A normal day at home leads to Flash Sentry having to embark on a simple quest for his girlfriend, needless to say, things get complicated.
Submitted for MLPFan234's Sunset Shimmer contest! Check her stuff out, it's all pretty awesome!
Special thanks to jidbrony, The Wandering Bard, and Turning Gears for proofreading and editing!
Currently looking for the best coverart possible, I'll find it soon, promise!
UPDATE: Made one small change due to a mistake a reader noticed, mistake has been fixed, and story remains unedited otherwise.
Chapters (1)
I'll admit that, despite actually kind of liking Flash as a character, this got a laugh out of me.
I really liked this short. I could just imagine poor old Flash running and fighting his way through the crowd. I think your portrayal of Sunset was also good.
It was indeed humorous.
I just notice one small thing..
Should this read 'just do better next time'??
That was the only thing I spotted. Advice I would give to improve....WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE....you get the picture
6544639
I shall rectify that right now!
6544779 no worries
Hello!
~M.L.B.~
How I imagined it all:
lh4.googleusercontent.com/-prHNhCR5jS0/U4OpxEnYejI/AAAAAAAAAnE/Tqig8SFsmRM/w1024-h685/359906.png
10/10 Wheres my waifu...
Since you asked for a critique on dialogue, that's what I'll focus on. Here's what I've got:
An aerosol is a mist of small particles. You can't really have a can of aerosol. An "aerosol spray" or "aerosol can" would be more correct.
Using the phrase "the cash", as opposed to, say, "any cash", suggests that Flash knows what Sunset intends to buy.
This line seems odd, since Flash has been trying to placate Sunset so far. Maybe Sunset should react to it?
Also, what is it that Sunset is distasteful of? Peeking over her shoulder (why?), or was Flash walking too slowly? Or does it refer to Flash's line?
Even given Sunset's portrayal in this story, this seems a little ... much. I mean, the matter doesn't seem all that urgent to Sunset given that she's willing to wait another hour, and buying something with a credit card takes a matter of seconds. Maybe have Flash fumble with the card or mistype to annoy Sunset?
These two sentences don't seem consistent -- a pleading pout conveys the opposite of authority.
I don't really have any objections to the dialogue in the rest of the story.The shopkeeper was a bit overbearing for my taste (Even if she was just naturally like that, she was still trying to sell something), but I think that was intentional, for humorous effect? Other than that, there are also some strange word choices and phrases in the prose, and I can go into greater detail if you'd like.
I like it. Grammar errors here and there, but that didn't stop my enjoyment.
6546787
And just like that, I realised I have failed to be a good proof-reader...
(Referring to the comment, not the story itself.)
Oh well. Learn from your mistakes.
6544779
6573128
I should have found those mistakes myself.
It's okay, it was late at night my friend, I don't blame you.
Just some editing ideas. Not forcing you to change the story, just some suggestions.
First letter of each word in the chapter title should be capitalized.
take away the apostrophe and the comma.
Compromise should not be capitalized, but "this" can be, due to the first one being a continuation of the sentence and the second one not.
Same thing applies throughout the story.
Also, it should be a period, not a comma, due to the fact that what comes after is capitalized.
Eh. I might do more later.
I normally dislike Flash... But it's hard to find FUNNY fanfics about pre-Twilight Sunset
So thanks
And sorry i didn't comment earlier, fimfiction was being a pain
Grammar Nazi shall begin...
first paragraph:
firstly. It all started on a.... is a classic intro. nice.
Equisville, please, 1 l makes it into vile horse. and nobody like's a vile horse.
I'd put a comma after high, in a small house, with simple gray walls. within such a complex, sat Flash Sentry. Flash was a fairly well built teen, with orange skin and wild blue hair. it was jokingly referred to that he was the picture of 'adult cool' Essentially, the adult's concept of what constituted as a cool kid.
next paragraph.
as a musician, I recommend you change testing the song to creating it.
and yeah... that happens. but busy life means new experiences. new experiences means new concepts for songs.
alpha of what?
I don't really like Flash that much, but damn... I feel sorry for him.
I know Sunny was a bit over the edge of total control but even he doesn't deserve this. (Maybe...)
After reading this I want to see a sequel where flash dumps her. Or a prequel showing how Sunset and the book store owner became friends. Either way, a good story that got me invested in seeing more. Thanks for writing it.
..... I hate this so much (it’s official you made me hate sunset) hopefully in a sequel she spends every single second making it up to him, also was the old lady really necessary she just felt like a vindictive over the top characature
6790218
And thus I lost hope for humanity