Somewhere in the USA. Probably older than you. And something about MLP:FIM makes me want to write stories. Unfortunately, being gainfully employed cuts into my writing time.
Human in Equestria16,976 stories ·16,820 members
Dark8,311 stories ·3,763 members
Slice of Life8,152 stories ·1,460 members
Stories on Goodreads28,599 stories ·492 members
Thundercloud, a troublemaking colt, gets a new start in Ponyville. But a chance encounter with a book of old mythology starts him on the path to obsession. Will he ever find his place in his new home?
Written using the More Most Dangerous Game prompt.
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I'm trying something that I've never done with this story. I wrote a complete multichapter story, and will release it on a set schedule until every chapter is published.
While that means reader comments won't influence the story, I do encourage your speculation as to where the story is heading, given the tags and prompt.
6432436
Is this using the cupcakes prompt?
6432692 Anthropology.
Well, this is intriguing. I'm not sure where you plan on going with this, but it looks like it'll be a fun ride.
well I don't think a human will actually appear in the equestria, given what is seen so far. But that may change knowing the colt to be a troublemaker and the dark tag at the top. all in all a good chapter that is very interesting.
As soon as he mentioned 'penmanship' I knew this had Anthropology as its prompt. I love that story so I'm looking forward to this.
I like where this is going, I like that the main character is a foal rather than an adult Lyra, makes for a nice little take on it.
Okay, about two years later...
Ah. Noticing the discrepancies between the form of the tools and the form of the users while still having the child's ability to notice that which adults take for granted. Thundercloud is slowly building his understanding. It should be interesting to see what conclusion he reaches.
So, slow... I feel like the chapter and winter wrap up was totally uncalled for.
Sorry, b0ss!!!!!!!
I get the feeling that "Tomorrow is a fresh chance to be a better pony" is going to be a refrain in Thundercloud's life.
...
Was that Dark tag always there?
6456861
Yes. So given the prompt and the tags Dark, Slice of Life, Human, speculate what's going to happen in the end.
6456861 Not to mention that it's giving me flashes of that FNAF4 "Tomorrow is another day" deal. Just wait for the one screw-up, most likely unintentional, to which nobody says that line. Then you know things are going down.
I think this is a promising story. Thunderclouds seems to be a rambunctious colt with all the pranks he likes to cause and that is different from the usually more quiet foal characters we see in stories. I like his curiosity about the links between humans ant the tools that ponies uses. I don't know how this story is going to evolve, but i am sure that it will be good.
harshest, punishment, ever.
good chapter little short but still good. I like Thunderclouds little antics, and that he is still struggling in no giving in to temptation of steeling, it really feel that he is a kid and not just nice cardboard cutout . I wander if Thunderclouds was ones a human with his seeming hallucination with handed handles. What's up with that?
I'm looking forward to the next chapter
Something about this line feels off. It's starting to give me the hebbie jebbies. It's like a conditioning thing.
Did they just invent pony quidditch?
6470338 Perhaps someday! But this was not an attempt to create Quidditch, or Calvinball, or anything like that. Just kids getting together and having fun with anything at hand.
Thundercloud: There's that word again!
I'm feeling a little better here. Thundercloud didn't just apologize this time, he also did the right thing instead, working towards his goal in a socially acceptable way. Good for him.
Also, I love the image of that barely organized chaos of a game. Nice bit there.
6471132 But will the lesson stick?
6470008 Definiately. It has been spoken way to often by too many different characters to be mere coincidence. It's almost as if they are trying to hammer home the 'pony' bit,
Call it a hunch, but I think that in the next chapter, somebody's gonna say, "Tomorrow's a fresh chance to be a better pony."
this world is out to make this colt a proper pony and punish him for being a kid
6480468 Just wait until the chapter where he doesn't hear it!
I'm speculating that I might kill myself if I hear that damn saying anymore. This is more like a psychological horror, I'm slowly losing my sanity as it is repeated over and over and over. Also I don't know if it's just me but I'm starting to like Thundercloud less and less. He doesn't really seem to be learning his lesson at all and initially he was just doing boyish things like dipping someone's tail in ink because he thought they were stuck up, but now he's stealing and throwing animals around from a height.
Don't get me wrong though, I still like the story, I just want a little more progression.
6480706 What you describe is progression, though, shall we say, a darker one.
I'm glad readers are finding that phrase creepy.
i think this is turning into something much worse than i thought it would be. i think i can see where this is going. and it scares me.
6480847 Speculation is encouraged! (Or send me a private message if you'd like to guess but keep your guess secret.)
6480973 well it could easily go into how they stole everything from humanity in some sort of slow takeover which ultimately killed off humanity, but i don't think thats it. No it's something just as terrifying and I'm not sure what, so I'm gonna keep reading to find out.
Hmm. A persistent case of species dysphoria... and cultural dysphoria. Thundercloud's expectations aren't just based on a human body, but also, to an extent, on a human society. And that talent for electricity may lead him in very interesting directions if properly applied.
I'm still not sure what you're leading up to, but it's clear you're going somewhere. And as you noted in an earlier comment, one only gets so many chances to be a better pony...
6480468 I'm waiting for someone to accidentally say "... a better person"
6480973 i don't know exactly what's gonna happen, but the feeling of dread remains and it's the feeling of unnaturalness that scares me.
To be honest, if I see a pony saying that phrase again I'm going to lose it. Part of me now thinks that Pony is a simulation and they're trying to make him behave and keep repeating that statement to him over and over again to try and make him behave. And when he realizes that pony is fake he'll wake up and be in the human world and find out he was some criminal being experimented on.....Anyways.
6484956 That would certainly fit in a story with the Dark tag.
As for that evil phrase, the majority of its uses are done.
That 'better pony' line is very... interesting.
The idea of RD heading what amounts to a prank brigade on Nightmare Night is a cool one. It does fit with her.
Hmm. Constructing the rhyme, or remembering it? Either way, that's certainly an interesting way to phrase his thoughts.
As for that ending, I don't know if the overcharge was intentional. I certainly hope it was, but given the possible motive... Thundercloud seems a disaster waiting to happen. And there's only one member of the Mane Six left to recite the mantra of the story. After that...
6494845 Now I want to write a story about Rainbow Dash's Nightmare Night Shadowbolt brigade!
6494859 You certainly hope it was intentional? Wouldn't that lead to
next chapter?
6496076
Er, wasn't. Sorry, must've crossed a wire when rephrasing sentences.
Man, this kid's turning out to have all the hallmarks of a sociopath isn't he? Now to see what is the final straw...
Man, my 'legal philosophy' sense is tingling. I can only wonder how the meeting to institute this program went. I kinda wonder if going for a shitty life would have a different outcome...
in the end of it all, while the theory is sound, the practice of what they are seeking to fix isnt. You arent fixing the neurochemistry, just letting it go down the same old path its familiar with. until you can interrupt that, its a doomed effort.
I like it, it felt like it had a matrix vibe, but the computer simulation part wasn't expected. good job at the twist in the end. A criminal recreation program, nice touch.