Chapter 1: Sunset needs something
It all started on a Saturday morning in Equisvile, just three blocks down from Canterlot High in a small house. Behind it's simple gray walls sat a high schooler named, Flash Sentry. Fairly well built with orange skin and wild blue hair, many liked to joke he was the picture of 'adult cool'. Essentially, what every adult thought the cool kids were like nowadays, a joke he took pretty well.
He was stretched out on his couch, scribbling a few notes in his songbook. Specifically, changes for a few new songs he and his band mates were in the process of testing. Moments like this were pretty rare, between school, homework, social time, practice, and gigs, hence why new songs were so rare for them. Happily, Flash was finally able to sit down and review everything they'd written, even if he had to...Compromise for it.
"Urgh...This place reeks," A female voice complained from his couch. Flash just looked up, an apologetic smile on his face. The girl in question was laying across from him, her orange skin and long fire like hair complimenting her stern temperament. If she wasn't glaring right now she'd be rather beautiful, that being the school's universal opinion of her.
"Sorry, Sunset. I don't have a lot of spare time to clean, what with everything else in my life," he explained, crossing out a few particular lyrics. He really needed to have a chat with Gavel Smash about his word choices in the near future. Flash didn't care how popular it was, they weren't going rap!
"Yeah well, you still could've used a can of aerosol, at the very least," Sunset rolled her eyes. It was kinda hard to believe it'd only been two years since Sunset Shimmer had first come to Equisville. Between her swift ascension to school alpha, and rock solid academic performance, she'd taken the place by storm, to everyone's chagrin.
But the weird thing was, even with two years of attendance and social popularity, no one knew who she was. Her background was completely unknown, she didn't seem to have any old friends from school, her parents were a mystery. It was as if she had never existed until that exact moment in freshman year, appearing like a ghost.
Even Flash didn't know that much about her, and he was pretty much the only person allowed to talk to her, in the casual sense at least. He didn't have any delusions about his position of trophy boyfriend, a trinket meant to make her look better to the masses. Not that he minded, it kept him from getting the normal Shimmer treatment, and he got a few perks too. Not to mention, once you got to know her…
"Hey, wake up!" Sunset snapped, pulling Flash from his silent thoughts. He gave her an apologetic look, before turning back to her notebook.
"Sorry, last night's concert ran a little long babe," he explained, crossing out another of Smash's lyrical selections. Sunset just rolled her eyes, going back to her web shopping. Something of a more recent interest, Sunset would spend hours browsing for things she didn't have any use for, many of them being toxic for Flash's poor wallet.
After a few seconds of awkward silence, Flash resumed his work. The only noise in the room being the dull whirring of the fan. Looking over his book, Flash gently moved his foot to tap Sunset's leg, an action that made her twitch. A low growl escaped her lips, making Flash go tense.
"Sorry!" he raised his hands up defensively. Sunset opened her mouth to retort, only to find her eyes darting to her computer screen, much to Flash's relief. Sunset stared for a few seconds, before turning her gaze back to Flash.
"Card! Now!" she snapped, much to Flash's frustration. He was about to suggest Sunset pay for it herself, only then remembering she didn't have the cash. And asking her to get a job was like trying to convince Smash that a rap/rock hybrid wasn't the second coming of sliced bread. "Come on!"
"Alright, alright, sheesh what is it this time?" Flash muttered, walking over to peek over Sunset's shoulder, much to her distaste. The screen showed a picture of an green book, it's cover filled with ornately decorated unicorns and pegasi. The caption above giving away the book's title: Horses and Magic: Unicorns and Pegasi in Human Mythology.
"..." Flash just stared at the screen with a dumbfounded expression. Sunset tugged at his arm, and gave him a pleading pout.
"Buy it," she said, her tone dripping with authority. Flash simply gave her a confused look, which she returned with a stone cold glare. "Buy it. Now."
"Alright, alright, if that's what you want," Flash shrugged and clicked on a few keys, inputting his debit card and placing an order.
"Hurry, hurry!" Sunset snapped, irritation knitting on Flash's eyebrows.
"I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying-uh oh," Flash muttered, earning a classic Sunset glare in response.
"What, uh-oh?" she asked, her tone calm and level, but her eyes betraying a growing tension. Flash rubbed the back of his neck, then turned the screen towards Sunset, who yanked it towards her in shock.
Your Amazon account has been frozen on orders from a parental account. We're sorry for any inconvenience.
"..."
"...What is that about!?!” Sunset growled, a false smile stretching on her face. Flash gulped as she placed her hand on his shoulder, her nails digging into his skin as she tilted her head. "Sweetie?"
"Uh-Ummm, mom and dad probably saw how much I was spending, and must have shut down my account," Flash winced, Sunset's smile growing painfully wide.
"I see...And that's standing in the way of me getting what I want. You remember what happened last time that happened, don't you?"
Flash let out a low whimper at the memory. No one at CHS wanted to remember the cotton candy fiasco of 2010, the first and last time someone ever said no to Sunset. There was so much blood, and plush, and candy... He simply nodded in response.
"And you don't want that happening again, do you?" she asked, Flash shaking his head to reply. "So, what are you gonna do about it?"
"I'm gonna...Go to the bookstore, see if they have the book, and buy it?" Flash asked, Sunset loosening her grip on the poor boy, who sighed with relief. Sunset gave him a congratulatory pat on the head in response.
"That's a good boy, now, go and get Sunset what she wants~" she smacked his back, watching him get up with her predatory gaze. "I'll just stay here, be back soon as possible. Any later than one, and I'll be very, very, very, disappointed," She said, her tone dropping any signs of warmth.
Gak! Can’t screw this up, play it cool!
"I understand, I'll get it and be back fast as possible!" he snapped his fingers, then walked forward, only to crash into the doorside. Sunset shooting a glare as he gave an apologetic smile, before running out the door.
Right, it's 11:45 now, I got a whole hour to get this done! Just a quick hop and skip to the bookstore, grab the book, and get back before Sunset kills me! Who knows, maybe she'll tell me why she wants this thing so much in the first place.
Flash quickly bolted to his family's garage and slid into his car. He quickly yanked the keys out of the compartment, then turned the ignition on and set out. Sunset watching from the window with an impatient stare, Flash shooting a thumbs up before turning his eyes back to the road.
The drive only took five minutes, ending with a quick parallel park. He shot out of the car at a rapid pace, eager to get this done ASAP. He pushed past the doorway and stumbled inside, ignoring the wafting smell of old paper and paint as he stumbled to the front desk.
"Excuse me, I'm looking for a-"
"Shhh!" the stern looking woman hushed from behind her desk, her wrinkled face shooting a glare. Flash shut his mouth at her behest, watching her scribble into her notebook.
"...Ummm, could you please help me?" he asked in a slightly lower tone. "I'm trying to find a book."
"Really? I never would have guessed," the woman rolled her eyes and went back to writing, much to Flash's anger. He opened his mouth to protest, only to be cut off. "And what book are you looking for?"
"...Ummm, Horses and Magic: Unicorns and Pegasi in Human Mythology," Flash recited, the shopkeeper leaving to search. Flash absentmindedly strummed his fingers back and forth while he watched, rocking his head a little to the imaginary beat. He ran through one of his first songs from back in the band's early days, a nostalgic grin crossing his face all the while.
"Ahem," the woman cleared her throat, drawing Flash's attention. He looked down to realize he'd started belting out in his daydream, a sheepish blush crossing his face, then woman simply curling her upper lip in distaste. "We have the book in question-"
"Oh thank goodness," Flash sighed, a massive burden coming off his shoulders. He pulled his wallet out to pay. "How much?"
"Two hundred dollars," the woman said, causing Flash to freeze in place. "It's an original first edition, signed by the author to boot. Only copy we have, take it or leave it." She explained, turning back to her notebook.
"...Are you sure you read that right?" Flash asked, a nervous tension bubbling in his voice.
"Yes, I'm sure. I priced every book here myself, but I can understand your confusion," she said, rolling her eyes, "Stupid kids like you don't understand the value of fine art anymore." Flash felt his mouth drop at her words, unable to formulate a proper response.
"See? How you hang there like a stupid ape, dumb kids with your kindles and cat videos!" she hissed. "Troglodytes like you wouldn't know fine art if it hit you over the head." She huffed.
Flash shut his mouth after stuttering for a few seconds, ready to protest. However, that thought quickly subsided when he realized how useless it would be. "Look, I don't have 200 dollars to spare-"
"Then buy something else, or get out. Kids like you always come in without buying anything," she huffed.
And I'm sure you're attitude has nothing to do with that. "Look, I really need this book, is there anything I can do to cover the costs?"
"What?! Are you trying to cheat your way out of the pricing?! You kids really don't have any sense of morality!" she snapped, folding her arms.
"No, no! I'm asking if there's something I could do to earn a reduced price, I'm not a cheater!" he waved his arms frantically.
"...Pig," she huffed, only to tap her chin a second later. "There is one thing you could do for me," she said, lowering her voice a little. Flash raised an eyebrow, but leaned in nonetheless, making sure to tune his ears carefully. "My...Granddaughter wants a very special doll for her birthday. A pretty pony princess Lavender doll, to be specific." she clarified.
"...And how do I factor into this?"
"I was getting to that," she hissed. "Thing is, I don't close shop till Six, by the time I get out to the store, it's sold out!"
"Well...Why not just order it online?" Flash asked, regretting it a few seconds later.
"And help spread the corruption of the internet? NO thank you," she huffed. Flash's fingers drummed against his side with an irritated beat. "You want the book? I'll give it to you, half price if you get me that doll."
Flash thought it over for a few seconds, trying to weigh all the pros and cons. It was better than paying two hundred, that's for sure. But something about it still bothered him, there had to be another reason why she'd send him out instead of closing up ear-
BEEP!
Flash's gaze shot towards his watch, eyes twitching nervously. "Alright, alright! I'll get it for you, promise!" he blurted out, rushing out the door with a wave. Lavender Pony Princess doll...Lavender Pony Princess...Lavender Pony Princess...Got it!
Flash rushed towards his car, only to find himself unable to get inside. He tugged on the switch a little, but his Mustang wouldn't budge. "Come on...Come on! Open you stupid!...Grk!" Flash pressed his face up against the door, realizing his keys were still in the ignition…
"Dang it!...Guess I'm walking," he muttered, then took off running towards the store. Note to self, call locksmith later! And make sure Sunset doesn’t find out, she’d laugh so hard...
The run took him ten minutes, better than normal, though when you considered the deadline... Speaking of which, he flipped down towards his watch again anxiously. 12:20 now, he was running out of time!
He burst into the department store, his face dripping with sweat as he trembled over to the person in charge. He really hoped this guy wasn't as crazy as the last lady. The man in question tilting his head in confusion at the sight of a very sweaty teenaged boy.
Right, gonna have to explain this one away...Eh, forget it, not enough time! Every second I waste is a second Sunset’s gonna hold over me for life!
"I...Need...Something..." he huffed, using the wall as support.
"Of course, that's what we're here for after all. What do you need?" Flash huffed a few times, letting out a few anxious breaths.
"A-A gift...A Lavender Pony Princess doll!" he explained, earning a very disturbed look from the shopkeeper. "Not for me! For someone else!" He huffed.
"Do you possibly mean a Twilight Twinkle doll? That's the only Lavender Pony Princess doll we have..." the man said, his words drifting off. Flash nodded rapidly.
"The lady didn't specify, but yeah, that must be it! Where is it, and how much?" Flash asked, ready to pull it out.
"Aisle fifteen, and it's on sale for ten dollars, but sir, I must warn you that's our hottest selling it-" Flash didn't hear the rest, already bolting off at the mention of the price. He counted down every aisle by number, the red and white bricks blurring into one another as he counted off.
"thirteen...Fourteen...Fifteen! I got-oh..."
Absolute chaos would be an understatement. Parents all around were gathered in a massive circle, obscenities being hurled back and forth. Limbs tangled together in a sea of fisticuffs and tossed aside bodies, store clerks desperately trying to maintain order. In the center of it all though, lay a massive pile of pink pony princesses.
"GIVE IT HERE! IT'S MY KIDS BIRTHDAY TOMMOROW!"
"SO WHAT?! THAT DOLL'S GONNA WIN ME A CUSTODY HEARING!"
Flash winced at the sight of it all, knowing what he needed was in the middle. The brief thought of turning back popped into his mind, just running back and forgetting about the fight. But then, a certain angry scowl appeared in his brain, making him gulp.
It's either death by bravery, or death by cowardice, the crowd, or Sunset… Well, crowd has a chance of survival, compared to Sunset anyway. I could always run, unless she tracked me down…
He reached a decision three seconds later.. Flash took a deep breath, then ran forward, his feet picking up momentum against the marble floor. At the last possible second, he pushed himself upward, landing on top of an unsuspecting parents head with a soft thud.
From there, he crawled forward among the mass, stepping on a few parents and shouting out apologies all the way. A few people tried to pull him down, but that didn't work due to everyone else. Finally, he grabbed the pink box in the center, pulled it to his chest, then started his crawl back.
The return journey was a little harder, however. The added weight of the box slowed him down, and a few parents seemed to notice what he was clutching. Most of them tried desperately ripping it out of his arms, his skin tearing from the abuse.
"Ofh!" he crashed on the floor with a thud, quickly standing up as his eyes readjusted. He looked down and saw his prize, a little bruised like him, but still in serviceable condition. He quickly bolted off, scooping down to pick it up as he ran.
He quickly turned back, sighing in relief as he saw the crowd was still struggling. Still, waiting around probably wasn’t the best idea. He ran up to the register, threw down a fistful of dollars, took the receipt, and ran out hastily.
The return trip to the library was pretty exhausting. The box, while not particularly heavy, still bogged him down. And to make matters worse, the few light drops he’d felt as he left the store had morphed into a full blown storm.
Still, he flipped his jacket’s neck guard up as he pressed forward, face flushed with determination, and raindrops. He gripped at his right arm a little, trying to stop the blood from dripping out.
The run did give him some time to think though. As the blood dripped down his arm amidst the rainfall, he had to wonder: Why the heck was he doing this anyway?
Well, the obvious answer would be, for Sunset. More specifically, to avoid getting his face smashed in by her. Though considering how much abuse he’d just gone through inside…
Sure the perks are great, more attention at the shows and all. But does that really justify the lack of affection and emphasis on tough love, bordering on abuse? Well, better that than the alternative I guess…
But is it, really?...
Flash found himself torn from his thoughts, however, as he arrived at the bookstore. A relieved sigh escaping his lips as he bolted forward to the old building. He pulled the box out of his jacked, dried it off, and pushed his way inside.
“I got it!” he huffed, stumbling inside.
“You're late,” Sunset commented, leaning against the counter, book in hand. Flash just stared awkwardly at her, a bemused expression on her face.
“S-Sunset! What are you doing here?” Flash tensed, checking his watch and going wide eyed. She was right, he was three minutes late!
“I got tired of waiting, so I bought the book myself,” Sunset explained, flipping through the pages delicately. Flash just stared, awkwardly holding out the box he’d ran for, earning a raised eyebrow from Sunset.
“You stopped buying me the book to get a pony toy? How childish are you?”
“I was trying to get the book!”
“By going off track?” Sunset chuckled, Flash starting to wobble a bit.
“Shopkeeper promised me half off if I got it for her,” he stammered, gripping the wall awkwardly. “Didn’t mention how kill crazy everyone was for it.”
“Of course, why do you think I sent you?” the old woman asked, coming out of the back. “You know this boy, Ms. Shimmer?”
“My idiot boyfriend, he was supposed to pick this up for me,” she explained, Flash folding his arms in bemusement, only to fall against the wall, stumbling back up immediately.
“Ah, that explains it,” the shopkeeper mused, sitting back down and going to her notes. “I’m sorry you had to wait for it, Ms. Shimmer.”
“It’s really no problem, I’m sorry he wasted your time, Mrs. Bookmaid,” Sunset chuckled, pulling the box out of Flash’s grasping hands and handing it over.
“Oh it’s no waste Sunset! I finally have what my granddaughter wanted now, so thank you both,” She chuckled, “Him for getting it, and you for forcing it.”
“No problem,” Sunset gave a radiant fake smile in return. Flash simply watched the two in complete shock, wobbling a little as he started sneezing. “Oh, you okay?”
“Fine...Just a little..Choo!” Flash sneezed into his sleeve, sniffling a little. “Guess the run was just a little...Stressful…” Flash muttered, his eyes starting to flicker a little.
Sunset and the shopkeeper watched as Flash fell to the floor. A low snore emanating from his lips. The two turned to one another, before rolling their eyes as Sunset lifted him up and walked him forward.
“Room in the back if you need it,” the old woman chuckled, setting the pony box aside to unlock the door. “I’ll let ya stay till we close up, for one of my favorite customers, and the boy who did me a favor.” She explained, Sunset giving her a rare smile.
“Thanks for that.”
“Only on the condition you smack him for tracking mud in the store,” she clarified, earning a thumbs up from Sunset. “I do hope you find what you're looking for in that book!”
“I’m certain I will, this world and Equestria have to be connected, somehow…” She whispered, to the shopkeeper’s confusion. Sunset just gave a fake smile in response as she pulled Flash away, putting the old woman at ease.
"Such a nice young girl..."
“Sorry...Was late…” he mumbled half heartedly, Sunset simply punching him in the side.
“Don’t apologize, just do better next time. You know I hate having to save you…” she muttered, pulling him forward as she gently pulled the door behind them. She sat Flash down, pulled up his feet, and watched him for however long it took, a scowl on her face in preparation as she flipped through her new book...
I did a rather hasty edit for this one, sorry if it's a little clunky.
I hope you all enjoyed it, and as always, any advice on how to improve as a writer would be much appreciated!
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I'll admit that, despite actually kind of liking Flash as a character, this got a laugh out of me.
I really liked this short. I could just imagine poor old Flash running and fighting his way through the crowd. I think your portrayal of Sunset was also good.
It was indeed humorous.
I just notice one small thing..
Should this read 'just do better next time'??
That was the only thing I spotted. Advice I would give to improve....WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE....you get the picture
6544639
I shall rectify that right now!
6544779 no worries
Hello!
~M.L.B.~
How I imagined it all:
lh4.googleusercontent.com/-prHNhCR5jS0/U4OpxEnYejI/AAAAAAAAAnE/Tqig8SFsmRM/w1024-h685/359906.png
10/10 Wheres my waifu...
Since you asked for a critique on dialogue, that's what I'll focus on. Here's what I've got:
An aerosol is a mist of small particles. You can't really have a can of aerosol. An "aerosol spray" or "aerosol can" would be more correct.
Using the phrase "the cash", as opposed to, say, "any cash", suggests that Flash knows what Sunset intends to buy.
This line seems odd, since Flash has been trying to placate Sunset so far. Maybe Sunset should react to it?
Also, what is it that Sunset is distasteful of? Peeking over her shoulder (why?), or was Flash walking too slowly? Or does it refer to Flash's line?
Even given Sunset's portrayal in this story, this seems a little ... much. I mean, the matter doesn't seem all that urgent to Sunset given that she's willing to wait another hour, and buying something with a credit card takes a matter of seconds. Maybe have Flash fumble with the card or mistype to annoy Sunset?
These two sentences don't seem consistent -- a pleading pout conveys the opposite of authority.
I don't really have any objections to the dialogue in the rest of the story.The shopkeeper was a bit overbearing for my taste (Even if she was just naturally like that, she was still trying to sell something), but I think that was intentional, for humorous effect? Other than that, there are also some strange word choices and phrases in the prose, and I can go into greater detail if you'd like.
I like it. Grammar errors here and there, but that didn't stop my enjoyment.
6546787
And just like that, I realised I have failed to be a good proof-reader...
(Referring to the comment, not the story itself.)
Oh well. Learn from your mistakes.
6544779
6573128
I should have found those mistakes myself.
It's okay, it was late at night my friend, I don't blame you.
Just some editing ideas. Not forcing you to change the story, just some suggestions.
First letter of each word in the chapter title should be capitalized.
take away the apostrophe and the comma.
Compromise should not be capitalized, but "this" can be, due to the first one being a continuation of the sentence and the second one not.
Same thing applies throughout the story.
Also, it should be a period, not a comma, due to the fact that what comes after is capitalized.
Eh. I might do more later.
I normally dislike Flash... But it's hard to find FUNNY fanfics about pre-Twilight Sunset
So thanks
And sorry i didn't comment earlier, fimfiction was being a pain
Grammar Nazi shall begin...
first paragraph:
firstly. It all started on a.... is a classic intro. nice.
Equisville, please, 1 l makes it into vile horse. and nobody like's a vile horse.
I'd put a comma after high, in a small house, with simple gray walls. within such a complex, sat Flash Sentry. Flash was a fairly well built teen, with orange skin and wild blue hair. it was jokingly referred to that he was the picture of 'adult cool' Essentially, the adult's concept of what constituted as a cool kid.
next paragraph.
as a musician, I recommend you change testing the song to creating it.
and yeah... that happens. but busy life means new experiences. new experiences means new concepts for songs.
alpha of what?
I don't really like Flash that much, but damn... I feel sorry for him.
I know Sunny was a bit over the edge of total control but even he doesn't deserve this. (Maybe...)
After reading this I want to see a sequel where flash dumps her. Or a prequel showing how Sunset and the book store owner became friends. Either way, a good story that got me invested in seeing more. Thanks for writing it.
..... I hate this so much (it’s official you made me hate sunset) hopefully in a sequel she spends every single second making it up to him, also was the old lady really necessary she just felt like a vindictive over the top characature
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And thus I lost hope for humanity