Onslaught
A short time after the sun rose, the other ponies awoke to find Princess Celestia preparing breakfast, showing that contrary to rumor, the princess knew how to cook. Quickly, the six seated themselves and prepared themselves to eat.
But before Golden Triangle and Barbican could tuck into the delightful fare, they noticed Byzas, Chartres, Vaultaire and Sa’id going wide-eyed at something behind them. They barely had a moment to react before they were caught in a death-grip hug by a certain earth pony.
“Golden, Barbican, thanks,” whispered White Tower. Golden smiled wryly and Barbican breathed a sigh of relief.
“We’re just glad you’re safe,” said Barbican. The three friends sat there for a moment, enjoying each other’s company. That was until Golden Triangle spoke up.
“White Tower, we enjoy the warmth of thy embrace greatly, but the stew is getting cold,” said Golden Triangle teasingly.
Red tinged the blue fur on White Tower’s cheeks before she lightly punched Golden Triangle and sat down to eat.
Celestia and the others stayed clear away from the swamp as they continued their journey up the mountain. As they hiked up the winding path along the side of Mount Canter, the ponies kept their eyes peeled for any ideal spots. They also took care to watch their step, for although one side of the path lay in the side of the mountain, the other descended in a sheer drop.
At the front of the line, White Tower, Golden Triangle and Barbican were recounting to White Tower how Golden Triangle had broken her out of the trance. Both White Tower and Golden Triangle had blushed when Barbican recounted Golden Triangle’s nursery rhyme. To avoid himself from being further embarrassed, the older unicorn changed the subject.
“If we remember correctly, thou seemest to have acquitted thyself well with that revolutionary young artist. What is thy opinion of him?” whispered Golden Triangle, having noticed White Tower chatting animatedly with Byzas while their chariot was landing.
“Revolutionary? Rash and mad, I say. Who would ever think of building a city on a cliff? It’s the craziest idea I’d ever heard of,” chuckled Barbican. At the rear of the company, Byzas’s ears shot straight in the air, but he pretended to be glancing at a nearby overhang, though it was much too small to build anything but a bird’s nest on.
“Barbican, be nice. Spire is nervous, but trustworthy, not to mention he is quite talented. I admire his vision in fact,” commented White Tower cheerfully. The unicorn sighed and adjusted his monocle slightly.
“We agree, but we also believe he needs more experience,” said Golden Triangle, wiping the dust from the lens.
“He needs more common sense, not experience, though he has none of the latter. His idea of building the capitol on a cliff is a dangerous and reckless,” said Barbican, his voice dripping with contempt. White Tower’s brow furrowed at the uncharacteristic behaviour of her friend. Barbican had complained earlier, but his grumblings had been focused mainly on the journey, not Spire’s reputation and skills.
At the end of the line, Byzas’s unique purple eyes were examining every bush, every ledge and every rock with fraught anticipation. The stallion had been infuriated by Barbican’s denouncing of his vision and was determined to prove the pegasus wrong. And although Byzas didn’t know what he was looking for, he knew that he would get some feeling when he saw it. In fact, Byzas was so concentrated on finding a suitable location for the capital that he completely forgot to stare at Chartres. Yet, after several long hours of trotting and hiking, Byzas’s concentration waned and he turned around to glance at the rest of his company.
It was good that he did, for the first thing Bzyas noticed was that Chartres was extremely fatigued. The unicorn’s breath was irregular and gasping, her blue mane matted with sweat and her steps staggering.
“Chartres! Are-you-alright?” stammered Byzas as he leapt to Chartres’s side. Blinking her teal eyes blearily, Chartres seemed to look through Byzas.
“I’m fine Spire,” said Chartres. Suddenly, the unicorn coughed violently and staggered, ending up leaning against Byzas and her head rested on his shoulder. For a moment, Byzas’s heart fluttered and he was floating in the clouds like a pegasus. However, the touch of Chartres’s saddlebags against his side diverted his attention and he frowned. Glancing to the mare’s sides, Byzas gasped as he noticed Chartres coarse, sackcloth saddlebags. Although cheap, the long days of hiking had caused the saddlebags to chafe against the Chartres’s side and now her sides were worn and scraped, the fur rubbed raw.
“Chartres-why-didn’t-you-tell-us!” gasped Byzas.
“I’m fine, I can still walk,” stammered Chartres. Byzas gawked uncomprehendingly at Chartres. He couldn’t understand why she was denying her own pain.
“Enough! Princess! We-need-to-stop!” roared Byzas. Celestia was beside them in an instant and her magenta eyes widened in fright as she registered Chartres’s condition.
“We have to get off the mountain,” said Celestia.
“Finally!” said Barbican as he approached the cluster of ponies. He was immediately met by a pair of furious purple eyes.
“What did you mean by that pegasus?” demanded Byzas, every word enunciated with a dangerous precision and weight. Barbican was taken aback by Spire’s changed tone, but a nudge and a look from White Tower directed his attention to Chartres and the pegasus finally realized the situation at hoof.
Sheepishly, Barbican coughed into his hoof, “Nothing at all. Um... how can we get off the mountain?” Spire glared at Barbican for a moment, but then turned back to Chartres.
“Your Highness, can you teleport- OW!” exclaimed Spire as a pebble landed on his head. He looked upward to see where the pebble had come and froze.
“Art thou uninjured Spire?” asked Celestia, puzzled at Spire’s sudden paralysis.
It was then they all felt the ground quake and quiver, as the mountain began to groan. Their ears were filled with the thudding of tumbling rock and the clatter of gravel against stone. Shattering boulders sent horrendous cracking noises into the morning sky. As the entire mountainside shook, Spire lifted a single, trembling, red hoof to the mountain top.
“Your Highness, avalanche,” whispered the pony. And with that all Tartarus broke loose.
The sight of tumbling boulders and rock only transfixed Celestia’s gaze for a moment before her horn glowed and she cast the strongest shield she could muster. A great golden dome of magic encircled the area around the architects. However, despite all the alicorn’s power, she could do nothing to ease the violent shaking of Mount Canter.
“Hold on!” ordered Celestia, squeezing her eyes and gritting her teeth, as she braced herself against the ground and funnelled all her power into the shield. The other ponies didn’t need to be told twice. Vaultaire clutched Celestia’s hoof tightly. Golden Triangle grabbed a rocky spur, while White Tower braced her hooves against the ground. Sa’id... somehow the desert pony didn’t bother grabbing anything, but allowed himself to be bounced up and down. Each landing was perfectly controlled and each jump timed to control his distance from the edge of the path. Barbican lofted himself into the air, staying within the Princess’s shield.
While Byzas was trying to secure his foothold on the rocky path, he saw the still-groggy Chartres slipping precariously near the edge. Immediately he stepped forward to grab her, but the moment his hoof touched the ground, his eyes widened.
Earth pony magic was never as obvious as unicorn magic. But it made up for that in its ability to sense the environment. Byzas wasn’t a master at it, but he was in tune with the rock well enough to tell that Chartres was in grave danger.
“Chartres-get-away-from-there!” shouted Byzas desperately. It was to no avail, for at that moment of bad fortune, the avalanche met Celestia’s shield. A frightening cacophony, similar to hammers smashing glass, sang through the air, as magic met rock. Spire’s warning was completely drowned out.
Then, there was an ominous crunch and Chartres’s lidded eyes snapped open, as she finally realized her predicament. The unicorn moved, her tired hooves lifting into air and her rear legs tensing for a jump.
It was too late.
A horrified scream, cut through the symphony of cascading rock, followed by a yell of horror. Celestia’s eyes snapped open and she whipped her head around, just to see Chartres tumbling through the shield, which was only designed to keep objects out, not ponies in. Spire, nearest to the stricken unicorn, had jumped in an attempt catch her hooves. The alicorn’s heart seized in horror, as she saw Spire had misjudged his leap.
“NO!” screamed Celestia. The earth pony uttered an astonished gasp, somehow heard by all, and he fell in after the unicorn. The alicorn tried to grab both of them with her magic, but the sheer concentration needed to maintain the shield made such an act impossible. Then, to Celestia’s surprise, a white shape, streaked with gold appeared in front of her. It saluted and said, in a voice strangely distorted by the falling rocks:
“Your Highness, hold the shield. I’ll get them back safe and sound,” said Barbican.
White Tower gave a sharp cry, as Barbican dived out of the shield.
This Review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors
Name Canterlot Her Creation and Her Architects
Grammar: 9.5(in case I missed anything)
Pros: Great characters
Great World
Good development of characters and world.
Cons: Can't think of any,
Notes: Ok so I finally got to doing a proper AHA review of your story. What can I say other that this is a great Story, and I'm glad you kept the thous thees and other old language words. really adds to the authenticity of the time period their in. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Hope you liked your review, Don't forget to Review Guardian of the Hearthfire (when you get the chance, I'm sure you've got a lot on your plate)
I think I found an error here, “Barbican, be nice. Byzas is nervous, but trustworthy, not to mention he is quite talented." Should be Spire right?
So I've now read your whole story and I find it quite enjoyable and well written. I already gave a review so I'm just going to say here that your characters are interesting, dynamic, and even though some are more developed then others, you're working with quite a large cast of OCs - it would be unreasonable to assume that you can give each their own equal development while keeping up the pace of the main story. That being said, I wouldn't suggest rushing anything. Nor would I suggest losing the 'thee' and 'thou', or as I prefer to think of it, the Shakespearean speech Celestia uses. Even if EQD were to say it's recommended, are you writing this just to get it featured on EQD, or are you writing it to follow through with your vision of how Celestia and the noble ponies spoke a thousand years ago? Given the context of the story, the time setting, there is no reason to drop that form of speech. If you could find someone experienced with Shakespeare, I bet it would help a lot to have that person read over Celestia's dialogue.
So yeah, this is a great story, great enough that I wanted to read all of it, and will happily read the updates to follow.
1934396
1934396 writing in preparation for EQD. submitted once... rejected, but my proof seems encouraging.
If you didn't realese this already, this review is brought for the Sake and Glory of the Authors Helping Authors group!
Name of the Story : Oh, come on!
Grammar Score: ?
Explanation : As a Pole, I can't tell you how is your gramma in this story. From a few first chapters, I didn't spotted any major mistakes, if there are any, they don't interupt story reading.
BTW. Being a Pole sometimes helps in reading fan-fics, even the story with the shittest gramma ever can be good for you
Pros :
# Really original idea ( seriously, I never see something like this before ).
# Most of OC's have quite good personalities
# Did I mention original idea? Seriously, this is awesome.
# Descriptions you delivered are quite well-written.
Cons :
# Okay, quite strange thing, this story isn't that sucking, so you started reading at 23:00 PM and you "wake up" on 2:13 AM with entire story read. I just can't read this fast, it's... "tiring", if you understand my point of view. I have totally no idea how to make a better explanation for this ( or maybe it's just grumbling of Pole with shitty english who have no idea what he is reading about. Derp ).
# Sometimes, your characters speak totally of character, but it's not that often.
# No Idea for third Con. However, I suggest a bit longer and richer synophis.
Notes:
I got a real problem with reading and reviewing this story, idea of "Creating Canterlot" is awesome, but stories focused such hard on OC's aren't my favourites. Instead of pointless writing fancy words, I just give you a list of things, I think you should improve.
- I didn't read so many Chapters, but I found this story "tiring". I think you should consider giving it more actions, or more interesting descriptions.
- Improve synophis. Just Because You Can.
- OC's can be still improved, I think.
Well, enjoy your review! I gave it Like, because you deserve it, of course! If it's okay for you, could you preview my story Equestria First and Only once more, after I and wonderful Pre-Readers will finish correcting it? I'll send you a PM when it will be done.
Stay Awesome
Verlax
1943371 I get your pross, but I'm a little confused on your cons. Do you mean it is too long and that some of the characters are OUT of character?
yeah and I'll loe to proofread the story again. Not always, but once in a while. Please fav and like :D
1943741
Yea, I know it's hard to explain. Maybe let's do this that way.
Imagine a book, with a lot of scientific stuff, and a lot of fancy names. Author is probably a Chemisty Professor. Story is written extremely well, with good manner, with a lot of scientific and other clever things. This type of story is really good, I personally love for example Stanisław Lem and his "Solaris" or "Invincible". However, these are "hard books", they can't just be read in one day or such, you need a time to make it.
Now, imagine a totally random - comedy story with hilarious jokes and such. You can easily read them in one day, even if they are even longer than First Type.
I think your story in some things is like First One, rather than Second One, and I think it's not suite general idea of this story.
I gave you a Like already, but take a favourite too!
Stay Awesome
Verlax
1943804 I get it. Thanks for the feedback!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects
Grammar score: 9/10 Noticed a couple grammatical missteps, like a missing word here and there. (Typos probably.) And your Old English is a bit off grammatically. Like, you get your thee and thou swapped sometimes. But in case you were wondering about my take on it: even if it's slightly grammatically off, using Old English gives the dialogue more character. I'd take interesting over perfect grammar any day. Other than those (and they are minor), your grammar and the technical aspects of your writing is solid.
Pros: First, you have some wonderful OCs. They are a colorful bunch, each one with her/his own motivations, fears, loyalties. I found myself genuinely caring for the entire group. Next, your world-building is great. I found the Old Canterlot sequence particularly interesting, but the idea of an Equestria that is basically recovering from a Civil War, and ponies still around who are more loyal to Luna than Celestia, gives a terrific tension to the characters. (Most notable in the character of Byzas, who is one of my favorites.) Finally, I like the cliffhanger chapter endings. It may be annoying to wait for the next chapter (a boat that I am now in, having caught up to this point) in a web serial, but from a storytelling/writing standpoint, when your reader gets to the end of the chapter, the one thing you don't want is for them to feel like they can put your story down. No, you've got to make them turn just one more page...and before you know it, they've read your whole story.
Cons: There is not much to say in the cons department, at least in the story itself. The awkward Old English grammar is the only recurring issue (and I've already told you that you should keep it around anyway because it makes the dialogue more fun to read). Early on I had a bit of trouble remembering which character was which. (This is one area where fanfiction authors usually get to skate by, because they are writing characters the readers are already intimately familiar with throught the show, but you introduce a lot of OCs early on so you have a challenge.) Thankfully your characters are vividly realized. This is not an issue as the story goes on, but especially in the Great Gathering chapters, when I was still getting used to all the new characters in my mind, I had to flip back to the intro chapters a couple times to recall a character's backstory. By the time everyone comes together and sets out this is not a problem, but reminding the reader that a certain character is a glass blower whose mistress is stealing credit for her work, or why Byzas is hiding his identity, helps a bit. (I realize that this might seem unneccessary. You know each one of your OCs intimately and you give the story three whole chapters to introduce them, so why should you have to throw in a few sentences reminding a reader of what they just read? It helps a little, that's all.)
Notes Section: Now, I enjoyed your world-building in Remembering the Fallen, so I was interested in reading the story that spun out of. The only problem? It looked like it was a story about architecture! Which...didn't sound very adventurous to me. The title and description sounded interesting to be sure, but they didn't sound fun.
But your story is fun. Very fun. It's got humor, mystery, and charm. And I love your characters. My favorites so far are Chartres, Byzas, White Tower, and, of course, the best princess, Celestia. (Knowing she was in the story was a big draw for me.)
So you've given me a story about a bunch of architects that feels more adventurous than a story about a band of warriors and wizards. Know what I think of architects now? I'm keeping this on my favorites list. Just a wonderful story, with characters as loveable as those in the show itself.
Enjoy your review! You've already reviewed a story of mine, but if you want to keep the review chain going, I'd love your opinion on my story, A Spell for Lyra. It's a relatively short one-shot. I know that you must be pretty busy by now, but if you do end up taking a look at it, I've already gotten a couple reviews and quite a few comments, but I'm considering revising it in an attempt to resubmit it to EQD (it's got one strike so far), so what I really need is to know specifically what needs be changed in it. Thank you very much. And thanks for your awesome story!
1946856 Thanks for the detailed review! I'm glad you liked my OCs, I spent ages working on them. I'm also glad that I'm able to make a story that would look like slice-of-life turn into a massive adventure (first time I've ever tried ANYTHING like this). I'll be sure to read your story... after I finish my essay :(
1948466 Ah, school work? I'm in the same boat.
Finally! I got myself to the latest chapter and I must say I like where this story is going. To be honest I found the story to be a little dull in the beginning but it's getting exciting now. I can't wait for next chapter.
1962857 MAUAHAHAHA I love using cliffhangers! Next chapter in the works. And boy its the longest I've ever written. Please fav and like :D If you haven't