- Member Since 2nd Mar, 2014
- offline last seen Jun 11th, 2018
pertelote345
A somewhat deranged author who likes science and writing stories with way too much dialogue. Recently got it through her thick skull that she was a girl.
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I like where this story could go. I'll admit, the constant POV changes threw me off a time or two, but it didn't detract too much.
A nice start.
the POV is really messing with me here
it's a bit clearer after I read it a 2nd time, but I was confused the whole time on the first go
I do like it though, hope to see more soon
7010971
7010899
Glad you like it! I should note I was going for a bit of a stylized approach for the first chapter, I think you'll find the rest of the story easier to get into. :)
I advise adding the name of which character is telling the story for each scene. It'll just make it easier to keep track of things in the future.
7011211
See, I used to do that for all of my stories, but there was a full rage review argument about how it was hard to keep track of so I ended up omitting them. They seem to really annoy people for some reason.
7011268 I think its because alternating between who is speaking throws people off at times
7011808
I understand. This story was intended to have a somewhat experimental opening. I was trying to make it almost a montage of different perspectives.
7011268 If I had to guess, they were probably complaining about the POV shifting itself rather than identifying who is speaking during the shift.
It is MUCH easier to read this type of story from the third person rather than bouncing between different first person perspectives.
Just as an example with some limited 'artistic license' editing.
extremely quick demonstration of scene 1 behind the cut.
Peppermint smiled as she tossed a few coins into the instrument case of the gryphon on the corner. She was happy to pay a little something for decent music, and it really seemed like she could use the money.
As she went to continue on her way she was stopped by a talon and turned to see the performer handing her back her coins.
"Thanks,” Gretchen said as she held out the bits. “but you need these more than I do."
The earth pony stared down at her, narrowing her eyes and noting where the gryphon was sitting on a street corner the industrial district, holding her guitar with her feathers ruffled and butt planted unprotected on the pavement.
"Seriously?” Peppermint said in what the gryphon would say was an obviously male voice “You're homeless!"
Gretchen rolled her eyes. "And you're probably living in whatever passes for a brothel in this dump. Take the money sister, you're going to need it."
Peppermints eyes went wide as the implication set in.
Gretchen thought she almost looked indignant, but it was undercut by her ridiculously fluffy dress and garish makeup.
"I'm not a prostitute!" Peppermint declared.
Gretchen just snorted, leaning back against the wall. "Hey lady, I'm a busker, I don't judge. You do prefer lady right? You're not a drag queen?"
Peppermint could feel her eye twitching. "I'm a chef!"
The gryphon raised an eyebrow. "A chef that dresses like that?" She shrugged and attempted to tune the guitar in her talons. It was a losing battle, but she couldn't help but keep fighting. "Whatever you say."
The earth pony glared at her, then let out a breath, turned up her nose and walked away.
Gretchen stared at her as the earth pony made her way down the street. ‘Holy shit,’ she thought ‘she was telling the truth, wasn't she?’
7013064
Fair enough, think that's what's causing the sudden surge of downvotes?
7013099 Could be. It could also just have to do with the influx of readers.
I can't say what motivates people to vote one way or another, I just point out where people can improve their writing.
I can say that the story idea is good, otherwise I wouldn’t have taken the time to read it and definitely wouldn’t have taken the time to critique any of it.
In my opinion, it just needs a bit of work in the presentation.
7013186
Dude, you have this mysterious data sprite vibe that I quite like
7011268
Do it, if you're going to use first-person. Published authors tag chapters, ASoIaF comes to mind, though I don't recall it being first-person.
Bit of slice, bit of life. Watching.
Very little description of Whose Line comparatively to the others. I don't even know the gender or species.
7016958
He's an earth pony stallion. I have added description.
7013064
I remember that rewiev, and I've also read Some other threads on the matter and it is apparantly adviced not to write "This pony's POV" when you change perspective.
7017241
However, whatever way you choose to write, I don't think that attracts downvotes. Now, I haven't read the story, but I will do it tomorrow, and give you my five cents, if you like.
7017842
That would be wonderful
parents
That is a benefit, though still not as much as when not having a roommate.
So far so good!
i.ytimg.com/vi/Qy5Bipc3Yk4/hqdefault.jpg
The moment a conflict arises in the story, the chapter abruptly ends.
I am enjoying this.
7049155
I am slowly learning the art of the cliffhanger. I shall endeavor to make better ones in the future.
7048162
Legal concerns mostly, also the risk of accidentally flashing some random foal looking for the bathroom. XD
So far this story deserves a much better rating then it has.
Let me see if I understood what Peppermint just did there....
Peppermint and Gretchen:
have done nothing nice or helpful for these fellows,
have caused Troy some trouble and probably made him worry needlessly,
have put a damper on any romantic mood Canvas may have been trying to create with this night out,
and other than those interactions, are complete strangers to them.
Knowing this, after the mood has shifted from tense to apologetic, Peppermint brazenly tries to get them to pull some strings with the princess (who they may or may not even have met) to do a favor for Gretchen. And when Canvas says that would be difficult, she mentions the rape, manipulating Troy's conscience by making Gretchen look like a selfless hero.
After the guys show some sympathy, Gretchen seems to catch the hint and follows up by acting as if they've already agreed to help her, then ending the conversation before they have a chance to reconsider. Peppermint backs her up on both of these.
7061843
The situation is... Complicated. Again, I only wrote half this chapter so you may want to ask TheVClaw for his two cents, but while there is some truth in what you're saying there is more nuance to it than that.
First of all, you are correct that Peppermint hoped to use the couple's connections to help her friend. However, mentioning the rape was more of a potential tactic she hoped to use to get paperwork out of the authorities, a tactic which is honestly just an accurate description and providing a character witness. You might also note that she stops and tries to offer the couple some kind of recompense, but can't really think of anything. That part I can say for sure isn't intended as any kind of manipulation. She really does feel indebted to them, she just can't think of anything anyone would want her for.
As for Gretchen, she's just hurt, scared and exhausted. She didn't plan on leaving because they offered to help, she planned on leaving because she felt drained (well, not drained enough to stop hitting on them, but she'd have to be dead for that
).
In short, is Pepper making a play here? Oh yeah, big time. Did she just want to extract from the couple without offering anything in return? Not in the slightest.
Well... THAT'S certainly a cliffhanger! Loving the story so far!
That just happened
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/2/26/562321__safe_twilight+sparkle_rarity_applejack_screencap_book_tree_faic_out+of+context_golden+oaks+library.jpg
Oh my, that wood be quite startling.
What was the straw for?
7097061
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pneumothorax
She's seen it a lot and was mostly guessing the location base on the injury.
Odd, but I guess messing up your phrasing might help prevent someone going into shock as they'll think about what you said.
That or you just typed a smidge too fast there.
retract
fiancé [multiple times]
pizzas, Pepper."
I dunno, whose line did sidle up beside you? Do they play first base? ;)
thing
Prench toast
7080226 Spoilers?
each other's
Update when?
7134825
Soonish, I admit I have been slightly all over the place this week. I didn't have a single full day off from work and that seems likely to continue for a bit.
Did Rainbow Dash blow up the weather factory again?
Algiraffa for Al Jazeera! That is the most brilliant Equus pun name I have ever seen! Good on you.
Can I have that dream?
Wait, she ate your editor?? Strange, I don't see any typos…
So... She's a journalist.
She works at a pizza parlor.
She has no marketable skills and no connections.
She doesn't subscribe to a newspaper or even buy them regularly. She doesn't have a TV or computer. She's basically isolated from any news (dangerously so, considering she almost didn't hear the storm was coming), and seems to have been this way for some time.
She has alluded to failing as a writer, and has never mentioned any professional experience before.
But now she's a hard-hitting journalist who's going to blow this coverup wide open.
7245167
I'm a biologist.
I'm working at a pizza parlor after getting kicked out of my genetic modification job due to complications with my gender transition.
I don't read journal articles much anymore. They're too painful.
Honestly I'm just writing from life.
This story is amazing and needs to be recognized far more than it is. And that was the best "Princess Luna walks in on a dream" sequence I've ever read, and that includes the one with Sexy Celestia in Pinkie Pie's chicken costume.
Wow. You actually made a good sit com in this one story so far.
Dead?
Is this gonna be updated soon or should we consider it dead ??
This is a good story. I just wish it had continued.