Twilight Sparkle, otherwise known as the 'Grand Regent of Biting Off More Than You Can Chew' is in over head again; except, this time, it is not the queen of nightmares, a god of chaos, or a power consuming centaur that is her problem. Hiding relationships, as it turns out, can be even more stressful than battling the principalities of evil - especially when one is trying to hide the relationships from two immortal alicorns who happen to be sisters.
Rated T for mild suggestive humor.
Chapters (1)
I'll have to finish this one tomorrow. There are some great scenes here, and the occasional brilliant line. They're marred a little by errors a good proofreader / editor (or spellchecker!) would catch. In successive paragraphs:
Terik = Tirek
telkinetically = telekinetically
Celectia = Celestia
Also, consider adding this to a number of appropriate Groups to get it more exposure and readership. I'll add it to a few myself once I've had a good read-through with it. A few suggestions to start you off:
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/67/twiluna
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/198439/twilights-maremharem
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/158/organized-shipping-most-common
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/293/ff-ships
6499838
Thanks for reading. I've mopped up the errors you mentioned and I agree: I need someone to help proofread. Those little things are the sort of thing which consistently crop up in my writing, and it gets a little frustrating because I can't ever catch them by myself.
Anyway, glad you liked it, and thanks for suggesting adding it to groups. I had not even thought of that before you mentioned it.
Pretty nice to drop a 20+K fic for your first posting. I'll tear into it a little later.
6499991
Well, it is my first posting on FIM fiction, not my absolute first posting. I've written a fanfiction for another series (Guardians of Ga' Hoole), and am currently writing a longer MLP fanfic. Everything combined between all my works, I had written about 350,000+ words before I started this one, so I have a bit of experience.
Hope you enjoy reading it once you finally dig in.
6500065 this was interesting, can't really get behind the whole strict idea of marriage being only stallion and mares in a world that seems to be 90% mares. 80% of the population would be left out in the cold.
Would like to see a follow up where they actually get everything sorted out and fixed.
Maybe even Celestia and Luna setting Cadence straight on one issue.
6501231
Well, the way I see it, just because you don't see the stallions, it doesn't mean they don't exist. It's like how in so many other shows/stories, the cast is exclusively male and you only see males as background characters, but since the shows are supposedly set in our world (or an equivalent), you understand that the women population to be comparable in size to real life.
I am tempted to write about the after effects, but the narrative stands alone pretty well as a one-shot and I don't want to risk bloating the story (as I so easily could do).
6503380 you could do it as an epilogue to this one.
6503409
Maybe I will ;)
6503434
6503409
6503434
Or a sequel. That would work too.
A bit of a mouthful to read, but I did it! And I loved it.
Didn't actually like the take on Cadence being some sort of super-strict catholic-esque entity, but the rest of it was definitely one of my favourite "3am, cannot sleep, must read Pone." stories to date.
I really want to read this as I love the concept, but I can't read it because you keep changing tense! Also you need to use the past perfect sometimes...
I admit I totally expected this to be the sisters having found out a while ago and they were just hard core trolling Twilight.
That died about the time Mother Cadence came in with her ruler and Celestia and Luna debated the pros and cons of different types of sexual encounters*
Here's hoping the three can just get along! (probably not)
* (viz: pranks)
There were parts of this where I nearly injured myself laughing. Far and away the best was when Twilight teleported Celestia away and then decided to roll with the prank since she had already sealed her fate.
But it all clashes so weirdly with the Puritanical Cadance. That scene was a low point, made worse for how thoroughly it defies what we would expect from the Princess of Love. Is she just not getting any action? Is that it?
But from a structural perspective, we have an even bigger issue in the lack of closure following the les(bian) majesté à trois. You spent a lot of words in multiple scenes to establish Twilight's sincerity and guilt, and the stress it causes her. The stress makes it unsurprising that she'd make the situation worse -- that's classic Twilight Sparkle, right there -- but it doesn't exonerate the story from concluding it's own major narrative arc.
What we end up with is the feeling of a romcom drama that was cancelled in its infancy, so I like the story for the potential it represents more than what it ended up being.
EDIT: I now see there's a sequel. I also see it labelled "Tragedy". This bodes ill, but nevertheless...
That... still counts as 'mild'? Huh.
I have to agree with other statements that Cadence seems... dunno. Stuck-up? It's the least likeable portrayal of her character I've read to this very day.
The ending seems strange, too. She's got another five to ten minutes until Celestia an Luna wake up. What good will that letter do her? Even if it will be there fast enough - which it won't -, and even if Cadance could use that long-range teleportation spell - which she can't -, she wouldn't be able to stand a chance against those two. So it's completely pointless.
As for the whole premise of the story... well... hm. You can't tell me Spike never had anything to say about anything of this. You can't tell me Rarity never figured things out. Heck, if she's endangering Equestria with this, I even expect Discord to step in! And you can't tell me Twilight never freaked out about this before. Her coping mechanism of erasing her memory clearly states otherwise. Her friends would've noticed. Heck, with running around and crushing maids - the public would've noticed by now.
This whole story only seems to work because suddenly all of her friends miraculously disappear, you force it on this way and along it, ignoring all obstacles that would've come up eventually.
Someone already pointed out that you're switching tense a lot.
And, on top of that, this could really use a warning for incest.
The more I think about it, the less I like it. And I didn't even like it to begin with. So... yeah, I think I'll take my leave now.
I'm sorry.
Almost stopped reading right here.
Anti-homosexual sentiment is dumb bullshit in our world, it's extra special completely fucking stupid dumb bullshit in a world where love is a literal, tangible, force of nature.
This fic started out strong, but I was surprised I was able to force my way through by the end. The shifts of tone throughout nearly gave me whiplash. Then, in the end we get a punch-line that isn't funny, and nothing is resolved...
There were also quite a few technical problems, misspellings, accidentally leaving in articles, using the wrong word entirely, a few odd bits of formatting...
I think there was a good premise at the start of this, but then it just got lost in trying to make the comedy parts seem funnier by adding some crappy maudlin stuff for contrast.
Going back to the start of my comment, I really can't express how much I hate how you wrote Cadance. There's nothing wrong with saving yourself for marriage, but having the Alicorn of Love say that that's the "correct" way to do physical intimacy is utterly asinine, and damn near character assassinating, in my opinion. As far as I'm concerned, this version of Cadance has no business telling others about love or relationships because her ideas are stupid and outdated by real world standards, much less in a world of sunshine and rainbows.
7123950
Did you actually read the rest of the fic or just skimmed it? In the context of the story and what has been happening and said so far its "you shoudnt be with another mare since you already have one" because Cadence is talking about Twilight getting together with Celestia when she was already in a relationship with Luna not the "eww gay" you went with.
EDIT: Ok lol see its a old old comment, damn me and my not looking. xD
space between "each" and "other"
I haven't been able to read much, but this seems like such an amazing story. I'll get onto reading more later.
holy moly a 22K word one shot...
Not to mention an undiagnosed case of Aspergers and probably a couple of other mental/neurological disorders, Twilight, but I digress.
8035500
Honestly i read it that same way the other person did, its not a very clear sentence tbh. Honestly seemed really anti gay to me in a lot of places, but i can see your point.
8955956
True , but assigning such a controversial opinion to someone who doesnt really seem to be a native english speaker when it isnt 100% clear isnt the best of ways to go.
But it could be that they are right. I just prefer to give the benefit of the doubt. But i think the sequel makes it clear that its anti-gay when i read it. Dont remember clearly anymore though.
8956095
Yeah just read it myself (im not partial to this story much so at first i wasnt going to but the comments intrigued me) and its not in your face aggressive anti gay, just heres a flier for the rally, and dont forget to hang up this propaganda on the walls as you go by, thanks! anti gay. Thats probably a bad way to put it but its 3:23am so i think i have some slack there lol
I really did not like the way they wrote Cadance. What's with this weird shitty keep your purity before marriage bullshit stance. And I really think she could have come up with a better solution then just end it with both of them.