Secrets
Secrets
White Tower could barely remember waking up. She merely became aware of the rough fabric of her bedroll rubbing against her fur and the soft pillow her head was resting upon. Blinking her eyes, the pony rolled the covers off of her and observed her surroundings. They were camped, that was clear, and everypony was still asleep.
Except for Princess Celestia who was facing the east, her horn glowing as she ushered in the rays of a new day. The golden yellow and fiery orange colours danced across the twilight sky, binding White Tower in its glorious spell. An enchantment that was all too brief as the performance ended, leaving the earth pony wanting for more.
“We hope you hast enjoyed watching our sunrise White Tower. Didst thou sleep well?” asked Celestia kindly as she turned to the pony. White Tower smiled and nodded.
“I slept very well your maj-,” White Tower’s eyes suddenly widened, causing Celestia to approach the younger pony.
“Do you remember the events of the last day?” asked Celestia. White Tower wished she hadn’t, but the onslaught of recollections couldn’t be stopped. She remembered... the nightmare and her collapsing. However, she couldn’t remember anything after that.
“Princess, did I say anything?” asked the mare desperately, her hooves clenched tightly around the blanket. The alicorn shook her head.
“Thy past remains a secret from the others young one.” That caused White Tower to relax, but immediately after that, her muscles tightened up. Slowly, the mare began to back away from Celestia, who was growing more confused by the minute.
“You know?” gasped the mare. Celestia internally sighed as she realized her slip of the tongue.
“We have known for some time and we honestly think thou hast nothing to be ashamed of...”
“I was a-!” White Tower was silenced by a gentle, but firm hoof on her mouth.
“Let us explain ourselves, young pony. We are very good at keeping secrets and we can keep this one a while longer. But you must unburden yourself. The longer that you alone shoulders this burden, the greater your surfferring and nightmares shall grow.” Celestia averted her gaze and lowered her hoof. “The last time somepony we knew dearly kept her demons to herself, she was overtaken by them.” White Tower blanched as she realized whom the princess was speaking of and bit her lip.
“I understand, your majesty,” replied the mare. Celestia smiled warmly and turned to the sleeping Golden Triangle.
“Thou should thank Trottingham once he arises. He was the one who quelled your nightmares yesterday. He cares for you deeply, mayhaps like a daughter.” Celestia then gestured to a snoring white pegasus. “And the Lord Barbican was most concerned about thee.” White Tower’s lips turned up in a bittersweet smile.
“I wonder how much they would care about me if they knew.”
“They would only not let you out of their sights!” exclaimed Celestia. White Tower frowned and then giggled as she realized that was exactly what those two foolish stallions would do. But though her heart felt lighter at that prospect, she wasn’t prepared to tell them, not just yet.
“Thank you, your majesty. I will tell them... in time.”
“Soon I hope, and you are most welcome.”
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It's so short... oh a big chapter next? Ok, can't wait.
Was a little surprised at how short it was, but can't wait for the next chapter. I like the Thou, thee, and thine, I'm no expert at Elizabethan grammar so them seem fine to me. Merry Christmas to you as well
Side note: I hope to have the next chapter of my story out sometime next week.
While the objection may be technically accurate, and I don't really have a clue. I don't think there are a large number of the readers who would know one way or the other. It seems to work and you like the way it feels so keep using them.
Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects
Grammar Score: 8
Pros: All OC story with the exception of Celestia, so no chance of excessive OOC of canon characters
Very show-like quality to the story-telling
Author's history knowledge-base provides great authenticity to the technology of the what would be Dark Ages Equestria
Cons: Some of the OCs are better developed than the others, and it is clear which are which
Some story points are predictable
Sometimes, a lack of indicators on who is speaking can cause one to lose their place in dialouge scenes
Notes: The only really heavy area I can see that would need extra care and attention would be character development. While in this point in the story, the OCs all have defined characteristics, some are only that while others have more fleshed out personalities and quirks.
Keep up the good work!
Just popped up to review your story...and wow, its a big 'un. I'll post up a review once I have read it.
Edit—I have to say, however, that the synopsis is quite fascinating. I'd probably have read it regardless.
1866049 Don't forget the "This Review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors" header (with the link)
Those certain OCs will be developed rapidly and hahaha, I'll get those dialogue tags sorted out.
1866128 Glad to see the group's system is working! Thanks for putting it on your list!
I have only read the first 5 chapters so far, but I want to get this review done and out of the way before I do something stupid like forgeting about it.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects
Grammar score out of 10: 8—I found it well writen. there was the occasional sentance that dragged on for to long, and a dew dropped commas, but nothing major. Celestia's way of speaking in particular is very well done.
Pros:
You have created an intersting set of OC's
I can feel Celestia's—and your other characters—emotions
The subject matter—the building of Canterlot—is an intersting and intriguing framing device
Cons
The odd sentance feels longwinded and hard to read, but its not common enough to disrupt the story
You introduced the OC's rather fast, I didn't really feel I had the time to get to know them. I assume that is sorted in later chapters, however.
You have chosen some rather exotic names for some of your OC's, and its a little hard to follow them. Its also quite jaring when you have a name like Byzas next to a name like Golden Triangle.
Notes Section:
Overall, a solid fic. Lots of OC's make it a bit daunting, but they are intersting enough to ignore that. The use of the Royal We is, to my best knowledge, implemented well. A few, barely noticable, slip ups on grammar, but not enough to worry about. And your characters feel alive as well, always a mark of a good fic.
I know you have already reviewed one of my fics, but feel free to check out my other stuff. I recommend Irredeemable.
1872025 Thanks for the review... in fact I was wondering about changing the royal we and thou usage because I just found out that it's technically inaccurate (it's bad Elizabethan English), but I think now that I'll keep it... i'm too far into the story.
1872347
Well, that shows what I know about Elizebethan grammar. Still, incorect or not, its very flavourful. I would keep it, unless you really want it to be accurate.
1872352 Probably going to keep it, but if the EQD pre-reader i'm talking to for clarification dings me then I'm switching it around. For some reason the pre-reader who asked me to re-submit says they are anticipating my re-submission, guess that's a good thing, but I'm going to have to bug them a lot to get some kinks out.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects
Grammar score out of 10: 8.5
Pros: (Explained in more depth in the Notes section)
- An interesting and unique concept
- Well written and characterised OCs
- Pretty nice portrayal of Celestia
Cons:
- Missed out a fair number of capital letters for pronouns. Namely things like 'Sun', 'Moon' and 'Your Highness'
- A few missing commas where they are needed. Also, try using a dash in sentences where more commas would make it confusing. For instance, instead of, say: 'He went and talked to me, Dan, purveyor of spoons, forks, and occasionally knives, about the missing socks.' Try using: 'He went and talked to me—Dan, purveyor of spoons, forks, and occasionally knives—about the missing socks.'
- In reference to Byzas, even though he is talking really fast, the same grammar rules apply to him as anyone else. When he speaks, he should still have spaces after commas and ellipses, and the rapidity of his speech should be done in other ways, such as in the dialogue tags, or some other descriptor, like the speed of his mouth moving as he speaks.
Notes Section:
I'm a fan of any story that gives Celestia more depth than the show does, and you do it excellently. You manage to give off her opinons and emotions without explicitly stating them, which is always good. I know as well as anyone who's attempted to do a story with multiple OCs (though I gave up rather promptly) that it's pretty hard to, not only give each character their own personalities, but to keep them different and distinguisable from each other based soley upon their mannerisms. And you've done this nicely, so kudos for that. I've given this a like, and I wish you luck with your writings.
I hope this review has been somewhat useful to you, and I would really appreciate it if you could check out my story: Oldnew Luna
Dan
1886454 Thanks for the review! Please like and fav?
1886563 Sure, I was going to, but I kinda got caught up in the proofreader docs.
1886568 Thanks for the fav and like!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects
Grammar score out of 10: 7
Pros
A very intersting take on Celestia
Funny at times
Cons (list three cons)
Transitions, transitions, transitions. You need to add a few more lines between paragraphs when you make your transitions, because otherwise they're a bit jarring. This is especially true for your author's notes (which could also be bolded to signify that they're not part of the story)
Typos were prevelent in the first half (read the entire thing) I sent a list of those to your PM box.
The names come across as jarring and hard to follow, if I'm completely honest, and this isn't helped by the OCs being a bit hard to differentiate at times. The only one who ever stuck out in my mind was the stallion from th desert
Notes Section (done in a point-by-point manner, for ease of reading)
Before you say anything about the fact that I only gave two pros, that's how many I saw on your review of my story, so that's all I'm giving (I give what I recieve)
Overall Celestia came off as a very interesting character here, and very much what you would expect her to be at the time
You do know how to make a funny moment
My biggest problem with the OCs is that not enough tome is spent developing and differentiating them, so they all blend together in my mind, making the story hard to follow at times, not helped by their slightly jarring names
Along with the typos are some awkward word choices at times, along with weird sentence structure. All of this is in the PM I sent you (My rule, by the way, is if I'm going to call you out on typos, I'm going to point them all out, so you can actually see what's wrong. Much more helpful than just saying there's a lot of typos, IMO)
I'll also not add a link to my own story, because you've already reviewed it.
1887958 I understand totally. Thanks for the review though. This does make me wonder how I might flesh the OC's out... the problem is that if I develop all of them at once well I'd never get to the plot so I kind of provided a rough introduction of sorts. I'll work on the pargraphs later. Thanks!
Whoops, I just realized I put my review on chapter fourteen before reading fifteen
1894841 Tis fine. Thanks for the review and fav!
1901876 Thanks for the like, fav and review! If you're still hungry for reviewing, I recommend you looking at my co-admin Inky Jay's Marks of Harmony. It's a long one, but it's good. Any fics you want me to read?
1901876 and then I realized you read it. Try Journey to Equestria by Aldrigold in our folders.
1906925 Thanks for the review and you're doing fine.
If you have trouble finding cons, look at the other comments for any cons they point out and write your opinion on whether they are valid or not. I'll get to your story tomorrow. If by any chance I do forget due to my absent mindedness, PM me :D
1894810 If you wanna keep reviewing , please take a look throught he folders at lower rated fics that have no review on them. Thanks!