First Love

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Comments ( 10 )

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newer1

newer1 #1 · Apr 20th, 2015 · · · Twilight the Counselor ·

Second to last paragraph first word should be Twilight, not Fluttershy.

sokesamurai

sokesamurai #2 · Apr 22nd, 2015 · 1 · · Afternoon Tea ·

The constant "she said" and "she replied " felt somewhat repetitive. You might want adjust that.

sokesamurai

sokesamurai #3 · Apr 22nd, 2015 · 1 · · Supper at Rarity's ·

-one of those situations that Fluttershy really wished that she wished that she wasn't in- (one of those situations that Fluttershy really wished that she wasn't in)
-they finally arrive at the boutique- arrived
-before she can just relax- could
-Fluttershy knows how Rarity can be when it comes to fixing supper, that she likes for- knew, could, came, liked respectively
-and it is still raining hard, the lightning is still flashing, the thunder is loud- replace "is" with "was"
-could do is hope that- replace "is" with "was"

sokesamurai

sokesamurai #4 · Apr 22nd, 2015 · 1 · · Fluttershy Makes Her Move ·

- While Rarity tends to sleep-tended
- Fluttershy prefers to sleep-preferred
- of rain tends to make her-tended
- but Rarity tends to be a heavy-tended

sokesamurai

sokesamurai #5 · Apr 22nd, 2015 · · · Dark Anger ·

- how Fluttershy gets when it is dark- got

sokesamurai

sokesamurai #6 · Apr 22nd, 2015 · · · Thawing Relations ·

-see that she does love her- did

Sheendough

Sheendough #7 · May 24th, 2015 · · · Supper at Rarity's ·

You repeated some lines and Rarity kept saying "Fluttershy darling". Spice things up a bit.

Victoria_the_dragoness

Victoria_the_dragoness #8 · Feb 19th, 2016 · 1 · · Afternoon Tea ·

This is really quite good so far. This is the first Rarity and Fluttershy story I have read, and I'm impressed so far. Well done in making this interesting, you captured the characters really well.

Arcanum -Phantasy