• Member Since 20th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Rytex


Hey, you know that really good author who has quality stories that everyone loves? I'm not that guy, he's over there. I'm that mediocre guy that's lucky to have as many followers as I do. Thanks!!!

Sequels1



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Now with an audio drama produced by truesailorcomet!

Princess Luna takes on a Night Apprentice, her counterpart to Princess Celestia's Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle. Nova Shine, a wandering unicorn from Canterlot, is given the position for the first time in a thousand years. What neither of them know is that there exists a long and secret history between the positions of the Faithful Student, the Night Apprentice, and a mysterious shadow that seems to keep popping up in Nova's and Twilight's dreams. This shadow, whatever it is, and the dreams it appears in do not bode well, but the Princesses remain tight-lipped about these nightmares.

Nova and Twilight agree to investigate the nightmares themselves, and this mission occupies them for some time. But as they continue their search, their relationship starts to develop into something more than just fellow students. While Twilight welcomes them with open arms, Nova unsuccessfully attempts to keep these feelings down. As if to make matters any more chaotic, Trixie Lulamoon arrives on Twilight's doorstep announcing that she, too, has been dealing with nightmare problems.

Finally, there's also the shadow itself. An ancient and dangerous enemy, it has lain dormant for the last thousand or so years. Why it chooses to reveal itself now is anyone's best guess, but unless Twilight and Nova can stop it, there's no telling what will happen to Equestria...

EDIT: 25 November 2013: Featured! Holy crap! (under the old Featured system, at least)
EDIT 2: Currently going through a rewrite of the earlier chapters. There's some serious disparity between the qualities of Chapters 2-12 and Chapters 18-22.

Chapters (23)
Comments ( 159 )

sorry but....you did nothing wrong. this was one of the best chapters so far.

Okay, that's annoying. Recently got a sneak peek at the book that's supposed to come out this summer. Cadance was a pegasus before she became a princess. Well, that means I had to do some retconning.

Oh well, that's the price one pays for writing fanfictions while the show is in progress, I suppose.

this was heart warming:fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry:

Thx for the comment.
Anyway keep up the good work on the story. Cant wait to see what happens next.

Comment posted by CaspianSK deleted Mar 22nd, 2013

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Truly well handled apology and acceptance. It was a joy to read.

great chapter:pinkiehappy: more than worthy of a moustache :moustache::moustache:

I want envy gone and forgotten already.

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May I ask why?

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A pity that at least sixteen ponies think otherwise.

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Yes, well they obviously have something wrong with them.

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That or my writing isn't perfect. I'm learning, and I'm improving. However, I can say that they don't have the patience to look past early mistakes and make it to the end (?) and judge then.

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Granted there where mistakes early on, but they became less frequent as the story drew on. Some people just won't let the greatness of the story itself wash over them.

And thus A sequel was demanded.

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And thus, a sequel was (sort of) announced.

See, I don't know how long I will keep writing this as a series. I'm nearing the end of this particular story, and I have several plans on things I could do later on, which have been compiled into a... pentalogy. But, there could always come that point in time where I decide to move on to bigger, better projects, and so every single one of these stories, including this one, will be written as if to end the set (like a certain Season 3 finale).

pew finaly got around to reading this chapter:twilightblush: and i must say, it was a joy to read:pinkiehappy: i can barely wait till the next one!:heart::heart::heart:

how did you do it? a 9/13 on my feels response meter
nopony has ever gotten above a 6 before

You did an awesome job of painting every scene in vivid detail, all the characters are beliverble and the overall theme is just gorgeous:pinkiehappy:great job i cant wait till the next one!

2633001

Well, I can't agree. I mean, there's a good reason why I have 18 dislikes and only 500-something views, and it sure ain't because all those people are trolls. I just have room to improve, and I'm working on it. To me, it just seems like each new chapter is getting weaker and weaker, and I'm trying to improve them. That and I have a guy from my school going back, pointing out little mistakes here and there, etc.

2633207 well sure theres always room for improvement, afterall perfection is a thing of myth. however i dont think each chapter is geting weaker, its just a big change from the setting of the majority of the story, and maybe you just need too adjust to that. i still find this story so interesting i hate too finish a chapter because then i have to wait for another:pinkiehappy: also if you feel the recent chapters have been weak, take a break and figure things out:twilightsmile: il'l still be here when you come back.

This story is definitely one of the most interesting ones I've read so far I want to read more! Bring on the update! Seriously though, great work.

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Thanks, mate. It's nice to know that I'm entertaining somepony, which was the entire point of me writing the story in the first place. I'm working on Chappie 16 as we speak, and it'll probably be out sooner than the last few were, but it's still gonna be a bit of a wait. I'm pushing 10k on all these chapters, and the way it's looking Chappie 17's gonna be pushing 20k for reason's you'll find out next chapter.

Well, thanks for the favorite, thanks for the comment.

Comment posted by Rytex deleted Jul 5th, 2013

I checked this story yesterday, shortly after posting the latest chapter, and there were 43 likes and 19 dislikes. Now, there are 47 likes and only 18 dislikes. I've changed somepony's mind. My first thought is:

"Thank-you for giving it another look. I know it's by no means great, but it's nice to know that I've been able to entertain someone past their first impression."

Keep up the great work!
I can't wait to read more, it's getting very interesting now! :pinkiehappy:

I know I haven't caught up with the story fully, but having sat down and read through to this point (The Diary) in one sitting, I feel compelled to comment regardless, before I hit the sack and much of my jumbled thoughts are lost during sleep.

Let me start off by saying that I am most glad I picked this fic up when feeling in the mood for a Twilight's romance story - it being of decent length certainly helped to catch my eye, as I generally find the longer stories to be the more captivating ones - more time to immerse oneself in the universe, more time for the author to indulge in world-building and flesh out their characters, more time to develop the plot - which all adds up to a greater reading experience, generally. So I thank you for making this a lengthy story and sticking with it - it's most appreciated.

You have also done a pretty good job with your OC - often I see authors introduce nigh-perfect characters (personality and intelligence wise) who also happen to be stupidly powerful, which is nothing short of aggravating. Nova is, however, a quite good one. His personality has plenty of flaws and shortcomings, along with good qualities, to make him well rounded. The fact he isn't a magical powerhouse is a good thing as well - often enough I see people forgetting that canonically Twilight is the strongest unicorn ever (Celestia said as much in the show) and introduce characters that suddenly do things leaving even her gawking. Nova is, once again, well presented in this regard - he is strong and talented enough (well, duh - one would have to be to be worthy of being Luna's student), but he doesn't outshine Twilight.

Close enough to make a good companion to her, but doesn't step on her toes and she is still the more experienced and practiced caster. I was immensely happy when he lost the duel with Twilight - as it should be, me thinks. You showcased his own craftiness well, along with his ability to think a step ahead - a good showing against Twi to demonstrate why he is worthy of his position. But in the end Twi was two steps ahead and her magical expertise prevailed - as you would expect from the strongest unicorn that has been trained by the millenia-old Princess herself for a good half of her life. Props for not making Nova pull out a win somehow - it would not have felt appropriate given the circumstances, and I am glad you did not fall in that OC trap.

Though I did feel that Twilight freezing up in the face of Envy was unwarranted; this isn't really new for her, and she didn't react like that even on her first adventure against Nightmare Moon. Now, after having stood against Nightmare and Sombra, evil shadowy creatures would be like ... well, not exactly tueasday for her, but closer to being routine encounters than any other dark and evil thing she has faced against. Swirly shadowy masses aren't new to her, and between Nightmare and Discord, she has stared down things that Envy is kinda small fry when compared to. I realize you wanted to give a moment for Nova to shine, as well as use it later for the relationship building, but it could have worked just as well with him jumping in to protect Twi at some point where she could have been fighting Envy and getting outmaneuvered, instead of having her react in a way that wasn't quite warranted based on her past showings.

The plot itself is also intriguing enough to keep me hooked, especially now that Nova's past has been revealed. I am looking towards caching up with the rest of the chapters and finding out what really went down in the past and why he ended up jumping back and forth. The implications of the impending Twilicorn and ... Novacorn(?) are most interesting as well - I have always been a fan of ascendancy fics and how the characters handle the situation afterwards (I don't think it ever gets old), so I'm looking towards that part as well.

The romance aspect is also being handled pretty well, and when I was afraid at start I was in for an endless beating around the bush (Nova's "I honestly don't know how I feel about you" was ... not the most compelling or interesting way to stall the relationship), but you alleviated that fear quickly enough and things got moving forward. Though I do believe we could really use a chapter or two more akin to the date one (minus the ending ... I will get to that later) - where we get to observe Twi and Nova in their natural habitat doing normal things (or engaging in shenanigans, as the case might be) when something doesn't hang in the balance.

As it stands, we don't actually know much about them as a couple - basically all the exposition centers around the plot, when serious things are going down, and thus nearly all the exposition to the two is happening when something hangs in the balance or there is a drama needing to be solved. I feel the two would benefit greatly from a few "slice of life" scenes/chapters, to showcase us their relationship better, when the mood and character motivations aren't guided by the latest crisis to manage, a mystery to be solved, a heartache to be addressed or and errand from the princesses to be run. Just ... a little bit of them being themselves so we actually get a better feel for the duo.

On that note, I must say I'm slightly disappointed that during the last night before Nova's venture in the past the two didn't take the chance to take their relationship a step further. The mood seemed supremely right and the occasion significant enough to make it the perfect night for them to share together. And to be needled and poked fun at by two voyeur Princesses the next morning after, heh. Ah well, I'm sure there will be time for that (and the fun-poking by the spying Luna/Celestia) later.

There are some things about the story that I do think of as flaws though, and I hope you don't mind if I go a bit in to those as well (If some of my complaints are addressed in the chapters I have yet to read, feel free to ignore me for the bumbling fool that I am).

First of: canter. I see you using this word a lot, nearly all the time in fact when you describe characters moving around, and I believe you might have a slight misunderstanding as to what it means. For a horse, canter is what running is to a human - which is to say, nearly flooring the pedal. For a horse/pony, their respective gaits are: Walk (pretty much what it says on the tin) -> Trot (think walking at a brisk pace or slow jogging) ->canter (breaking out in a run) -> gallop (sprinting, more or less). Ponies in the show walk or trot most of the time; they canter (or gallop) when charging some enemy or another (Twi and Nightmare rushing each other, the gang charging down the diamond dog mine tunnels, etc) or running away from something. When you say your ponnies canter nearly all the time, it gives the impression of them dashing this way and that at a break-neck pace. It might be a good idea to keep an eye on this in the future :P

Secondly, I notice that you occasionally (though thankfully, rarely) like to end sentences with additions like "You know what I mean". Please don't do that ... ever. Unless you are writing 4th-wall breaking comedy. This immediately messes up the tense and derails the narration, as if the narrator suddenly stopped commenting on the story and raised his head to stare reader straight in the eye while detaching from the in-story flow of events, which immediately kicks immersion in the curb. It also adds an odd feeling to the event, as if the writer didn't really care about the scene and didn't want to do a proper write-up, cutting it off with what amounts to a shrug. You have obviously put far too off effort in to this story for that to be the case, so it might be a good idea to drop this practice - it only hurts the whole and shouldn't ever appear in serious narrative.

Speaking of serious narrative, it might also be a good idea to refrain from using real-world references here and there, those also break immersion and come off as somewhat lazy inserts (video game names, fictional character names, the like). "Ponified" versions are obviously fine, as the show already features those and you have plenty of those as well, but literally keeping stuff like Zelda game mentions or Lord Voldemort without putting a pony-spin on the names kinda hurts the authenticity of the setting/story/narrative, and they aren't really very funny or amusing.

Those gripes aside, if there is one thing that I can't help but feel as somewhat shaky, is the main plot involving Envy itself. Ever since her reveal, I am having a hard time not asking certain questions. Questions like ...

Why was the prison-vial left to rot in the Old Castle, instead of being tucked under Celestia's bed, where she could have kept watch on it and reinforced seals daily, if need be?
Why didn't Celestia simply chug the vial in to the sun?
Why didn't Celestia simply bring the vial to the Mane 6 and have them zap it with the Elements? (And what in Tartarus posessed them to zap Envy in the first place when she was but a normal, if derailed, pony? Why not simple dungeon or execution, why use Elements on a mere mortal?). Could have been done at any given time and prevented the problem before it started.

Better yet, if Envy is always stalking the Faithful Student and Night Apprentice specifically (And it was said she aims at those bearing the titles, not the ponies as the identificator) ... why hasn't Celestia abolished the silly titles half a millennium ago? It's not like the pony studying under her has to be called the Faithful Student, or the equivalent for Luna. Change the title of the position, or better yet remove it altogether for good measure - voila, Envy can rot in her jar for all eternity without anything to rouse her presence because there are no more Faithful Students and Night Apprentices. Ever. Seems like a no-brainer solution and completely effortless to implement.

Seeing they have been dealing with Envy before, why do they even need the diaries at this point - surely by now they know all there is to know about dealing with it, as they have observed the situation who knows how many times now. And why aren't the diaries stuffed under Celestia's bed anyway, right where that jar should have been, if they are vital assets to the defense of the realm, instead of being stuffed in some underground chamber in Canterlot's underground surrounded by criminals, ancient family ties or no? That's kinda irresponsible of Celestia, especially as the family has stooped so low as to become criminals.

*takes a deep breath*

My biggest disappointment though (and the only thing I'd call a real disappointment, all of the above are more like minor quips) would be the date chapter, or more precisely - the very end of it and the drama that came from it. I'm sorry to say, but this was probably the low-point of the fic and the whole ordeal simply ... bad and incredibly cliched.

I almost wanted to head-desk when Twilight walking in on Envy pinning Nova and kissing him against a wall was presented as a serious setup for drama. Seriously, Twilight saw that and assumed that Nova ran away from her in the middle of the date just when things were taking a turn for the potentially saucy just to slip in to an alleyway to make out with some mare? And then proceeds to pummel Nova while the later begs for a chance to explain (while not saying the ONE word that would instantly explain the situation ("Envy")? ANd why didn't Envy tear his throat out if it had him pinned and helpless anyway? It's out to kill them after all.

I'm sorry to say, but this whole sequence of events and the following chapter were almost physically painful to read. I couldn't take it seriously, and it was a prime example of forced drama, just because the plot demanded a roadbump in Twi's and Nova's relationship at that point so he would have a reason to drink himself silly and reconcile with his father as result. Please don't do something like this again, this was a rather juvenile attempt at relationship drama while featuring one of the oldest cliches in the book, (walking in on the other person in a compromising position and blowing it out of proportion) while the situation was anything but right for it for the trope to be employed in a convincing manner.

Whew, I think that's that for now. I hope the less positive parts of my post didn't upset you, and if so I apologize - it was not my intent and I by no means consider your story bad - I sure as heck wouldn't have read as much in one sitting as I have, if I did. It has a lot of charm and an interesting storyline, just that it has some rough spots that make it overall rough around the edges, and I feel it could be so much more if some of those could be addressed or avoided. I know I'm certainly looking towards catching up with the remaining chapter, and then gleefully proceeding to the wait for new ones to be released.

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JK. As a matter of fact, I didn't think the chapter was sad enough to make anyone shed any liquid pride. I said before, I'm not too good with emotional stuffs. I guess I have to reevalutate that opinion.

Origionally I dropped this because Hay OC then after picking it up again I realize it's not so bad.:twilightsmile: Meh I'll continue reading it.

2966725

I rewrote the first chapter since I got to about Chapter 5. It keeps the same general timeline, so to speak, but rather than go off on a needless spiel about annual reports, I introduced how different Nova was compared to other ponies. I'm going to great lengths to ensure he doesn't go Black-and-Red-Alicorn-Sue.

But he still :heart: :twilightsmile: so, you know, minus fifty points from Twaifus.

2966748I'm ok with mary sues, I just Dislike characters with Character Faults that you see commonly. I prefer the more subtle faults that are found amongst the characters, major character flaws could be argued as their strongest character points making them mary sues like rainbow dash if he ever had the strength to back up her brashness, would we really want to have her as our princess?:twilightoops:.

2966878

So, considering he does have a somewhat common major character flaw (issues with his family), and considering I am looking for all forms of criticism, both good and bad (because you really can't improve a story if all you're getting is "OMG luv it!"), what can I do to make it better? I'm trying to get a full-on editor (but the recommended group is down for renovations for now. They did send an invite saying that it's about to reopen though) to help me with the "show, don't tell" problems I have, as well as finding ways to expand those one-sentence-paragraphs, but what else is there?

2968237 What is the main flaw you can think of for your OC?

and what are his pluses, Excluding his charm which is too powerful to a fault, I mean Summer the main villain was created by his faults.:twilightsmile:

2970226

After taking a few days to explore my perception of him, and write some stuff down, here's what I have so far to respond with.

1) His main flaw, to start with, is his relationship with his parents, and how that affects his relationship with others. Even after part A gets fixed, part B still impacts him. Later on, if I make it as far as I have planned, well, I have quite a few things I plan on bringing out.
2) His charm. Well, I agree and disagree with it being too powerful to a fault. If it were too powerful, wouldn't he be friends with everypony? Or at least not have a "mutual annoyances" relationship with Rarity, one of his marefriend's best friends? As for yes, too powerful to the point of fault, he did kind of charm a mare and then unintentionally spurn her, turning her into the one trying to kill them, so, yeah.

2989960 Okay so relationship issues... Alright I think I get it now, as for socially awkward that is a pretty common fault. Any issues with different types of magic?

besides he can't be a sue unless he overpowers Twilight in both Intelligence and power(by over powering I mean dwarfs, and is socially perfect 'but that's a minor thing'.).

so he's fine by my book... For now, if he overpowered an archmage and was extremely young, then It would be signs of a mary sue OC.

2990314

Well, it's in his blood to be rather prodigious with magic. His whole family line is one magical prodigy after another, so that's part of it. Also, he was educated by a magical master in her own right. He was selected when he was still less-than-average, and he worked his way up. He only really started getting powerful when he and Twilight started to grow on each other, for reasons i'll go into much later.

Speaking of, he'll NEVER dwarf Twilight by intelligence. Not even close. I do have him becoming more powerful than her in magical ability (when he gets back from a couple of extra years of training in the past), but that won't last very long because, well, Twilicorn and... other things.

He's not socially awkward, per se. I mean, prior to him really forgiving his family, he liked to keep his issues to himself, so he perfected the art of Stepford Snarking. He still snarks and is very sarcastic now, after mending the relationship that caused it, but that's just because that's how he is. He gets along fine with most ponies, but he often makes those poor first impressions on ponies like Rarity or Steelshod that impact at least the outset of their relationship.

2990363 Snarking is okay, and a really relate able social quirk. as for him being more powerful temporarily with more Experience he better be. Anyway he is doing fine as is. I don't really see any problems with him.

Wow...I thought Chrysalis was cute in her own way before, but I agree, is it possible to die of cuteness overload?

Why the hell does Zecora have the Alicorn Amulet?

I lost sleep just to read this chapter....WORTH IT!!!

Cant wait for next chapter....and this one was worth it!!!!!

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