Chapter 2 – Glee
Ruby Sheen tapped his off-white hoof against the ground much faster than the thudding beats filtering through the club's wall. The ugly, impatient scowl never left his face.
Bella glanced down the empty side-street again, but saw no sign of Silver Spoon, even though the sun was sinking and turning orange. A chill breeze swept through, rustling a few dry leaves and making Bella shiver.
Ruby's hoof tapped faster. “Is she even gonna show? I'm not wasting my whole Saturday waiting on your little fillyfriend.”
Bella winced and glanced down the street again. Is she okay? “I'm sure she'll be here.” She gave her brother an insincere wink. “Give her a little more time. She needs to sneak out of her house.”
“Well, what's taking her so fucking long?” Ruby's hoof stopped, but then he started flicking his tail. “It's not like she had to go to school today or anything.”
Bella rolled her eyes and gave him a flick of her own tail, right into his nose. “She'll come. I trust her.”
“She'd better be here soon.” He shoved Bella's tail away with more force than necessary. “I don't care if it's your birthday or not, I won't miss this rave. The leaf-running after-party is world famous! But this year's special. Discord is taking the stage for the first time ever!”
Bella laughed. He does get excited about these things, doesn't he?
“Or maybe you're more interested in DJ Pon-3?” He raised an eyebrow and didn't miss a chance to chuckle at her blush. “Oh, you have such a mareboner for her, don't you?”
“What?” Bella's cheeks burned hotter. “No I don't!”
“So you're trying to hide it now?” Ruby sidled up to her and whispered into her ear, “You'd better hide all those posters and pictures in your room!”
Bella stomped her hoof and held her nose high. “I'm not attracted to her. I'm just a fan of her work.”
“Pfft...” He poked her in the side with his hoof. “You shouldn't lie, Bells. You suck at it. I know better than anypony – you'd do anything for a chance at some of that Vinyl Snatch.” If he was waiting for a reaction, he wasn't going to get one. “You even look like her, all white and blue haired. I bet you only wear glasses so you can look more like her.”
“Shut it, Rube. You don't know what you're talking about!”
“You know you want her. Heck, you flirt with everypony...” He pouted melodramatically, sticking his lip out. “Except me.”
“You're my big brother!”
“Adopted brother.”
“And what do you care if I flirt? Maybe I like it when ponies want me!” She swayed her backside in the air.
Ruby laughed. His eyes were glued to her flank.
“And why shouldn't I like Vinyl Scratch?” She poked Ruby back. “Since my stupid deadbeat mom abandoned me to your family, I've gotta have somepony to look up to... Why not somepony cool?”
“My family? They only adopted me a couple weeks before you! Just because I've got a horn doesn't make me one of them.” He fluffed his red mane with a hoof.
“Hi, Ruby Sheen... Hi, Bella.”
Both of them turned to find Silver Spoon standing next to them.
Silver backed down, but smiled. “I'm really sorry about being late. I don't want to miss your fifteenth birthday.” She gave Bella a quick peck on the cheek. “I just got a little caught up in—”
“Dude... What's with the fucked up eye?”
Bella popped him playfully in the jaw with a hoof, only later thinking better of it as Silver cringed. Bella pushed him back. “Shut up, Rube!”
“Whatever.” Ruby pulled a couple clear packets of dried leaves out of his mane. “Let's get going before we're even more late. Drug up!”
Silver stared at it, her eyes widening. “Is that—”
“Locoweed? Really?” Bella tried to slap it out of his hoof, but she was too slow. “You know we're not into that kind of stuff!”
Silver Spoon tilted her head to the side. “How does he even afford it? He doesn't do anything.”
“Suit your own prissy selves.” Ruby used his magic to tear one of the bags, and he gulped down the contents.
Silver scrunched her face up. “Aren't you supposed to smoke it?”
Already walking toward the club entrance, Ruby flicked his tail at her. “It works both ways... kind of like our Bella here!”
“Hey!” Bella ran after him, quickly catching up and punching him in the shoulder.
“What? It's true, isn't it?” Ruby dodged another punch. “Ooh! Maybe we could see that in action at tomorrow's rave!”
Silver Spoon caught up alongside as they turned the corner. “What?” She panted. “What's so special about the Sunday party? ... I heard it was small.”
“Ha!” Ruby eyed the young mares walking next to him suggestively. “It's small, yeah. At a little private club. Today's has to stay family safe, but the next one... I hear it gets wild... and sexual in there.”
Bella giggled and fluttered her eyelashes. “I'd definitely want to take Spoony there, then!”
Silver fell behind a bit, but Bella looked back in time to see her blushing adorably.
“Doesn't matter, though. They won't let you in if you're under eighteen.”
“Not so good for you!” Silver gave him a sharp laugh.
He sighed. “Next year ... next year.”
Finally, they rounded the last corner, coming to the front of the building.
“Oh, weak,” Ruby said. “Just look at this shit!”
The entrance line stretched on and on, doubling back over and over again. A huge crowd of ponies waited their turn to get into the party of the season.
Ruby shook his head as he took a place at the end of the line. “Shit!”
⁂
Only a slight purple glow above the horizon marked the sunset now, overwhelmed by the flashing lights coming from the open door ahead.
Bella fidgeted in place. Her hooves ached to move with the beats booming through the doorway, but she didn't dare upset the bouncer right in front of her.
He was a huge, burly stallion, and he glared at her with an odd mixture of contemptuous disapproval and poorly disguised lust.
Bella was used to it. She liked it. She knew she had a beautiful body, and she loved to show it off. How else could she stay entertained in line, except by drawing the eyes of most of the stallions around – and more than a few of the mares, too.
The bouncer's frown deepened.
Bella wanted to dance, or maybe to turn around and shake her flank in the bouncer's face, see if she could get him to drop his meat. No! Keep it together. We're first in line now. Don't screw it up! Bella settled for breaking the glow sticks woven into her mane and tail. She looked back at Ruby and Silver.
Behind them, a colt younger than her peered at her flank. She winked and smiled at him, flicking her tail to make sure he got an eyeful.
Silver definitely noticed it, too. She blushed again, as if that little show had been for her. Maybe it was. She moved closer to Bella, offering her warmth against the chilly evening air.
While the bouncer was busy staring Bella down, Ruby slipped behind the two of them and surreptitiously downed his second packet. As soon as it was hidden again, he moved up to Bella's other side. “We wouldn't have to wait so long if we hadn't got in line so damn late. Look! The sun's totally gone now, and we're still outside.”
Bella nudged him away. “Deal with it, okay? I'm not going in without my Spoony.”
Silver snuggled in closer.
“Well, I hope she knows – if we don't get in soon enough for Discord's set, I'm taking it out on your ass!”
Ugh. He's insufferable when he's high. Bella shook her head. “Chill. We'll get in soon, and then we can—”
A group of six sweaty, smiling mares staggered out, brushing against each other a bit more than necessary.
Bella held her breath. That means...
The bouncer's horn lit up, and the velvet-covered rope lifted away. “Room for six more,” he grumbled.
It's finally time! With a jolt, she jumped forward, making it through the open doorway in one bound.
A high, building trill of music greeted her as she passed the doorway, followed by a huge blast of thrumming bass and a flash of blue lights. Waves of heat rose from the writhing crowd.
She jumped in wholeheartedly. All around her, ponies jumped and whirled, thrashing more or less to the pervasive beat filling the room and slamming her ears. Fresh and full of pent-up energy, she kept up with the best of them. Ruby and Silver struggled to keep up – this was her time to shine!
Strobe lights shot out from the stage, catching dozens of pegasus ponies in mid-flight above the crowd. One the rare occasions when Bella stood still, she could feel the floor shaking from all the hooves pounding into it. The bass boomed out again, and the huge dark room lost any semblance of sanity.
Bella shook her head wildly; the glow sticks slapped against her cheeks. Between the flashing bursts of light, the dizziness of her motions, and the crowd whipping around her, she felt almost high. She hadn't taken anything, of course, but in this place, with this music shooting through her, and with this crowd around her, she didn't need to.
Her wild kicking and jumping earned her a wide berth in the crowd, and finally she caught a glimpse of the pony on stage. Vinyl Scratch! Bella froze. Her jaw dropped and she squealed. Oh my Goddess! It's Vinyl Scratch!
She rushed toward the stage, shoving her way through the crowd. She didn't look back, didn't notice Ruby and Silver disappearing into the crowd. She only wanted one thing.
She forced her way to the front, right up to the stage. Vinyl Scratch was working her magic right above her, and she came just in time for the next big wave of bass.
She jumped, flipping in the air. When she landed, she danced like she never had before, throwing herself into it with abandon.
The speaker boxes boomed ear-bleedingly loud here, but DJ Pon-3 danced above her, whipping the crowd into a frenzy behind a slim turntable held up with nothing but magic. One hoof pounded the air, her head thrashed so much it was a wonder her tinted glasses managed to stay in place, and behind the tables, her hips swayed and her tail waved – something Bella couldn't take her eyes off of, despite how much older the mare was.
Vinyl's glowing horn lit the stage. The last beat of music faded away.
For one brief moment, silence ruled.
Bass exploded through the building. Lights flared back on in a kaleidoscope of flashing colors. Stillness shattered into blissful motion that grabbed Bella along and made her jump almost against her will.
It pounded again and again, harder every time, until finally when it could build no more, the music's thundering crescendo faded away.
Bella stopped, her sides heaving. She could feel eyes from the crowd all over her flanks, and she loved it.
Still enveloped in a bright blue magical glow, the turntables floated away backstage. DJ Pon-3 shook her mane out and wiped her brow with a hoof. “I love you, Ponyville!”
The crowd screamed – louder even than the music had been.
“But I've gotta go.” Vinyl Scratch's words quieted the crowd. “'Cause it's time for somebody really special to take over!” The crowd exploded again, but her magically amplified voice cut above all of it. “He's been offstage for a thousand years, but he's finally back to turn your world upside down! Give – it – up for the master of disaster, Diiis-cord!”
Instantly, the draconequus appeared onstage, along with a huge array of complicated-looking electronic equipment. With a blast of sound, all the speakers in the club shot huge flares of fire and sparks. The sparks sailed out into the crowd, attaching themselves to ponies.
Some of them landed on Bella. They didn't burn, but they stuck to her coat, and they kept glowing in all the colors of the rainbow long after they should have burned out.
The crowd screamed even louder as two notes that had no business being together steadily rose from the stage – Discord living up to his name with a disharmonious, screeching buildup to what would surely be a set worth waiting a thousand years for ... but Bella's eyes stayed on her idol.
DJ Pon-3 quietly stepped off the back of the stage, unnoticed by most. Before she disappeared, though, she lifted her glasses and looked directly at Bella, making eye contact.
Bella's jaw dropped. Did that really just happen?
Vinyl Scratch winked at her and jerked her head toward the small door next to the back of the stage. Her meaning was unmistakable.
Wide-eyed, Bella watched that magnificent, bouncing white rump disappear into the door. She stood still and blinked for a moment, oblivious to the party still raging around her.
Did I just imagine that? She shook her head. No... It was definitely real. I have to go! This was a one-in-ten-lifetimes chance to meet her greatest hero ... and maybe more.
Bella bit her lower lip slightly. Sure, she already had a marefriend, and sure, that would be cheating ... but Silver Spoon would understand, right? Spoony wouldn't want me to miss out on an opportunity as awesome as this!
She couldn't miss this. Not for anything! She rushed forward, through the writhing crowd and around the side of the stage.
The little black door was closed, and next to it, a stallion even bigger than the one outside scowled at her.
It was dark next to the stage, and the rave behind her sounded oddly distant. Maybe I just dreamed up seeing Vinyl Scratch's invitation. She looked up at the bouncer, and her slender legs trembled. I shouldn't be here.
Just as Bella was ready to back away in shame, the door opened. Vinyl Scratch poked her head out and whispered something to the bouncer.
He nodded and stepped to the side.
Vinyl disappeared into the doorway again, but left it half-open.
She definitely wants to have sex with me! Bella rushed in through the door, licking her lips.
A dark little room waited inside, with old but comfortable-looking couches lining the walls, except for where a low counter stacked with bottles flanked a door with an 'exit' sign. The smell of alcohol and old furniture came strong, and Bella gaped at the ponies lounging around the room.
The Vinyl Scratch stepped up next to her and shut the door. “Hey, I saw you dancing out there – you're pretty good!”
Bella's breath rushed out of her. Woah! Her head spun. Vinyl Scratch thinks I'm a good dancer!
Reassuringly, Vinyl took her by the hoof and led her to one of the couches.
I should say something! “Vinyl Scratch, I—”
“Just Vinyl.”
Bella's mind whirled. “Vinyl...” Saying her name like that... Saying her name to her... It was like—
“Don't worry about it. I've seen this plenty of times.” Vinyl patted Bella on the back. “It's just a bit of culture shock. Calm down – it'll pass by in no time.”
Bella nodded. “Okay.”
“Hey, relax, seriously. It's nothing.” Vinyl looked over at the bar. “Can I get you something to— Oh, wait. You're still underage, aren't you?”
“Um... yeah.” Bella blushed. Most ponies were fooled by her height and figure into thinking she was older, but apparently Vinyl saw right through it.
“Anyway, I should probably introduce you to these guys.” Vinyl slowly waved a hoof around the room. “That's Wingbeatz and her tech guy... that's Nightmare Remix...” A black stallion in the corner nodded, making his blue helmet shake. “... Those two are the Flare Brothers, neck deep in the mini-bar, as usual.” She rolled her eyes, barely visible behind her glasses. “Hey, leave some for me, guys!”
Two unicorn heads popped up above the little bar on the far side of the room. “We saved you that vodka twist stuff you like,” they said in unison.
“Good.” Vinyl grinned, bouncing her head to an unheard beat. “Discord's out there on stage now and ... oh, yeah!” She pointed behind Bella, at a yellow mare next to the door. “That's the stage manager, Keynote. She makes sure we go out there on time and don't get too wasted before we do.” She giggled – a strained, dry giggle that nonetheless warmed Bella's heart. “You'll keep an eye on the Flare Brothers, won't you?”
Keynote shrugged, holding a hoof up helplessly. She went back to looking at her clipboard.
“Woah... Really, woah!” Bella finally found her voice. “It is so awesome to finally meet you guys. Especially you! I gotta tell you, I'm a huge Pon-3 fan! I came here just to—”
“I'm off stage! So don't use my stage name – just 'Vinyl' is fine.”
It electrified Bella. She stood up, her eyes bugging out. “Oh! Okay!” She spun in a circle. “I... Oh wow. I can't even...”
Vinyl pulled her back down onto the couch with a touch of magic. The old sofa creaked.
Bella sat there, hyperventilating. “Wow.”
“Yeah, I get that a lot.”
“Seriously, though...” Bella sat up straighter, getting control of herself again. “I'm a huge fan, and I've wanted to meet you for as long as I can remember! There's just something about how you work the crowd up there ... it's special. Nopony else can do it. I go to every rave you're in if I can!”
“I bet you do.”
“Ooh, and I even have a signed poster of you in my room! I brought it when—”
“I know.” Vinyl grinned at her biggest fan. “I remember signing it.”
'No way,' Bella mouthed.
Vinyl's smile turned lopsided and smug. “But you had green glow sticks in your hair that night, not red.” She plopped down on the couch. “The red suits you better.”
She really remembers me!
Vinyl took off her glasses and leaned a tiny bit closer.
Bella suddenly realized just how close they were. Close enough to... Oh wow! Her heart thudded in her chest. Vinyl looked so... naked without her glasses.
Vinyl winked a vivid reddish eye. “Happy birthday, by the way.”
Bella leaned back. “Huh? How did you know?”
Eyes shooting open wide, Vinyl grimaced for a split second. She recovered quickly, though. “I... Um, I've seen enough birthday dancing to know.”
“Huh.” Bella moved back in close, even closer than before.
Vinyl was blushing now, and breathing heavy. She kept glancing at Bella, then back away.
Bella's heart raced. She's totally into me! She's getting so worked up! Without really noticing, she edged closer. What's she waiting for? Maybe it's because I'm young? I'll probably have to make the first move. She leaned in closer, almost touching. Her head tilted to the side, and her eyes closed. A tiny bit more, and she would be making out with her idol... and maybe more than making out. Maybe—
Vinyl jumped away. “Woah! What was that?”
Bella stood up so she could saunter in closer. She let her eyelids dip low and swayed her hips. “I can tell you want me.” She grinned. “Just look at how flushed you are.”
“No!” Vinyl squirmed away. “That is not happening.”
Bella lowered her glasses and blatantly licked her lips. “I'd do anything for you, Vinyl.”
Vinyl tried her best to disappear into the couch. “No! I, uh...” She glanced back and forth. “I don't swing that way!”
The two brothers popped up above the bar. “You don't swing that way?” one asked. The other raised an eyebrow. “So you're available for stallions again now?”
Vinyl winced. “Shut it, Flare boy!”
“It's Flare Joy.” The stallion's eyes narrowed, but he ducked behind the bar again.
“Come on. I've seen you with mares before.” Bella leaned over Vinyl, rubbing her own flank with a hoof, making sure Vinyl had a good view of it. “What's the real reason?” She leaned in close, almost touching again. “Nopony has to know. It'll be our little secret.”
Sweat streaked Vinyl's face. Her eyes were wide, and she kept glancing at Bella's flank. Every time she did, her eyes would dart away again, but they kept drawing back there.
I almost have her. Goddess, I want her. Bella could barely restrain herself. She ran a hoof down Vinyl's soft chest. “You can take me any way you want.”
Vinyl bit her lower lip. She was blatantly staring at Bella's sleek body now.
She shoved Bella away. “Goddess no! You're my daughter for pony's sake!”
The little room fell silent. Bella's jaw dropped.
For a few moments, time didn't exist. Nothing moved and nothing changed as that notion sunk into everypony's heads.
Daughter? I'm her daughter? ... My mom? Bella stumbled back. Her real mom was a jerk, a deadbeat, the bane of her life. Vinyl was her hero, her idol, everything she looked up to. Vinyl Scratch IS my real mom. Bella's heart fell out of her chest and splattered on the floor, she was sure. The room spun. It was suddenly way too hot inside.
All around her, famous pony musicians looked on with their mouths hanging open.
The muffled, distant sounds of the rave seemed to overwhelm everything. Bella took a step backward, then another. Her breath came in short gasps, spaced far apart. Each one needed a conscious effort.
Vinyl stood up and moved toward her. “Bella, I'm—”
Bella bolted. She rushed through the back door, smashing her withers against the crash bar, and she galloped out into the night, heedless of anypony or anything in the way.
The cold night air and the darkness felt different. It felt good. It made her feel like she wasn't trapped in that room.
Something smashed into her. “Hey, watch it!”
She staggered away and kept running. She couldn't see. Her eyes squeezed shut and they wouldn't open again. They felt wet. Was she crying? When had she started crying? She ran on and on. She couldn't be crying. There had to be some other reason her eyes felt so wet and cold.
She slammed into something solid, bouncing off of it and onto the ground. Her eyes opened. The door of her own house. Her hooves had taken her somewhere safe.
Bella flung the door open. The cat screamed and darted away.
“Dear, are you—”
Bella ran straight past her mom, across the living room, around the corner, and she darted up the stairs.
She made it to her room, but it spun around her.
The signed poster of Vinyl mocked her, still hung with pride above her bed. It looked down on her, taunting her with the lie she had believed. That wasn't her hero. That pony had ruined her life!
But she's lied to me before. Maybe she's not... But she knew me. She knew my birthday! There was no way around it, no way for her to escape that horrible fact.
She wiped the tears away. She wasn't sad. She was angry! ... But the tears still came.
Jumping up on her bed, she tore down the poster. One corner of it stuck to the wall. But it didn't have the traitor hero on it, so it could stay. She shoved the poster into the wastebasket next to her desk. It crinkled and tore, nearly filling up the whole basket.
But it wasn't enough. All over the walls, her stupid naïve drawings laughed at her. Most of them had Vinyl in them.
She darted around the room, tearing down drawings, throwing them in the basket. It overflowed, but she didn't stop. She had to—
A half-finished drawing waited on her desk. The colors weren't in yet, but in it, she stood next to Vinyl and they each had a hoof over the other's shoulder.
She tore it in half... and in half again... and in half again... but the pieces still taunted her. She swept them into the trash, but her older drawings stared back at her from the bin.
She screamed, soft and strained. There was too much Vinyl here. Too much. Her throat tightened. Her eyes burned. She couldn't take this!
Backing out through her bedroom door, she rushed to the bathroom and ducked inside, slamming the door behind her.
The mare in the mirror stared back at her. Not Vinyl! Not Vinyl! But she looked like Vinyl, with her white coat and blue mane and glasses.
She threw off the glasses, but it didn't help. Her blue eyes were shot through with red now. They reminded her of seeing Vinyl without her glasses. Of Vinyl staring at her flank. Of how she used to pride herself on looking like Vinyl. How she wished her eyes were red so she could—
She screamed again and smashed a hoof into the reflection.
The mirror shattered, sending glittering shards of glass all over the bathroom floor.
Finally, the image was gone. Her looking like Vinyl made all too much sense now. It wasn't a point of pride anymore. It was shame.
She hoped nopony had heard the mirror break. Now she could see through it to the medicine cabinet behind it. Among the old bottles and brushes inside, there was a bottle of dye: the red mane dye Ruby used sometimes.
She didn't have to look like Vinyl! For a moment, she thought about crushing her glasses too. No, I need those to see.
Snagging the dye bottle out of the cabinet, she walked over and started some hot water in the shower. I'm never looking at Vinyl in the mirror again, she promised herself.
⁂
Bella rolled over in bed, going from staring at the strangely empty wall to the overflowing trash can next to her desk. The state of the room suited the way she felt right now.
Vinyl's betrayal kept replaying in her mind. There wasn't room for much else.
But if she couldn't sleep, then she could at least think of something to do. Something to do about that mare. The mare who ruined her life. Twice.
You've put a lot of work into this, dude. I hope it goes well!
Chapter 1: Solace 3,059 Chapter 2: Glee 4563. Words in total: 7622. It's actually 0 Words. You've done it again, fimfic xD
Anyways, I'm glad to see that the story finally is here! Hope it goes well! ^_^
img.pandawhale.com/78387-Dis-gon-b-gud-gif--This-is-gon-sWM8.gif
Totally love this so far. OCxCanon is something I see a lot, but f\f OCxCanon is kinda rare. Keep it up friend.
Gee, this story has all the things I love about MLP!
Sounds like a cheap soap opera. Pass. Good on you for the up-front warning though.
5977672
It's not cheap; I can guarantee you that.
Still, yes, not for everyone. No story can be.
5977670
I will, I will. ^.^
5977537
I sure hope so! ^.^
5977493
Gah! Yes, for some reason it's showing 0 words. Why, Fimfic, why?
5977449
Me too!
5977679 Re-publish the chapters, might be it. Just take them down for a split second, then post them again.
Worked for me.
5977688
Aha! You're right!
So is this straight shipping? Cause i saw it added to that group but the description and the first chapter point to everything but that being the case.
Not looking to dislike out of spite or anything, but I would like to know before continuing.
5977698 Glad to help ^_^
Liked, favorited... already enjoying the story immensely.
I'll get to reading this later. In the mean time have some recommended listening.
Glad to see this finally hit the wild.
Damn. This was not what I was expecting. At all.
It's good..but...d-damn.
Brilliant! Thanks for this gem, ocalhoun and Co.!
Edit: This has been featured. Congrats!
5977702
Well, there will be some straight shipping later in the story.
I'll be upfront about it, though: there's not much. It's mostly f/f.
5977718
Glad you're enjoying it. ^.^ That's what makes it all worthwhile.
5977743
Heh. Don't worry too much. Unless I die in the next 10 days, it'll be published. ^.^
At any rate, in about 10 days, it'll be fully complete and ready for your reading.
(I fully understand not reading incomplete stories. I won't either. That's why I don't post them until they're done.)
This actually means a lot to me. ^.^
DT was awful in the early drafts of the first few chapters. I'm glad to hear that all the revisions paid off!
Stuff like that is partly Pony Slayer's doing. He did work on character and premise development some with me, especially in the very beginning stages.
And that took some doing, lemme tell ya.
I'm still not sure I've got it right... but at least it sounds good so far.
Thanks! ^.^ Not much of a mountain on this one yet... but it just hit the feature box, so I'm hopeful.
5977818
It must be interesting, seeing the different versions evolve.
5977857
Hm... maybe that means my long description wasn't very good... Glad to hear you still liked it, though!
5977859
Just noticed that myself. ^.^
At first I thought it wouldn't, but it pulled through.
Not gonna lie... putting over a year of work into it and seeing it miss the feature box would have been a little bit heartbreaking.
5978069 Oh, no, the description is sufficient. I...may have been hyped enough on this that I dove right in based on your reputation only, without any background other than the cover image. It was my fault, and mine alone, that I was met with something far, far weightier than I was expecting.
But I have to say, that one part, in the middle of chapter two. Oh man, you gutted me.
5978191
Yeah, it is a lot more... weighty than a lot of my previous works.
And am I right in assuming that what got you in the second chapter was the revelation of certain family relations? ^.^ I did really enjoy putting that surprise into it.
5978204 That'd be the one, and it was indeed quite the moment. The juxtaposition was fantastic, sending me from tingling with nervous anticipation to cold chills, yes, in ten seconds flat.
5978069
Don't give me that. The only difference between your perspective and mine is that for you the change was gradual whereas for me the change occurred over three distinct iterations. Of course it was interesting, the only reason you might not think it was is because you had to spend so much time with the thing.
How many passes did you give this thing again? Sixty something? I rest my case.
Anyway, I'll be sure to give you some final feedback when I finish reading the final story. I am actually kind of curious to see what you changed from the proofreading stage. I appreciate that you involved me in all this, even though I'm the one who volunteered for it in the first place.
Thanks again for writing this story for me. It is much appreciated. I'm really excited to reread it again
5978248
Yeah... I should look at the oldest version again, just so I can see how far it's come. It's true I don't see the changes much, because they're gradual.
Sixty-eight, to be precise. ^.^
You appreciate things? You know you're the one helping me out, right? Part of this is yours.
5978625
Heh. I hope it lives up to expectations... and I hope it was worth the wait.
This is a fairly decent story. I'm just curious as to why you're not making the whole story 'M' rated and adding in the clop chapters as marked 'cloptional' or whatever. That said, I don't think you're allowed to link NSFW, in this case a seperate clopfic—if I'm assuming correctly—in a story marked as 'E' or 'T'. So, is there like a viewing password for the link in the description? I can't get in without it.
5980192
The separate story for the clop chapters hasn't been posted yet, since the first one is at the end of chapter 3. I've just submitted it, though, so it should be up soon. (As soon as it posts, I'll be publishing chapter 3 as well.)