• Member Since 26th Oct, 2015
  • offline last seen January 2nd



The U.S. has fallen to tyranny, with money and power corrupting the minds of the populace, the vacant turmoil riddled battlefield formerly refereed to as the United Sates of America now belongs to the United Nations. But its not as bad as it seems. Now that they've brought peace to the states and have been rebuilding the once great cities. This is your story on how you, a former officer, is now a resident of Equis, though you're not all that you seem.

Crossover because I'll be using ideas from games like destiny, infamous second son, ect.

Will edit when I get better at writing so my chapters aren't shit.

It's my first fic so I wanted to do something that has been nagging me for years. Be as blunt as possible If you're going to critique my story, I want to know exactly what I do wrong and in the future take the time to wrack my brain so I can fix it.
(And yes, I know that that is not how you spell phoenix, but theres a story behind my deliberate misspelling, but that is for another time.)

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 66 )

Work on spelling errors other than that its good so far

6723076 Thanks, I'll take time to edit later today after I finish writing the next chapter.

well this is more fun than i thought it'd be

I don't really care long or short just that it's stays constant/frequent

I see some typos there and there
but still good work :heart:

6728220 Why don't you go to the group looking for editors? For an editor...

Again typos
but dammmmmmmmm i luv this :heart:

Nice chapter

Short and frequent please. Nice chapter

Short chapters

I honestly just never thought of it. :derpytongue2:

Why did you switch PoV's?

Tis good, though the beginning, while very unique and original, just doesn't grab my attention very much. I can't speak for others, however, so I might just be a rare case.

6921394 Thankyou on your input, around the thritieth chapter or so i had planed on doing a bit of an overhaul once i got an editor but if you have any suggestions they would be gladly noted.

6916115 Omnisexual. That's why. He's omnisexual. That kinda thing messes with the universe. Well, all of existence, really.

6921453 ah.

Just a tip PL101, don't use your future bad guys as character tags, don't even use a guy you defeat right off the bat and never see again, it gives stuff away.

6921467 Oh believe me, that issnt nearly the last you've seen of them. They aren't going to be some repeat offenders or future foes. But I mussnt give much foresight, just read on with the next chapters I post the next coming days in retaliation for my neglegence for posting. As such midterms and a cuncussion have proven to be a formidable foe as trifling as writers block.

Somewhere in between. Too long and it takes too much time, about 45 minutes if it's ten thousand words or more. Really eats up my time. But I also don't want overly short chapters either, I go through them too quick.

Just how dark will this story be?

That is yet to be determined. Though later on I will briefly touch up on more "sensitive" topics. Those however will be in separate chapters and will be skipable for the faint of heart.

*scribling on paper*
nice chapter
P.S Android keyboard suck

IKR, I'm typing this story on a Kyocera. Part of the reason it takes me forever to write and have so many errors. Small screen with a keyboard that takes up over half the screen

6940279 Bring a torch

"What is this" say the random man. I'll tell you what it is its fucking AWESOME!!!:rainbowdetermined2:

Thanks, be on the lookout for more chapters this month, primarily tomorrow. I've finally got a handle of things (sorta) in the real world and plan to further entertain you all in the digital world.

Is the friends going to appear Anywhere in the story from now on? While the details were good I think you should focus more on their personalities and less on their appearance since it is unnessesary information:pinkiesmile: I Will keep on Reading but not enough in the first chapter for an opinion, I wish you a good day:moustache:.

Haven't decided really, though if they do then I would still be having Gary as the main character and focus mainly on him with maybe a couple chapters from the others points of view. Though I'm not sure. That's future me's problem and present me's dilemma. And a good day to you too.

Captian is darings mother. If you could give a bit a of a warning about this stuff like this would be appreciated. Cause I was confused as hell thru the story until the ending author notes explaining what was going on. Maybe make a BIG warning at the beginning explaining whats going on the next time this happens. But otherwise great story, keep up the awesome work.

Thanks for the tip, I'll do that now, also sorry, I just had a bit of writers block on what I should write about and figured some back story might be of interest.

Woooo pills; takes one, I KNOW EVERYTHING

when will the next chapter be out?

So when does the first sex scene start?

Really that's what you care about. -_-

Sigh...they'll happen when they happen.

Hmm confusing but good, kinda on a 50/50 opinion here but continue I would like to see where this ends up

prolouge -> prologue

talent how -> talent show

hover -> however

those are the first errors I spotted.

(I'll only be able to assist w/ spelling)

just going to say that I'm reading on my phone and posting my corrections/suggestions on my computer.

want that impressed -> wasn't that impressed

heeled -> healed

As my head burned away it revealed to me looking into an endless void. -> As my head burned away, it revealed what appeared to be an endless void. (I think it flows better this way)

I think the speech paragraph thing also applies to thoughts but take that with a gain of salt as I am not entirely sure.

came a female sounding voice -> came a seemingly female voice

I'm eventually -> I'm essentially

Only I am in a way omnipotent, if omnipotence was centered around one being. - doesn't feel like it flows right in my opinion and is a bit difficult for me to follow.

note: for the next one, '[]' will be representing a hit of the enter key to form a new paragraph. (this is from how I structure these comments)

'How am I even going to get my stuff?' [] "just think of it and it'll appear on your person." she stated.

As I buttoned up my coat I summoned -> As I buttoned up my coat, I summoned

But we. Must hurry up a bit -> But we must hurry up a bit

Next tough must choose your arsenal and powers. -> Next you must choose your arsenal and powers.
(your spellcheck software must suck, might I suggest Grammarly to assist?)

That's quite a mouthful there Burt -> That's quite a mouthful there, but
(ello Burt, my name's Krimson.)

as my first is warped in a stronger than meets the eye case - something about this just doesn't feel right to me, but I'm better with spelling than the type of grammar that feels wrong here, because of that I cant help you with this segment

summon anything I put into it into my hands. - doesn't seem to flow right to me.

but now youth must go -> but now you must go

As I began to remain my vision I saw what had to be one of the ugliest creatures I've ever seen -> As I began to regain my vision, I saw what had to be one of the ugliest creatures I've ever seen.

~until next time, Krimson Shadow

Thank you for the help, as my first language is not English and I am using this as a format to practice and fashion my skills as a writer. So any help in spelling errors and flow I will try to sand out when I go over it with my editor. I am thinking about writing to 50,000 words, then putting the story on a temporary hiatus to rewrite the past chapters. The hiatus would only take about a week or two however.

ok why did it go from a past present i to using you. you threw the stories flow with that

Hopes there more bc all the stories I have been cancelled bc a reason or another

Yeah, sorry about the wait, been boggled down with classes, work, and scheduling errors with my editor. Also Ive been using my free time to rewrite this story into a less fanfiction based story, and to that of an original series. I plan on having the first book out by December and have 70,000+ words for it so far. It'll be a self publish. Sorry for the wait. Expect a chapter, maybe 3 this weekend.


thank god I really like this story so far cant wait read more

get an editor it will help you greatly.

Your friend and their parents are awesome

wait till you possibly become famous then the family will come groveling to you for shit. When that happens just do what anyone else would do and slam the damn door in their face.

Doubt I'll become famous but thanks for the words of encouragement. I just hope you guys like my voice when that vid comes out tomorrow.

You know sometimes our knowledge should not be share for the greater good

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