Chapter 11: Satisfaction
Chapter 11 – Satisfaction
Bella snuggled on her side, with Silver's back pressing into her belly. Spooning had always been Silver's favorite way to cuddle. They'd been lying there for hours, but neither of them had made the slightest move to get up, not even to escape the now-cold wet spot on the bed. It was too comfortable, too wonderful a moment to ever end.
She stroked her hoof through Silver's mane, lazily straightening it out from its disarray.
Silver gave a soft, humming moan and pressed herself tighter against Bella. Her mane fell away, exposing the back of her neck.
Bella gasped. A big purple bruise sprawled just below Silver's head. “Spoony?”
“Mm-hm?” Silver rubbed her cheek against Bella's foreleg.
“That bruise on your neck ... is it...?”
Silver tensed, the muscles of her back going hard and stiff.
“Spoony?”
She breathed a long, drawn-out sigh. “He was shoving me down on himself ... really hard.”
“Silver!”
“No!” Rolling over, Silver stared into Bella's eyes. Her burning intensity didn't invite any argument. “You can't do anything. You promised!”
Bella sighed. “Okay.” She held Silver close for a long, quiet while, but inside, she was scheming. There has to be some way I can get him to stop. It isn't right.
“What are you going to do with the baby?”
What if Spoony doesn't want it? Bella blanched at the prospect of choosing between her foal and her lover ... but there was no way around it. They'd have to talk sometime. “Well, ah... I'm not sure,” she fibbed. “Maybe I'll keep it?” I don't want to sound sure about it. I couldn't bear to get in a fight about it now.
“Hmm.” Silver squeezed in closer laying a hoof across Bella's side. “Good.”
Bella let out the breath she'd been holding.
“I've actually always had kind of a secret fantasy about it,” Silver admitted. “Having a family with you, but it was always impossible.”
Bella giggled.
“It happened a little sooner than I would have liked.”
Bella's giggling cut off. “Oh ... um, sorry.”
“It's okay.” Silver smiled. “We're going to be just fine ... and I'll enjoy being Second Mommy.”
⁂
Stupid scratchy bushes. This wasn't the best hideout spot Diamond Tiara had ever used. It wasn't the worst, either. But it was still awful.
She peeked out. Silver Spoon's house was still and quiet, but she knew they must still be inside. It wasn't as big and nice as her house, but what house was? Nothing in this two-horse town.
She wished they would come out already. She had another beauty pageant to win later this evening, and if her 'doing the right thing will always be rewarded' dad got wind of what she was up to, he'd never shut up about it.
Ducking back down, she fondled the controls of her camera. Wonderfully diabolical plots swirled in her head. “Leave me all alone again, will you?” She chuckled darkly. “We'll just see about that, Silver Spork. When I'm through with you and that little slut of yours, you'll never—”
“Diamond Dazzle Tiara!”
Diamond jumped. Leaves and pokey twigs jabbed into her, but she spun around to face whoever was foolish enough to—
Vinyl Scratch scowled down at her hiding spot.
Her! Diamond wasn't sure how, but she knew that pony was involved in this somehow. She'd have to do something about her, too. Shaking the leaves out of her mane as gracefully as possible, she stepped out of the bushes and right into Vinyl's face. “And what do you—”
“Don't even start.” Vinyl moved in closer. “If you do anything – anything at all – to my daughter or her marefriend, I'm going to title my next tour 'Diamond Tiara is a Whiny Little Bitch', got it?”
Her daughter? But Silver's mother was dead. And that threat... Cold spikes of fear dug into her, but she knew how to deal with that. She laughed harshly. It was ridiculous. It was—
“You won't be laughing when all of Equestria makes 'Whiny Little Bitch' your new nickname.”
Goddess, that pony was serious! Diamond gulped. “Oh yeah, well I'll—”
“You'll what?” Vinyl scowled at her.
“Um...” It had been so clear a moment ago.
Vinyl stomped, coming in closer. Their noses almost touched. “Got it?”
All Diamond could see was her own reflection in those big, colored glasses. She nodded.
With a smirk, Vinyl turned away. “Good – remember it, and leave those two alone.”
Diamond felt sick. Seriously sick, like she might barf. She wanted to get back, to lash out. Her instincts screamed for retribution ... but that fear came back, a crippling fear, a fear she hadn't felt since her first pageant. She couldn't risk humiliation on that kind of scale. That DJ was crazy. She'd do it.
This was a new feeling, and Diamond didn't like it, not one bit.
⁂
The sun was already sinking when Bella came home. It was always weird when the days started getting so short.
She opened the door and darted inside, eager to get out of the cold.
Arpeggio stood inside, holding his old brown suitcase in his magic. “... I'll look for him, Dear, and I'll write if I find out anything.”
Bella closed the door behind her. “You're off to Canterlot again?”
He nodded and glanced away, biting his lip ... but then he turned back and smiled.
Smiling back, Bella enjoyed the moment. For once, she didn't resent him leaving. She knew he cared, and that was all that mattered.
He hugged her on the way out, then ducked through the door and rushed off.
He must be late for the train. Bella stared out through the window even after he passed out of view. Weird. He's never late.
“Is that you?” Lemon stepped out of the kitchen. As soon as she saw Bella, she ran out and hugged her tight. “Oh thank goodness you're alright! I was so worried!”
“Huh?” She was home a little later than usual for a school day, but it shouldn't have been anything to worry about. “What's wrong?”
“Have you seen your brother anywhere?”
“No, why?”
Lemon's hooves couldn't hold still. She trotted in place. “He's been missing all day! A lot of his things are gone, and when I talked to Applejack, she said she'd seen him getting on the morning train! And then I checked at the school, and you weren't there either!” She wrapped Bella in another suffocatingly tight hug. “I was so worried!”
Bella blinked slowly, vacantly hugging her mom back. “Oh... Wow.” It was hard to absorb. “He's gone?” They might have had a rough relationship lately, but Ruby had always been there for her, always been a friend to hang out with.
Finally letting go, Lemon went right back to her nervous jitters. “Nopony knows where he went! He didn't tell anypony where he was going.” She winced and looked at the door as if she expected him to walk through it at any moment. “We don't even know where to look, what town to go to.”
Staring at the window, Bella absently laid a hoof on Lemon's shoulder to comfort her. “Huh...” I wonder if it had anything to do with me...
⁂
Come on, come out! Bella shivered, waiting in the narrow side street next to Ponyville Savings and Loan. I really should have brought a coat.
It was past eight already, according to the clock tower, but Silver Platter still hadn't come out. The upstairs light was on in the building, though. He had to still be in there.
Shaking herself, Bella tried to ignore the chill. The night was clear and breezy, and stars twinkled overhead. Somehow, they always seemed closer when it was cold outside.
Why hasn't he come out yet? All the other bank workers had gone home already, but it was apparently a late night at the office for Silver Platter.
Finally, the window went dark. A few excruciatingly slow moments later, the side door opened and Silver Platter stepped out. He wrapped a grey scarf a few shades lighter than his coat around his neck and slicked back his mane before turning around and carefully locking the door.
Bella crept toward him, totally silent.
When he turned back around, he jumped away from her with a shout. “Who are— Oh. It's you.”
“You are never going to touch Silver Spoon again.”
He raised an eyebrow. Though he was slightly shorter than her, he seemed to lean over her. “Are you threatening me?”
“No... I prefer to think of it as blackmail.” Bella allowed herself a wicked little grin.
His eyes narrowed and his bottom lip curled. “Spoon will never come out publicly, and with my sterling reputation, nopony will believe your outlandish accusations.”
“I'm not talking about what you've done to Silver Spoon.”
He pulled back, looking at her sideways, then shook his head. “I don't have time for this rubbish. Step aside.”
Bella took a step forward, seizing the space he'd given her. “I'm talking about what you did to me. You raped me. And now I'm carrying your foal.”
“Preposterous!” His eyes went wide and his mouth sputtered soundlessly. “I – I did no such thing!”
Bella had to stop herself from laughing at him. And that's what it looks like when a liar is finally telling the truth for once. She settled for letting her lugubrious grin widen. “Prove it.” Moving closer, she whispered into his ear, “What's that sterling reputation going to look like when you get done denying that in public?”
“You wouldn't dare.”
“Try me.” Bella didn't give him an inch. “I'd do anything to protect my Spoony.”
He grimaced, and his eyes darted from side to side. His breathing became the loudest sound in the street. “This is slander! When my lawyer hears about this you'll—”
“I don't care. I want your hooves off my marefriend!”
Shaking his head, he calmed himself until he stood perfectly still. His cold, dead eyes glared into her. “I will ruin you.”
I'm already ruined. Do your worst. She stared him down. “Not a hoof on her, understand? ... And this can go away.” Goddess, I hope this works. Bella didn't have a 'plan B'. If this didn't work, who knew what might happen... She could barely breathe, and she fervently hoped Silver Platter couldn't see her legs shaking.
A flurry of different emotions played across his face – it twisted with rage one moment, and blanched with fear the next. At one point, he even looked heartbroken... Finally, though, the storm blew over and he slumped for a long moment, silent as the night around him. “Very well.”
“Good.” Bella gave him a genuine smile before turning away. “Don't forget this. Not a single touch.” It might not keep him off of her for long, but every day he doesn't do something to her is a blessing. She just hoped it would be enough to keep him away until Silver could move somewhere else. School would be over soon, and so would Silver Platter's hold on her.
⁂
Bella had never known a birthday this warm before. They always seemed to come on the dreariest day of late fall, but this time – thanks to a freak warm spell – she could almost think it was the middle of summer, despite the yellowed leaves rustling around her hooves.
She glanced around as she came up to the cafe, just down the street from that fateful nightclub she visited nearly a year ago. All the outside tables were already full of ponies enjoying this one last break before winter.
Before long, though, she spotted Vinyl and Lemon waving her over to a table with a couple of empty chairs and a booster seat set up.
Trotting over to the table, she took a moment to give each of her moms a quick hug.
“Glad you could make it, Birthday Girl.” Vinyl patted her back. “How's Crave been doing while I was on tour?”
Before Bella could answer, Lemon cut in, “Oh, he's been an absolute darling. Silver Spoon should be bringing him by any minute now. The poor little dear was in the middle of a nap.”
“Darling?” Bella took a seat across from them. “You haven't had to wake up in the middle of the night to nurse the little brat!”
Giving an exaggerated sigh, Lemon rolled her eyes. “Well, if you would just let me bottle feed...”
Vinyl snickered at the look Bella gave Lemon.
“Oh—” Lemon pointed away and began waving a hoof in the air “—there she is now.”
Turning around in her seat, Bella spotted her marefriend carrying Heart Crave in a saddlebag papoose. Silver Spoon had blossomed in the past year. Her eyes and coat had a brand new shine to them, and she walked with an easy confidence that was no longer faked.
When she came up to the table, Silver gave Bella a quick kiss.
It still sent tingles through Bella that she could kiss Silver out in public in front of everypony. Somehow, it made what they had more solid, more real. She picked Crave off of Silver's back and kissed him on the forehead. He giggled.
As Lemon helped Bella wrestle the little yellow and blue colt into his highchair and strap him in, Silver watched, smiling. “He's been pretty good today. I think he's just showing off for his grandmas now.” She paused while they finished buckling him in. “And happy sixteenth, Bella.”
Smoothing her mane down, Bella shrugged. “It's my anniversary of meeting my mom, too.”
Vinyl laughed loudly.
Everypony looked over at her. “What's so funny?” Silver asked.
“A pony's birthday is always the anniversary of meeting her mom!”
Silver snickered. “Oh yeah. You're right. Good one, Grandma.”
Vinyl's face pinched at that last word.
Bella giggled too. “And thanks, all of you, for taking me out to lunch.”
“Of course.” Lemon smiled at her and shot a playful look to the side. “Besides, Vinyl's paying.”
“What?” Vinyl's mouth dropped open.
Before anypony could laugh, an elegantly mustached unicorn approached the table. “Ah, is everyone present now? May I take your orders?”
“Ooh, I'd love a marigold sandwich on a poppy seed bun, thank you!” Lemon blurted out.
Bella glanced at her as Silver buried her nose in the menu.
Lemon shrugged. “I've been waiting for a while.”
“And you, Miss?” The waiter looked at Vinyl.
“Okay...” Vinyl began moving her hoof down the menu like it was a checklist. “Two oat burgers, extra cheese; a daffodil platter; two orders of hay fries, one with honey mustard and the other with hot sauce; three apple fritters, extra crispy; and a large...”
Everypony was staring at her.
“... diet hay soda.” Vinyl glanced back and forth at them as the waiter frantically scribbled down her order. “Hey, being on stage takes a lot out of a pony.”
Lemon laughed first, and the others soon joined her.
Finally, the waiter finished taking down Vinyl's order. He looked to Silver. “Are you ready, Madam?”
“Just a minute,” Silver said, still poring over the menu.
“I'll take an apple and mandarin salad, thank you.” Bella set the menu down in front of her.
“Really, that's it?” Vinyl asked.
Her cheeks burning a little, Bella glanced away. “Well, I've almost got my figure back after being pregnant. I don't want to blow it now.”
Silver put the menu down. “Um... okay.” When the waiter turned to her, she wrapped a hoof around Bella. “I'll take what she's having.”
“Very good. I'll be back shortly.” The waiter trotted away.
Lemon stared down at the mushroom-shaped table, sinking into a slump. “So... No cake later for the Birthday Girl?”
Baby fat or not, I can't let her suffer like that! “Well, maybe a little cake.”
It didn't seem to cheer her up, though.
“What's wrong?” Vinyl put a hoof on her shoulder.
“It's nothing.” After glancing around the table, Lemon gave in to their concerned looks. “It's just that it reminded me of when Ruby disappeared.”
“Oh don't worry about him,” Vinyl said. “I know the type – ponies like him always get lucky breaks somehow. I bet he owns half of Fillydelphia or something by now.”
Lemon gave a weak laugh. “Yeah. I guess.”
“You bet on it.” Vinyl leaned over and pulled her into a sideways hug, which seemed to ease Lemon' mood, then she looked over at Bella. “So, my tour's coming to Ponyville in a couple weeks. You wanna come? I'll take you backstage to where the real party goes down.”
Bella had to bite her lip for a moment to stop herself. “I, uh... I'm sorry. I can't go.”
“What?” Vinyl glanced around, as if looking for the reason. She cringed, looking more than a little betrayed. “Why not?”
Bella looked at Silver, and Vinyl glanced back and forth between them, her eyebrows furrowing.
Silver grinned and melted down into her chair a little. “You can go. I'll watch Crave.”
“What?” Bella blinked repeatedly. “What about our...”
“You can go if you stay with Vinyl the whole time.” Silver glanced over at Vinyl, and her smile grew.
Jumping up out of her chair, Bella latched onto Silver. She'd never felt so warm and bubbly inside. From his highchair, Crave giggled at her and clapped his hooves together.
Silver barely reacted. She only laid a hoof across Bella's back, and she kept looking at Vinyl. “You can keep an eye on her, right?” She squeezed Bella tight. “And make sure she comes home with some stamina left, okay?”
“You bet I can!” Vinyl grinned wide.
When Silver kissed her on the forehead and let go of her, Bella pulled herself back up into her chair. “I'm glad I have such a badass marefriend!”
“Bella!” Lemon shot her a look.
“Oh.” Bella laughed. “And a badass family, too!”
“No!” Lemon covered her face. “Bella, Crave's going to be learning his first words soon. You shouldn't use curse words around him!”
Bella waved a hoof at her. “Oh come on. It'll be fine. My little Heart Crave is a perfect—”
“Badass!”
Everypony stared at the baby, which caused him to go into a giggling fit.
Bella grinned so wide her cheeks hurt. “My kid is gonna be awesome!”
The End
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I've worked in a couple cafes. This happens more often than you think. Some fat-ass walks in orders an "extra everything" meal with a diet drink. Who the fuck are you trying to kid, tubby
6009392
It's too much fun to pass up.
Hey, maybe that's what her Mark is for...
"All right, who let Ditzy write the weather schedule?"
I enjoyed a lot about this fic. There were a few too many issues I had to give it an upvote, but it was an interesting story.
a supper good story.
and a good read.
This story might not have gotten the recognition you worked for but I thoroughly enjoyed it myself, thank you.
I...The End...what????
I...think I need a minute to collect myself.
6009606
Heh. I'm not blaming all freak weather events in Ponyville on Derpy.
6009633
Huh.
Care to elucidate what those issues were? That helps me avoid them in the future.
6009765
Thanks! ^.^
What part did you like best?
6010136
Thanks. ^.^
And it feature-boxed, so that's something, right?
Ah well. Lots of work, not much reward. But that happens sometimes, and I've been luckier than most, I suppose.
6015330
All things must end.
6015431 Indeed. It's just, well, it just seemed like the fic was really starting to hit its rhythm. Honestly, reading the beginning of chapter 11, I really thought what I was reading was our bridge into the second act of the story. I couldn't wait to see how Silver Platter would retaliate to Bella's brashness, or what would happen to Diamond (or, for that matter, Vinyl), following their initial confrontation. I was totally hyped by Vinyl's treatment there, too, she suddenly showed this whole new BAMF side that I wanted to see more of. Not to mention what Ruby was up to, and how they would find him, or at least, what would happen searching for him. Would he come back redeemed, or did he just OD and die? The struggles that Bella and Silver might have adjusting to her increasingly obvious pregnancy and the things it may remind her of. But...then we just skipped a year and...happily ever after? Granted, if I'd been paying attention, I'd have noticed that it hit the 30k words you promised, and obviously is indicated as complete.
I don't know. I feel like there is so much more story to be told here. Or, that could have been told.
One question still lingers in my mind, and I accept that I may have read too quickly and missed it. In chapter one, there is a distinct time-shift, where we go to the beginning of Bella and Silver's relationship. Did we return to that notion of "present" at some point and I simply missed it, or....well, or what?
Oh, and I still think this needs a [Dark] tag.
6015431
Honestly, I just didn't care much for the plot progression. I felt like there was too little resolution for clearly traumatic issues for pretty much every character. In some ways, a lot of the characters fell rather flat. While I enjoyed the premise and most of how the fic played out, I felt that the epilogue in particular was rather a dull ending.
We get the seemingly happy ending, Silver and Bella together and raising the foal, but although Bella's problems are mostly resolved, there isn't any really touching on Silver Spoon's, not even in terms of the psychological effects of abuse.
I also felt that Diamond Tiara being scared off by Vinyl felt a little off, with Vinyl appearing out of nowhere as dues ex machina and causing a rather clunky scene.
Overall, I wish there were more emotional developments throughout the fic in terms of characters other than Bella and Vinyl. While those two are clearly the focus, by introducing enticingly broken characters like Silver Spoon, Diamond Tiara, Arpeggio, and Silver Platter and never really touching on their thoughts or growth/regression as characters, it feels like the story is left unfinished.
As an aside, I also thought it was shame that you didn't choose to include Octavia. I think that having an Octavia around to help push Vinyl and Bella together as well as to use Vinyl/Octavia as a dichotomous relationship in comparison to Bella/Silver, which would have allowed Bella to realize her mistakes on her own rather than it being pushed on her through dialogue, thus improving the flow of the fic itself.
6015533
Huh.
Well, duly noted. ^.^
And yes, after that flashback, we go back to normal time in the beginning of the next chapter.
6015542
Thanks for that! ^.^
And I can see those now.
6015431
that is a easy answer all of it. I think you code have made a much longer story out of it vary Easley.
I only really have one thing to say.
sequel.
Harts Fire
6015891
Well, I could have made it longer, perhaps... but not easily. Nothing about this story was easy -- I've been working on it for over a year, after all.
6056193
Ooh, is that chapter-by-chapter feedback I see?
This is the best thing ever!
6056428
An excellent way to decompress from something so serious! ^.^
So, I read this all in a single sitting, including the optional content in it's proper place.
For those who haven't read the story, this review will contain spoilers.
I came into this story because I'm generally interested in anything Ocalhoun writes. That this story took a year of work, and had an entire team working on it to get it polished had me interested. I happen to like some of the characters tagged in the story, and I was willing to set aside reservations about an OC main character. I'm also not one to shy away from mature topics as long as they're handled maturely. Again, I trust the author to do so.
If I had to pick just one positive thing to say about the story, it is that there are quite a few really vivid scenes. Descriptions were plentiful without bogging things down. It never felt like the narrator was pausing the story to explain what something looked like. All in all, I'd say this is a pretty solid example of why showing is important.
I'm not limited to just one, so allow me to continue. The central plot to the story is an interesting one that involves a lot of players. Bella Rave and Silver Spoon may be the main characters, but all the supporting characters are important to the story. Diamond Tiara and Silver Platter work like cogs to tell Silver Spoon's side of things, while Vinyl Scratch, Ruby Sheen, Arpeggio, and Lemon Hearts all build up Bella's character. The dynamic between Bella and Vinyl, in particular, was fairly compelling.
Another hallmark of a good story is that the conflict matters. Despite being an OC, I did somewhat care for the issues Bella went through. That she piled a lot of misery upon herself is believable, and I was at least curious how things would play out til the end. There were a few points where I felt she probably deserved what she got, but I was sold on her contrition, and the eventual forgiveness felt earned.
On to the technical stuff. Unlike most stories, I actually have quite a lot to say on this part. The fact that one of the things I knew most about this story going in was the amount of work put into it, it seems appropriate to spend a fair amount of time going over that work.
For starters, grammar was great. Honestly, with the amount of work and help put into this fic, I'd be highly disappointed if there were still glaring issues. As hinted at above, the story didn't jar me out of scenes due to poor grammar, typos, misspelling, and so on.
As for the decision to separate the two clop scenes into another story/appendix, and the content that remained in the story proper, I'm left confused. I understand some other stories have used this... trick? to finesse the rating system to try to have your cake and eat it too. I think it was a poor idea, but as this is a complicated subject, it will take some words to explain why properly.
This story really needs the [Dark] tag. I'm not really sure I understand why it is missing. The story deals with drugs, underage pregnancy, child abuse, mentions rape, and has several instances of blackmail. This story is dark. That tag is the central tag to what this story is. You're aware of this and "tag" these things in your warning.
Further, I'd even go so far as to question that this manages to remain [Teen]. Several chapters in the story-main contain content that leaves very little to the imagination as to what just happened or what is about to happen. Silver being beaten by her dad cuts off before any explicit penetration happens, but there is mention of his member becoming aroused. Later in chapter 11, cuddling in a wet spot. Before that, in 10a, as well as several other points in the story, Bella and/or Silver's flirtiness or checking each other out seems borderline. Lifting tail and showing off what is underneath may not use terms for the anatomy being displayed, but it is still the equivalent of depicting the characters exposing themselves to each other.
I'm not sure it should be bumped to mature, but I could see an argument for that being made. For my purposes, just pointing out that it is much closer to that border of the teen rating than the border with [Everyone] I think we can agree on.
The violence itself may lack explicit gore, but is certainly above what we see in the cartoons. Rainbow Dash's broken wing in Read It and Weep just looks crooked and spends most of the episode in bandages. We don't get a blow-by-blow depiction of how she got the injury. Other cases of violence such as the fighting with changelings in ACW, or Twilight's throwdown with Tirek all are cartoony, and don't dwell on the injury side of it. I'd say there is a case for Teen-level [Gore] tagging, or perhaps just simply more weight to the upgrade to Mature.
Now, back to the decision to split off the outright clop bits. Why? The rest of the story, without those bits, is still pretty borderline. Those scenes do serve a purpose in this story, particularly the first one. Even removing those parts doesn't make for a "wholesome" story with sunshine and rainbows. If someone is put off by the mature content... then they likely were put off by what else is in this story. I don't think you dodged any audience targets with the move. Furthermore, the clop scenes by themselves don't really work as a standalone story, so anyone wishing to just read them... isn't getting a very fulfilling clop story-experience either. Again, the description for that "story" reflects that you're well aware of that.
Honestly, I think you would have just done better to stick to what you wrote, marked it mature, and consolidated all the material into one proper story. That way you wouldn't forcibly break immersion for the readers having to deal with the mechanics of the split, and you could just rely on your audience being interested in the mature story you're telling.
The bad.
Where to begin?
The characters felt flat. We spent most of our time with Bella, and saw most of the world through her eyes. She was fine. Silver Spoon, despite the weight of subject she brought to the story, felt more like an object than a person. Her problem mostly served as something for Bella to fuck up and regret fucking up. She served as a hot piece of ass to motivate Bella to try to get back together with. Despite being in her perspective for a little bit during the story, we really never got to see much of her as a character. Those glimpses were just used to add extra vivid detail of why her situation is bad, and how much Bella's awful choices impacted her. There was character, but it didn't really grow. It just sort of... transformed in the epilogue.
Vinyl was just kind of there. Again, she served plot purpose, but most of the time she was around, Bella was too busy paying attention to her own little world. Again, rather static.
Diamond Tiara serves as an antagonist. She plays her role, but she winds up feeling at least as shallow as she does on the show. In fact, it feels like her "picking on others" is notched up a little beyond the show's level, simply to demonstrate how shallow she is.
Lemony Hearts gave hints at being an interesting character. She was a fairly stereotypical mom, but she showed different facets. Her relationship with her husband and her two adopted kids was put on display. The little cracks in her facade of "I'm the mother, I'm strong" showed here and there.
So your two main OC's, Bella Rave and Lemony Hearts, showed the most depth, the most growth, and were surrounded by plot devices that happened to have four legs (and occasionally a cute ass). The background ponies you used relied pretty heavily on... well, not much of anything, really. You avoided being "wrong" with them: Vinyl was the fanon DJ who parties, including the drug use. You made Diamond Tiara the one-dimensional bully, and Silver Spoon the submissive. But you didn't do anything especially right with them, to flesh them out, and make them seem real. Not even Silver Spoon, despite the abuse she suffers.
On to the plot. The main plot of Bella Rave being self-destructive happens pretty much right away. We haven't really had much of a chance to get to understand what kind of character Bella is before she's running off, ditching the girlfriend with issues that you spent some time introducing to us, then looking to score with her idol in the back room. Some buildup that let us see that going to parties is something she likes to do, and that she is a huge fan of Vinyl, feels lacking. That this element becomes a pivotal point in Bella's eventual reunion with Silver, it seems like you could have spent your opening chapter showing us that Bella likes parties, and that Silver perhaps doesn't.
The reveal that Vinyl is Bella's mom felt rushed. That could have been amped up. Having Bella be flirty while Vinyl is oblivious would have dragged the scene out a bit more, and when Vinyl finally figures out that, "Ew, my daughter is hitting on me" is revealed, it would be all the more awkward and impactful. Then Bella just runs. While you show us that she is clearly upset about this with Bella's tantrum in her room, it probably would have been more dramatic to have her not run away immediately, and perhaps spend more time yelling and screaming at Vinyl. Perhaps forcing the other occupants in the room to flee to get away from the danger zone. Hell, have Vinyl throw Bella out of the club, to amp up the "hate my mom" aspect and get us to perhaps empathize with Bella for hating her.
Bella's attempt to get revenge on her mom seems well-done. It is exactly the kind of incredibly stupid thing a teen would do. It does seem a little odd that nopony, particularly Vinyl, did anything to stop her. But then you did hint that that sort of thing was going on at that club. I think that leaving the clop material in the main story would let you be a bit more descriptive with the scene, and reinforce the sort of seedy establishment this all took place in.
The meeting after the fact between Vinyl and Bella seemed a bit on the convenient side, but not overly so. It served no purpose really, other than to put the idea in Bella's head that she should go get herself checked out. Considering she was already floating that idea around in her head with her "I didn't use protection" thoughts already, this meeting seemed superfluous. More it was a missed opportunity for more conflict. Bella yells a bit and tries to shame her mom, but the meeting just kind of ends and nothing really comes of it. You could have played up Bella's making a scene, as random other ponies stop to watch the loud young mare. Let her be effective at drawing attention. So that rumors go through the small town, and Bella basically trashes her own reputation. Which never really comes up outside of Diamond Tiara.
The pregnancy phase of her plot seems generally well done. She has a believable sequence of reactions to it. Her lack of thinking things through and asking Silver about what she should do was perfectly stupid of her, and Silver's reaction and distance for most of the fic as a result seem correct.
After that it gets a bit muddled. Lots of sub-blots and other character interactions start piling in. For the most part it feels like everyone learns about Bella's pregnancy and handles it in a fitting manner. Ruby Sheen is a creepy loser.
The fact that Bella tries, and rightfully fails a few times, to get back with Silver is fairly correct feeling. That Silver goes crawling back to Diamond seems correct. Her decision to break up with Diamond again seems a little out of nowhere. Obviously it was the right decision, but so little is done with Silver, it just seems like she chose that because... plot demanded she finally grow a spine?
Which leads us finally to, the resolution. Bella tries to apologize again, starts to fail, but then Silver finally brings up why she is upset. Not being able to trust Bella seems like plenty of reason in and of itself, and is something that really could only be resolved over a long period of time of Bella earning that trust back. But that is cast aside because Silver finally admits that she hates how Bella likes to party. Now, this could be a workable and believable plot point. It feels like Bella may have made a habit of ditching Silver once inside the club so she could dance and get her high. But we had so many conflicting messages building that. First, Silver seemed completely happy to be there, standing in line with Bella and Ruby. We were never given any scenes where Silver's pov is shown, where she is bored/lonely and upset that her girlfriend bailed on her. Again. Bella also explicitly was depicted as not using drugs. That was a break of her character to do so in order to get revenge on her mom. Silver seems to not mind Bella being flirty, and we even get confirmation of that from Silver while Diamond is making her tease Bella.
Had this been straightened out and built up, their reunion would feel a lot more genuine than it did. Bella giving up her parties would provide more impact if we'd had time to get to know Bella more in the beginning, and know that she not only enjoyed parties, but made it a habit of being less than a stellar girlfriend in the process of enjoying them. So while the reunion suffered, not because it was itself bad, but because it wasn't well supported and built up.
On to Silver's plotline.
As mentioned before, Silver really has a very weak character presence in this story. That she is being abused by her dad is given a lot of weight in the story, but is actually superfluous. The fact that the abuse is going on is something Bella is concerned about. That she eventually confronts Silver Platter and supposedly ends it isn't very satisfying, and the efficacy of her intervention is brought into question anyway. Judging by the epilogue, it seems to have worked.
Other than being a thing that happens, is important to the two main characters, and is resolved, it is less a conflict or plot in it's own right, and mostly just serves as cheap feels fodder. It is used to make Bella's idiocy more harmful to Silver. It is used to make Bella feel even worse about her own stupidity as a result. It is used as insult fodder by Diamond Tiara. But it could just as easily be cut.
Silver being upset by being betrayed by Bella would be just as compelling without her suffering from abuse by her father. The comfort aspect of their relationship would be just as compelling if the abuse Silver received from Diamond was the main source, rather than a source. Diamond Tiara could still be just as venomous about Silver betraying her to be with "that slutty raver pony." Bella could still be upset that she hurt and lost her girlfriend. The child abuse doesn't actually add anything to any of the plot elements, and it doesn't actually add any depth to Silver's character. Indeed, I'd say that it detracts from the storyspace that could have been used giving us more time to see the two together and get a feel for their "normal" before you went in and trashed it.
I think there was a major missed opportunity in the story. Arpeggio is concerned with appearances. Silver Platter was concerned with appearances. Both stallions had daughters messing up their reputation. Silver, by leaving Diamond Tiara for Bella, as well as going to "low class rave parties" probably was the source of gossip. Diamond would spread rumors, you can be sure. Bella made several scenes, and this doesn't seem so out of character for her. What we didn't get was random ponies in the street laughing or insulting Bella or Silver. Classmates were mostly an abstract concept in this story. Where are the articles in the Foal Free Press where some anonymous informant reveals that Bella Rave was fucking on a tabletop and passed out? Where are the flower ponies pointing and quieting their conversation to hushed whispers when Bella or Silver walk by?
Some of the other conflicts wrap up in unsatisfying ways.
Bella is pregnant, and her parents find out. The worst that comes out of it is a slightly tense conversation that winds up deflated because Arpeggio is a workaholic and Bella confronts him on it.
Ruby Sheen seems to be perving on his sister. He sort of apologizes for it, then runs away. In fact, what even was the point of his character? Bella could have gotten her drug from some random pony at a party.
Lickety Split being the biological father of Bella's baby is sort of ignored. Sure, he is a loser who wanted her to abort the kid, but he's still the dad, and that could create all kinds of problems.
Vinyl and Bella reconciling their differences just sort of feels forced.
Vinyl threatening Diamond Tiara and getting her to permanently leave Silver Spoon and Bella alone seems like a weak deus ex machina.
Even if you consolidate the clop chapters with the main story, you get 35k words making this a novella. 40k words is not far away, but marks the loose border between novella and novel. I think with some trimming of unnecessary things, and expansion of more important things, you could just bump this into a novel. Overall, I estimate it would settle around somewhere in the 45-55k range, which is pretty ideal. The biggest gain would be a proper introduction of not only Bella Rave, but your version of Silver Spoon, and their relationship together.
If you did want to keep the child abuse portion of the story in this hypothetical rewrite that you're unlikely to do, then it probably should be handled with significantly more focus, care, and resolution. Turning Silver into a real co-main character instead of merely a support character for Bella's story would easily pad a lot of wordcount into the story though. Conservatively I'd estimate 75k words to really handle the psychological nuances involved with Silver acting out, dealing with her trust issues, being betrayed by Bella, and being coaxed into trusting her again.
All-in-all, this story dealt with a lot of very touchy subjects. I can't help but feel that, to a certain degree, a lot of the material was still on the gratuitous side. The good parts were more than mediocre, but I can't say I've come out of this really liking any of the characters. I realize a lot of work went into the making of this story, but it seems like it still didn't turn out as well as it could have. I'd like to say the lackluster ratings support my opinion, but I imagine most of the people were simply put off by the content and didn't read, or failed to upvote for that reason, rather than the ones I pointed out.
6129214
Wow, now that's a review!
Thanks for doing that, and a huge thanks for pointing out its flaws. I think I'm getting a better idea of my weak points as a writer now; maybe I can finally go about rectifying them... or working in a type of story where they'll be downplayed!
6132465
It's a thing I enjoy doing. I'm glad you appreciate it and found it helpful.
I think if I were to narrow down to just one bit of advice that might help, it would be to look up, study, and experiment with traditional story structure. I'd suggest starting out with the three act structure such as "The Hero's Journey," then check out the four act structure.
In particular, the "introduction" or first act of this story is rather rushed. You do some introduction with how Silver split from Diamond and got with Bella. But you don't really give us the "here is their normal" before you go and break it. Same with the Bella/Vinyl dynamic. It is hard to really feel the impact of breaking that normal when we don't know what it is. You can make a single bad thing feel important and hit home hard if you can contrast it well in this way. Instead, you tried to pile on all kinds of bad things which isn't as effective, and just comes across as hollow.
Wonderful story.
6427503
Thanks! ^.^
Great story
My only (nitpicky) complaint is that it felt a little rushed at certain points. Nothing too major. Great work
6453886
Yeah... I guess it may have been.
That feeling when the optional clop chapters have more views than the main story...
This story is really good and poignant in many ways.
It's in my favorites, that's rare so feel a bit proud that your story is that good.
And your clop chapters are very close to this story now, so it's a win win.
And the end made my night.
Thanks for this story.
10398856
Glad people are seeing this one! ^.^ It never became as widely read as I think it should be ... at least, it’s less read than other stories of mine which are definitely worse than this one.
10399069
Worse... Nah. You've got a few gems in there.