!?!?!?!?!), to the fact that Officer SteelStammer waited more than a year to ask out Rarity, to the fact that Rarity apparently sees something in him which... frankly, I don't get, since he doesn't look or sound like much of a catch...
Also, why is there a Red Dawn reference in the middle of the story, and why did Rarity recognize the cop from that movie, and just... just don't do that, okay? Please don't do that. I'll give you money not to do that.
Porcupines
EDIT: Why did they need a warrant specifically to search the basement when they didn't need one to search the house...?
7812248
Oh boy do we have a big one here... Alright let's get the over with.
Not gonna lie, I found it hilarious how you nonstop make joke out of the characters' names, props to you for making me laugh while tearing apart about 3 months of my hard work.
I think you meant to say Sweetie Belle here, not Rarity.
Rarity is more of a parent to Sweetie Belle in the show than her actual parents are because it seems as if they aren't ever around. They're probably on a trip or something.
I don't believe the story states that being gay is a big deal, there are plenty if homophobes in very liberal areas, and there are liberals in very conservative areas. Austin, TX is a PERFECT example of that. This story wasn't about gay rights or anti religion, this was about family and loved ones (hence why I wants to get this out by Christmas), but I guess nobody got that.
I couldn't think of a lawyer name.
This story was supposed to be 3rd person omniscient, but my editor told me not to do it, in the omniscient edit Steel Cuffs was more like able and had a bit more of a personality. Plus this story takes place in the same universe as a few of my future stories, which he might make an appearance.
First off... I don't think I was talking about a cop from Red Dawn, I was talking about the older brother. At the end of the original movie, the two brothers fight off a ton of enemy soldiers, in which they win, but the younger brother is fatally wounded. As the older picks him up and starts carrying him off, an officer who had just got off the phone with a family member pulls out a gun and aims it at them. The older brother then turns around to give him this look that to this day I can't decipher whether it meant "go on, shoot us, get it over with" or "please don't, I just wanna hold my dying brother in this cold ass weather".
Well that was one long ass comment. I'm gonna go watch some Netflix and be festive as hell.
7812214 Fair enough. Either way, have a follow.
wow I am amazed and not for the story (even though is a preety good story so far) but for the amount of dislikes. Is a ratio of almost 50/50. I guess that I need to read the rest to find out why.
I struggle to see why people down-vote a story based on the topics and opinions expressed in it. It's like they live in a warm bubble from which the outside looks all fuzzy and soft, and just mentioning that bad things hapen sometimes triggers them into this state of anger.
Some people are homophobic, and a large part of the homophobic society is religious based upon the fundamental teachings in many holy texts, that love is meant to be shared between a man and a woman, and ONLY in that way. It's not surprising really. However religions do not always restrict freedom of thought, and so many variations of religious worship appear within the same religion. Thus some religious followers tend to lean toward more liberal attitudes when choosing how they act in society.
The story does not suggest all religious people are homophobic, or that the author believs this in any way. Should the story have suggested these things then I would understand why it recieved so many dislikes. However I get the feeling some have disliked the story based soley upon the fact that they it showed characters with views that they don't like. Which is NOT a good way to rate a story. A story should be rated and judged on it's merits and the things it does right and wrong, not the views of the characters within it. (Unless they are clearly out of character)
However I have noticed several commentors saying the story has structural weaknesses. I'm not too great a critic so I won't make any judgements myself, but it's certain that maybe half of the current dislikes are due to readers recognising the weaknesses in the story. So theres that at least.
Also, Happy New Year everybody! (GMT)
A few tiny errors but overall, brilliant.
7833390
Thank you for giving a positive argument for my story, through all the negativity it's nice to see comments like these one something I worked hard on.
7856499
You're welcome.
Religiously, I don't believe in homosexuality either but I only apply that belief to my own life. Otherwise, I have plenty of friends who are gay themselves and I'm okay with them. We all understand each other's boundaries just fine.
I just wish certain others could remember a little something called tolerance and coexistence...
using various torture methods such as whipping of the privates to punish them or to teach them of their strict beliefs.
That is NOT okay. Religious or not, you do NOT do that to your own family...or anyone really! What kind of religion are they even supposed to be in!?