• Member Since 11th May, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 31st, 2018

MasterZadok


A self-taught writer, I have written a couple short stories for college and would love your critiques and feedback to help in my goal of going from writer to author.

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Source

"Do you know what it's like, fearing for your own sanity? Do you know what it's like not recognizing the thing you see in the mirror?"
Sunset Shimmer has been cut with the deepest wound of all: regret. She's retreated from everyone around her and even though Twilight's friends are trying to reach out to her, it doesn't seem like the former unicorn wants to be helped. Or is there something more? What could possibly drive a strong, confident lady like Sunset Shimmer to fear even her own shadow? And, is she still the same selfish girl she one was, or are her efforts to distance herself an attempt to save everyone else in the school from a horrible fate?
Set during and after the Rainbow Rocks shorts, this story tries to be as canonical as possible while giving Sunset Shimmer more depth as a person and leading up to EG2.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 15 )

First, another comb over would do wonders for you. There were a lot of small spelling mistakes that could easily be fixed.

The story itself was very good! I like seeing everyone's various takes on what happened after the movie. And your theory on magic and the human world helped me churn out some ideas of my own, so thanks for that!

Keep up the good work!

4521693 I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'll get on a second read-though immediately. Personally, I enjoy theorizing about magic and stuff and the Elements are some of my favorite plot elements.(no pun intended) Like the Triforce is to Hyrule, I figure they're connected to Equestria itself, but they're also more tied into the destinies of the people (ponies) wielding them.

Once again, Reader, I need your help. I had a lot of fun with this story and I loved trying to give Sunset Shimmer (now one of my favorites) a deeper back story, but as a writer, I know I can always improve. Specifically, I know that one of my bad habits is to let dialogue run away from me and I don't know how much or how little I need to explain.
I hope you enjoy the story!

4522009 One of my favorite Television Series that explores magic and the multiverse (As I call it) is Once Upon a Time (A show about fairy tale characters coming to the real world) They explain it as each world magic works differently. In some places its strong and very much present while in other it is very weak. The real world is known as "A Land without Magic", and when magic finally does come to the real world it's very unpredictable and doesn't work quite the way you think it would. Oh and also this show has my favorite magical concept. "All Magic comes with a price." (Best magic concept EVER!:pinkiehappy:)


Anyway, love the story hope you write more Sunset Shimmer fan fics. She's always been a character I think you can do a lot with.

4527239 "Tick tock, Dearie!" I love that series! (Or, at least S1... And most of S2... And... That's all I've seen. :applejackunsure:)Rumpelstiltskin is one of my favorite villains! Perhaps a piece of that came out in this story after all.

4527369 You know I wouldn't be surprised when Sunset Shimmer was going on about not having magic when she arrived in the human world I was just waiting for her to say "magic is power." (Rumple's philosophy on magic and probably Sunset's at one point)

4527989 Exactly, but I also stumbled upon another facet of Sunset's megalomania. If she truly thought that she had to stand out in order for Celestia to acknowledge her, then magic=power, but it also = her love for Celestia.
I've been meaning to write another blog post outlining some of these things.

4528287 That is very true, and like all Villains they always forget one of the important rules of magic. It can't make someone fall in love with you. True love that is not that love poison stuff from Hearts warming eve episode.


Now here's something I've always been curious about in MLP magic. What's more powerful Love or Friendship. Some shows (Like ONCE) say True Love is the most powerful magic, but MLP clearly says that Friendship is the most powerful magic. Perhaps love is like Friendship plus. But who knows. :twilightoops:

4528402 Well, that's an interesting question that I've come across as well in my mental wanderings. My theory, however, is that even though the two are different, love and friendship at not mutually exclusive or superior to each other.
According to the oldest stories, love is one of the most powerful facets of the multiverse. Literally, a consuming power that can alter entire universes (both personal and public) so that those involved can attain the highest transcendence; that of existing for the sake of someone other than yourself. It is selfish in it's need to "belong", but selfless in the way that that belonging is solely for someone else.
Friendship, on the other hand, is similar in the case where it is the active pursuit of tying one's life and destiny to other people, but is strictly platonic. A pure love, if you will. Actually, I'm having a hard time distinguishing the two now that I'm so deep, but Fire Emblem Awakening described "friendship" as, "... Invisible bonds, tying us together..." insinuating that one has painted the story of their life with the ink of another person and, come what may, that person will never be the same. Memories and change vs. two becoming one. Friendship vs. Love.
In closing, the Elements of Harmony thrive from how one life touches and changes another, thus, the show focuses on how friendship is magic. Still, a powerful case for love was introduced between Shining Armor and Cadance.

4528851 Quite fascinating.

Have you considered doing a follow up story to this short but make it a full blown story. I love seeing what people do with Sunset Shimmer as a character. You could explore more about the concepts of the multiverse and how magic is effected by it and how the magic in the Equstria Girls world is starting to become more unstable or at least more unpredictable because as we all know. "It comes with a price." :raritywink:

4529398 Per habit, I always write my stories so that they can always mature into full novels or continue via sequels, much like real life, but I don't know how much farther I should go with this story. For now, anyways. It was written as a prequel to EG2, trying to salvage what I could and develop how I think the story is/ should go, but in the end, it is not cannon. To venture further would be to explore territory that the actual movie could/ should cover and it's not my place to infringe on that.

Yet. :trixieshiftright:

P. S. That's not to say I don't have ideas. One ending to this story that ALMOST happened was Sunset Shimmer accidentally repairing a snapped brick with the "order" spell that Twilight Sparkle used to repair the Hoofer Dam that one time. The effect startled her, but it's only a hint into more stories I could easily create, particularly with the theory that the multiverse's fabric now has holes in it... :twilightsmile:

4529463 Very interesting. I would love to see some of this stuff explored in the EQ2 movie. Heck I would love to see Sunset Shimmer explored in the second EQ2 movie (Heck even in the rumored kind of confirmed EQ series Equestria Academy). But hey what can you do.

You know I have always been curious of what would happen if Once Upon a time and MLP had a fan fic crossover. I tried writing one once. Didn't work out. But one of my concepts for the story was each time Twilight tried to use her magic to get the mane six out of a jam, the spell would work but then later something bad would always happen. Because personally I've always wanted to see Twilight whole philosophy on magic challenged by Rumplestiliskin philosophy on magic in terms of how it "always come with a price." Perhaps there is some ideas for a story there if you looking for new projects.

The story was enjoyable to read, and I liked where you took it.

However, there were a lot of mechanical flaws.

First, it's Applejack. One word.

Second, as a fiery redheaded friend of mine put it, "Her hair is literally the colour of ketchup and mustard." Not strawberry-blonde.

Third, there were a couple times where you had multiple exclamation marks. One does the same job with just one exclamation mark without jarring the reader out of the story.

Fourth, you used far too many ellipsis. They were overused to the point of completely losing their impact.

We were worried’s all.

I get the contraction you were going for, but it just does not read well.

Everything=slippery

Why in the world is there an equal sign there? Just... no. That has no place in the story.

A new “gameplan”

Quotes within quotes are single quotes, not double. You did this multiple times.

“I decided to prove it.
I became obsessed

You correctly left off the closing quotation, but you forgot to put the opening quotation in the next line.

but according to the ancient wizard, Star Swirl the Bearded,”
Pinkie Pie snickered.
“These Elements were a

First, that should all be one line. Second, they should be separated by an em dash like so: Star Swirl the Bearded—” Pinkie Pie snickered. “—These

I'm amazed at the fact that so many folks are covering the same ground I did, just in different ways. Nothing wrong with that, of course.

Anyway, my issues are pretty much the same as others have raised. The story itself is sound, though one thing you should note; thirty moons is roughly the same as thirty months. So if you ever do a future draft, you might want to keep that in mind.

“We don’t…” Applejack looked back through the cafeteria. “… Perhaps we need to find a less intimidating critter to break the ice. We need to find Fluttershy.”

i loved this story alot but there was one thing i didnt like....

Fluttershy is not a Critter!

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