Finding Ones Worth
Finding Ones Worth
Chartres had shut her eyes and given herself up to Faust when the cliff had given out under her. She had prayed desperately for her death to be quick. That she would go to the Golden Plains quickly and not meet the reaper.
So imagine her shock when she felt something wrapping a leg around her. Opening her eyes, she saw Barbican, one hoof wrapped around her, his wings flapping furiously. A feeling of relief briefly filled Chartres’s heart, until she realized why he was there.
"Why did you go after me? You’ll die!” screamed Chartres. Barbican didn’t turn to face Chartres, but wove through the storm of rock like a trained weatherpony.
“No pony is going to die on my watch!” said Barbican. With a twist of his powerful wings, the pegasus spun right, narrowly missing a massive granite block.
It was then that they them saw Spire. The earth pony was in free fall screaming like a newborn colt, his hooves waving uselessly in the air. Barbican responded by angling his wings and diving towards Spire. Within moments he was at his side, but the barrier of flailing hooves stopped the pegasus from coming closer.
“Stay still you madpony!” said Barbican with a growl. Spire’s eyes unlocked and his limbs froze in surprise, allowing Barbican to slide above him and grab him with his other hoof. The trio were still falling very quickly though, and through final rays of the setting sun, they could see the ground beneath. In response, Barbican spread his wings and winced as several feathers were torn from them. The difference was noticeable and their descent slowed rapidly.
“Your wings! Stop Barbican! You can’t take both of us!” said Spire. Barbican grunted, his eyes narrowed in focus. More feathers were separating from Barbican’s wings and the appendages themselves were being pushed by the screaming pressure of the air. Chartres knew the pegasus couldn’t take it any longer and closed her eyes.
“Drop me! I’m just a burden!” screamed Chartres. Spire turned to her, disbelief written across his face. To Barbican though, the command only seemed to invigorate him further.
“NEVER!” roared Barbican and despite everything his instincts were screaming at him not to do, the pegasus pulled up. The drag was immense and the g-forces that Barbican pulled were sending the blood to his hooves, but he persevered. His wings were on fire, but Barbican knew he had suffered worse than this. With a roar of triumph, and two gasps of disbelief from his passengers, Barbican pulled into a level flight and began to hover.
“I did it,” said Barbican as he began to wearily flap down towards the nearby ground. The pegasus hadn’t felt such intense satisfaction and pride in ages and a wide smile broke upon his face. Chartres nodded in disbelief, Spire was about to follow suit, but instead roared:
“LOOK OUT!”
A final boulder, last in the pack, a little smaller than the head of an average stallion, had been dislodged at the last moment. It tumbled down, bouncing off the side of the mountain like a wooden ball across turf. It landed a glancing blow on Barbican’s right wing with an ear-numbing, WHUMF.
Barbican’s jubilant smile crashed into a howl of agony. Reflexively, his right wing snapped to his side and as a result, they fell.
The avalanche had finally ended. It had seemed like an eternity, but it really had only been over a minute. With a groan, Celestia lowered her shield and sat down, hard. Still trembling, Vaultaire looked to her friend, who all of a sudden, seemed to reflect her proper age.
White Tower stood on the edge of the path, her dark blue eyes staring at the column of dust that had been raised below.
“Barbican?” whispered White Tower. “Barbican, get your lazy flank up here or I’ll...” White Tower shook her head in denial, despite the tears forming in her dust-free eyes.
“BARBICAN!” screamed White Tower. The mare took a step into thin air, but an aquamarine magic aura snatched her hindmost leg and dragged her away, kicking and screaming as she was.
“White Tower, stay back!” ordered Golden Triangle, but despite his composure, his voice cracked and tears trickled down his face. Magic blazing, Golden Triangle poured more energy into the spell as White Tower flailed madly toward the edge.
“I’m not losing him! I can’t lose him!” White Tower then found her legs pinned to her sides by Golden Triangle’s magic, but she continued to crawl like a worm. “I’m the Hero of Stalliongrad!” Golden Triangle dragged her back, but White Tower tried to roll instead. “I blinded a dragon for the love of Faust! LET ME GO!” Golden Triangle didn’t oblige and averted his blurry-eyed gaze from White Tower’s grief-stricken glare. Cursing her friend in language more fit for a pirate, White Tower began to repeatedly slam her head against the ground. “I’m supposed to protect everypony!” she sobbed.
Sa’id, gloomy for once in his life, his smile upturned, trotted to the edge of the cliff. Vaultaire moved to stop him from getting closer, but the earth pony cocked his head and blinked.
“They’re alive,” said Sa’id.
“Stop talking nonsense. He’s dead,” said Vaultaire dismissively.
“No, they’re alive! I’m sure of it!” said Sa’id insistently. Vaultaire groaned, glad that Sa’id wasn’t going to throw himself off the cliff, but annoyed that he was still in denial. With a flap of her wings, Vaultaire flew back to Celestia.
The princess had finally stood up, but her head was still hanging low. The alicorn looked older than ever and while her coat was still pristine white, it was as if a dark shadow had fallen over her. Her pink mane was flowing slowly, like running tears, and no longer shimmered.
Vaultaire hated to ask her friend this, but right now, Celestia was the only one who could possibly hold the remainder of their group together. So, with a heavy heart, Vaultaire put a comforting hoof to the alicorn’s face.
“Celestia, what do we do now?” asked Vaultaire, quietly.
The alicorn’s sorrowful magenta eyes met Vaultaire’s green ones. “Let us leave. This mountain has brought us nothing but grief,” said Celestia. The other ponies nodded and at a slow, mournful trot, the defeated ponies retreated down the mountain.
One pony though, Sa’id, returned to the edge for a moment. His brown eyes scanned the nearly indistinguishable pile of rock below him for a moment.
“They have to be alive. OUCH!” said Sa’id. A pebble bounced off his head and the desert pony glared at the mountain. Then, he blinked and looked at his tail mystifyingly.
“At least my tail stopped twitching. Wonder why it was doing that in the first place?” mumbled the desert pony as he continued after his companions, mournfully looking back to the ledge.
Byzas groaned. He hurt all over. The stallion opened his eyes and saw that it was getting late. The sun was almost about to set.
“Wait... I’m alive!” gasped Byzas. Raising himself up, Byzas took a good look at his surroundings. They seemed to have landed where the rocks from the slide had fallen. A lot of dust had been kicked up, but the earth pony could make out a white figure in the distance.
“Barbican? Chartres?” called Byzas. The stallion picked his way carefully over the rocks, making his way to the figure. When he did manage to do so, Byzas was astonished.
Barbican was not dead. His wing looked horribly bruised, ruffled and patches of his wings were featherless. In short, he was a wreck, but he was alive, though unconscious. As Byzas was about to approach him though, he saw a flickering blue light in the dust.
“Who is that?” demanded Byzas as he stood protectively between whatever the light was and Barbican.
“Spire? Is that you?” gasped a familiar female voice. Byzas’s eyes widened as a dusty, but otherwise unharmed Chartres trotted into view, her horn lit.
“Thank-Faust-you’re-alright! Barbican’s-hurt-and-needs-medical-attention-immediately. The-others-probably-think-we’re dead, so-we’re-going-to-have-to-find-shelter ourselves,” said Byzas. Chartres blinked uncomprehendingly at Spire.
“Sorry Spire, can you please say it again?” asked Chartres. Byzas groaned and repeated his statement, slowly. With a nod and a few words, Chartres lifted Barbican onto Byzas’s back with her magic and the three set off. Byzas leading the front and Chartres behind, watching in case Barbican slipped off the earth pony. For a long while, the two trotted through the dust cloud kicked up by the avalanche.
“If we can’t see, we’ll never find shelter!” complained Byzas. Somepony above must have heard the former baron’s wish, for the wind suddenly picked up and the cloud began to disperse. Chartres breathed a sigh of relief, while Byzas did a tap dance with his front hooves.
“Thank You Faust... oh horseapples,” gasped Byzas as a raindrop hit his cheek. The eyes of the two ponies widened and the hairs on their necks stood up as they noticed the growing storm clouds. The wind was wooshing and whistling around the mountain, picking at the ponies’ tails and Chartres’s mane, short as it was. Without a word, the two quickly sped up their search, trotting as fast as possible, less concerned about where they were going as for looking for shelter. Night had already fallen when the rain began to come down in force. They’d finally run out of the area of the rock avalanche and were at least on grass. However, the two ponies could barely see anything now. The barrage of falling water and the lightless night made looking for anything impossible.
“Why is nothing going right today?” voiced Byzas, only to get a mouthful of water in response.
“Wait, Spire over there!” said Chartres, pointing with her hoof. The two squinted with their eyes and to their joy, they noticed a small cave. Gleefully, the pair carefully carried their burden to it and to their relief, found the shelter uninhabited. Before they entered into the cave, Chartres scavenged some firewood from some nearby trees. It was a good thing she did, for the storm was now in full force. Gale force winds were battering themselves against the immovable mountain. Rain came down in floods and waves, cascading through the sky and onto solid rock.
Seeing that Chartres had some wood, Byzas dug a fire pit, stuck the wood in and placed some rocks in a ring.
“How are we going to light the fire?” asked Chartres. For a moment, Byzas stared at her uncomprehendingly.
“Can you use your magic?” asked Byzas. Chartres’s head dipped for a moment and she winced.
“Oh, you’re right, sorry for being stupid,” sighed Chartres. The unicorn concentrated and her horn glowed, but Byzas lifted a hoof to stop her.
“Chartres, why-did-you... I-mean. Why did you call yourself stupid?” asked Byzas, a frown on his face. Chartres chuckled, but it was a half-hearted, forced and weak.
“Spire, don’t worry I’m just silly sometimes, now let’s get the fire lit.” With that, Chartres pushed Byzas’s hoof down and a blue flame sparked on the wood. Soon there was a small fire. The two put Barbican as close as possible to it and then knelt down to examine him.
“His wing is fine, but the muscle is badly bruised. He won’t be able to fly for a while,” said Chartres, carefully smoothing out Barbican’s remaining feathers.
“How-did-you... Sorry. How did you know?” asked Byzas, a curious expression on her face.
“Well... the wing itself seems to have retained its shape and I don’t hear any chafing of the muscle against the bone. There is some internal bleeding, but nothing too serious and it’s all concentrated at the impact point,” explained Chartres, gesturing to the spot on Barbican’s wing.
“Basically you were intelligent enough to deduce his condition,” said Byzas, turning to face Chartres. Byzas’s normally relaxed purple eyes had taken a sharp, serious glint.
When Byzas had been talking to White Tower, he had lied. His actual cutie mark of a paintbrush and ruler meant that he was more than just skilled at art. The ruler in the stallion’s cutie mark actually represented his ability to capture the measurements of any object or pony. For an arch, he could see if it was well made or if it was well proportioned. For a pony, every flick of the ear, every hesitant word, every trembling hoof, Byzas could measure it and interpret what it meant. There was no way Byzas couldn’t read minds, his measuring talent only allowed him to make and interpret physical measurements. All the same, it was an incredibly useful talent, giving him an edge over all portrait artists and why Princess Luna had picked him out of all the others.
As Chartres hesitated under Byzas’s intense glare, the stallion had already completed his measurements. For the first time ever, Byzas looked at Chartres. The stallion ignored the alluring shades of her wet blue mane, her soft white fur and the eyelashes framing her teal eyes. And, he saw.
“Well... yes,” said Chartres finally. Spire’s brow furrowed even more.
“Then Chartres, why do you have such a low opinion of yourself?” asked Spire. Chartres felt her lower lip trembled imperceptibly, but flinched as she noticed Spire’s dagger like eyes lock in onto the movement and then back onto her.
“I don’t...”
“You do. Don’t deny it. I’m the idiot for not noticing it sooner,” said Spire, wiping his face with a hoof.
“Spire... don’t say that...” stammered Chartres, trotting forward.
“Then stop calling yourself one!” insisted Spire, his tone harsher than she had ever heard him. Chartres felt something within her clench in pain. Wincing, the unicorn averted her gaze.
“Spire you’re tired, I think you need some sleep,” suggested Chartres, hoping to calm Spire down. In fact, the suggestion only seemed to incense the other pony more.
“I’m not tired. I’m more alert than ever before and talking slowly for once. Chartres, if you keep thinking yourself useless, you will hurt other ponies...” Chartres’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and she moved. Before Spire could react, she swung her hoof and struck the stallion across the face.
“Shut up! I’m not hurting anypony!” screamed Chartres. Anger, something she hadn’t felt in ages coursed through her veins. Spire looked shocked for a moment, then his eyes hardened.
“You are! You could have said something in the first meeting, letting Golden Triangle and Vaultaire battle it out-”
“I didn’t hear you say anything either!” interrupted Chartres vehemently. Spire nodded to concede the point.
“So I didn’t, but as the subject of the argument, I probably would have made the situation worse. You, a neutral party could have made it better.” Chartres’s ears shot straight up as she noticed the logic behind Spire’s reasoning. “Then, when all your instincts told you that the swamp was dangerous, you say nothing, until we were in the middle of the thing!” Chartres felt her stomach plummet into what seemed like an abyss. She felt her teeth tighten and her eyes wet, while a choking sensation wrapped itself around her throat. “Finally, because you thought that you would somehow be a burden if you asked for a break, you let yourself get exhausted when you could have asked for one, allowing yourself to drift to the edge, forcing Barbican and I to jump after you and look where that’s got us now!”
“SHUT UP!” wailed Chartres. Her mane and tail momentarily combusted into torch-like blue flames and her horn flashed as she wished for Spire to be sent away. Anywhere, anyhow, as long as it was away. Spire was picked up in a magic field and in a flash and fizzle, he vanished. Now alone, Chartres turned to the wall of the cave and stared at it, while her tears flooded down her cheeks like the rain outside.
“He’s wrong! He’s wrong! I’m not hurting anypony!” sobbed Chartres. The unicorn had never felt so broken, shattered. The last time... she had felt so low, was when he had left her on that street. A slow, cautious trot interrupted her contemplations, followed by a weary voice.
“Sometime, not too long ago, you were prideful, maybe even vain. You hide it well, but you bear yourself with hard-won dignity and your eyes are ever so lidded, showing you used to stare down on other ponies. You were looked to for advice. I remember when you were checking Barbican, your eyes were alert, not dull and subdued, and the prognosis was delivered with confidence.” Chartres was frozen to the spot, unmoving as rock, while Spire paused and took a deep breath. “I don’t know exactly what happened, but it was probably involved a stallion and it was a horrible betrayal of trust. Your confidence in all your abilities was shaken to the core and you resolved never to let anypony get close. Your timidity is a shield to prevent anypony, especially stallions from getting close or asking questions. You try to hide your face behind your mane, slash it haphazardly short and leave it unruly, because you didn’t want anypony wanting to pursue you.” Chartres shook her head fiercely, but it was a hopeless gesture that nopony would believe. “But the worst thing that bastard did - whoever he was - was that he made you feel guilty. You’re afraid that you let him down. You think his betrayal was your fault. You think that if you said one thing different, did one thing different, he wouldn’t have left you.” The unicorn silently mouthed ‘no’ again and again, but less desperately now. “That’s the true reason, isn’t it? If you didn’t say the right thing to him, how can you say the right thing to calm Vaultaire and Golden Triangle. If your instincts failed you so badly, how could you trust them? Maybe your complaints pushed him away. How did you know your pleas for a break would do the same then?” Chartres stared at Spire, eyes wet, mouth open. Heart filled with inexplicable horror and a twinge of denial.
And yet, she felt as if a burden had been lifted off her chest.
“How did you...”
“I’m a good observer. As an artist, I’m good at picking out details.” Chartres raised an eyebrow, just for a moment, before she lay down on the cold ground. It didn’t really matter how Spire had known, because everything he had said was true.
“And I’m a stupid, idiotic, selfish pony,” croaked Chartres. A warm hoof appeared on Chartre’s shoulder and she looked up to see Spire smiling comfortingly.
“Don’t say that. You were smart enough to get firewood before the storm started. Your reasoning and observations with Barbican were accurate, to my knowledge. You know how to teleport. You are the kindest pony I have ever known. And, if Her Highness chose you, then she must have seen you have talent,” said Spire. Chartres was tempted to smile, but she turned away.
“But that doesn’t excuse my mistakes!” moaned Chartres, guilt lingering in her heart.
“You were badly hurt and you can’t blame yourself for him betraying you.” The hard glint returned to Spire’s eyes as he pursed his lips. “Lay all the blame on him because he deserves it.” Chartres blinked, surprised at Spire’s vehemence and at the same time, flattered by his support. Still, Chartres shook her head, she wouldn’t blame him, but now she knew not to blame herself as well.
“No. I’m better than that,” said the unicorn. Standing up, Chartres looked Spire in the eye. He had been harsh, but she knew that the stallion was right. She had lived far too long in the fear of that moment. Chartres didn’t know if she could ever forget what he had done. However, she knew now she couldn’t let that dictate her life and for the first time in a long time, Chartres smiled.
“Thanks Spire,” said Chartres and she nuzzled the stallion’s cheek, not noticing the furious blush that appeared on it.
“Um-urgh-scuse-me-it-was-a-eh-hem-pleasure!” squeaked the stallion.
Barbican stirred as he heard shouting and then talking from two ponies, yanking him out of his deep sleep. His right wing ached, a dull throbbing pain that wouldn’t go away. At least he felt quite warm.
“Where am I?” groaned Barbican, opening his eyes.
“Barbican!” said Byzas, Chartres not far behind him. Both of them were smiling joyfully at the stallion’s consciousness.
“Thank Faust you’re alive. What happened?” asked Barbican, his eyes examined his surroundings. They seemed to be in a cave and had a fire going. But what was that pitter-patter in the distance?
“You were hit by a stone before you were able to land and fainted. We managed to move you to this cave, before the storm set on,” explained Chartres. Barbican’s ears trembled suddenly and he felt a sense of panic within him.
“Did you say storm?” As if to punctuate his statement, there was a flash of lightning and an ear-splitting thunder-crack that caused the trio’s hearts to beat ever so faster.
“Where are Her Highness and the others?” asked Barbican apprehensively. Byzas turned to Chartres, who wore the exact same expression of bemusement.
“We’re not sure,” admitted Byzas. Barbican scrambled to his aching hooves and before Byzas and Chartres could stop him, racing for the entrance of the cave. Immediately, Chartres cast a spell and Barbican’s hooves felt as if Ten Ton Horseshoes had been attached to them. (1)
“Barbican, you’re badly hurt and not thinking straight. Her Majesty might have teleported everypony off the mountain. Besides, I’m not allowing anypony in your condition out there,” said Chartres firmly. Barbican futilely tried to move his hooves, but all he could manage was to drag them across the ground, only to find his path blocked by Spire.
“Barbican, you don’t even know where they are, where we are! We’re not letting you out!” said Byzas. The desperate, white-faced, teeth bared and ear flattened look that Barbican returned to Byzas caused the stallion to take a step back.
“What if the Commander didn’t have enough magic to teleport everypony after shielding everypony from the rock slide? They’d be stuck and in this weather. Even Her Highness will have trouble! I have to get out there!” roared Barbican.
“And what if you die trying to save them?” replied Byzas calmly, not believing how stubborn this pegasus was. Why did every pony around him seem bent on sacrificing themselves to save some greater good?
“Then I will die trying to save them! My life is not worth living if I let down my fellow ponies! Tell me Spire, have you ever failed a pony you’ve cared about? Swore to support them and then abandoned them? Lied to them!” demanded Barbican. Byzas cringed, as he thought of Laurel and her wasteful tears before he faked his death. He remembered Her Highness Princess Luna and her anger. He had tried to reassure her, but no matter what he did, nothing helped. One fateful day, while painting a rising sun, he had seen the moon suddenly rise and he knew he had failed.
“Yes, but...” Barbican jumped onto this opening like a frog onto a lily.
“HAH! I knew it! You selfish bastard, only caring about your own hide!” said Barbican with a sneer. That caused Byzas to paw his hooves at the ground and growl.
“You know nothing you pompous self-righteous prick!” retorted Byzas. Barbican laughed hysterically with wild eyes, but Chartres noticed the tears forming at the edge of them.
“Oh it’s you who knows nothing about failing other ponies and I who knows everything about it!” said Barbican as he strained his muscles and attempted to move his hooves. Byzas was about to throttle Barbican, but what was said next paralysed both enraged stallions.
“The Everfree Massacre... that was your failure, wasn’t it Barbican?” asked Chartres, mouth open in realization. The jaws of both stallions dropped open in surprise.
“That’s why you were screaming at the trees to ‘Give me back my lancers!’. It was your worst memory. It forced you to relive Nightmare Moon’s ambush,” said Chartres. Barbican’s mouth shut and he sat on his haunches, his face slumped in defeat.
“It wasn’t an ambush. It was a trap. Nightmare Moon lured us into the forest, onto our own territory and used it against us. The signs were there and it seemed too good to be true, but I didn’t see it.” Barbican’s head drooped down even lower as Chartres and Byzas stared at him in astonishment. “The rest you know. The 1st Equestrian Lancers were cut down in droves and the rest of my pegasi barely escaped with their lives.” The white pegasus raised his head slightly as he appraised Chartres, “How did you know I was Silver Shield?”
The unicorn lowered her head, “One of my friends, Dawn Dancer, she was the wife of a lancer called Sky Lark. She asked me to make her husband a lucky pendant to keep him safe during the war. The charm I placed on it worked, but barely. He was maimed in the battle, but at least he’s alive with her.”
Barbicn bowed to Chartres, “In that case I thank you for saving the life of one of my lancers Chartres. Now release me! I cannot suffer this pain again. You understand don’t you?” pleaded Barbican. Chartres shut her eyes. She didn’t want to release the spell, but she understood Barbican’s need.
Before she could release her spell though, Byzas spoke up. “Barbican, I understand your pain, but this is too dangerous! You can die out there!” That stopped Barbican for a moment and then he snarled.
“Wow, I never expected the reckless artist who dragged us all along on this dangerous trip to care about my safety,” snorted Barbican. Byzas flinched. Barbican was right on that aspect, but the earth pony was far too angry to just stand there and take it any longer. He was about to advance, when a sudden thought entered his head so quickly, he almost tripped. When Byzas recovered, he glanced at Barbican.
“Wait, you think that I wanted to endanger everypony by having us go on this trip?” gasped Byzas.
“What am I supposed to think?” demanded Barbican. Byzas bit his lip as he finally comprehended why Barbican had been so against him from the start.
“You thought I was a genuine danger. A threat to the project because my design was so ambitious it defied common sense and physics. And you would be dammed if you let the new capital of Equestria be built in such a dangerous fashion,” said Byzas slowly. Barbican nodded and then to his surprise, Byzas facehoofed.
“Why didn’t you just tell me? It could have saved us all the trouble!” groaned the stallion.
Barbican’s eyes shot wide open in surprise as he realised Spire was being sincere. “I assumed you wouldn’t agree! Most artists are very defensive about their designs! Besides, Her Highness seemed so taken...”
“Her Highness isn’t unreasonable enough to ignore the Lord of Cloudesdale’s son! And I’m not that prideful! Do you honestly think I want the death of those ponies on my hands?” demanded Byzas. Barbican was silent and Byzas sighed as he remembered his own betrayal to Laurel and his inability to help Princess Luna. “Believe me, I’ve hurt some ponies before and I know the guilt that comes with it.” Barbican blinked as he noticed Spire lower his head.
“Then I hope you never have to feel it again,” said Barbican. Byzas raised his head and the two met each other’s eyes, purple orbs gazing into light brown orbs.
He’s not so bad after all... thought the two stallions. Suddenly, a flash of lightning illuminated the cave in white light and Barbican remembered his duty.
“Thank you Spire, now let me go Chartres!” demanded Barbican.
Chartres didn’t let go though, instead she asked a question, “What if you die and they survive? How will White Tower and Golden Triangle deal with your death? Are you sure your decision here will save them, not hurt them?” That stopped Barbican’s heart and he felt himself tear into two. He didn’t know what to do. If Chartres was right, he would be inflicting his family and friends with an unnecessary sacrifice. But if she was wrong, he didn’t know if he could take another failure. Barbican found himself trapped, this time in between a rock and a hard place.
“I... don’t know... But I can’t stay here! I need to know if they are alright!” begged Barbican. Chartres smiled.
“Then take me with you. You’ll need my magic to light the way,” said Chartres. Byzas stepped forward beside Chartres.
“I’m with you too,” said Byzas firmly. Barbican took in the resolute expressions the pair were giving him and he knew he couldn’t dissuade them.
“Thank you both.”
Footnote:
1) Thank you RealityCheck for that spell.
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This turned out quite well. A bit hard to follow in the beginning, but the character development was good. You answered some questions and brought up new questions to be asked. Overall this was a good chapter and it leaves me wanting more
Also found a minor typo: "It was then that they them saw Spire"
1973775
Well it was about time someone commented on this chapter. Did it hit you in the feels? I hope it did because I felt so drained after writing some scenes.
Well now! I think this chapter takes the story to a whole new level emotionally. I loved your image of a weary Celestia. Mostly I loved all the interaction between the three ponies who fell. The character of Byzas in particular continues to shine. I loved the whole scene between him and Chartres, especially when she got angry. She's so likable. And it was satisfying to see some light shed on her character. (I thought that scene was going to dominate the chapter, then Barbican and Byzas got into it, and there was that moment with White Tower despairing. The emotion just didn't let up.)
Just a really outstanding chapter.
Grammar/Typos:
*could [I think that's what you meant.]
*Barbican
Keep up the awesome work.
1974197 Argh, both me and INky missed those grammar! XD
Thanks for the chapter review :D I'll be doing a Character Creation Intermission soon to explain my thought process on one of the characters... I might do Chartres or Byzas... And yeah I thought Byzas x Chartres was going to dominate too, but it didn't and I'm proud of it.
But if you hadn't realized, this is a kind of cliffhanger chapter... we don't know what is going to happen next! Well except for me !
1974014
Honestly, this didn't hit my feels, and I can explain why. In later chapters, after Chartres gets arrested, that meeting between herself and Celestia made me cry a little. I could totally feel where she was coming from as well as the fear she had inside her to have the full attention of Celestia. Even before that when she tried to sell her glass piece, that was something that I think affected me personally because I can completely understand the fearful sense of helplessness just to raise your voice and ask a question of someone. It felt like she was begging on the streets, and that hit me harder than any other point in your story.
And looking at this chapter, I came away feeling a little blind-sided by Chartres. All that information Spire dumps out about her felt a little forced, like suddenly Sherlock Homes took over and had to show how much smarter he is than the viewer. The little signs like the firewood and mentioning how the bog felt wrong, I would never have tied those back to her hiding something about her real nature. Those were either too vague to be signs, or so well hidden that I never found them, and in fact never questioned that she was anything more than somepony who has very little self esteem. The reasons for that could have been anything, but to find out she is the way she is because of some betrayal, I think, would have been better delivered as an action in progress or in a flashback, which you had the opportunity to do with this rock slide - give her a flashback of her life through a dream sequence, or something to that nature. Having Spire info-dump Chartres' past didn't have the same affect. White Tower's breakdown didn't fully hit me as anything more than appropriate because I'm not as invested in her, and Barbican's breakdown never felt heroic to me - just stubbornness and in some ways selfishness too. He's badly hurt and none of them know where they are or if any of their comrades are out there, but his wanting to go out and brave the storm just came off as too foolish for someone in his position. Like I expected better from him.
So no, this chapter didn't quite hit me in my feels, but it kept me engaged. I want to know more about Chartres now then ever before, because after Spire's info-dump on her, the first thing that came to mind was her being sorta like how I picture Silver Spoon would be until she grows up and life just slaps her down. Not a reformed villain but a broken one. I suppose a better comparison could be a character like how the fandom pictured Luna before she returned in season 2 - this once great and powerful person who rebelled once and now comes back timid and fearful.
And I bet I'm totally off the mark lol.
But hey, this is the kind of critical thinking your story got me to make.
1976614 WAAAH??? Darn... Well i suppose everybody reacts to chapters differently. I've dropped a lot of hints on Chartres getting betrayed... her contemplation chapter for example. Barbican is combination of stubborness and selfishness/selflessness, I agree, I meant him to be that way... he's been hurt and he's confused.
And I kinda led up to Spire acting sherlock by mentioning his ACTUAL cutie mark and its powers. As well as the White Tower with Spire chapter... Darn fu... well at least you enjoyed the chapter. As for Chartres, she was a bit of an arrogant Rarity before life slapped her down.
Finally got around to catching up on this story and all I can say is...wow. This chapter is quite powerful and enlightening. But that mountain must hate those ponies or something.
Anyhow, I've been following this story since the beginning and I think it's finally time for your Authors Helping Authors review!
So, Grammar: 7.8/10
Being able to watch you grow as an author I will be the first to admit that your grammar has improved since this story began, but this also means that I've caught quite a few mistakes since it began (most of which you've corrected). That being the case, I would say that your grammar is decent, but can still be improved.
Pros:
Uno- As has been mentioned by many before me, the premise is incredibly unique! Yay! I love unique!
Dos- Your OCs feel real and tangible. They all have pasts and emotions and values which drive them. They all have flaws which haunt them and abilities which may just bring them to the completion of their goal. Very well done!
Tres- Again, it's been mentioned often, but Celestia feels like Celestia should! It's a wonder that many authors can't write Celestia correctly, but you, sir, CAN. And you do it well.
Cons:
1- (I suffer from this same issue) Because you have so many OCs it can be a little tricky keeping them distinct (appearance/character name).
2- Sometimes it's hard to figure out who's talking. It's not bad, but it happens just enough to get a mention here.
3- Be careful to not force your story to move faster than it should. You just hit us with a Discord, rock slide, background reveal triple-whammy in about three chapters. It's all very exciting, but feels somewhat forced for the group's first trip up the mountain.
Notes:
Overall, a great story! It's incredibly original and has some great OCs which all feel alive and real. I will be sure to keep up with this story and I hope that you have an amazing day!
Hope you get something useful out of this review. I'd ask you to check out my story The Secret of Sun Cloak, but it's undergoing a re-write due to Season 3 conflicts. (The first 13 chapters have been updated, though!) Feel free to check it out whenever or never at all, depending on your reading schedule/free time. Have a good one!
This review brought to you with limited commercial interruptions by: Flame Runner
1981350 I'm watching my OC speaking and the pacing of the story. There is a reason for everything, rockslide included. Discord was accident.
Thanks for the review, I'll be getting on your fic ASAP
1982147
Glad to hear that you're already one step ahead of me! I suppose that's the problem with reviewing a fic that's still in progress.
1987319 Thanks for that really detailed review!
* Very good characters. I don't know why, but despite the short lengths of each chapters I can sympathize with the characters well. Few other stories have actually managed to make me feel for the characters, the others being LOTR, the Percy Jackson series, FoE, some of PH, and then Viva Las Pegasus. I think it may be that they each have their own distinct characteristic, like Byzas' speech speed.
My secret is: action = character development. They are non-stop interacting with each other or the environment. Additionally I sculpt the action and environment to introduce their own distinct characteristics, Byzas's speed speech, Sa'id's desert accent/pinkie pie ness (In my headcanon he's Pinkie Pie's ancestor), Barbican is impulsive, White Tower is perfectionist, Chartres is timid but gifted, Golden Triangle... old and experienced, Vaultaire brash and willing to test limits + friends with Celestia
* Unique setting. Few other stories that I've seen do the time during/before the war of the princesses, and I can safely say that this is one of the few that do it well.
I did some research prior to writing this. I actually checked if any other fics had been done in this time, on Canterlot specifically. Seeing I had no other competition and that I would have a niche to perform in and possibly define "I said "let's do this"
* It's short but good. Unlike my own story that takes a large amount of words to thoroughly develop character problems and motives as well as the world, you do it quickly but nicely. Of course, a larger word count could add more flavor, but despite the short length of this it's good.
Well non-stop action that leads to character evolution as well as a simple but distinct environment helps. The jumping of time also passes over boring bits I don't need to describe.
CONS
* Repetitive phrases. Occasionally, a word or phrase gets repeated with too little time in-between then. It just sounds a little awkward, and a little look-over of the chapters would be quite good.
Lederp, sometimes it takes ages for me to come up with a chapter and when it comes it comes quick. I'll check those paragraphs.
* The world doesn't quite feel alive. Despite the Gathering being the most anticipated event of the first four chapters, it doesn't quite feel... anticipated. I don't know how you could improve on this, but I hope you don't mind if I quote a bit from my story that I'm proud of, for I think that I am good at descriptions:
DERP, biggest problem here. I agree, I need to make it more alive, but I was focusing a lot on characters. I shall do my best to improve this after I finish the next chapter and start prepping this for EQD re-submission. My pre-reader who rejected me said I had a few errors, but liked the idea quite a bit.
Thanks for the review! If you have any other Fo:E fics you would like me to read I'll be glad to read them.
1988259 Oh, well that other story would be Viva Las Pegasus, but I'd also like a comment or two from you regarding my own fic.
1989322 Alright, I do have a few things to say about the latest chapters. Myst + Goldwreath SO CUTE!!!
1989352 Yes, I know. It would be a great treat if you commented it on the story page, though. That is if you don't mind.
hmmm... I'm smelling some ancestry here. Byzas and Chartres could have been Twilight's ancestors.
The possibility is intriuging.
1991568 hmm now why would you think that? I'm not denying it or confirming but I really would like to know why would you think that?
1991785 the flaming mane and the teleportation were what led me to the connection, and as loose as it may sound, it's not that implausible for Byzas's connection with the night court before luna's fall to have led to their entire family adopting a more nocturnal naming theme, like Twilight and Night Light.
That and if you noticed my comment on Remembering the Fallen, it seems like a good plot hook for Twilight to get involved on that idea of mine. I'm shameless.
2004553 Ooh... just opening possibilities. Maybe in possible sequel... or within story. IDK XD
I'm very proud of my characters! I'm glad you like them. And if you notice what I did... that I developed them rather quickly, even though the chapter count per character is less than yours.. I gave them all very distinctive features, that the environment shows or they show their distinctive characteristics via interaction, so I get them familiarized VERY quickly. Something you can do in your story.
This review is brought to you on belhalf of Authors Helping Authors
Grammar: 8 (I noticed a few typos but nothing that marred my enjoyment of the piece.)
Pros:
- Great OCs. I feel that they are fleshed out characters, proper we-would-be-seen-in-something-proffessional characters. Well actually I have reservations about Vaultaire and Golden Triangle, but I'll get to that later.
- An engaging story line. I read this in one sitting and must say that I was not bored once. The pacing you set the background, coupled with the introduction of the characters was great.
- Now I am not going to call them 'feels', because I associate that exclusively with sadness but it gave me feelings. I smile at Princess Celestia being light-hearted and want to give characters like Byzas a hug.
Cons
- A minor thing but I feel that Vaultaire and Golden Triangle are too defined by their roles. I can see that they are developing as characters but at the moment I do not care for them in the same way.
- It feels a little odd that the Princess is traveling with the group without any guards, she went to a lot of trouble to hide her identity before. I am sorry if there was an explanation for this and I missed it.
- (struggling here) There might be a few grammar mistakes.....
Notes: I am enjoying this story and this chapter did make me tear up a bit. I get this feeling that this shall turn into an epic, and let me tell you that is a good feeling
This is a review response so I shall not ask you to review any more of my stories. You are also the founder of a group of almost 200 members so If you manage to find yourself some free time, go read something nice.
2004813 Thanks for the fav, like and the review!
As to Celestia not taking any guards... I didn't explain, but she would probably think that there is no need for it.. which is proved completely wrong by what happens. As for Vaultaire and Golden Triangle, I shall be developing them further, so expect them to get much more interesting!
This review is brought to you on belhalf of Authors Helping Authors
Grammar: 7, like I said before in the pm, a few typos but nothing too bad
Pros:
1. nice to see the canterlot voice in use
2. interesting oc's
3. like the fact you're making Canterlot's history
Cons
1. conversations seem a bit awkward, I can't tell who's talking
2. not much else
3. not much else.
notes:
I'm terrible at notes, so I'll just say you did well with this story, highly original and fun ^^
2058703 :D Fav if you like the story. Thanks for the review! What did you like about the OCs?
2073301 You have a good point, the beginning is rather dry (i had to introduce 7 OCs quickish) and I have been told I wasn't able to flesh them out well enough, problem is that if I do... some of the problems I will bring out later will become rather... well they'd flop. So I'll try to flesh out the beginning, but at this point, I'm not sure what I can do.
Thanks for the review!
This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrial Critics Society
Story title: Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects
Author: vren55
Review by: BronyWriter
Short form: A story about how Canterlot was designed and built that suffers from droughts of interest. Bureaucracy and architecture are often pretty uninteresting without something deeper going on behind them and there are moments where the story drags on. However, the writing is spectacularly well done with only one glaring consistent flaw and it does get a lot more interesting as the story continues.
Full Review
Final Score: 8.0/10
Woot! Finally caught up on this one!
I'm really enjoying the story and the OC's. It's pretty evident to me how significant they are, being the ancestors of the canon Element Bearers and all. As promised, I will review this for you in exchange for a review of SAA when we both have the time. 
Anyhoo, keep on chugging--things are getting exciting!
2686784 Thanks :D Though I'm not sure exactly when I can update this. I don't think I'll leave this hanging for too long :P
2687377
Take your time! No need to rush things!
The following Authors Helping Authors review is brought to you by Hoof of Approval. All comments are highly subjective, and are to be taken at face value only.
Story: Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects
Review Date: Friday, July 19th, 2013
Overview
Ah, sweet world-building.
Everyone's got a soft spot for it in a way, because everyone wants to know what happened in the past, as far as the world of Equestria is concerned. I'm sure they'll explore it in the actual show someday (here's hoping Season 4), but for now, we have the realm of fan fiction to explore it. It's a perfect medium to attempt explaining several things of importance, and if it's good enough, it stays in the minds of those that read it forever, even becoming a part of head canon.
Which will eventually be destroyed by actual canon or Word of God.
But does this piece of world-building stick out in my mind specifically? Let's take a look.
Grammar (9/10)
It's a joy to read a story with such solid mechanics, really it is. I mean, sure there were a few slip ups and typos here and there, but so few that I couldn't really notice them. We're not perfect, any of us, and some things get past the radar of even the most stalwart pre-reader. Just think about some of the stories that pop up on Equestria Daily (kidding). I don't have much to say or comment on this, because like I said, there are too few of these to mention.
Pros
→ Relatable characters. I has feels for all of them, man. Celestia most of all, because she just lost her sister, forced into a brutal civil war with the only true kin she has. I mean sure, there's Cadence further down the road, but Luna is her actual sister. I know what it's like to lose family, and this kinda hits home for me. But that doesn't take away from the other characters. Each one has a place in my heart now after reading this, and it's been a long time since I have.
→ Storytelling prowess. You have a knack for pulling us into the world you create that few can accomplish, and that includes me. I mean, I'm okay at it and I try, but you just pull it off so well that I can't help but be a little jelly at it. In a respectable and heartfelt way, of course! I can easily put this on par with This Platinum Crown, not for subject matter, but for sheer story involvement.
→ Set pieces. From the Old Castle to Canterlot Mountain, you build scenes like nobody's business. And yet you still tend to get right to the heart of the matter, the actual story and how it's driven forward. These detailed descriptions are absolutely beautiful, and would take a whole page to mention even one of them.
Cons
→ Pacing issues. This is a minor thing, but it kinda needs to be mentioned. Someone said earlier that it tends to move fast in places, and it does kinda deliver an unwelcome kick to the face in spots. I'm not going to mention any instances, but it's something to be careful of.
→ Slow start. Oh yes, a very slow start. Was I interested? Yeah, I actually was. I like those kinds of buildups where little intricacies are on display. Doesn't stop me from noticing how laggy the first few moments are. I like my stories to come with a hook in the beginning, something to get my eyes wide and go "what the hell is gonna happen NOW?" This... does not have that.
→ More personal than anything, this one, but... you have not updated this in a very, very long time. You. Suck. UPDATE. NOW.
Final Verdict
Starts slow, picks up once they meet up, but good characters and solid writing. An excellent spot of world building in which we see the details of how the City on the Mountain came to be. I just wish I could read more of it so I could review more of it, but that's just me.
9.5/10. Permanent Favorite.
Respond to this review by posting one up on The Race of Dreams. Thank you.
2900020 ... I was tempted to put this on hiatus, but i'm actually thinking of finishing the chapter soon b/c its actually half done, but a writers block hit me for this particular scene and I lost utter interest in writing about it (I still think about the world).
Thanks for the review and I'm happy that you think so highly of this story. It was my first on fimfiction.net, but was too ambitious. Still I think I should and I will finish it... eventually.
*cough... this was written/planned pre-Royal wedding. While I am tempted to put Cadance in, I just don't know how to justify her age b/c she's teenage when she's babysitting Twilight.
Anyhow I'm off to read your story. LETS DO THIS!
2914248 LOL
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 9
Pros (list three pros)
1. Originality. While the premise doesn’t really catch my attention in particular, it’s unique as far as I know, and that has to count for something in a fandom as super-saturated as this one. I’m sure that there are world-building gluttons out there with a taste for architecture that would find the concept behind this story very intriguing.
2. Characters. Again, none of them gripped my imagination and held fast like a Titan (The Immortal Game) or a CelestAI (Friendship Is Optimal), but they all seemed like solid, well-realized characters. Your portrayal showed skill and effort as a storyteller.
3. World-building. I honestly would have liked to have seen more world-building – a real feel and sense for Equestria as a whole, for the devastation wrought by war, and perhaps an even better sense of the strict social hierarchy and prejudices that (presumably) existed in a ‘(presumably) aristocracy/feudal system of some sort. Still, what there was, was good. I’m not sure that the Royal Canterlot Voice was necessary, but even attempting it makes you a braver man than I. I appreciated the references to titles and court politics, and the description of the creative festival was reasonable, even if it wasn’t explored in quite the detail that I would have liked, given its importance as suggested by the first few chapters.
Cons (list three cons)
1. Character Reactions. While your character personalities were diverse and possessed some depth, sometimes I felt that their reactions were a bit…overwrought? Their jaws would drop, they would yell at each other over relatively small matters in a seemingly immature way not befitting of nobility, they would lose their heads quite unlike a reasonable adult…I think that a bit more subtlety to the character’s reactions – a twitch instead of a dropped jaw, a glare and clever put-down instead of a shout, some inner torment instead of rushing off to do such-and-such – would serve to make the character’s appear more believable, at least in my eyes. As it is, they sometimes seemed…childish. Not nobility and professionals.
2. Hook. I only glanced through a few of the other readers’ reviews – I presume there are many of them by now – but I noticed that I was not the only one that felt like the beginning was a bit…slow. You need truly spectacular skills as a writer in order to keep the reader’s attention without tension or a good hook. As it was, it’s only in these last few chapters that things of import finally seem to be happening…and now, they’re maybe happening too quickly? Pacing, tension, a hook; these all work together to keep the reader’s attention, I think.
3. Antagonist. I’m not sure if this one is a problem, so much as a potential problem/suggestion…when you were first setting up your cast, I had rather hoped that one of them would have ulterior motives of some sort. A Judas in their midst, so to speak. An old servant of Nightmare Moon, still following her wishes? Somepony with a nigh-murderous grudge against one of the other architects, or even Celestia herself? Even a powerful noble with simple political or fiscal opposition to this project might have worked. Somepony to actively work against our group, and drive the tension. While you have given the cast issues and conflicts with each other, I’m concerned about how you’re going to go about kindling the flames of tension high enough with those (mostly) petty conflicts. How long is bickering between Vaultaire and Golden Oldie really going to capture our attention? How long before we dig out everpony’s secrets and resolve their arguments and distrusts? (Not long at all, I fear, based on the last few chapters.) And there’s only so many landslides and ancient Discorded cities that you can pull off before it gets stale. I’m just a little worried that without a clear antagonist, the tension is going to peter out long before the actual plotline has been resolved.
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section)
How to summarize what I think of this story thus far? Solid. It’s a fairly solid story. No part of it gripped me in particular (though that’s a very personal judgment, of course), but no part of it made me want to just skip to the end, either – which sets it above most fanfiction out there, I think. Grammar and spelling were good, though not flawless. Use of the English language was serviceable, if not quite enough to entertain on its own. Overall storytelling indicated effort and thought, if not mastery of the form.
While I don’t know that I can genuinely list this as one of my favorite stories in the fandom, you have earned my upvote, sir. Good work.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: Prodigy by Sable Tails
3251339 Who said the landslide was not the part of the antagonist(s)?
Thanks for the review though! Its very detailed and will be helpful for when I get this started up again!
3705229 LOL
3706888 Was it intended, or were you laughing because I typed something stupid?
3709269 No it was not intended to appear like dementors... I just laughed when you pointed out the similarities.
3709375 The similarities were so uncanny, that I thought that a group of floating, cloaked, hooded, 3 metres tall beings were about to appear.
I'm cleaning out the stories that I have been keeping track of starting with the oldest. Could you please tell me if this story is still active?
4553355 that's the most awkward question I've been asked in a long time. The answer is that the story is on HIatus and will not be updated anytime soon.
Good enough, I'll keep it on the list
A pegasus to watch over me, an earth pony to shoulder my burdens and an unicorn to light the way.
Do these characters have something to do with the EoH?
Truly incredible stuff. More please more.
4639295 I'm afraid I'm indefinitely writer's blocked on this one... but I have two other stories that you ccan read and I think they are better than this one XD
4639628 can and will do.
pinkie sense reference!
It seems like this story is forgotten, a long dead tale of the past.
But who knows when it will be revived?
8011006 fraid it might be permadead. i've moved on to other projects and while I'm not averse to putting references to this story into it... i'm afraid I don't know how to end/continue this :P
8011021 Hey, it happens mate.
I'm sure your people will stand with you nonetheless.