Pinkie Pie in: Princess Celestia Hates Tea

by JadeCriminal

First published

Sometimes, a mare has to do what a mare has to do. And sometimes... Pinkie Pie!

Sometimes, a mare has to do what a mare has to do. And sometimes... Pinkie Pie!

In direct response to Princess Celestia Hates tea by Skywriter who had the idea that inspired this.


Also made into a comic by a certain talent who is not me:
https://www.deviantart.com/art/Auntie-Pinkie-Knows-All-page-1-513121008

Auntie Pinkie Knows All.

View Online

NOTE: read this first Princness Celestia Hates Tea




In a shadowed room something wicked shifted in the darkness.

"It was a dark and stormy night. The shadows were long and spooky as the light of sunset dimmed in the sugarless regions of Postaponiptia where sugar is scarce and spinach grows freely. The last descendant the sugar tribe, mindless from lack of essential nutrition stalked her scarce prey carefully, slowly. Her loyal companion, The Dreaded Aligatozilla circled, flanking it on the side and flushing it towards her. And when she was within killing distance The Pinkamonster swooped down on the dire gummy bear sticking a dagger into it's flank and sinking her fangs into it's neck."

With those words Pinkie pie jumped down from the couch towards the basketball sized gummy bear and did
just that wildly swinging it around in her teeth shaking it like a rag doll.

With a knock her room doors opened and light flooded into the shady room.

"Pinkie have you seen the..." Misus Cake paused. Pinkie was frozen in the act of shaking her prey one hoof raised with a plastic dagger in it. Miss Cake coughed.

"Playing Pinkamonster Steampunkia again?" She asked.

Pinkie tossed the large gummy bear in the air and swallowed it in a single bite

"Yep! Wanna join? I'm just about to go hunt the licorice spiders." Pinkie offered while grinning happily.

"Maybe later dear do you know if we have any more jasmine extract? I can't seem to find it anywhere." Misus Cake wondered.

"Oh it's on order from Canterlot, we ran out when the Crusaders..." Her words were cut off when a frantic Twilight teleported straight into her room and tossed her the Element of Laughter.

"Quick! Princess Celestia has been kidnapped by an Imposter!" Twillight yelled and then just teleported them both out of the room.

"Oh dear me." Miss Cake blinked, patted Gummy on the head and then left the room.


It was a few minutes later as missus Cake was leafing her cookbooks for looking for a nice jasmine substitute when The Royal Cantelot voice rang across the world.

"HEAR ME NOW," Princess Celestia bellowed with regal anger and command. "I AM CELESTIA THE UNDIMMED, PRINCESS OF THE SOLAR ORB! THE BLOOD OF THIS LAND BURNS BRIGHT IN MY VEINS AND BRAVE PONIES WEEP IN AGONY AT MY GLORY! TENS OF THOUSANDS OF GENERATIONS HAVE CRUMBLED TO DUST IN MY WAKE, AND TENS OF THOUSANDS OF GENERATIONS MORE WILL FOLLOW BEFORE I AM SPENT! ALL THIS POWER IS AT MY COMMAND, AND YET I HAVE BUT ONE THING TO DECLARE TO YOU THIS DAY!"

The sun above flared from yellow to dazzling blue-white and Miss Cake's eyes widened.

"I… DO NOT LIKE… TEA."

It was horrible. Un-Equestrian. She shuddered. She hoped the girls could defeat this... whatever it was.

***

It was two days after the The Great Tea Crisis was resolved. Miss Cake ventured into Pinkie's room again to ask about the order manifest for of five thousand pounds of sugar. Pinkie was excellent in her work but she couldn't fathom why that needed all that sugar..

She made her way to where Pinkie was minding the twins hoping she knew where the sugar went.

The sight that revealed itself before her when she knocked and entered was right out of a Frankenstallion novel. Crystal beakers everywhere, mysterious bubbling liquids and arcs of electricity zapping ominously. In the center of it all stood Pinkie Pie wearing a pink stained lab coat and looming next to the switch of an odd chemo-electric contraption. Dozens of empty sugar bags were strewn across the floor. Guarded by her loyal Alligatoridae assistant, who was also dressed in a lab coat ansamble complete with protective goggles and a little shovel on his back.

Miss Cake wondered for a moment if the tiny white skulls on the aligator's belt were a bit too much. She glanced in worry towards the twin's play pen and then smiled when she saw the familiar glow of Twilight's shield placed over the playpen. She felt silly, of course Pinkie Pie would look after the Twins safety.

And they looked so adorable in with their own little plush gadgets and tiny lab coats covered in candy cane stains. Pumpkin had the cutest pink goggle nestled on top of her forehead and was watching Pinkie with a wide eyed grin while Pound had a large plush wrench which he was hugging happily.

She turned to Pinkie her mouth open to ask about the order when Pinkie pulled her Giant Goggles down onto her face and smiled sinisterly.

"They called me Mad! I'll show them Mad! For the Revolution!" Pinkie threw The Great Switch of Doom and Maniacal laughter rang across the room as lighting struck in the background and the room came alive with zapping electricity and eldritch humming.

'That's odd, there isn't a storm scheduled for a week." Miss Cake walked calmly to the window and looked outside while Pinkie laughed maniacally in the background. 'Hm... Clear skies.'

She turned to Pinkie as the laughter stopped, the humming of the odd contraption ceased and with a ding a single sugar cube popped out of the apparatus.

"And they doubted I could do it!" Pinkie pie Growled villainously and then in a whiplash mood swing she bounced over to Missus Cake.


"Hi Miss Cake! Here to do SCIENCE with me? It's a critical experiment of utmost importance for the continued well-being of Equestria!"

"No thank you I was just wondering what the over-order of sugar was for but I realize it's for your personal use now. You go back to your science." Miss cake smiled.

"No no! Not Science. It's SCIENCE!" Pinkie Pie corrected knowingly striking a heroic pose on her hind hooves, her front hooves stuck in her coat pockets as lighting flashed and thunder sounded in the background.

Miss Cake laughed as she left the room. Truly Pinkie Pie was so delightfully random.

**

That night in Canterlot a shadowy figure in a black form fitting catsuit, and have you ever wondered why it's called a catsuit, I mean cat's don't wear suits unless you dress them in one but then they just get sulky and may even scratch...

The figure stopped and coughed meaningfully at the sky even tho there was nothing there. Right...

The shadowy figure skipped cheerfully across rooftops, over walls and then through the Royal Guard patrolled hallways of Canterlot Castle, skilfully evading said guards. In the dead of night the sinister figure slipped behind the vigilant guards and slid down a length of rope to Celestia's balcony it approached the sleeping princess of the sun and raised a long sharp implement striking hard and fast. A faint hiss of torn fiber and a steady drip drip of dripping liquid could be heard.

***

The solar princess tossed and turned, her dreams tortured by infinite cups of horrible, horrible tea waiting to be drunk. And now her nose was itchy too! A small tear leaked out of the corner of her eye.

Celestia woke herself up by slamming a cream filled hoof on the tip of her nose. "Wha?!"

A giggle in the dark room drew her attention to a shadowed figure dressed in a black catsuit. For a moment a wild notion from forgotten history of assassins rose but even as she flared her horn she realized she knew that giggle.

"Pinkie Pie? What the hey?!" Celestia questioned blearily. Was she being pranked? Should she get mad? Or laugh like a maniac? If she got angry they might think it was unlike her too get angry and put her in anger management therapy. If she laughed they might start a prank season all over Equestria.

"Piiinkieee," Celestia Solaris Ignia, the regent of the sun, the mistress of fire, the ruler of Equestria... Whined like a filly. "Why would you..."

"Shhh. Don't let the guards hear you!" Pinkie shushed her princess with a well placed hoof. "I'm on a top secret mission to save Equestria!"

"What?" The Princess Of The Sun intoned her brains rebelling against being awake in oh-dark-hundred o'clock.

"I have come to aid you comrade." Pinkie Pie explained in a formal tone of voice, reaching into her saddle pouch and placing a small bag on the Princesses night table.

"In this bag there is one hundred and twenty seven cubes of cinnamon, chocolate, peppermint or apple flavored, extra-hydratic, super saturating sugar concentrate." Pinkie pie explained.

The princess stared at her for a long moment.

"Aaaand?" She finally asked.

"And it is guaranteed to absorb and replace the flavour of anything it is added to." Pinkie Pie explained patiently.

"Like say, coffee," She paused "or Tea." Pinkie waggled her eyebrows and pulled out a large sign out from behind her.

The sign said "HINT"

Stunned Princess Celestia felt hope bloom once again in her heart.

"Why would you do this for me?" She asked with a quiver in her voice.

"I am the leader of an organization that stands against oppression everywhere." Pinkie Pie explained seriously shuddering in horror as the thought of a thousand years of terror made her shiver in empathy. "Your sacrifice is a noble thing. But we shall not stand and see sentient beings suffer under an oppressive regime."

Pinkie leaned closer and gave a still stunned Celestia a hug.

"I like tea as much as you do." She whispered and planted a kiss on the tip of the princesses nose and pressed a badge on her hoof.

"Welcome comrade. To the Sugar Revolution." She whispered, grinning before running for the balcony.

"Wait!" Celestia ran after her, the token Pinkie gave her rolling to the floor but as she came to the balcony Pinkie Pie was gone.

A knock sounded on the door.

"Princess? Are you well?" A worried guard called out.

"Yes captain. I dreamed Pinkie Pie stole my cake." Celestia lied flawlessly. "I'm going to sleep again. Good night."

"Sweet dreams princess" The guard called out fondly.

She picked up the token and sat on her bed. Under the faint light of the moon she could still make out the embossed markings on the small badge.

A silvery background with a light baloon embossed. Simple, yet somehow friendly looking. The phrase "dulcedo vos liberabit" surrounds the baloon on the badge.

"Revolution huh?" She smiled. Perhaps it was time for a little revolution. As she drifted off to sleep Princess Celestia plotted. And in her dreams The Pinkie Sugar Corps rampaged across Teaquestria defeating the bittery hordes of leafy doom.

And in her royal chambers, the slumbering form of the Princess... Smiled.