• Published 1st Jan 2015
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Fimfic Authors Are In Your Bed - Admiral Biscuit



A collaborative collection of stories about finding ponies in your bed.

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Shining Armor is in Your Bed, Having an Existential Crisis (RetroLord)

Shining Armor is in Your Bed, Having an Existential Crisis
RetroLord

Author’s Note: This chapter does not desire to mock people with existential crises. However, the chapter really wants you to read it!

You finally have had a good day – no, make that a great day – for once.

You managed to get up in the morning without having been kept up all hours by a pony the night before.

You actually weren’t waylaid by “well-wishing” co-workers and overlords at your job, and the customers that asked for your assistance in sales were not hopeless morons for the first time in years (mostly).

Your boss even let you off work early, giving you plenty of time to dine at the Panda Express before returning home. Now all you need is a relaxing evening.

You assure yourself before you leave your car that there won’t be a pony in your bed today. No matter what, there will not be a pony. You will have an awesome day for once.

If there’s not going to be a pony, what will you do tonight? Look for another Internet meme? Click random video links on YouTube? Try to clean up your house?

All these choices sound like pointless work, so you decide to learn something and engage in a mindless activity: learn how to watch pirated movies again since your favorite pirating website was taken down. Oh, and fix your bedroom computer; it’s hasn’t been the same since Clover the Clever mind-controlled you to look at clickbait that was obviously malware.

Three birds with one stone, you think with a grin.

You jump out of your car with a beatific smile on your face, dance up the stairs to your apartment, and rip open the door – almost.

Now your arm hurts because you forgot to turn the handle. Irritated that your carefree attitude has vaporized, you violently push the handle down and slam the door behind you.

Thankfully, the apartment hasn’t changed at all since you left this morning. Your Twilight indicator – your favorite cup you left sitting upside-down on the kitchen counter – is still there. A pile of clothes still is hanging on the side of your laundry basket, reminding you that you’re running out of clothes and that your other two work suits really need to be dry-cleaned.

The suits bring your memory back to the nightmare spirit that you befriended. The week that you and she were together, cleaning your laundry took a matter of seconds (magic!). But Twilight and her friends had killed her. Stop! You admonish yourself. Back to what’s going on now.
Something isn’t right. It’s hard to put your finger on what it is, but there’s still something different about the house.
Well, what is it not? It’s not anything you can see, and you can’t hear anything unusual – no Dontmindthe Orbs giving off a hypnotizing hum, no mattresses burning, no drunken ponies stumbling around – so maybe it’s a smell.

Not that you can smell anything besides burnt refrigerator (compliments of Spike). You’ve since replaced the fridge, but the smell remains, even with the forest of air fresheners you’ve spread on top of it.

Then you realize that trying to remember what the other two of the five senses are is much more involved than simply checking out your bedroom and putting your fears to rest.

Tense, you walk through the kitchen and to your bedroom door, which you closed before you left this morning.

A lot of “what ifs” enter your mind, none of them good. Hoping that Twilight isn’t using your bed as a lab to produce contact explosives, you open the door and go inside, feeling like you’re stepping into pure doom.

What you see leaves you completely thunderstruck, and that’s saying something, considering the events of the past months.

There is no pony in your bedroom.

You freeze from pure ecstasy. It’s too good to be true! The unsettling feeling was the result of a lack of pony! Immediately, you leap onto your computer.

Or rather, where your computer used to be.

Slamming your fist on the table, you curse the (literal) Gary Stu that destroyed your computer just a few weeks ago. It’s hard to keep track of your things, you realize, because ponies seem to enjoy aiding the expediency of the Second Law of Thermodynamics. (Back when you actually were in college, you were trying to be a Master of Physics.)

Which makes you think. Before the ponies, you always thought that your job was the worst part of your life. Home was a safe and secure place where you could unwind with TV, computers, and certain magazines. But now your job seems tame in comparison with the unworldly events that so commonly torture your existence. Maybe that’s why you thought today was good – simply because being home is bad.

“Why?” you shout at the universe. “Why do you have to ruin my life?”

***

Several hours later, you’ve tried to enjoy yourself with mindless TV shows, with surprising success. You had managed to find a brand new station that only plays anime shows, and everything you’d seen was excellently mind-numbing. You had checked the bedroom multiple times during commercial breaks and found nothing, but you don’t think you’ve got off from the pony plague yet. There has been a pony in your bed every Monday for almost the last year. Why would there be an exception now?

Contented with your day, you leap down the hallway and into the shower. You don’t take your time – the bathroom still smells from Sonata Dusk’s visit. Once again, you start to curse these ponies (plus a dragon and some humans and a dragonequus and a griffon and whatever thing Ahuizotl is) for ruining your home multiple times, but you stop yourself and try to think happy thoughts.

When you finish your shower, you get into bed and try as hard as you can to go to sleep. But you can’t, because you know the voices in your head usually bother you now – plus, the light’s on.

You try to assure yourself that that reasoning makes no sense at all. The voices must be giving you a day of goodwill, like the rest of the universe. And you don’t want to get up to turn the light off.

And indeed, no voices pop into your mind. Relaxed, you finally fall asleep.

A voice shouting a particularly perverse expletive awakens you from your slumber. It takes you a few seconds to realize that the voice was yours, and that you shouted due to four large weights suddenly landing on your groin and torso. Which can only mean…

“Err, sorry. I didn’t know you would be sleeping right under the portal.”

You recognize the voice and your eyes instantly snap open. The first thing you see is your alarm clock, which mockingly displays 11:59.

“The universe hates me,” you mumble through waves of pain.

The second thing you see is Shining Armor stepping off of your body and onto the floor, looking awkward.

“Yeah, I know the feeling,” Shining replies. “But that’s not important right now.”

You struggle to sit up. A fourth of you wants to strangle Shining Armor for hurting you, a fourth of you feels sorry for him (why, you have no idea), and half of you just hurts.

“What do you want?” you ask, trying to resolve your psyche.

“Not much,” Shining says, still looking embarrassed. “Just to apologize and to do something.”

“Do you want to apologize for this time, the last time, or the first time?” You try to sound stern, but inwardly you’re interested. Nopony that’s visited your bed has actually been sorry for making a mess or being a burden.

“Both, actually. I’m sorry for, uh, burning your bed the first time I was here… I was drunk.” He reminds you of the time you tried to explain to your boss that you were tardy to work because you locked your keys inside your car.

“That would explain a lot,” you note caustically. You make a mental note to find out exactly why drunken ponies so often found their way to your bed.

“Yeah.” Shining Armor chuckles nervously. “I also didn’t mean to hurt you just now. So… do you forgive me?”

“Sure.” Was that the sixth time you had had to replace your bed? You had lost count since Rainbow Dash.

Shining sighs in relief and sits on the floor. “Well, now that that’s out of the way, can we talk?”

“Well, it’s midnight…”

“Sorry! I couldn’t come at any other time. So if you don’t want–“

“Hold it; start at the beginning.”

“So I can talk?” Shining pleads, looking hopefully at you. Suddenly, you start to be overwhelmed with the Cuteness Factor.

Trying to be disturbed that you can find adult male ponies cute, you say as sharply as you can, “Go ahead – but make it snappy!”

With any luck, you’ll fall asleep before he finishes.

Well, as soon the pain between your legs subsides.

“Thanks.” The pony flashes you a grin, then takes a deep breath. You have just enough time to wonder what you’re getting yourself into, when –

“It all started a few months ago. I went to visit Twilight, and she was telling me all about you and this other world where you have ‘cars’ and ‘computers’ and things.”

You sigh, not just because Shining Armor started his monologue with a clichéd opening, but because it brings back agonizing memories of the time Twilight incessantly questioned you about how exactly a computer worked. You think you told her “I have no idea” at least a hundred times.

“It sounded interesting. You know I’ve been here a few times already, but this time, I was dying to come here and get away from my depressingly boring duties in the Crystal Empire.”

A guy trying to escape from his abysmal job. You can sympathize with that.

“How is being the prince boring?” you ask against every fiber of your being that tells you to make this pony miserable for hurting you.

“It’s a bunch of depressingly menial jobs that comes with a ridiculous amount of aggrandizement. For example, I get to be ‘Captain of the Royal Guard’.”

The way Shining Armor says his titular title makes you laugh hysterically.

“Yes, they do announce it like that.” Shining growls. “Anyway, I all I do is weekly ‘Royal
Inspections’ where I inspect the corps’ pristine armor to see if they inexplicably acquired damage. Of course, living in a peaceful empire means that they get dinged up all the time.”

“Really?” The instant you say it, you realize you just made yourself sound like a sucker.

“Of course not!” He sounds surprisingly angry. “It’s just…” His voice trails off.

You wait for him to continue, but then realize that the pain in your body has faded to a dull ache.

Enough for you to go back to sleep.

Shining Armor says, “Excuse me for a second. I’ll be right back.” He casts a spell and vanishes in a flash of pink.

Even though you’re glad Shining is gone, you can’t help but be interested as to what he wanted.

After a three-second consideration, you decide finding out is a waste of time.

You’re nearly asleep when you hear a poof and Shining says, “Ok, where was I?”

You sit up with a groan. Clearly, this pony is going nowhere. Fine. It was time to act normally again – normally meaning “with a vitriolic attitude”.

Before you can insult him, he continues, sounding very chipper. “Oh right, the inspections.
Anyway, they really are the dullest things ever. But the rest of my jobs aren’t any more fun.” He doesn’t give you time to get a word in edgewise as he goes on about decorating committees, bureaucracy, and endless celebrations. It makes you want to give the past you the finger for telling Shining Armor to start at the beginning and then asking him why his job was boring.

Finally, he says, “Yeah. That’s about it for my boring jobs. I wanted to come here to get away from them, but I had no idea how to. Then tonight, I got into bed and suddenly, poof! I was here.”

“Very nice,” you say, “but I want to go to sleep. Good night.” With that, you lie down, pull the covers over your head, and close your eyes.

“Oh, don’t worry about being tired. Here, try this.” You hear Shining’s horn turn on, and suddenly your sleepiness simply vanishes.

You poke your head out of the covers. “What did you just do to me?”

“Sleepiless spell.” Shining grins.

“That is an awful pun.”

“Hey, I didn’t come up with it.”

You add “ponies have a spell version of coffee” to your mental list of Things I Have No Desire to Know.

Then, you both remain silent for a few moments. The two of you seem to lack a continuing train of thought.

“So,” you finally say, “what did you want me to do?” Maybe you can appease him and try to get some sleep before work tomorrow.

“Well, I kind of wanted to see your world, talk, and – forget it. I might as well level with you.” He squirms.

“What did you break?” you ask dangerously.

“Huh?”

“What. Did. You. Break.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Every pony that comes here either breaks, burns, eats, stains, paints, crushes, or otherwise ruins something of mine. So what did you break?”

“Nothing. I only burnt your bed the last time.” You note that he’s “forgetting” the damage caused by his most recent two visits.

You groan. “So what can I do to get you to go away?”

“Listen to me and answer some questions.” He sounds surprisingly desperate.

“Ugh. Whatever.”

“Okay, okay! It’s just…” Shining Armor’s jaw quivers, and to your utter amazement, he begins to cry. “It’s just that I don’t know what the meaning of life is!”

Oh joy. This kind of soul-searching can be very messy, you think, mainly because you never
could bring yourself to explore the question.

“And I need you to tell me how it is in your world.”

“How what is?” You swear under your breath. Shining got you to ask yet another question!

“What the meaning of life is here might be different than in Equestria. I need an answer and nothing in Equestria is satisfying.”

Great. Now he can’t speak clearly, you think. You will be here all night, unless if you make this fast.

“Tell me what they say the meaning of life is in Equestria.”

The pony grins grimly through his tears. “Stupid stuff. I tried everything my friends said – love, friends, parties, books. Even beer.”

You wonder if Spike suggested that one.

“But nothing made me feel happy or content, and then I realized I don’t know why I’m here, and…” His voice is lost in a fresh bout of sobs.

You have an inkling that the meaning of life is less about what you do and more about how you perceive yourself, but that would take too long to explain. Maybe you can just get him addicted to something and go back to sleep.

“Well, here we have the drop on you because the meaning of life is a lot of things. Most people here think the meaning of life is their technology.”

“How so?”

“We have an infinite amount of entertainment, all on” – you grab your phone from beside your bed –“ these.”

“Those little things?”

“These, TV’s, and computers. If we ever start to have an existential crisis like you, we just get on these and the problems all vanish.”

“What’s on these?”

“Libraries of information. Years of videos. Websites where you can communicate endlessly with others. Engrossing games that you can play endlessly. A fan fiction website so big it would take you 355 weeks of straight reading to read all the stories.”

Shining Armor looks completely awed. “Whoa. Can I have one of those things?”

“No. If I showed you these, you would want them back in Equestria, and that wouldn’t solve your problem. Plus, they’re expensive.”

But he looks so disappointed that you have to do something.

“Well, the other thing is eating.” As an afterthought, you add, “Or exercising.” You purposefully leave out drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes mainly because you don’t want to give Shining anything that could ruin life in Equestria (but, the possibility is always getting more and more tempting).

“I tried exercise already,” Shining notes glumly.

“Well, what about eating? Our food here is made to taste good.”

“It’s worth a shot.”

The voices in your head reappear and tell you you’ve got the prince just where you want him. All you need to do now is get him hooked on the food and go back to sleep. This would be an amazing plan, if it were not for one little detail. You’re not tired. So what should you do?

If you give Shining free rein in your home, the universe would dictate that you would wake up to a burned refrigerator.

If you told him that you weren’t serious about food distracting you from the meaning of life, you would be the one burned.

If you try to go back to sleep, you would end up swearing because you couldn’t sleep and you’re sure the situation would be cruelly humorous.

If you try wine… well, powerful magical ponies and drunkenness don’t go together well.

Finally, you (or rather, the voices) hit on something.

With a sly grin, you tell Shining, “Ok. Come with me for as much food as you can eat!”

“Awesome!”

Ten minutes later, both of you are standing in an empty parking lot in front of a low-budget building in the center of town. A sign over the door reads: Bob’s All You-Can-Eat, Open 24/7!

Even though the place looks dingy, you’re sure that it’s also cheap. Far better to spend fifty
dollars or so here than buy a new fridge.

Shining Armor looks around apprehensively. “Are you sure that this is a good idea?” he asks. “I mean, someone might see us and freak out.”

Nonchalantly, you reply, “Well, no one seemed to care when Discord made me float mid-air in the middle of town, when a line of ponies went outside the house and all my neighbor cared about was that they were in the way, when the Cutie Mark Crusaders crashed my bed into a cop car, or when Maud Pie filled my yard with rocks and destroyed my rig. So, yeah. We’ll be fine.”

He gives you a funny look. “I don’t know half of what you said, but if you think it doesn’t matter, it’s fine by me!”

The two of you walk to the door, which looks surprisingly old, considering it looked brand new when you drove past six months ago. Inside, you find a counter just to the right of the door, with a man who you assume is Bob slumped over a cash register, sleeping.

He looks like he’s been taking advantage of his “all you can eat” bargain for a long time.

“Um, hello?” you ask.

The man stays still.

Shining’s horn begins to light up, but you catch what’s going on just in time. “No, no, no!” you shout. “Let me handle this.”

Thankfully, Shining’s magic disappears and Bob begins to stir.

“Huh?” he moans drowsily, “Whozzat?”

“All you can eat for the two of us; how much is it?” you ask.

“$47.85, including tax,” Bob replies mechanically.

You procure your checkbook from your pocket (you did not like the 23.5% interest rate of credit card companies) and begin to write a check.

Shining Armor’s eyes widen. “Wait, so you just write on paper and then it’s worth money?”

Unfortunately, this grabs Bob’s attention.

“Wha – why is there a pony-thing here? No pets allowed.” But he sounds like he’s reading a psychological doctoral thesis.

The prince begins to open his mouth in righteous fury, but you place your non-writing hand in front of (but not on!) his mouth. “Oh, he’s not a pet. You’re just dreaming. Why don’t you go back to sleep?’

“Oh. Okay.” Bob lays his head down on the register and promptly begins to snore. Realizing the sudden hilariousness of the situation, you crack a grin at Shining Armor, who replies in kind.
You finish writing the check and place it next to the sleeping man’s arm. Then the two of you begin to inspect the inside of the store.

The store is completely empty, which is a definite plus. There’s also a surprisingly large amount of seating, considering the size of the parking lot. But to go with the seating is a gigantic buffet. Some of the buffet is closed up, but there’s still plenty of meats, hot foods (you really hope their containers have built-in warmers), a soft-serve ice cream machine, and a salad bar. And to top it off, there’s no mold anywhere!

As you might have expected, seeing leafy greens interests Shining, and he strides over to inspect the salad bar. Before you can stop him, he plunges his head into the lettuce tray and begins to have at it.

“Wait!” you whisper loudly, only half trying not to wake Bob up. “That’s not how you do it!”

And so begins a long night. After you explain to Shining Armor how the buffet works, the two of you grab a plate (actually, Shining grabs several) and you both proceed to place piles of food on them.

The two of you grab a chair, and between bites, Shining begins to talk about life in the Crystal Empire. A bit of annoyed silence later, you think, “To Tartarus with it.” And so you abandon your pony response morals and begin talk back.

An hour or so later, you’ve stuffed yourself, but have actually had a good time with your visiting pony. Between bites, he’s told stories of everything funny, interesting, or ridiculous that’s to be found in the Crystal Empire, whether it’s the time Cadance sleep-teleported into a visitor’s bed, the time he accidentally found out that there was a secret passageway that went throughout the castle and then proceeded to prank the castle staff, or the time a foreign emissary soundly lectured Flash Sentry because he didn’t look exactly like the rest of the castle guard. And meanwhile, Bob has snored soundly.

During this hour, you’ve been flabbergasted by two things. First, that you actually don’t mind your visitor. This is the first pony who has not been either a total douche or a total idiot. Okay, maybe you’re using too much hyperbole. But it’s nice to have somepony that doesn’t want to just talk about music or counsel you for a change. Second, the amount of food Shining Armor has eaten. Throughout the hour, the pony had kept his three plates full of food. It makes you wonder how much Applejack can put away. But seriously, he had a prodigious appetite!

“And then I said, ‘Dear, I know you enjoy working out, but can you please come help me work on the castle decorations?’

“Then she goes, ‘Why is that?’

“And I tell her, ‘Because Flash Sentry seems to be permanently part of them. He’s stuck inside a crystal and can’t get out!’

“Wait, what?” you interject.

Shining Armor laughs. “That’s what she said.”

You have no idea if that double entendre was intentional or not, but you crack up anyways.

“Oh, Shining,” you gasp, “That’s just plain ridiculous.”

“I know, right? But Cadance was able to get him out just fine.”

Cadance’s name sets off your thoughts.

“Why didn’t Cadance help you with your crisis? I mean, with her being your wife and all.”

His expression becomes clouded. “She was kind of the one that caused the problem to begin with.”

You try to ask how, but you notice a pink ball of magic is in your mouth, preventing any air from coming out.

“I’ll tell you when we go back to your house,” he reluctantly sighs.

The two of you place your dirty plates in the appropriate receptacle. But before you leave, Shining gestures to a pot full of barbecued chicken wings.

“What are those called?” he asks innocently. “They were really good.”

You inadvertently jump. Oh –

***

Back in your house, you flop off your shoes and sit down on the living room couch.

“All right,” you say. “So what’s really going on with you and Cadance?”

You have never seen a pony look more utterly shamed and humiliated by nine simple words.

Shining takes a shaky breath. “You remember how the last time I came to your house, Cadance and I talked to you about your girlfriend that was just cheating on you?”
Suddenly you have a very bad feeling about where this is going.

“Uh-huh.”

“That’s what she did…” Shining breaks down again, and your apartment is filled with sobs.
Your heart breaks a little inside. He didn’t have to finish for you to know what he meant. You feel furious, both at Cadance and yourself. You got mad at him just because he accidentally fell on you and you wanted to sleep instead of helping him. Then you blatantly lied on top of it. Wow. You really are a jerk. And Cadance –

“How could she?” you stutter. “How?”

“I don’t know!” Shining cries.

You want to say something helpful, but your eyes begin to tear up too, and you jump on the floor and give Shining a (manly) hug.

And you sit there with your arms around his neck, and cry together for a long time.

***

Finally, Shining’s cries and tears fade away, and he says, “Thank you. Thank you so much. There’s no one I can talk to back in Equestria. I mean, I can’t hurt the Crystal Empire’s image.”
You feel a sense of gratitude that Shining would actually cry on your shoulder, and sad too. When you found out about your girlfriend, you didn’t have anyone to cry with. So you bottled up all your bitterness and anger, and it just sat there. Was that bitterness what had caused your dismal outlook on life? Probably.

You realize Shining Armor is waiting for you to say something. “You’re welcome,” you reply.

“Now that that’s out of the way, would you like to watch a movie?” he asks.

“Sure. How about our TV show about the land where you come from?”

A minute later, the oh-so-familiar theme song begins to play. After watching a few episodes in silence, you say, “I guess I should tell you something – it’s only fair.”

“What’s that?”

“I owe you an apology too. Actually, several.”

“What for?”

You sigh. “First, I’m sorry for being a complete douche – err, jerk, for no reason. It was completely uncalled for. Second, I lied to you. Food really isn’t the meaning of life; I was just saying that so you’d go away.”

It hurts him. You can tell it does. But it would have been more hurtful to let the lie fester.

After a moment, he says, “Well, I knew that food wasn’t the meaning of life too. I just wanted a friend to do something with.”

Maybe his crisis came because Cadance had been his meaning of life. And then she let him down in the worst way possible.

“I know I’m not a good friend. But I’m really sorry.”

“Hey, no one’s perfect. I learned that the hard way.”

What? He actually is forgiving you? Then you realize something. What show and what place did these ponies come from? Wasn’t it about friendship? Had you really learned nothing from it?

“I forgive you,” Shining continues. “So… friends?”

“Friends.” You grin.

You continue to watch episodes in silence.

After a while, you say, “You know, I think I have an idea about why Cadance did what she did.”

“Umm… why?”

“Because she might think love is just about making everyone happy.”

“Well, do I look happy to you?”

“You weren’t supposed to find out.” You smile grimly. “Same story every time.”

“Fair enough.”

“But the thing is, I bet she really still loves you. And I bet she’s hurting and sorry too. So you should forgive her.”

“Forgive her? Just like that?”

“Yes, just like that. Otherwise, you’ll always hold that unforgiveness in your heart, and it’ll hurt you badly. Believe me, I know.”

“It’s not going to be that easy.”

“No kidding.”

The conversation drops off and you turn your attention back to the TV screen. Good thing you recorded all the episodes on your TiVo before Alicorn Stu ruined your computer.
Shining Armor turns to you. “This show is surprisingly accurate! How did such a thing come about here?”

“Well, I’m not sure, but I have an idea. Maybe, back in…”

***

Some hours later, you finally realize the time is 6:49.

You swear. “I have to go to work in less than an hour! I need to get ready to go!”

“Really? That’s a shame.”

“I know. Just come back again sometime, okay?”

“Okay. The portal should take me back in just a few minutes.”

Sooner, you think, as a blue light begins to surround Shining. Simultaneously, the sun peaks over the horizon.

“I hope things work out for you and Cadance.”

“Me too. Thank you for your advice.”

You smile wryly. “Take it with a grain of salt. I’m not a love expert.”

The light becomes brighter, and you can hardly tell what color the pony is.

“Oh, ponyfeathers!” Shining shouts angrily. “I totally forgot about that orb! I was trying to find a safe place to put it, and – “

The light grows unbearable and suddenly vanishes, Shining with it.

“Well, that was odd,” you say to no one in particular. You walk back into the kitchen to make
yourself some breakfast.

You pull you some cereal from the pantry. Well, that was food for thought. What should I do with my life now?

You grab some milk from the fridge. I mean besides be nicer to my visitors and forgive my ex?

You grab your Twilight indicator off the counter and freeze. What the –

Under the mug is a dark purple orb. It reminds you of Sombra’s magic a lot. Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa.

It must be what Shining Armor was talking about. You decide to stash the orb, but you’re sorely tempted to try and take its magic.

Last night, you would have. Not anymore. Also, you have no idea how you would do something like that.

You stick the mug back over the cup and quickly pull it off the counter, turning it over at the same time so that the orb stays inside without you touching it. With cup in hand, you walk outside and down your apartment steps to the one place you know no pony would ever look. To the side of the apartment, there’s a tool shed. You stride to the door, open it, and withdraw a shovel from it.

Then, you walk to a certain spot in your yard and begin to dig. It only takes a few tries to find something hard. A few minutes, and you have unearthed a briefcase. You flip the combination to 7669, and the case opens with a click. Inside is a little talisman that easily fits in your palm, with the head and wings of an alicorn and a bright red gem that’s inset in it. It’s the Alicorn Amulet, which you snagged the time you were teleported to Twilight’s bed. You figure you should probably give it back, but Twilight hasn’t seemed to miss it. Plus, it’s pretty cool-looking.

You dump the orb in the briefcase and close it. You are just about to put it back in the ground when time seems to stand still. As if in slow motion, the briefcase glows red, then disintegrates, revealing a massive glowing red and purple ball of magic. You can’t force yourself to move as a tendril of magic touches your finger, and the magic is sucked into your body.

It feels like – you lack the words to describe the simultaneous feelings of pain, excitement, fear, and joy that’s you’re experiencing. But soon the ball of magic is fully gone and you’re in control of your body again. Remembering what happened the last time you obtained dark magic, you drop everything and run straight back into your house and into the bathroom. What you see makes you inadvertently jump in shock.

Wow. Just – wow. You don’t know where to begin. Whether it’s the curved red and gray horn that’s sprouting out of your head, your red eyes (green corneas too) emitting purple smoke, your fangs (yes, fangs), your darkened skin, and spiky hair – wow. Just wow.
But to be honest, such a development is not a problem. After all, you already know how to use magic. You concentrate, your horn (that might take some getting used to) glows, and your Sombra-esque visage is replaced with that of a man in his thirties.

So what just happened? The only thing you could figure out is that putting two powerful dark magic artifacts together caused their magic to coalesce. Hopefully, the magic won’t have any side effects and you can still –

A gigantic roaring fills your head. Now you are truly powerful, it says. The voices! How and why are they influencing you?

“What do you want?” you ask, not without some fear.

The face you just disguised reappears in the mirror. “To make you happy. I have waited for a long time, but now I finally can help you.”

“How are you controlling me?” you gasp, resuming your regular appearance.

“We’re not. I am you, or have you forgotten?” The other face comes back with a twisted expression that resembles a smile. “I just needed some real power so that I could actually change things for you. Ever since that fool Star Swirl augmented your own dark energy with some real magic, I’ve been trying to help you. But I’ve always been here, a part of you that didn’t want to let those that hurt you get away with it.”

“You said that you wanted to help me. How are you going to do that?”

“Simple. Those ponies that come to your bed are all magical. Simply take their magic and do what you want with them. At work, mind-control your boss and get a raise. Go and make your girlfriend sorry she ever betrayed you.”

You have to admit that such a solution is tempting. But something doesn’t seem right. “What about friends?” you ask.

“Forget friends. You don’t need them. You never did. No matter if it’s your brother, your former roommate, your co-workers, or your ex, you know – and I know – that all your so-called ‘friends’ only really care about themselves.”

“What about Shining Armor?”

“That heartthrob?” The evil you laughs just like a cartoon villain would. “Seriously, you haven’t figured out why he was really here? He told you himself: he was trying to hide the dark magic. And he didn’t tell you until he had no other choice. Some friend he is.”

You have no comeback. He – well, you – has a point. But, there’s something else. Something you’ve forgotten. It’s not friendship, it’s –

You run out of the bathroom. You need your phone and it’s still in your bedroom. Suddenly, you stop dead, but not of your own volition.

“Uh-uh-uh. That’s not a smart idea. You’re just going to hurt yourself more!”

You fight against your mind. “I deserve it.”

Foot over foot, you struggle to your bedroom. Your dark side fights you every step of the way.

Finally, you reach grab the device and dial a number.

“You better hang up now.”

You ignore the voice. The phone rings once.

“For the last time, stop now.” The voice carries a threat.

Or what? You think.

“Or this!” And with that, a wave of hate washes over you. Hate that you didn’t know was possible to feel. Hate against your boss for being a typically annoying jerk. Hate for your false friends that didn’t care one iota about your emotions. Hate against Shining Armor for hiding things from you. Hate against the universe for sending ponies to your bed every week.

But the hate gives you power beyond anything you’ve ever experienced. It completely overwhelms you.

The phone is picked up. “Hello?” your ex-girlfriend says.

Somewhere in the back of your mind, you try to fight back.

Feel this power. You want it. You need it. You sink to your knees. Vaguely, you notice wings are growing from your back.

“Hello.” you manage to mumble into the phone before being brought down with a fresh wave of anger.

This universe could be yours. If you defeat the Bearers of Harmony, Equestria too.

“What!? What do you want?” your ex cries, recognizing your voice.

Power or forgiveness. Which do you choose?

“Not much, but to –“

You! WILL! NOT!

“– say that whether you’re sorry or not, I –“

You can never forgive her. You will never forgive her. She’s not even sorry.

“– forgive – “

You’ll regret this forever!

“– you.”

The voice in your head cusses you out as only you can. This isn’t over! I’m part of you!

You ignore the voice and tap the “end call” button with a hoof. A hoof? Okay…

The voice sighs in disgust. I’ll always be here. You’ll always need me.

And with that, the power, the voice, and the hate dissipate, and it feels like a burden has been lifted off of your shoulders. In a few seconds you’re just a regular guy again.

You sigh in relief. “That was dramatic, alright. But I can’t let that get ahold of me again.”

Suddenly, you know what you have to do. Fix your life, one step at a time. But right now, you need to go to work. You shove your phone back in your pocket and start to walk out of the
bedroom.

The last thing you think before you hit the ground is: I guess these sleepiless spells wear off.

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