• Member Since 18th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 25th, 2019

IceColt


T
Source

When the Summer Sun Celebration is held in Ponyville again, Twilight is determined to do better than last time. Yet the visiting of an old teacher of hers makes things uncomfortable for Twilight and when Trixie comes back to Ponyville, she lacks the patience to deal with her problems.

Twilight will have to worry about far more than Trixie's return, though. Powerful beings are conspiring against Luna and an ancient evil is freed from imprisonment. All the while, dark secrets from Celestia's past loom over it all - and the name Astrodeo.

A huge thank you to Scrimshaw, and Auramane for proofreading and helping me edit this story.

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 41 )

Boom! First to comment! Now to read the story...

EDIT: I love it! Tracked.

664214
That spot was for me!
IceColt, you also forgot to add me for helping.
...
...
:trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:
What? I did!

665525 I helped him too, but you don't see me demanding a note now do you?
And yes, I stoled first post. Bwahahahahaha!

665559
Well, he PROMISED!
You don't break a promise like that. :fluttercry:

Well, That was good. There were no grammatical errors of any kind, so that was okay as well. Story wise, I wanna know what happens next, since I'm always up for a good revolution or two in the favour of the people before lunch. Now then, I spotted two places where you could slightly improve on the continuity of the story line.
1.) His mane had been clearly given no attention whatsoever as it curled uncombed across his entire head and the gray strands of age were clearly visible in his otherwise blonde mane CAN BE His mane had been clearly given no attention whatsoever as it curled uncombed across his entire head. The gray strands of age were clearly visible in his otherwise blonde mane

2.) His face on the other hand was neatly shaved, except for a goat beard growing upon his chin, also blonde and finely lanced with grey hair as well. Just remove the "well" at the end, and that should cut it

I tracked and liked. am waiting for more! :pinkiehappy:

²DJ GarV the Expert: I do mention you at the end of the first chapter and credit is properly given.
Also, if anyone else helped me and I forgot to mention them, feel free to call me out on that as I have a horrible memory.

665568 I'm sure he/she still loves you.

668544
Just noticed that as I finished reading the chapter.
668587
It's a boy. I think.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go with that one.

Interesting story, looking forward to more.

This is great! Love the plot, the themes and the tone. Looking forward to more! :yay:

The cover art reminds me of the underground hallow from Terraria. :derpytongue2:

“Do you mean this hat?” Once more, Trixie’s head turned at a velocity not quite wholesome for her neck and once more, a nasty snap was heard from Trixie’s cervix

I don't think cervix was the right word there... :pinkiesick:

2766151
What he said.
Snapping sounds form the cervical vertebrae are usually bad. Very bad. :unsuresweetie:
Snapping sounds from the cervix... No, just no.:twilightoops:

2766317

Hmm, the more I think about the more you two are right. Using anatomic words to describe the region of where the sound came from does give it a somewhat nasty feeling ...

How about changing 'cervix' to 'nape' and turning the adjective into 'unpleasant'?

2766457

I agree that the technical anatomical terms do give a rather disquieting feeling, but the main problem is the particular term you used. While the word "cervix" does derive from the Latin word for "neck", It has nothing to do with the actual neck. To put it bluntly, the cervix connects the uterus to the vagina. It should not make snapping sounds. Ever.


The other problem with this passage is the wordiness. You use many large words that don't quite fit the meaning you want, in a long passage that doesn't convey very much meaning. You can say just as much in half the space.

Once more, Trixie’s head turned at a velocity not quite wholesome for her neck and once more, a nasty snap was heard from Trixie’s cervix

The above can be shortened to the below, without any loss of content, and a significant increase of readability.

Once more, Trixie's neck whipped around, popping unpleasantly in the process.

Although my example is far from perfect, it is headed in the right direction.

2766566

Huh, I wasn't actually aware of that. Seems like my internet dictionary tricked me into a rather embarrassing misconception.
I also understand what you mean by wordiness. I'll see what I can do to shorten it without breaking the flow.

Thanks for your help! It's always nice to get feedback from someone who's a bit more adept with the english language, although it is somewhat late to lean on help for the already uploaded chapters...

2766680
Better to edit late than never.
Find yourself a pre-reader/editor. There are groups for that.
Also, you need a better dictionary.

665607>>2766680
Take a look at what this guy says. He's got the beginnings of the right idea, but doesn't go nearly far enough.
Remember Strunk and White. "Omit needless words." Those two sentences are full of words that carry no meaning. All they do is take up space and strain the eyes of the reader.

All the meaning of the quoted sentences can be retained with half as many words. Here is a quick rewrite:

His long blonde mane was shot through with traces of grey, betraying the onset of age. It's disheveled state was contrasted by his cleanly shaven cheeks and neatly trimmed goatee.

As you write, constantly ask yourself, "How can I make this shorter? How can I make this simpler?"

Forceful she brought her hoof down on the ground

1. Forcefully.

enabling him to breath freely

1. Breathe.

2773956

Thanks for your tips and be at ease, knowing that right now I'm working with someone who's actually proficient of the english language (namely good, old Scrimshaw, who you can find just a few comments below you) to fix all the little and big mistakes in the already posted chapters.

2775170 No problemo, just posting whatever I see though because things slip through sometimes.

Unlike Capstone. childish

1. Extra full stop.

Interesting, you wish to keep the gender of our little 'guest' a secret eh? For some reason this intruiges me more than Celestia's Usurper status. Or does it?:rainbowwild:

2985074

Ah, thanks for pointing that out. It shall be corrected with extreme prejudice!

Ouh, curse you for toying with my curiosity as to what catches your attention more! Yet I suppose turnabout is fair play. I keep dangling the carrot from a rather long stick myself. No worries, though! There will soon be more answers. :twilightsmile:
Or was it questions? I always confuse those... :trollestia:

It were her chambers, just as they had been
You are protectors and shepherds, not enforcer

1. Was.
2. Enforcers.

A great story so far.

You depictions of the Mane 6 are spot on to their core set values, with Rainbow's hot-headed nature, Rarity's charm, Twilight's apprehension, Pinkie's antics, Applejack's humility, and Fluttershy's...well...shyness. You really made stone quill sound so intimidating, I had to reread his parts over a second time without having to come close to hating the guy as he shove others to get his way.

Your apt use of descriptions and vocabulary makes for a great hook as the fic progresses. There are some minor errors, but only grammatically. Some words are redundant, but that all depends on the context of a particular sentence or scene in while lengthy detail is appropriate. Though it's apparent you had fun writing such scenes.
So a plus for diction.

There are a few instances where the dialogue tends to get lost. When you put dialogue sandwiched between paragraphs, it might work better if you start a new line when a new character or significant pause comes up, then the story could flow more smoothly.

I do feel the fic's pacing is a bit slow at times, but that's a minor complaint as well. With so much effort put into detail, from describing what a character feels, thinks, and some backstory, the plot seems to fluctuate with consistency. I might be a hypocrite for saying that because I do it myself, but that's something the both of us could work on. I'm not saying detail is bad either, just use it at your own risk.


Overall, it's a great story, brilliant even. It is very well written with nicely done descriptions of character and their interactions. It is one of the most underrated stories of this site that deserves to shine and be read by more people than it already has.

Keep it up.

:twilightsmile:

Okay, review time. I know I kinda gave you a review-ish thing in the Skype conversation we were having, but I wanted to share my thoughts with the great readers of fimfic (I also want to apply for the royal guard, so this can't hurt :trollestia:). Well, here we go.

Starting with the plot:
It is an intriguing story. It's stories like this that kind of make me want a [mystery] tag or something similar. There isn't really much adventure in this (although you do hint at elements of this in the ninth chapter) but it is most definitely not slice of life nor any of the other tags.
The story contains a good mystery, in that it never reveals too much and seems to always bring something new whenever we find out about something previously hidden. There are questions left hanging left and right, waiting to be resolved. This is especially true of the OC, stone quill who I will return to later.

Pacing:
I think that the pacing is fine. It's fairly slow, which may put some people off but I prefer slower paced stories, so this worked out fine for me. You keep the pace very sedate by sectioning off each piece of the plot and giving it its own moment or chapter. This can work, however it can be confusing when you have a long period of time between updates. This is because you may have a chapter where character "A" does something. Next chapter, Character "B" does something. Next chapter, Character "C" does something. Then there's a 3 month break between chapters and we're back to character "A" and I don't know what's going on anymore. This may be thanks to my atrocious memory, but it's still a problem.

Characters
Okay, your characterisations of the mane 6 are great. I particularly like Twilight, as I feel like you don't make her into a complete nervous wreck like may writers do, but at least keep her functioning, if a little... jumpy and irritable to put it mildly. Now, onto Stone Quill. I feel like Stone Quill is a but of a mixed bag. On one hand, you told me you wanted to write a crotchety old man and you did very well in that, and he is very intriguing, but you also told me that you wanted him to be likeable, and well... he isn't. Not remotely. So far, He has done nothing throughout the whole story but make me hate him. I don't want him gone, but he does interest me. He had better do something good soon, or I really am just going to hate him.

Style:
You have an interesting style, my friend. You put lots of emphasis on description, which is a change of pace from most of what I read, but definitely not unwelcome. As others have said though, you are occasionally too wordy with some run-on sentences and things like that. Some of the world-building also feels a little forced, but it's nothing big. I also feel like your meshing of the two contrasting scenes in chapter nine was very well done and I hope to see more of this kind of stuff.

Well, there's my opinion. I really like this story and think it is extremely under-viewed and under-appreciated. I hope by some miracle your popularity grows. Looking forward to what comes next :twilightsmile:.

Hmmm... *sees 'ancient evil awakening' and 'dark secrets from Celestia's past'...*

OH GOD NOT ANOTHER ONE!! :fluttershbad:

Why do they all use the exact same phrasing?! :raritydespair:

3923395 Yeah, whatever. Now, is the story actually any good?

>>>The Sun, The Moon, and The Tyranny - The Failings of our Self Righteous Ruler.>>>

Nope. :ajbemused:

to watch over you at all time
Fluttershy had something other draw her interest

1. Times.
2. Err, never heard a phrase like this before. The only one I've heard of is Had something else.

3923395

3923868

Aw, sorry to hear that. Oh well, can't win them all.
Would you mind telling me what put you off though? Knowning a different opinion can never hurt.

3924549 From just the description and the first 2000 words, I saw all 3 cliches of fanfiction in general that I detest, especially when they are so bluntly stated.

1. Dark evil from past rising suddenly.

2. Dark secrets of a 'good guy' character.

3. Good leader is/is accused of being a tyrant.

Subtlty is a good thing, especially when utilizing the most common cliches in all of fanfiction. Leave something to the imagination, or at least word the description to be more compelling to those who are already very well-read and have seen these sorts of 'dark' reworkings hundreds, if not thousands, of times before in every fan base.

3925817
Hm, I see what you mean. Of course subtlety is a thing useful in every tale and missing in several parts of my own storytelling, but I do like to think that at least I didn't beat my readers over the head with certain things.

As for the three cliches, it's true that I am using them, but I am not using them in the usual way. Or at least I like to think so.
For example, the dark secrets Celestia holds are not supposed to turn her into an evil or darker character. I try to still portray her as the loving mother we got to know her, but who also has a life that may have been not always so peaceful as it is now. I take the liberty to point to Chapter 9 of my story as an example of what I mean.

About Celestia being accused of a tyrant - well, aren't there always those sorts of people around? There's always the dissatisfied one and think he or she knows it better. Someone may be accused, but that does not have to mean the accusations are right.
And, just between us, doesn't the title sound a bit too flashy for someone who is going to field purely logical arguments?

I can say nothing against the dark evil cliche though, I am guilty of that. But it is definitely not an evil that is evil for the sake of it. I can definitely promise you that there will be no demon lords suddenly breaking through the crust of the earth the next chapter.

Well, that's about all I can really say. You're definitely right about the description though, and I'll try to improve it. First impressions count the most, after all.

Who is this guy?! I mean, to get these kinds of reactions...:rainbowhuh:

I get the feeling the stallion is somehow near immortal or was in suspended animation with Nightmare Moon. Also that they first, second or both times he thought Celestia should have killed her.

So Stoney wonders how Twilight United the bearers?

When he initially said Celestia would regret this I thought him a secret villain, and more so when Shiny(Luna?) wanted him observed,but later dismissed it as too obvious given his behavior. Now I'm uncertain again.

6429819

Who knows~? Don't worry though, I am working on making a whole lot more sense in the next few chapters. After 13 chapters, I do owe some answers...

Stone Quill must be one hell of a guy to get those type of reactions.

That was awsomest.
Very awesomest. Tis getting interesting to say the lleas.:trixieshiftleft:

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