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Applejack and Rainbow Dash have gotten so far and have made so much progress in their relationship that they both believe that it's time to become a 100% legitimate family. They both want a child, they both wish to be mothers...
but neither of them want to be the Mother
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You do know that this is fan fiction right? you can do whatever the F*** you want, don't like the pairing you are writing take it out of the equation.
Plus Flash is a joke character only there to hit on Twilight whenever she is in the human universe and nothing more.
Sorry about that, like you'r self i'm no big fan of the guy, but anyways lets talk story.
It was good, i personally could not find any mistakes with it. I'll give you a 8/10. Not perfect but something i would consider reading again and recommending to my friends.
Have a good day sir-and-or-madam
~Tobben
They both want 2 B the Pama ?
5966368 No they both ended up being to "Pama"
5966399 Do you know what a "Pama" is ?
5966448 Not a clue... Did you mean to type "Mama"?
Good job! It struck a good balance between serious and comedy, everyone was well characterised and dat twist dos! All in all.....
SEQUAL NOW
5966594 In do time, there will be a sequel. In do time.
I... fear that I can't support the praise given by some other comments already. It's a short story with an admittedly funny idea... and then, the ancient evil rises: 'but'.
First off, a little hunt for mistakes would be great. Found some here and there. Nothing too bad, but still too many for such a short story.
What really bugged me, were two things. One: You rushed quite a lot. It's a short story, okay, I got that. Still, some more exposition wouldn't have hurt either. A lot of those first lines sounded like 'let's get this done quick and get to the juicy parts already!'
What's worse - the main problem I see here - is the characterization. Rainbow Dash admitting her deep love for AJ? She sure feels it, but would The One And Only Rainbow Danger Dash really admit that? Rainbow also always praised and cherished her independence. And while talking to herself in front of a mirror - first sign of insanity...! Nah, just joking -, she reminds herself that she gave her word to... to do everything AJ asks of her? Don't get me wrong, that's probably just something about the phrasing, but that does sound a lot like slavery or giving up free will in some way.
Then there's their moment of giving in. Both admit they were wrong. The day after. Because they thought about it. Really hard. Maybe AJ isn't as stubborn as she was back in season one. She always was the most reasonable. Maybe RD isn't as stubborn as her either. But that still seems way too... smooth. Too fast.
Next would be Twilight. I can see both AJ and RD running to her in an ill-thought attempt to do good, although I would've guessed that AJ would be, once again, the more reasonable who thinks everything over again. What I can't see though, ever, is Twilight firing a pregnancy spell right away at somepony acting in the heat of a moment - TWICE. She's the nerdy, sometimes shy, always-trying-to-understand, diplomatic bookworm. She would try to bring them together, so they can talk things out. She would try to reason with both. She would try to give advice. Something like 'find our way and come back for the spell as soon as you're both ready and sure about that'. That... just wasn't Twi.
Aaand I despise Flash. Sorry dude, no love from me. Then again, I didn't consider his appearance while criticising, since that's more of a question of personal taste.
As I stated in the beginning, there was a funny idea in there. Your portrayal of the involved characters was off, though.
I'm sorry.
5966913 While you're criticism was good, you fail to remember that in the Author's note, I stated I nearly gagged at the mention of Flash. I hate the character too, I was just trying my hand at getting out of my comfort zone.
So thank you for the criticism. I'll take it into consideration for the sequel. Not just that, but I'll leave this criticism up just so that people can see it. Why? Because, I live by a simple quote that Walt Disney said.
-Walt Disney
5967113
I somehow feel like I should thank you for letting my comment linger around, but at the same time, my mind keeps telling me that this shouldn't be anything one should have to thank someone for... it's rather confusing.
Anyway, it's always appreciated. Not being met with pitchforks and torches just because I'm not stating that everything's perfect and stuff.
Regarding Flash... yeah, I admit, I sort of just... didn't saw that. Heh. Sorry.
I can't really... I don't know. Take him seriously. He's... not more of a character in the show than any other background-pony. He's just there for the sake of being there, he never got any spotlight, characterization, anything at all. I never saw the movies, I'm just not interested in them, but as I understand it, he's sort of a completely underdeveloped, out-of-the-blue-coming Gary Stue, lovable and nice and everybody's darling, just there for the sake of being the forced love interest for Twilight.
I don't know who had the idea of putting that dude up, of implementing that idea. It was a pretty bad one, though, and a rather obvious bad one, too. With traits like that, such a background, such a forced story and all those convenient circumstances, it's just nearly-impossible to build up any sympathy for that guy.
And he hasn't grown a more important character in the actual show either, naaah, he's never even really mentioned.
There's that.
Done with ranting about that guy. Sorry.
5966462 A Pama would be a mare that changes into a stallion, gets her wife pregnant, then changes back into a mare.
Tho in your story it would be the mare that wasn't pregnant.
ask Stardust00
Haha!!! I totally knew this was going to happen!!! It's much funnier to see it written though! Loved it!
5967113 What about me ?
p.s. I'm sorry.
Lol out of context that's quite the statement.
An interesting little story.
XD When I read the description, I was going nuts!
Heh, heh, this will be fun.....
OH. MY. PINKIE SENSE. They're mothers! WOO! Please write more!
The entire section about the legalities needs to be removed. In part because it isn't really needed or relevant, but mostly because it contradicted itself several times and was just a cluster-fuck in general.
Well, if it was just legalized then it had to be illegal before that. To legalize something is to make it legal, the opposite of illegal. This is what is called a binary solution, there are two possibilities and it must be one of the two.
Wait, what? No it was illegal... because you just said it was illegal. Not merely 'frowned upon' but illegal, because otherwise it would have been impossible to change its status to legal. Fine, whatever, we will just ignore the first part about legalizing it and say it wasn't in fact illegal in the first place.
Enforce what rule?! You just finished saying there had never been a rule! Like farting in an elevator, there is no rule/law against it but it's frowned upon!
Ok, exception to what? The non existing law against gay marriage? Furthermore saying 'you can only get married in this one small town because we disapprove of your totally legal but social unpopular mate' isn't really a compromise... or rational... or anything other than random and insane.
So it was illegal then? Because the way this is set up here isn't really how 'law' works. It is either local law or national law. If these things are local then "Equestria" didn't make it legal in Ponyville as a compromise because Ponyville did that on its own and the marriage isn't valid once they leave town. If it is national law then it is legal everywhere and they don't need to go to Ponyville. Furthermore something doesn't get legalized at the national level because it is convenient for a single small town, as you mentioned.
In summary, that section has NO relevance to the "Aj and RD want a foal but neither wants to carry it" plot of this story. In fact the entire thing feels like a terribly executed attempt at shoehorning in a political message. One which is so mangled I can't even tell which side you are on. What next? A fluffy story about the CMC playing with a puppy with a random paragraph about how 'smoking is bad'? Or good? Again, I couldn't tell.
6037750 media.giphy.com/media/zOVjALkVxHElO/giphy.gif
And?
I'll give you this friend, you took the time to write a speech about a fanfiction that was simply a side project. I applaud you.
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I need sequel before ded
This story opens with an exposition dump of a lot of telling and not enough showing. it would be much stronger if the relationship between Rainbow Dash and Applejack was characterized to the reader via their present condition and through their interactions with one another rather than in expository statements of fact.
A thorough technical editing pass is also needed throughout to catch various grammatical errors (such as phrases like 'more cloudier' and the use of the wrong your vs. you're).
Some of the attempts at generating emotional impact here (such as when Rainbow Dash tells Twilight that she'll volunteer to be the one who gets pregnant and then sheds a single tear) come off as flat and artificially forced, and neither in character nor something that readers are built up into enough investment in a character to really make the reader feel it themselves. It's just sort of awkwardly there.
There also some more general content editing issues with some dialogue that doesn't sound quite right coming from some characters, and characters doing things that seem really out of place for them (I'm looking at you, Twilight, and your almost malicious seeming failure to inform whichever of them came to you second that their partner was already pregnant and that they should go back and discuss this further rather than causing a completely unprepared for simultaneous second pregnancy).
And finally, this ends with no real resolution. One real wallop of a conflict is set up, then the narrative just... cuts off there. This isn't satisfying, it's the opposite of the satisfaction and sense of some form of closure concerning the primary conflict that a good story should offer the reader. This feels like it should be just the first chapter in a much longer piece of work that goes a lot further into exploring the obviously unexpected and challenging situation that's just been created for Applejack and Rainbow Dash.
Who's Flash? I don't recall seeing an oc tagged as a charictar
Sequel. NOW.
Well, AJ did say she wanted a big family...
6765936
I second the motion!
That ensing thoug!