In the far northern reaches of Equis lies an area simply known as, The Tundra. A place of eternal winter, ruled by feral creatures, and feared for magical beings made from ice and snow. However this place is my home. My name is Von and I’m…a wolf
Anyway, still some walls of text, especially in the beginning. You need to separate it better, with a new paragraph for each new subject. Take this one for example;
Mother barked at Willow and I, passing a message that needed no interpretation, “Run.” We ran, Fang tried to snap at us as they passed on either side of him, but we young pups easily evaded. We ran out into the arctic cold to see a scene of horror before us, in the snow surrounded by mourning wolves was father, lying in a patch of blood-soaked snow from where his throat was ripped out. Willow yapped in my ear, breaking me from the fear induced trance I found myself in. We heard a high pitched howl pierce the air coming from our den, with that Willow ran and I found myself following close behind. We ran, and ran, and ran. I forgot everything around me but making my paws carry me as far from there as possible. When I stopped I looked around… at the black void that surrounded me. I turned, but found nothing. Just more void in every direction. I tried to bark, but no sound came. I whimpered and laid down, at a loss for what to do, until a light pierced the void. A blue, icy light came down onto me, I looked up to see what it came from. I couldn’t see what made the light but as I looked a voice called out.
It could look more like this;
Mother barked at Willow and I, passing a message that needed no interpretation, “Run.” We ran, Fang tried to snap at us as they passed on either side of him, but we young pups easily evaded. This paragraph is about Fang attacking
We ran out into the arctic cold to see a scene of horror before us, in the snow surrounded by mourning wolves was father, lying in a patch of blood-soaked snow from where his throat was ripped out. Willow yapped in my ear, breaking me from the fear induced trance I found myself in.This is about the pups discovering their father's fate
We heard a high pitched howl pierce the air coming from our den, with that Willow ran and I found myself following close behind. We ran, and ran, and ran. I forgot everything around me but making my paws carry me as far from there as possible. This is their escape
When I stopped I looked around… at the black void that surrounded me. I turned, but found nothing. Just more void in every direction. I tried to bark, but no sound came. I whimpered and laid down, at a loss for what to do, until a light pierced the void. A blue, icy light came down onto me, I looked up to see what it came from. I couldn’t see what made the light but as I looked a voice called out.This is his entry into this strange realm
You see how each paragraph is a single moment or subject? It makes it much easier to follow like this.
7229637 Hey thanks again for the criticism. I did feel like it was running on but didn't really see where to break it up. Just takes practice I guess. Looking forward to hearing more tips as I continue. Stay awesome
It can be hard to know exactly where to break up a run-on paragraph (I don't think that's an actual term, butt fuck it) especially when the entire thing does seem to fall under a single subject. That's why I put the notes in red.
The entire thing is about there escape, but as you see, you can further break it down to the stages of their escape. That's how you have to think when dealing with that.
7326387 hehe, first time me n five others tried, we failed... our second try was 34 minutes of kicking thrall ass in a little valley with ten weights of darkness..... I kept getting my super seconds after my super ran out... I was a sunbreaker and it WAS AWESOME!!! P.s. Y no one play 360 (._.) P.p.s. I want a new chapter
7327563 1. Better system bro. Got to admit, of the current console generation Sony and ps4 is the best.
2. Patients man, if you want to read more of what I've done go read my other story. If you've done that then wait. This story probably won't be updated until I get another two or three chapters of my other one done. If you don't want to wait, find another author. This is Fimfiction, there are tons of great writers(some who are defiantly better than me) if you are having a hard time finding something look through my user page and look at my inspirations, or my favorites bookshelf.
7329986 Why so much complaining in the first place? I said I'll be working on my other story, you do remember it's in the same universe right. I'd suggest reading it as well, it will help later on to clear up certain things that happen later in this one.
7330133 maybe I shou- Nah Shush other us, he's talking Don't do it, man... Why? Cuz I said so... now keep complaining DON'T DO IT, BRO!!! I want moar story! Damn it all... stupid, stupid, stupid me IN YOUR FACE, NICE ME!!!
Finally another chapter
finaly an update bah
Noice
And then the guy with the torch eats them.
That's what you get for tempting Murphy
Anyway, still some walls of text, especially in the beginning. You need to separate it better, with a new paragraph for each new subject. Take this one for example;
It could look more like this;
You see how each paragraph is a single moment or subject? It makes it much easier to follow like this.
7229637 Hey thanks again for the criticism. I did feel like it was running on but didn't really see where to break it up. Just takes practice I guess. Looking forward to hearing more tips as I continue. Stay awesome
7229693 Glad to help.
It can be hard to know exactly where to break up a run-on paragraph (I don't think that's an actual term, butt fuck it) especially when the entire thing does seem to fall under a single subject. That's why I put the notes in red.
The entire thing is about there escape, but as you see, you can further break it down to the stages of their escape. That's how you have to think when dealing with that.
I sense they're not out of danger yet...what's next? Bandits? Barbarians? A barbershop quartet?
I was thinking/hoping you also drew inspiration from the thralls from Destiny
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/destinypedia/images/b/b4/Thrall_desktop.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130927232030
destinygamewiki.com/mediawiki/images/d/dd/Thrall_grimoire_card1.jpg
7325103 great game, absolutely love it. But oh buck no! Those things scare the hell out of me.
7325831 then you probably hate Crota's End Raid
P.s. tell me you play on 360, I need moar guardians to kick flank with
i.ytimg.com/vi/mf8D_a2-dps/maxresdefault.jpg
img.ifcdn.com/images/04c2807b409e78f3a0a85c134af81b4ef58291514af5d0e9e146bfaeb205f570_3.jpg
img.ifcdn.com/images/dd750248ece34868b91d5a3b0c9d928f80c614b479e3e1464b3ea610d7240abe_3.jpg
7326185 Sorry mate, ps4. It's the better system.
And yes, I hate Crota. And all of that raid
7326387 hehe, first time me n five others tried, we failed... our second try was 34 minutes of kicking thrall ass in a little valley with ten weights of darkness..... I kept getting my super seconds after my super ran out... I was a sunbreaker and it WAS AWESOME!!!
P.s. Y no one play 360 (._.)
P.p.s. I want a new chapter
7327563 1. Better system bro. Got to admit, of the current console generation Sony and ps4 is the best.
2. Patients man, if you want to read more of what I've done go read my other story. If you've done that then wait. This story probably won't be updated until I get another two or three chapters of my other one done. If you don't want to wait, find another author. This is Fimfiction, there are tons of great writers(some who are defiantly better than me) if you are having a hard time finding something look through my user page and look at my inspirations, or my favorites bookshelf.
7329602 fine, I go cry in corner of shame and loneliness
And I'll wait.... I still can complain, right?
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/f1/f2/aa/f1f2aafa2a315c3eafd535f70c516e9f.jpg
7329986 Why so much complaining in the first place? I said I'll be working on my other story, you do remember it's in the same universe right. I'd suggest reading it as well, it will help later on to clear up certain things that happen later in this one.
7330133
maybe I shou-
Nah
Shush other us, he's talking
Don't do it, man...
Why?
Cuz I said so... now keep complaining
DON'T DO IT, BRO!!!
I want moar story!
Damn it all... stupid, stupid, stupid me
IN YOUR FACE, NICE ME!!!
This is good story can't wait for next chapter
Dude just a few mistakes has a bit of spacing between the mistakes but you can still read them if you try.