• Member Since 13th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Kirito-Persona


Doing a lot of thinking as of late. My pm box is always open if you wanna talk ^_^

E

A normal day at home leads to Flash Sentry having to embark on a simple quest for his girlfriend, needless to say, things get complicated.

Submitted for MLPFan234's Sunset Shimmer contest! Check her stuff out, it's all pretty awesome!

Special thanks to jidbrony, The Wandering Bard, and Turning Gears for proofreading and editing!

Currently looking for the best coverart possible, I'll find it soon, promise!

UPDATE: Made one small change due to a mistake a reader noticed, mistake has been fixed, and story remains unedited otherwise.:pinkiehappy:

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 14 )

I'll admit that, despite actually kind of liking Flash as a character, this got a laugh out of me.

I really liked this short. I could just imagine poor old Flash running and fighting his way through the crowd. I think your portrayal of Sunset was also good.:pinkiehappy: It was indeed humorous.

I just notice one small thing..

“Don’t apologize, just do better last time.

Should this read 'just do better next time'??

That was the only thing I spotted. Advice I would give to improve....WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE....you get the picture:derpytongue2:

6544639 :facehoof: I shall rectify that right now!

Since you asked for a critique on dialogue, that's what I'll focus on. Here's what I've got:

"Yeah well, you still could've used a can of aerosol, at the very least,"

An aerosol is a mist of small particles. You can't really have a can of aerosol. An "aerosol spray" or "aerosol can" would be more correct.

only then remembering she didn't have the cash

Using the phrase "the cash", as opposed to, say, "any cash", suggests that Flash knows what Sunset intends to buy.

"Alright, alright, sheesh what is it this time?" Flash muttered, walking over to peek over Sunset's shoulder, much to her distaste.

This line seems odd, since Flash has been trying to placate Sunset so far. Maybe Sunset should react to it?
Also, what is it that Sunset is distasteful of? Peeking over her shoulder (why?), or was Flash walking too slowly? Or does it refer to Flash's line?

"Hurry, hurry!" Sunset snapped, irritation knitting on Flash's eyebrows.

Even given Sunset's portrayal in this story, this seems a little ... much. I mean, the matter doesn't seem all that urgent to Sunset given that she's willing to wait another hour, and buying something with a credit card takes a matter of seconds. Maybe have Flash fumble with the card or mistype to annoy Sunset?

Sunset tugged at his arm, and gave him a pleading pout.

"Buy it," she said, her tone dripping with authority

These two sentences don't seem consistent -- a pleading pout conveys the opposite of authority.

I don't really have any objections to the dialogue in the rest of the story.The shopkeeper was a bit overbearing for my taste (Even if she was just naturally like that, she was still trying to sell something), but I think that was intentional, for humorous effect? Other than that, there are also some strange word choices and phrases in the prose, and I can go into greater detail if you'd like.

I like it. Grammar errors here and there, but that didn't stop my enjoyment. :derpytongue2:

6546787

And just like that, I realised I have failed to be a good proof-reader...
(Referring to the comment, not the story itself.)

Oh well. Learn from your mistakes.

6544779

6573128
It's okay, it was late at night my friend, I don't blame you.:twilightsmile: I should have found those mistakes myself.

Just some editing ideas. Not forcing you to change the story, just some suggestions. :twilightsheepish:

First letter of each word in the chapter title should be capitalized.

Behind it's simple gray walls sat a high schooler named, Flash Sentry.

take away the apostrophe and the comma.

even if he had to...Compromise for it.
"Urgh...This place reeks,"

Compromise should not be capitalized, but "this" can be, due to the first one being a continuation of the sentence and the second one not.
Same thing applies throughout the story.
Also, it should be a period, not a comma, due to the fact that what comes after is capitalized.

Eh. I might do more later. :twilightsmile:

I normally dislike Flash... But it's hard to find FUNNY fanfics about pre-Twilight Sunset
So thanks :twilightsmile:
And sorry i didn't comment earlier, fimfiction was being a pain :twilightoops:

:rainbowwild:
Grammar Nazi shall begin...
first paragraph:

It all started on a Saturday morning in Equisvile, just three blocks down from Canterlot High in a small house. Behind it's simple gray walls sat a high schooler named, Flash Sentry. Fairly well built with orange skin and wild blue hair, many liked to joke he was the picture of 'adult cool'. Essentially, what every adult thought the cool kids were like nowadays, a joke he took pretty well.

firstly. It all started on a.... is a classic intro. nice.

Equisville, please, 1 l makes it into vile horse. and nobody like's a vile horse.

I'd put a comma after high, in a small house, with simple gray walls. within such a complex, sat Flash Sentry. Flash was a fairly well built teen, with orange skin and wild blue hair. it was jokingly referred to that he was the picture of 'adult cool' Essentially, the adult's concept of what constituted as a cool kid.

next paragraph.
as a musician, I recommend you change testing the song to creating it.
and yeah... that happens. but busy life means new experiences. new experiences means new concepts for songs.

Between her swift ascension to school alpha, and rock solid academic performance, she'd taken the place by storm, to everyone's chagrin.

alpha of what?

I don't really like Flash that much, but damn... I feel sorry for him.

I know Sunny was a bit over the edge of total control but even he doesn't deserve this. (Maybe...)

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