• Published 31st May 2012
  • 6,387 Views, 52 Comments

Pinkie Pie in: Princess Celestia Hates Tea - JadeCriminal



Sometimes, a mare has to do what a mare has to do. And sometimes... Pinkie Pie!

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Auntie Pinkie Knows All.

NOTE: read this first Princness Celestia Hates Tea




In a shadowed room something wicked shifted in the darkness.

"It was a dark and stormy night. The shadows were long and spooky as the light of sunset dimmed in the sugarless regions of Postaponiptia where sugar is scarce and spinach grows freely. The last descendant the sugar tribe, mindless from lack of essential nutrition stalked her scarce prey carefully, slowly. Her loyal companion, The Dreaded Aligatozilla circled, flanking it on the side and flushing it towards her. And when she was within killing distance The Pinkamonster swooped down on the dire gummy bear sticking a dagger into it's flank and sinking her fangs into it's neck."

With those words Pinkie pie jumped down from the couch towards the basketball sized gummy bear and did
just that wildly swinging it around in her teeth shaking it like a rag doll.

With a knock her room doors opened and light flooded into the shady room.

"Pinkie have you seen the..." Misus Cake paused. Pinkie was frozen in the act of shaking her prey one hoof raised with a plastic dagger in it. Miss Cake coughed.

"Playing Pinkamonster Steampunkia again?" She asked.

Pinkie tossed the large gummy bear in the air and swallowed it in a single bite

"Yep! Wanna join? I'm just about to go hunt the licorice spiders." Pinkie offered while grinning happily.

"Maybe later dear do you know if we have any more jasmine extract? I can't seem to find it anywhere." Misus Cake wondered.

"Oh it's on order from Canterlot, we ran out when the Crusaders..." Her words were cut off when a frantic Twilight teleported straight into her room and tossed her the Element of Laughter.

"Quick! Princess Celestia has been kidnapped by an Imposter!" Twillight yelled and then just teleported them both out of the room.

"Oh dear me." Miss Cake blinked, patted Gummy on the head and then left the room.


It was a few minutes later as missus Cake was leafing her cookbooks for looking for a nice jasmine substitute when The Royal Cantelot voice rang across the world.

"HEAR ME NOW," Princess Celestia bellowed with regal anger and command. "I AM CELESTIA THE UNDIMMED, PRINCESS OF THE SOLAR ORB! THE BLOOD OF THIS LAND BURNS BRIGHT IN MY VEINS AND BRAVE PONIES WEEP IN AGONY AT MY GLORY! TENS OF THOUSANDS OF GENERATIONS HAVE CRUMBLED TO DUST IN MY WAKE, AND TENS OF THOUSANDS OF GENERATIONS MORE WILL FOLLOW BEFORE I AM SPENT! ALL THIS POWER IS AT MY COMMAND, AND YET I HAVE BUT ONE THING TO DECLARE TO YOU THIS DAY!"

The sun above flared from yellow to dazzling blue-white and Miss Cake's eyes widened.

"I… DO NOT LIKE… TEA."

It was horrible. Un-Equestrian. She shuddered. She hoped the girls could defeat this... whatever it was.

***

It was two days after the The Great Tea Crisis was resolved. Miss Cake ventured into Pinkie's room again to ask about the order manifest for of five thousand pounds of sugar. Pinkie was excellent in her work but she couldn't fathom why that needed all that sugar..

She made her way to where Pinkie was minding the twins hoping she knew where the sugar went.

The sight that revealed itself before her when she knocked and entered was right out of a Frankenstallion novel. Crystal beakers everywhere, mysterious bubbling liquids and arcs of electricity zapping ominously. In the center of it all stood Pinkie Pie wearing a pink stained lab coat and looming next to the switch of an odd chemo-electric contraption. Dozens of empty sugar bags were strewn across the floor. Guarded by her loyal Alligatoridae assistant, who was also dressed in a lab coat ansamble complete with protective goggles and a little shovel on his back.

Miss Cake wondered for a moment if the tiny white skulls on the aligator's belt were a bit too much. She glanced in worry towards the twin's play pen and then smiled when she saw the familiar glow of Twilight's shield placed over the playpen. She felt silly, of course Pinkie Pie would look after the Twins safety.

And they looked so adorable in with their own little plush gadgets and tiny lab coats covered in candy cane stains. Pumpkin had the cutest pink goggle nestled on top of her forehead and was watching Pinkie with a wide eyed grin while Pound had a large plush wrench which he was hugging happily.

She turned to Pinkie her mouth open to ask about the order when Pinkie pulled her Giant Goggles down onto her face and smiled sinisterly.

"They called me Mad! I'll show them Mad! For the Revolution!" Pinkie threw The Great Switch of Doom and Maniacal laughter rang across the room as lighting struck in the background and the room came alive with zapping electricity and eldritch humming.

'That's odd, there isn't a storm scheduled for a week." Miss Cake walked calmly to the window and looked outside while Pinkie laughed maniacally in the background. 'Hm... Clear skies.'

She turned to Pinkie as the laughter stopped, the humming of the odd contraption ceased and with a ding a single sugar cube popped out of the apparatus.

"And they doubted I could do it!" Pinkie pie Growled villainously and then in a whiplash mood swing she bounced over to Missus Cake.


"Hi Miss Cake! Here to do SCIENCE with me? It's a critical experiment of utmost importance for the continued well-being of Equestria!"

"No thank you I was just wondering what the over-order of sugar was for but I realize it's for your personal use now. You go back to your science." Miss cake smiled.

"No no! Not Science. It's SCIENCE!" Pinkie Pie corrected knowingly striking a heroic pose on her hind hooves, her front hooves stuck in her coat pockets as lighting flashed and thunder sounded in the background.

Miss Cake laughed as she left the room. Truly Pinkie Pie was so delightfully random.

**

That night in Canterlot a shadowy figure in a black form fitting catsuit, and have you ever wondered why it's called a catsuit, I mean cat's don't wear suits unless you dress them in one but then they just get sulky and may even scratch...

The figure stopped and coughed meaningfully at the sky even tho there was nothing there. Right...

The shadowy figure skipped cheerfully across rooftops, over walls and then through the Royal Guard patrolled hallways of Canterlot Castle, skilfully evading said guards. In the dead of night the sinister figure slipped behind the vigilant guards and slid down a length of rope to Celestia's balcony it approached the sleeping princess of the sun and raised a long sharp implement striking hard and fast. A faint hiss of torn fiber and a steady drip drip of dripping liquid could be heard.

***

The solar princess tossed and turned, her dreams tortured by infinite cups of horrible, horrible tea waiting to be drunk. And now her nose was itchy too! A small tear leaked out of the corner of her eye.

Celestia woke herself up by slamming a cream filled hoof on the tip of her nose. "Wha?!"

A giggle in the dark room drew her attention to a shadowed figure dressed in a black catsuit. For a moment a wild notion from forgotten history of assassins rose but even as she flared her horn she realized she knew that giggle.

"Pinkie Pie? What the hey?!" Celestia questioned blearily. Was she being pranked? Should she get mad? Or laugh like a maniac? If she got angry they might think it was unlike her too get angry and put her in anger management therapy. If she laughed they might start a prank season all over Equestria.

"Piiinkieee," Celestia Solaris Ignia, the regent of the sun, the mistress of fire, the ruler of Equestria... Whined like a filly. "Why would you..."

"Shhh. Don't let the guards hear you!" Pinkie shushed her princess with a well placed hoof. "I'm on a top secret mission to save Equestria!"

"What?" The Princess Of The Sun intoned her brains rebelling against being awake in oh-dark-hundred o'clock.

"I have come to aid you comrade." Pinkie Pie explained in a formal tone of voice, reaching into her saddle pouch and placing a small bag on the Princesses night table.

"In this bag there is one hundred and twenty seven cubes of cinnamon, chocolate, peppermint or apple flavored, extra-hydratic, super saturating sugar concentrate." Pinkie pie explained.

The princess stared at her for a long moment.

"Aaaand?" She finally asked.

"And it is guaranteed to absorb and replace the flavour of anything it is added to." Pinkie Pie explained patiently.

"Like say, coffee," She paused "or Tea." Pinkie waggled her eyebrows and pulled out a large sign out from behind her.

The sign said "HINT"

Stunned Princess Celestia felt hope bloom once again in her heart.

"Why would you do this for me?" She asked with a quiver in her voice.

"I am the leader of an organization that stands against oppression everywhere." Pinkie Pie explained seriously shuddering in horror as the thought of a thousand years of terror made her shiver in empathy. "Your sacrifice is a noble thing. But we shall not stand and see sentient beings suffer under an oppressive regime."

Pinkie leaned closer and gave a still stunned Celestia a hug.

"I like tea as much as you do." She whispered and planted a kiss on the tip of the princesses nose and pressed a badge on her hoof.

"Welcome comrade. To the Sugar Revolution." She whispered, grinning before running for the balcony.

"Wait!" Celestia ran after her, the token Pinkie gave her rolling to the floor but as she came to the balcony Pinkie Pie was gone.

A knock sounded on the door.

"Princess? Are you well?" A worried guard called out.

"Yes captain. I dreamed Pinkie Pie stole my cake." Celestia lied flawlessly. "I'm going to sleep again. Good night."

"Sweet dreams princess" The guard called out fondly.

She picked up the token and sat on her bed. Under the faint light of the moon she could still make out the embossed markings on the small badge.

A silvery background with a light baloon embossed. Simple, yet somehow friendly looking. The phrase "dulcedo vos liberabit" surrounds the baloon on the badge.

"Revolution huh?" She smiled. Perhaps it was time for a little revolution. As she drifted off to sleep Princess Celestia plotted. And in her dreams The Pinkie Sugar Corps rampaged across Teaquestria defeating the bittery hordes of leafy doom.

And in her royal chambers, the slumbering form of the Princess... Smiled.

Author's Note:

And then someone made it into a comic:
https://www.deviantart.com/art/Auntie-Pinkie-Knows-All-page-1-513121008

Edited recently because the image expired. I wrote up a new badge in stead.

Comments ( 52 )

Haa! I just finished reading Princess Celestia Hates Tea and found this - hilarious ending. That is so... Pinkie Pie, to the next level. I could so see this - and the original story - being featured as an episode (or two) of the show. Well done.

Grammar problems abound, but not a bad response to Celestia Hates Tea. I could see Pinkie doing something like this.

Lol very funny and very pinkie:pinkiehappy:

Pinkie Pie to the rescue!:pinkiehappy:

Now I can finally stop worrying about the eternal suffering of Celestia! It's a Christmas miracle! :yay:

i didnt get the first story and i dont get this story either:ajbemused: :facehoof:

I could care less for the grammar and shape of the story, I love it! <3

Stay strong, you brave crusader for sweetness! Somepony needs to!

Very nice. :pinkiehappy:

...Never liked tea myself- *crucified*

Almost thought this was a chapter in the same story. Not bayud.

Sugar corpse...Ohhh the unfortunate implications! :pinkiecrazy:

Is it bad that when I pictured Mad Scientist!Pinkie, I also saw Pumpkin and Pound dressed as lab assistants? :pinkiecrazy:

This was a perfect response to "Celestia Hates Tea" :pinkiehappy::trollestia:
But I thought you'd like that gold leaf porcelain tea service? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png

677486

This. This is going into the story right now

EDIT: And done.

Note to self. Give this a polish later.

And that's how Celestia got Type 2 Diabetes! :pinkiehappy:
Maybe next time she'll tell us how Equestria was made! :pinkiehappy:

682796

Well it was specifically designed with alicorn constitution in mind. By Pinkie Pie... :pinkiehappy:

Hurray for Comrade Pinkie! She is a true Communist mare! Just kidding! But I liked the Soviet Russia reference!:pinkiehappy:

And then, on her way back home, Comrade Pinkie went on to stop a meteor from crashing into Equestria, Deliver a baby, went surfing through space, stop by the "Rocket to Insanity" universe where she prevented Rainbow Dash from making a horrible mistake by knocking the cake knife out of her hoof, and helped Twilight kick her coffee addiction. Damn that mare is awesome!

Very nice. I quite like the idea of Pinkie being a covert anti-tea, even if I like tea myself (quite a lot).

Keep writans! :twilightsmile:

SPOILER ALERT!!!


postaponiptia
-So "the land after the ponies"? Also, shouldn't this be capitalized?

-(Cut out a block of spelling and punctuation corrections, here, PMed them to you.)

with a ding a single sugar cube popped out of the apparatus.
-Let me guess, she saw through Celestia's facade and managed to compress all the sugar-rush and sweetness of the entire order (minus loses to scattering it carelessly about the room) into that one cube and is going to prove that ANYTHING can taste good with enough sugar in it?

-(Cut a few more here, they were included in the same PM)

and raised a long sharp implement striking hard and fast
-Cutting open a freshness seal? And this needs a period at the end.

If she got angry they might think it was unlike her too get angry and put her in anger management therapy. If she laughed they might start a prank season all over Equestria.
-Ah yes, the futility of being a slave to public opinion.


"What?" The Princess of the sun
-Sun (probably)


"I have come to aid you comrade." Pinkie pie
-Pie

"And it is guaranteed to absorb and replace the flavour of anything it is added to." Pinkie Pie explained patiently.
-Ah! Absorbing! Even better!

shuddering in horror as the thought of a thousand years of terror made her shiver in empathy.
-The imaginary scene from the start?

She whispered and planted a kiss on the princesses
-Princess's

the token Pinkie gave her rolling tot
-to

And in her dreams The Pinkie Sugar Corpse
-Corps

-So will Pinkie be setting up a regular supply line for when those run out, or can Celestia figure out how to manufacture them herself? Because 127 is a 41 day supply at 3 a day, and it probably won't even last that long if she needs one per cup rather than one per meal. Then again, now that she has some hope, 41 days might be enough for Celestia to plan something that would allow her to change things without causing problems.

687293

Thank you so very much. These things are a mind numbing pain for me to catch.

The only thing I didn't change was:

five thousand pounds of sugar

you suggested removing 'of'. The sentence sounds weird without that. I can't give you a better reason then that. I really should look up English grammar one of these days. (Yes I am writing by feel in a second language and getting most things right. XD)

How would you like a free story of your choice? No promises on length. XD

Also:

Yes Postaponiptia is land after ponies. She was a sugar hunting monster in a grimderp sugarless future...

The first scene is something I like to call a Chechov's daydream. Good catch on the reference.

I have no idea what happens next.

Celestia organizes an underground revolution and topples the government?

687397
Pinkie Pie's Grimderp Stories
...sounds like a great series, if i was anywhere near a competent writer i would do this

687397

The only thing I didn't change was:
five thousand pounds of sugar
-Go back one "of" for the one I was actually suggesting you remove.

How would you like a free story of your choice? No promises on length. XD
-Hmmm.... how are you on writing non-cloppy romance? Preferably but not necessarily romance that is shown to be developing SLOWLY? I write my own stuff, but have a weakness in that area, and could use a co-writer for those aspects of one of my stories. Otherwise, can I take it in pre-reading when I have a need? I am not so much worried about technical details as characterization.

690874

Sounds reasonable either way. I do ok on empathy but lack the perseverance to write long things at a reasonable pace.

I think I needed to read this a couple times before it finally sank in, but this... THIS... this is the perfect chain to Princess Celestia Hates Tea. You have done well my young writer. Very well indeed.

I just hope Skywriter doesn't get too mad. I didn't exactly ask for permission. :raritywink:

I really should one of these days...:twilightsmile:

This is awesome. :pinkiehappy:

Now imagine Celestia sneaking out in a cat suit along with Pinkie and sabotaging tea supplies with massive amounts of sugar or maybe going up against the "Alicorn of Tea" or something as the FINAL BAWS. :pinkiecrazy:

Anyway this is an awesome story and I love it. :rainbowkiss:

1033736

Ack! No sequels! Too many projects! :pinkiecrazy:

Breaking news! The Solar Schorcher Suddenly Strikes Stalliongrad Shipping! Hater of tea, implicated in the recent attempt to deteaify Celestia strikes again. Tons of tea swapped for ginger ale powder. More news at eleven.:pinkiehappy:

1041192
If you wrote it, I would read it harder than the Kenneth Star report.

1113916

Maybe once I'm done with one of my other non-pony stories.

I'm slow to update as it is.

Ah ha! I liked this one. Slight nitpick, in PCHT, the elements were all in Canterlot having just returned from a diplomatic mission or something.

Was the Pinkie Pie here a tie in with Contraptionology?

1485563

TWO weeks for a reply? Daaang. :P

Not a tie in for Contraptionology but if you got a plot bunny write it. XD

Thenitpick... I might have to edit in a mention of that at some point. Thanks!

1582761

Not really, just the idea of concentrating five thousand pounds of sugar into 127 little cubes seems very contraptionological to me. I mean:

The sight that revealed itself before her when she knocked and entered was right out of a Frankenstallion novel. Crystal beakers everywhere, mysterious bubbling liquids and arcs of electricity zapping ominously. In the center of it all stood Pinkie Pie wearing a pink stained lab coat and looming next to the switch of an odd chemo-electric contraption.

So I wondered if it was a deliberate nod to it. (That said, I am dangerously close to accepting contraptionologist Pinkie as headcanon.)

1588760

Oh great. Just what I need before going on a seven month long hiatus. More Plot bunnies. :pinkiesad2:

If she got angry they might think it was unlike her too get angry and put her in anger management therapy. If she laughed they might start a prank season all over Equestria.

I love this. It really shows the trouble Celestia has to deal with as she's become an embodiment of Equestria itself.

And nightmares about hordes of tea? Poor Celly.

I didn't like this story but it took some time for me to notice why. Pinkie was turned into a Mary Sue.

She excels in all that she does, single hoofedly solves everything, everypony likes her and accepts everything she does with a smile.

It's a very short story, so there is not much space for the plot to go back and forth, but I do believe it would have been a much more entertaining tale if Pinkie suffered setbacks during it. Perhaps her machine didn't work the first try; perhaps the Cake babies managed to get out and do some mischief; perhaps Mrs. Cake grilled Pinkie over ordering a huge amount of sugar on the bakery's tab; perhaps a guard caught up with her and she had to flee while invading Canterlot Castle; something to break her perfect streak of, sincerely, boring successes.

3930505

You're welcome to feeling that way.

I felt after al the crude Celestia went through in the original, that this sweetly balanced it out.

This fic needs more views. I mean, we all know that "Princess Celestia hates tea" has gotten a lot of press. And while it might just be the EqD page that I think of, I just can't vision "Rocket to Insanity" without its heartwarming alternate ending.

Come on everypony! There's a comic on deviant art being made right now! Let's bring this thing up!

THE REVOLUTION SHALL NOT BE SQUELCHED!

This reaction is cliche, I know. I don't care:

This sequel was SO!! AWESOOOME!! /):rainbowkiss:(\

The last descendant the sugar tribe

*of

4997540
Technically its a tribute sine i cannot recall if i ever asked/got permission.:scootangel:

4997119 I endorse this and give a hearty approval.:pinkiehappy:

3930505

Valid opinio but remember this is a fluff story. Hell it even has an obligatory blatant fourth wall breakimg moment.

if you look deeper to spot the actual hint of conflict yet if I wrote it this would have never been finished.*

*For a given value of finished. No betas were harmed in making this fictio .

Ahh, I feel better after reading this. I had felt so bad for Celestia in the previous story, but now we have a solution! The previous story gave me a 'for want of a nail, a kingdom destroyed' vibe. If society could collapse due to a single beings preferences in drinks? Well... I'm just a bit irked by that! I liked the story though, Thanks!:pinkiegasp:

Wonderful little follow up that gives Celesta the ending she deserves.

Oh. And I'm so giving my children plush scientific instruments for their baby toys!

5614838


And so it begins.... SCIENCE for every foal, child and larva.

Mwahwhwahwahwahwaa.


Anyways I don't spend a lot of time on fimfiction these days aside from the time it takes to download a story someone recced and then imedeately flush the ram so my tabled toesn't croak. So If I don't reply? It's because it takes a0 seconds or more for apges on fimfiction to load... and thus I avoid this place... till i buy a new computer.

This made me happy :pinkiesmile:

Way to go Pinkie! :pinkiehappy:

Until somepony made "Princess Celestia Hates Tea" into a comic, I totally had mis-remembering this as the actual ending of Skywriter's "Princess Celestia Hates Tea". :twilightsheepish:

I consider this as the "true ending", it's way more uplifting. :twilightsmile:

5772025 Well, its not really an alternate ending, so much as a continuation. Until Skywriter rewrites the fic or something, there's nothing preventing this story from being the aftermath.

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