Lyra Heartstrings is in Your Bed, Trying To Sleep Like a Human (HudsonHawk)
Lyra Heartstrings is in Your Bed, Trying to Sleep Like a Human
HudsonHawk
Your bed is like a warm, toasty cinnamon bun. You don’t want to get up. You just want to lay in it for the rest of the day like a butterfly in a warm cocoon. For the first time in a long, long time, you’ve gotten a Monday off. No customers asking where the bathrooms are when the large sign that says RESTROOM with the stick figure man and woman is right behind them. No annoying bosses asking you about sales quotas and obvious crap. No questioning whether drowning yourself in your cereal bowl would have been a viable alternative to a stint in retail hell. Just blessed peace and quiet.
You’ll take the phone off the hook and keep your cell phone turned off as insurance that you stay out of retail hell for the day. You’ll head to Panda Express, get your fried rice and two spring rolls, and pass the fortune cookie off to some other poor bastard and hope he gets this curse. Maybe then the ponies will stop winding up in your bed every Monday night. But first, another hour of shuteye. You close your eyes and roll over...
...and your arm hits something fuzzy. Strange, you haven’t had a stuffed animal since you were twelve. You missed Buddy, your stuffed Pound Puppy…
It hits. Oh… God… please not now…
You open your eyes. Staring back at you is a light green unicorn. Her mane is a mix of white and a bright mint color. She’s staring at you with big gold eyes, an excited smile on her face.
“Hi there, human!” She says, sweetly.
“AAAAAHHAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHHAHAHHAAAHHHH!!!!!!!” You say in reply.
In retrospect, an incredibly girly scream was not the greatest way to break the ice, but any rational thought was overtaken by shock. You were starting to get used to the intruders that showed up every Monday night and on occasion Tuesday, but they usually came in the evening. When you've just woken up... that's a first.
You leap out of bed, wide awake from shock. Since you dragged the blankets off in your haste to get away, you get a full look at the newest visitor to your bed. Her tail is the same two-color motif as her mane, and the mark on her hips appears to be a harp. But that’s not the strange part. Instead of laying like a dog or, of course, a horse, she’s laying on her back, front and back legs stretched out. It looked… oddly human… and oddly adorable.
“Is screaming a normal human greeting?” The unicorn asks, undaunted. “Let me try!” She then unleashes an ear-splitting shriek that comes close to shattering your window and any glass in a five-mile radius. Thankfully, your apartment is soundproof, otherwise you’d have the neighbors over wondering why you were torturing a chihuahua.
“What the hell are you doing here… and why so early?” You ask in shock and annoyance.
“Trying to sleep.” She replies innocently. “By the way, why does your mattress smell like a fireplace?”
You give up. You’ll never know why they keep showing up. Knowing your luck, they wouldn’t stop until you’d been driven to a psychiatrist after you’ve tried to prove their existence to someone and been involuntarily committed. You don't know what would be worse: telling a shrink about the ponies that show up every week or the time you lost a bet and wound up in a Bo Peep costume singing "I Feel Pretty" to a crowd in the local bar.
You turn away, take a few deep breaths, calm down, and turn back. There she is, still laying on your bed like a human. She has opened her muzzle for another ear-piercing shriek when you start waving frantically for her to stop, her assault on your eardrums still fresh in your mind.
“Don’t you want me to greet you?” The pony asks.
“No… well yes… but… that’s not how we greet each other.” You reply.
“How do you greet each other then?”
“We just say hello. Hello… what’s your name?”
“Lyra! Lyra Heartstrings!” Lyra extends a hoof, which you shake tentatively.
“Hello… what’s your name?” Lyra asks. You tell her your name.
“Well, Lyra… why are you stretched out like that?” You ask. “I thought ponies slept… well… like ponies?”
“I’m trying the human method.” Lyra replies. “I sit like you guys do back home, so I’m trying out how you sleep.”
“Humans exist there?” You ask.
“They did, once, at least according to myth. They’re so fascinating…” She squees. “OMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSH I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M TALKING TO A REAL LIVE HUMAN!” Another squee. “I have so much I want to know about your species!”
You drift into thought. Okay… she hasn’t tried to set anything on fire, hasn’t drunk Oliver Reed under the table, and hasn’t sent your bed to another dimension. Just to be safe, you check your bathroom. Thank God, the bathroom is intact. After all the time you spent cleaning up after Sonata’s taco-induced gastrointestinal symphony, and the cost of disposal and replacement for your old toilet, it damn well better STAY intact.
She seems nice. You think. Humor her for a while and see what happens.
“What do you want to know?” You ask. She pats the spot next to her.
“Could you lay by me?” She asks. “I want to get the human method absolutely right.”
You hesitate, then figure “What the hell?” You oblige her. As you shuffle around, you can feel Lyra shifting in your bed, a perfect imitation of you. When you move, she moves. You settle for a position on your side.
“So… what do you want to know?” You ask. You feel her front legs wrap around your midsection. You feel her nuzzle your back, cuddling you like you would your old Pound Puppy, rubbing her hooves over your hands like they were the most interesting things in the world.
“Do humans like to be cuddled like ponies do?” She asks.
“It depends.” You reply, both unnerved and flattered that a talking pony is using you as an oversized teddy bear. “Some like to be touched, others not.”
“Why?”
“I dont know. I don’t know everything about my species.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not really a people person.”
“Why?”
“People annoy me more often than not.”
“Why?”
You knew where this was going. You knew a kid like this in the third grade who would incessantly ask “Why?” to you about stuff until you considered seeing if was possible to hang yourself with the string on your mittens just to get away from it. You decided to change tack and start asking the questions.
“Why are you cuddling me?” You ask.
“I’ve never touched a human before.” She replies, dreamily. “I wanted to make sure you were real.”
“Why?’
“Ponies back home think I’m crazy for believing in humans. Especially my roommate.”
“Why?”
“Because humans there are a myth, silly! I told you that.”
She pauses.
“Do you have a mare- er, ‘girl’ friend?” She asks
Huh?
“Why do you ask that?” You say, a tad unnerved.
“Just curious.” She replies.
You decide to give her the benefit of the doubt. “She broke up with me a while ago, so no, I dont. Why do you ask?” You dread the answer.
You hear a little squee and her legs tighten their grasp. This is starting to throw up a few red flags.
“Can… can I be your girlfriend?” She asks softly.
Your brain goes into full blown red alert. HOLY CRAP! TIME OUT! PUMP THE BRAKES! CLOSE THE SHOPS! LOCK UP THE PETTING ZOO!
“Uh, Lyra…” You begin, very unnerved. “...there’s a small problem with that.”
“What?” She asks. A green aura envelops you. You involuntarily turn around and look into Lyra’s sad face.
“We’re two different species, Lyra.” You reply. “I barely know you, anyway.”
“Why does that matter?” There were tears forming in the corners of her gold eyes.
“Well… here…being in that type of relationship with… your species… is really frowned upon.” You reply, your heart melting at the sight.
“Why?” She asks, sadly.
“Because ponies here aren’t like you, Lyra.” You reply. “They can’t speak and they don’t really think. They can’t really consent to a relationship. That’s called beastiality, and it’s illegal.”
“But I can think! I can speak! We can be together…”
You cut her off. “Why are you so desperate to be with a human?”
She looks down at the foot of the bed, embarrassed. “Nopony wants anything to do with me.” She starts. “Like I told you, they think I’m crazy for believing, and I’m so lonely… please..."
It clicks. Nobody wants to date her because she’s seen as crazy. She meets you, you’re nice to her, minus screaming in her face, and… the poor mare’s put you on a pedestal. Any annoyance at her questioning, her showing up, her cuddling… it vanishes with that realization. You pull Lyra into a hug, and she sobs into your shoulder.
“Hey. I don’t want that kind of relationship.” You start. “That doesn’t mean I can’t be your friend.”
Lyra perks up. “Really? You’d be my friend?” She says, sniffling, a bit of the sadness leaving her. You dry her eyes with a tissue.
“Of course. You seem like a very nice mare. I’d be your friend. Would you be mine?”
She beamed. “OF COURSE!” She hugged you, this time a little tighter. “Thank you…” She says, the sadness gone.
“You’re welcome.” You think for a moment. “You know, what if I got you something that would prove humans exist?”
She beamed again. “Really? Like what?”
“I… don’t know... “ You get up. “Wait a minute. I’ll be back.”
You leave your bedroom and head for the living room. You check a cabinet of VHS tapes, looking for one that you could afford to get rid of. One with a photo cover would be a bonus: she couldn’t be accused of drawing it herself just to make proof. You settle on a bad comedy movie you haven’t watched in a while: “Getting Even With Dad.” You don’t even know why it’s here, it just is. You bring the tape back to a waiting Lyra.
“Do you guys have VCRs in Equestria?” You ask.
“Yes.” She replies. “Why?”
“This is a human movie. With all the people in it, you have irrefutable proof that humans exist.”
Lyra seems to lose the ability to breathe for a moment, then lets out a loud squee. She glomps onto you.
“THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!” She says, hugging you with a crushing grip. She takes the tape with magic and stuffs it into… her coat?
“How do you do that?” You ask.
“Don’t humans have pockets too?” She asks.
“No…” You start as she yawns.
“Never mind. I’m tired. I’m going to sleep for a little bit.”
“Good idea.” You climb in beside her.
“Can I cuddle you again?” She asks, batting her eyes. You melt again.
“All right, but no funny business.” You say. She and you get into the position you were in earlier: on your sides, her front legs around your midsection, her nuzzling your back like she would a teddy bear.
“Is it okay if I take one of your books, too?” She asks.
“What books?” You ask back.
“One of the ones you have under the mattress here. The ones with the females with no clothes? It’d actually show ponies that humans aren’t so different. They don’t like wearing clothes either, judging from the pictures. I don’t know why you keep them under the mattress, though. It feels so uncomfortable…”
You stare ahead in shock. You let out a grunt in the affirmative. As Lyra happily uses her magic to retrieve a Playboy from under the mattress, your mind drifts again...
Mental note… You think. When she leaves, find a new place to keep your porno mags... someplace where equine eyes cannot see them...
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I was expecting a chapter like this I'll be honest and I loved it
Omg that was amazing. Lyra is so adorable!!!!!!!
Also thanks for the feels, however mild they may be. *sigh* Poor Lyra...
Silly Lyra.....
Oh wait...
5477654
You're welcome.
First off, a bed wasn't broken this time, so that's good.
Second, this is definitely one of my favorites.
One of the best chapters so far. Nicely done!
Well, this chapter was absolutely adorable and I want to cuddle with Lyra now.
Really Lyra. According to the fandom your not straight. The. You hit on a dude. Then you're looking at naked humans on magazines.
5477877 naked girls
5478003 Indeed
(Didn't know which face to put)
Oh, that was the last chapter. Damn!
Is Background Lyra gonna show up soon?
5478073
You'll never know if she does.
I ship it, even if Mr. Human doesn't.
This guy is really a big ol softy at heart. He acts grumpy and mean, but once you get past that he's a real pal.
You good sir had me almost cry of either cuteness or joy
either that or i watched to many dragon ball episodes
5478524
Thank you for the compliment.
He...he still has them under his bed?
He's expecting the ponies at this point.
5478730
bit.ly/14shdby
5478805 we're still not convinced of that ourself. The Wikipedia article isn't the most straightforward....
5478872
5478888
We... I.... The?!
Error: could not grok this. Redo from start?
Load tape and press any key.
Critical error: could not READ memory 0x000000000?
A problem has been detected and BorgOS has terminated this local instance for your protection. Please wait a moment while we collect information and restart. ;,(
.....
.
....
OK
?
5478917
... oh, I hope, I hope the warranty hasn't expired....
5478929 oh hi! We received notification you had replied to our previous reply!
However I regretfully inform you we have no idea the topic of the conversation, as the thread has been internally censored as a source of potential system instability!
Do not worry however, as we do not present you responsible for any harm or accident that may or may not have occurred as the result of participating in the threaded conversation.
Have a wonderful day!
Dear Sir author,
THIS was not nice of you. Seriosly.
I am just about to recover from an ugly cold. So the last days of sneezing and coughing left me sore and with aching muscles. Especially in the breast, upper body and abdomal area.
So you could imagine that laughing is very painfull at the moment.
I hoped here of some light reading - to support my recovery.
But you seem to lack of anything better to do as to write his hillarious chapter. How dare you, to let me suffer in this way.
Reading anyway. And laugh. And suffer. Many thanks...
5477877 fucking the Fandom, I like straight Lyra. Would have babies with her if I could.
>Lyra Heartstrings is next to you
>Shrieking in fear
>Not shrieking in delight
>2015
Bed guy is fired. Looking for new applicants. Call 1-800-BED-PONS or send your resume to Discord@witsend.com.
5479559
You're welcome.
Dammit! The ponies are stealing all your porn.
Maybe Rarity will be the exception and steal all the fashion magazines instead?
Can't wait for Bon Bon or Carrot Top/Golden Harvest to get stuck there. They'd owe Lyra 20 bits, then.
"Hey, Lyra, would you like a list of ponies who have already visited me for when you go back home? You're not as alone as you think..."
after you made that link...
I am now looking into quantum intanglement and theoretical pseudo science to find a way to strangle someone over the internet
5477877
...according to the rampant shippers in pretty much any fandom, none of the characters are straight
5536278
And they ship those together!
had me laughing and dawing the whole time. the thing about customers and a big restroom sign really made me laugh because it is so very true, even when you point to it the go the wrong way. and then lyra being so adorable and asking so many questions including wanting to be his marefriend lol. so far this is my favorite story of the collaboration.
Seriously though. Who keeps skin mags around now that free internet porn is a thing that exists?
6431755
2.bp.blogspot.com/-JMBmdK9-c84/VPMo36MyUgI/AAAAAAAAQHU/xLwDPV9kJqw/s1600/827580__safe_solo_twilight%2Bsparkle_vector_raised%2Bhoof_transparent%2Bbackground_artist-colon-estories.png
my
don't
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/5/5c/Judges_scoring_dive_S4E20.png/revision/latest?cb=20140331154314
bestiality,
Apparently I'm not getting any sleep tonight.
Reading is addictive. This story even more so.
10094097
Heh, I’ve been there. Fallen asleep with my cell phone in my hand, or in the past, a book.
Glad your’re enjoying the madness.