Princess Cadance and Shining Armor Are On Your Bed (zakueins)
Princess Cadance and Shining Armor Are On Your Bed
zakueins
It’s amazing how even the most shockingly weird things can become mundane with enough exposure.
The past few Mondays have had a variety of technicolor sapient ponies coming through your bedroom, from nerdy researchers to techno pyromaniacs. Throw in the occasional shape-changing love-devouring insect, one adorably cute pegasus, a chorus of humanophile unicorns, and some others. You haven't been having a good time the last few weeks. If it wasn’t for the photos and the burn marks, your therapist would have thrown you into loony bin by now.
Mind you, he’s proposing medication for hallucinations. Despite the physical evidence you’ve been providing and the video, it’s been hard to prove what’s been going on. Even he had to admit that Fluttershy was heart-attack inducingly cute and generated genuine dwaaa! feelings even in his heart. So, coming home after work on Mondays has an air of walking into a pastel-colored minefield. You don’t know what will explode in your face in a puff of glitter next.
You get off the elevator and there’s no sound of screaming or people running for the stairs as you make it to the door. There’s no immediate sounds coming from inside the apartment, the door is cool to the touch, and there isn’t the smell of anything burning. Fortunately, nobody in the apartment building is looking as you check--they already assume you’re starting to go nuts. Keys in the lock, nothing sticky there and the door opens on smoothly oiled hinges. There’s nothing initially that appears to be dangerous or hilarious. Taking a deep breath, you step into the apartment, close the door smoothly, and put your bag down on the kitchen table. The mail is just junk, so it goes right into the recycling without even being read. You pull your shoes off, slip on your slippers near the door, and head towards the bedroom.
That’s when you hear it. Something is making your (very nice, new, and fireproof) mattress bounce. You got all the locks rekeyed when you kicked your girlfriend out six months ago, so it can’t be her. Which means you’ve got a pony.
“More, more! Right there, more!”
“Good girl! You like that don’t you?”
“Yes, sir, I do!”
Or, two. One sounding male and one sounding female.
Very, very hesitantly, you open your bedroom door and...the fodder of years of therapy was just bouncing in bed in front of you.
The sudden arrival of equine visitors caused you to do research into everything horse-related without actually going out to the stables. So, as you watch the white unicorn mounting the pink unicorn/pegasus hybrid, a checklist starts to appear in your brain.
1)Hey, yes, they are anatomically correct, and the nipples are there.
2)Whoever the stallion is that is on top, he’s got great skill with rope bondage. You haven’t seen ropework like that outside of the really high-end Japanese porn videos you got last year.
3)Clearly, the mare on the bottom is usually in charge. The whole crown thing, unless it’s a roleplaying prop, kind of indicates that. So, maybe she likes being bottomed in private.
4)Orgasm response seems to be more like humans than actual horses, if her breathing and the other sounds are making any sense.
5)You realize there’s a reason why they call dildos that big stallions. Therapy is going to have to include dealing with the fact that you will never be that large.
6)They are looking at you now...and they don’t know what’s going on.
So, naturally, you respond appropriately, and slam the bedroom door shut. Your legs give out from under you, and you’re lying against the door, trying to wonder where did my life go wrong and why?
A few moments later, there’s a knock at the bedroom door. “Hey,” a male voice said, “are you okay?”
You take a long, deep breath and say without a trace of irony, “I’m not having the best of evenings right now. Especially seeing two ponies on my bed.”
“We’re very sorry about that,” the female voice replied. “We were so busy, well...the only pony I trust to tie me up is Shining and we don’t get as many chances as we’d like to play…,” and here her voice trailed off.
“You were paying attention to each other and not what was around you,” you reply and take another deep breath. “Are you, well...decent now?”
“Give us a few minutes to clean up,” the male voice, Shining, replies. “Do you have clean sheets?”
The clean sheets are in the closet, and your legs seem to be working well enough to get over there. Opening the door a crack, the white unicorn looks at you and you can see his horn light up. The sheets float out of your hands, and he says, “Thank you, and we’re so sorry.”
There’s more sounds in your bedroom, and a conversation going on at the same time. You can’t help but listen (it is your room after all).
“Let me get all the ropes cleaned up,” the female voice says.
“Cadance,” Shining replies, “I’ll get the ropes, if you get the sheets.”
(Of course she liked those sorts of games, but only if she was in charge. Any time you tried to be in charge, the term “topping from the bottom” was a description, not a phrase.)
“Did you see the expression on his face?” Cadance asks, as you hear your blankets being pulled onto the floor. “Doesn’t matter what species it is, a broken heart is a broken heart. And, I think his is very broken.”
“How can you tell he’s male?”
“Look around the room,” Cadance replies. “Even if the species were different, this room is a stallion’s room.”
A moment’s pause then, “Huh. Some things are universal.”
(She never liked how you decorated your room, and always tried to insist upon adding a “more feminine touch”. Which seemed to be mostly tossing out your stuff and moving in her stuff.)
“Including role-playing games,” Cadence teases.
“Hey, I cut back on my gaming purchases after we got married!” Shining defends himself. You have to smile at that. I like him already, you think.
(She always complained about your purchases, despite your pointing out that two books a month wasn’t equal to a dinner out.)
“I know, dear,” Cadence is clearly pulling the dirty sheets off the bed, and putting on the clean ones. “How is your cleanup going?”
“Pretty well,” Shining replies. “Laundry basket, laundry basket, ah, laundry basket!”
(You were able to save your stuff from getting tossed, even when she tried that one time to just take to the trash before the garbage truck pulled away. It was a month before that last fight, and in hindsight you should have just thrown her out right then and there.)
The sound of a bundle of sheets going in the laundry basket like a flat basketball. “Got the sheets on?” Shining asks.
“Yes, help me with the blankets,” and you can hear the sound of blankets and pillows being replaced on your bed.
(The last fight...God, the last fight you had. You tore into each other like rabid wolverines…)
When did you start crying? You can feel the tears running down your face, and the door opens up under your hand. Shining looks up at you and says, “Are you all right?”
“I’m...not sure,” then a sniff. “It’s just…”
Cadence comes out and looks around the apartment. “Over here,” she says, and leads you to the couch. She helps you with her magic to sit down, and she sits down on the couch beside you, resting her head in your lap. “Was it...us?”
“No, no, it wasn’t that,” and you find the kleenex and blow your nose clear. Drying your eyes. Shining comes over and sits down beside you as well. “You two sound so...happy. And in love.”
“We are,” Cadence replied. “It’s been a long, hard road, but we’re very happy together.”
“I’m jealous,” you reply, and sit back against the couch. Cadence snuggles her head into your belly, and just listens. “Last girlfriend I had...we had a nasty fight at the end. Really bad. What was that song lyric? ‘Somebody’s going to emergency, somebody’s going to jail’? If she hadn’t left, I think one of us was going to jail and one of us was going to the hospital. Or the morgue.”
(“Of course I slept around, you could never satisfy me!” “You said you were tired or weren’t interested for the last few months, every time I asked!” “Because you were boring.”)
“Ouch,” Shining winces beside you.
“Why did you get together in the first place, if it ended so badly?” Cadence asks.
“We just clicked when we first met. We were at a party, and it was like wham, we talked and cuddled the entire night,” you say, considering a spot on the wall. “And, y’know, it felt like she was right, the one. All those cheesy romantic fantasies that you’d never admit to, ever.”
Cadence cuddles herself a bit closer to you. When did the tears begin again? “And, for nine months, I was happy. She moved in, it was like a hole you never knew existed being filled. And, for nine months, it was right. But, I have to look back, and wonder,” you continue, then Cadence puts a hoof on your lips for a second.
“When did she first lie to you? The first lie you can remember?” Cadence asks quietly.
“I asked her what she was up to one day and she told me she was out looking for a job. She was unemployed when I met her, couch surfing with her friends, and I tried to help her find a job so she could help with the bills. The next week, I ran into a friend of mine and he warned me about her. ‘She’s dangerous,’ he told me. ‘I saw her at a coffeeshop, flirting with a guy on the other side of town.’ But, I didn’t believe it, didn’t want to believe it,” your voice trails off again.
She became colder after that, you realized. She only warmed up when she needed something from you. A ride, money, a new dress...you could mark the progress of what she needed by what she was willing to trade. Then, the accident--discovering the card and the gifts she had gotten from other men, as she prepared to make the jump to a higher status boyfriend. That’s when the screaming began, and you grabbed everything of hers and threw it outside, telling her to leave and never come back…
“Buck,” Shining says to the side of you. “That’s just bucking mean.”
“I’ve dealt with a few ponies like that,” Cadence says after a few moments. “You offer them this wonderful gift, you open up your armor and place your bet on the table for love…” She trails off and snuggles into you a bit more. You can feel the tears in your eyes float away as she does something with her magic. There’s a hunk of kleenex at your nose and you can feel it being held on firmly by something. “Blow your nose.”
You blow your nose out, and she tosses the kleenex in the trash. “And, it doesn’t matter how many times somepony says it, or tells you that it wasn’t your fault. You’re still sitting here, wondering what you did wrong, where you went wrong, and why she left you,” Cadence continues. “Do you know what happened to her?”
“Rumors, that she moved in with Boyfriend 2.0 a couple of months ago. You can’t help but hear the rumors,” you sigh. “Not in town still, thank God.”
“A clean break is the best,” Cadence suggests. “May I offer some advice from the Princess of Love?”
Well, at this point, you don’t think your love life can get any worse. So why not? “What sort of advice do you have to offer?”
“Forgive yourself,” Cadence says simply. “You’re carrying a lot of burdens--the would I, or could I, or should I that always seems to happen after a bad breakup. Ponies do that a lot. Do humans keep that kind of guilt?”
“Almost to the exclusion of everything else,” you sigh. “I know I should, but holding onto the pain feels like something worthwhile.”
“Because it’s something other than being empty,” Shining says from other side. “Celestia, I remember being angry for six months because I wanted to feel something that was mine after Queen Chrysalis controlled me for so long.”
“I bounced between depressed and angry,” Cadence admitted. “Depressed because she somehow was able to stop and catch me, angry because I should have been able to do something.”
“You did so something,” Shining replied, putting a hoof on her head. The posture is almost like you putting your hand on her shoulder in comfort. “You helped to save us when you and Twilly escaped from the caverns.”
“Still...I keep feeling every once in a while like I was so useless,” Cadence sighs, and you brush her hair some more.
How in God’s name did you get stuck in a therapy session for PTSD-affected ponies? “You keep putting one foot--or one hoof, in this case--in front of the other. It’s just hard to remember when you’re walking where you’re going or what you’re getting away from,” you admit.
You look around the room a bit and think. “Let’s do something less depressing than talk about this kind of stuff. Movie time, I think.”
“What’s a movie?” Cadence asks.
So, a quick explanation of movies results and you fire up the microwave to make popcorn. You don’t have to explain comic books to them, they know what they are. Turns out that Shining is a fan, and just as much of a nerd and a gamer as you are. You’ve got is a decently large enough TV, a good BluRay player, and a copy of Iron Man to watch tonight. Oh, and a big bowl to share popcorn. You scoot to the side to let Cadence and Shining Armor (you finally learned his full name as you talked about comic books--nerds of the multiverse, unite!) have some together time and the movie starts.
They cringe a bit at the whole first third of the film, especially the scene where Yinsen dies. You have to admit that’s a part that makes you feel sad as well. It’s the scene that comes later, when Tony Stark first fires up the flight setup (without getting doused by Dummy), and the whole assembly of the Mark II suit that makes Shining go “yes!” with a resounding cheer. Especially the whole flight scene. “Pony, I’d love to have a suit like that,” Shining says with a smile.
“Because it would make you a superhero?” Cadence smiles.
“Because,” he smiles back, and cuddles into Cadence, “it would let me fly with you.”
Then, of course, we get to all of other great scenes. The party scene where Cadence comments that, “Tony can’t admit being in love, can he?”
“I think he has a problem with the idea and the words,” you agree. “He’s spent so long without a heart, he doesn’t think he has one.”
“Oh, he has one,” Shining says. “All the great ones have a heart, it’s what makes them great.”
The big fight scenes make them cheer as well, especially the Iron Man vs. Iron Monger one. It’s the last post-credit scene (which you refuse to fast forward through), that makes them smile. “I think I know a pony like that. Minus the eye patch, works for Princess Celestia as her spymaster,” Cadence smiled. “Same scary mien to him, too.”
“Samuel L. Jackson can do scary man in the shadows very well indeed,” you agree.
“I take it that’s a part of a series of movies,” Shining says.
“Yep,” and then you break out in a yawn. “Damn. Listen, I’ve got to get to bed. I can set you up with another movie, as long as you keep the volume down…”
“How late is it?” Cadence asks.
“Damn,” you reply. “Nearly eleven at night.”
“Wow,” Shining nods. You get up and start grabbing sheets and blankets from the closet. “Listen, you two can have the bed for tonight, I’ll take the couch. I know you’ll be gone by tomorrow morning,” and you can suddenly feel yourself floating off of your feet. You watch as Cadence’s horn lights up and she carries you into your own bedroom.
“We aren’t tossing you out of your bed,” Cadence says as she takes you to your bedroom. “I assume you wear something to bed,” as she sets you down.
“I do,” you reply, and “some privacy, please?”
“How do you use the bathroom here?” Shining asks.
“Big white bowl there,” you reply, “handle there to flush,” closing the door behind you.
You hear two ponies going to the bathroom, as you slip on your sweats to sleep tonight. You’re about to suggest the couch when the door opens again and they come in. “I think...would you mind if we shared the bed with you?” Cadence asks.
“Why?” you ask, shocked.
“Nopony should sleep alone if they can help it,” she replies, and climbs into the far end of the bed. You do get into bed, and Shining follows. He pulls the covers over all of you with his magic, and settles into the pillows.
You fall asleep with the warmth of ponies surrounding you.
The next morning, you’re woken by the guillotine chop of your alarm clock from your dreams. The bed is empty of ponies, gone with the morning dew. You can feel the warmth and the weight from where they were, the hairs on the pillows, the sheets moved from bodies there.
Turning the lights on, you can see a sign taped on your bedroom door-written by magic or by hoof, before they left.
Forgive yourself.
You smile, and decide that you should heed this message.
Looking towards the shower, you’re going to face the future.
And, forgive yourself.
It’s going to be a work in progress.
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Okay that wasna sweet chapter definitely hits in the feels reigon.
Well this certainly brought a smile to my face.
Best one so far.
Wow, this was a deep chapter.
That was a very heartwarming chapter.
That first bit might've slipped over the line from T to M, though.
I liked this one. It doesn't always have to be funny, and I was wondering when "you" will get desensitised to ponies every Monday
Good fun.
Definitely one of the better chapters, IMHO.
Given the events happens only mondays and that we crossed the 60-chapter-line - and take the few chapters with other protagonists - our poor 'hero' now suffers since a year of accute morbus ponii.
It just was time to give our poor hero a well deserved rest.
Yes definitively one of the best chapters here
*sniff* all these unhappy feels this chapter gave me
and now their gone
5606101 That was the line that eluded me all the time when I wanted to write my comment, but in the end I just said screw that and wrote something else instead.
it was looking to be a funny, raunchy copy of the flash sentry chapter, this it just got sad for no reason, not sure why, I didn't expect to find a chapter this depressing in a hilarious sub meta story, but whatever
hmph
also
0:48
HOLY SHIT!
This was the best chapter so far, hands down. In my opinion the story of it was good and despite the weird-ish start with them having sex, it turned out very well.
When they first started the movie I read Iron and instantly thought and hoped Iron Giant. That would be the only thing that could make this chapter better. Besides that. Great job zakueins.
Also I might be biased with Iron Giant because it is my favorite childhood movie of all time.
I liked this chapter a lot, very heart felt.
5607557
?
EDIT: Never mind.
5607557
eh, they might have different names .
...woah. Okay... at first I was just thinking "Looks like they forgot
BradFlash Sentry this time", but, this turned out surprisingly deep. Kudos to you, zakueins.Horses do have feet, y'know. The hoof is just the lower front part of it
Tony Stark, arms dealer, shining example of Humanity at its best!
Psssh. Celestia's head of intelligence is a completely unremarkable looking mare called Subtle Tea. I haven't seen anything so far that can replace that as my headcanon
Remarks and corrections:
> You did so something
"You did [do] something"
> You don’t have to explain comic books to them
There appear to be about half a gazillion spaces in front of this sentence :p
You,
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zakueins,
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are
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a
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horrible,
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horrible,
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person.
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But I think I'll have to read everything else you've ever written, just to determine exactly how horrible.
noice.
Also, a flush toilet was seen in "Three's A Crowd". I know some people took the flush sound effect in "The Last Roundup" for metaphor, and some people decided they weren't even going to give S4 a chance, but these are the things they miss.
In other news, once I got past the beginning part, it was actually quite lovely.
5616323
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5608272
Wonder how Cadence and Shining Armor would have reacted to... to...
"Suuuperrrmann..."
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Ah, one of the rare chapters where only good things happen. Most excellent.
This story gave me Pony Traumatized Sleep Disorder. Or maybe Popcorn Throwing Series Discussion. One of those.
Holy crap this was the best chapter to date.
Finnaly something different
5617176
Clearly we need a series where Shiny & Cadance Take On Marvel ft. Mr Humanl.
I could never do that.