- Member Since 10th Jan, 2016
- offline last seen Nov 1st, 2023
Lyruil
I might be done here. But writing will always continue
Lyruil
Joined 10th Jan, 2016 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- darkoutlaw007 · 11k words · 21 14 · 340 views
- CasperSantiq · 5.8k words · 35 7 · 1.3k views
- Autumn Lightsky · 8.7k words · 26 9 · 1.5k views
- Azelze The Mephistocorn · 6k words · 86 9 · 1.9k views
- YinYangDragonTamer · 53k words · 56 17 · 3.2k views
- Narukami · 157k words · 18 15 · 676 views
- PheonixLyrics101 · 34k words · 104 17 · 3.8k views
- Lethally Insane · 4.5k words · 37 7 · 1.4k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.194 seconds
Total duration
950 users online
1,433,728 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I like it.
When you tagged this as "anthro", do you mean just the wolf transforming from wolf to human, or are the ponies anthropomorphized too?
(I ask because I find anthro ponies in any story to be a deal-breaker. I only enjoy Equestrians as they are in the show, with four-hoofed quadrupedal ponies. No judgement to those who don't feel the same, I just don't get the enjoyment out of that particular aspect of the fandom.)
6911615 The anthro tag is referring to the ponies, the human tag is for Von turning into a human. I'm sorry if this is a deal breaker, I personally am partial to the anthro portrayal of mlp and will most likely use that portrayal in any story I write.
6912540
Okay, thanks for clarifying this!
Not bad. Looking forward to more soon.
more?
I hope this isn't going to end up as a dead story. After the first chapter I'd really love to see more.
7215444 Have no fear, the update should come by the end of next week.
7216289
So far I like it. It's an HiE without actually being an HiE. However, there are a few issues I must mention. Of course, this is meant as constructive critisism.
How? Did he just happen to have flint and steel? Did he have matches? Did he use magic? This is one of those times it pays to add a little more detail.
Lady who was just trying to kill me a moment ago... Yeah, a little unbelievable. Not even a 'Why did you attack me' or anything?
I've known a couple blind people, and I can guarantee you, this is not a normal practice.
That doesn't excuse his sudden, complete trust in her right after she attacked him.
This is never a good way to do this. Having anything bold and/or oversized is distracting. It also makes the attack obvious because it can't not be seen as soon as you scroll down enough to see it.
Why? What did it benefit the monster to attack a random tree? By the way it seems, his twister would have done that on its own. Did it do that just so Von would see it? It would have made more sense if it through the tree at them.
Very, very cliche. While cliches are not always bad, I have never seen this one used well.
Dialogue between two characters need to be in separate paragraphs.
Like I said, it's good, so far, and these issues are all quite minor. I look forward to more.
I need an adult!
I NEED AN ADULT!!!
Seriously, I really need an adult, right now!
7218699 Thank you for the criticism, I'm still new to creative writing this being my third fanfic ever. I'll go back and correct the places I can. To explain a couple of things, Von is still new dealing with others so to me he wouldn't see a point in distrusting Snowdrop's request to touch him. He is naive and doesn't really know the concepts of lying or distrust. She attacked him, stopped, gave a reason, and appeared friendly, to him that's perfectly acceptable. As for Snowdrop's lewd comment three things: one, this mare has been frozen and closed off from the world for *undisclosed time amount*; two, she has never been in contact with a human so she can only compare to her knowledge of other ponies; and three, I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE. Sorry, again thank you for the criticism every bit helps improve my writing. Hope you enjoy more as the story continues.
7218851 That makes sense, I suppose. It would be nice if that could be communicated in the story, but to be honest I can't think of a single way to do it that doesn't feel shoehorned in.
Anyway, most people start off far worse, including me. This is my first fic ever posted on this site; The Broken Soldier.
And this is the remake; Dawn Shield.
The first chapters alone should show how much I've improved, and you're already better than I was with the first one. Just keep at it and take criticism to heart. Even when the critic is a dick about it you can pick out something helpful, but never let them get to you. Even if you can get something from it, they still aren't worth your time. Remember, writing is an art and takes time to improve.
I do like this story, though, and look forward to more.
Finally another chapter
finaly an update bah
Noice
And then the guy with the torch eats them.
That's what you get for tempting Murphy
Anyway, still some walls of text, especially in the beginning. You need to separate it better, with a new paragraph for each new subject. Take this one for example;
It could look more like this;
You see how each paragraph is a single moment or subject? It makes it much easier to follow like this.
7229637 Hey thanks again for the criticism. I did feel like it was running on but didn't really see where to break it up. Just takes practice I guess. Looking forward to hearing more tips as I continue. Stay awesome
7229693 Glad to help.
It can be hard to know exactly where to break up a run-on paragraph (I don't think that's an actual term, butt fuck it) especially when the entire thing does seem to fall under a single subject. That's why I put the notes in red.
The entire thing is about there escape, but as you see, you can further break it down to the stages of their escape. That's how you have to think when dealing with that.
I sense they're not out of danger yet...what's next? Bandits? Barbarians? A barbershop quartet?
I was thinking/hoping you also drew inspiration from the thralls from Destiny
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/destinypedia/images/b/b4/Thrall_desktop.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130927232030
destinygamewiki.com/mediawiki/images/d/dd/Thrall_grimoire_card1.jpg
7325103 great game, absolutely love it. But oh buck no! Those things scare the hell out of me.
7325831 then you probably hate Crota's End Raid
P.s. tell me you play on 360, I need moar guardians to kick flank with
i.ytimg.com/vi/mf8D_a2-dps/maxresdefault.jpg
img.ifcdn.com/images/04c2807b409e78f3a0a85c134af81b4ef58291514af5d0e9e146bfaeb205f570_3.jpg
img.ifcdn.com/images/dd750248ece34868b91d5a3b0c9d928f80c614b479e3e1464b3ea610d7240abe_3.jpg
7326185 Sorry mate, ps4. It's the better system.
And yes, I hate Crota. And all of that raid
7326387 hehe, first time me n five others tried, we failed... our second try was 34 minutes of kicking thrall ass in a little valley with ten weights of darkness..... I kept getting my super seconds after my super ran out... I was a sunbreaker and it WAS AWESOME!!!
P.s. Y no one play 360 (._.)
P.p.s. I want a new chapter
7327563 1. Better system bro. Got to admit, of the current console generation Sony and ps4 is the best.
2. Patients man, if you want to read more of what I've done go read my other story. If you've done that then wait. This story probably won't be updated until I get another two or three chapters of my other one done. If you don't want to wait, find another author. This is Fimfiction, there are tons of great writers(some who are defiantly better than me) if you are having a hard time finding something look through my user page and look at my inspirations, or my favorites bookshelf.
7329602 fine, I go cry in corner of shame and loneliness
And I'll wait.... I still can complain, right?
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/f1/f2/aa/f1f2aafa2a315c3eafd535f70c516e9f.jpg
7329986 Why so much complaining in the first place? I said I'll be working on my other story, you do remember it's in the same universe right. I'd suggest reading it as well, it will help later on to clear up certain things that happen later in this one.
7330133
maybe I shou-
Nah
Shush other us, he's talking
Don't do it, man...
Why?
Cuz I said so... now keep complaining
DON'T DO IT, BRO!!!
I want moar story!
Damn it all... stupid, stupid, stupid me
IN YOUR FACE, NICE ME!!!
This is good story can't wait for next chapter
Dude just a few mistakes has a bit of spacing between the mistakes but you can still read them if you try.
IT LIVVVVVVEEEEESSSSSS!
Ug I hate cliffhangers! Drives me nuts!
7858957 I'm not fond of them either, but I felt it was the best place to stop. The next chapter will have some more action, it shouldn't be too long until I manage to get it out.
good job
Will this story be as long as A Wolf Among Ponies?
8055182 Hahaha, it's not likely. While I do plan to continue writing this for a while, I don't foresee it continuing for that long.
i keep forgetting this story's here till it pops up
It's a great story. All I ask is do your best, don't push it and it will come. Your good at this. Happy Hunting.
Liking it so far
Is this story dead?
8673166
No not dead, on hiatus. I'm finishing my other story before resuming this one. Probably around march is when it will resume, but don't hold me to that.
Why is this on hiatus?
*<>* It Lives !!! Was worth the wait . plz dont hold out on updates again plz
The hiatus is over. Let the chapters continue!
Well, Luna's reunion with Snowdrop went mostly as I expected. Which means it was emotional and full of tears.
*<>* this is getting good .. Frostwolf nice touch
https://youtu.be/WC4n-RQE3vA made me think of this
Cancelled? NOOOO!!! And I was enjoying it so far!