Lord Tirek Is Having A Hot Tub Party In Your Bed (Twiface)
Lord Tirek is Having a Hot Tub Party in Your Bed
Twiface
You stumble into your apartment tired and exhausted. You’ve been through a lot during these past several months: you’ve had an innumerable number of ponies commandeer your bed, crash into your bed, eat on your bed, try to get you to sleep with them on your bed, hide in your bed, redecorate your bed (and your room), get a tattoo of your bed, and even declare it to be the last hope of the universe. For some strange reason, all of the weird things that have happened to you this year have somehow involved your bed.
“Why?” you ask yourself. “WHY do all of these weird things keep happening to my bed? Can’t I just have ONE night where nothing unusual happens and I can get a good night’s sleep like everybody else?!?!?!”
You’re halfway through the door before you notice that your room has changed (again!) since you saw it last. A pile of books are neatly stacked on the floor, your missing cup is on the nightstand, and in the center of the bed is a black-and-red centaur with impeccable pecks, a magazine in front of him and a humongous blunt is between his lips.
Then you realize that he isn’t holding a blunt at all: it’s actually Snoop Dogg wrapped in a strip of butcher paper.
“Smoke me everyday,” says Snoop Dogg.
“I’ve seen worse,” you say dryly. Then you step forward to confront the demon-lord in your bed.
“Bwaaaa ha ha!” banters Tirek jovially. “The water’s great, eh Junior?”
Then Discord sticks his head above the covers, which are now green for some reason. The rest of his upper body then follows. You notice that he comes not from below the covers, but from inside the covers, as if he had submerged himself into the sheets themselves.
“Sure is, papa!” says Discord. Then he turns his head to the side.
“Come on in, mama!” he says.
Best Pony, who is sitting on a giant rubber duck floating on the covers, flinches in fear.
“Ummmm….” she says, looking coyly to the side. She is just as creeped out about this as you are. “...I think not.”
Suddenly, they all notice you. Best Pony shouts your name.
“You again?” whines Discord. “Don’t you ever give up?”
Then Tirek shouts your name so loudly that you fall backwards.
“HOW DARE YOU DISTURB MY FAMILY VACATION?” he exclaims.
Then Tirek takes the Snoop Blunt out of his mouth and blows a massive cloud of white smoke.
Suddenly, a gigantic purple serpent emerges from beneath your covers. You recognize him as Steven Magnet from the season 1 pilot.
“Hop on my back if you want to save her!” he says.
Seeing as you have no other choice, you hop onto his back. A seatbelt is conveniently built into a chair-like divot on his back, and you impulsively strap yourself in.
“Curse you, Dora the Explorer!” you mutter under your breath as the giant sea serpent ascends into the sky.
You are now high up in the air, riding Steven Magnet’s back at a rapid velocity like a roller coaster. Steven flies in circles around Tirek, who breathes fire at you as if he is trying to kill you.
“A Bullet Bill approaches from behind!” says the voice of Spike. You look behind you and find that he is now riding on your back.
Annoyed at this, you try to shake him off, but then realize that the effort is futile as he is buckled into a seatbelt on your back. Then you hear a whistling sound.
A snoop blunt rams into you and Spike from behind, causing enormous pain.
“What the heck are we supposed to do?” you ask.
“Throw something at him!” says Spike. “That usually works in boss battles like these.”
“But what do I have to shoot?” you ask.
“I dunno,” says Spike. “See if there’s anything in your pocket!”
You stick your hand into your pocket. Your fingers find several pieces of paper, and you pull them out. You examine the papers, and realize that the fortune cookie fortune you got from Panda Express the other day has managed to replicate itself.
You decide to try something desperate: you take about half of the fortunes and stick them back in your pocket. Then you take the other half and fashion them into a tube. Then you reach back into your pocket and pull out one of the fortunes, wad it up into a little ball, and then spit on it.
Taking your recently created spitball, you stick it into the tube and blow as hard as you can. The spitball flies through the air and hits Tirek.
“Oww!” says Tirek. “That hurt!”
“It’s super effective!” says Spike. “Do that again!”
You reach back into your pocket and prepare another spitball. Then suddenly Spike yells, “A Bullet Bill approaches from behind!” You turn around and fire the spitball at the Snoop Blunt, which explodes upon contact.
“Well, this is going to be fun,” you say snarkily.
“Who are you talking to?” asks Spike.
“The camera,” you respond wryly.
Spike looks around, but he doesn’t find anything out of the ordinary. You, however, are looking directly into the camera unamusedly. You almost say something about how very few people know about the fourth wall even though it’s right there in front of them, but you hold your tongue because you know that the reader is sick of all your snarkiness.
The battle between you and Tirek goes on, with you firing spitballs while Tirek shoots Snoop Blunts and Spike warns you about incoming projectiles. Steven Magnet continues to fly in circles around the room, although he’s gotten lazy and reverted to taking the same flight path for each revolution. He keeps going up and down and doing loop-de-loops, which makes you dead certain that at least part of the story involves an actual roller coaster.
You continue shooting spitballs at Tirek and his Snoop Blunt missiles. Half of them miss, but by the end you’ve gotten the hang of it and all of your shots land perfectly on target.
Eventually you come down to your last spitball. You are suddenly enthralled by a pang of fear over what will happen when you run out of spitballs, and whether the ride will keep going and how you are going to defeat Tirek after that, but you muster the courage to shoot anyway.
Tirek stops shooting Snoop Blunts at you, stops breathing smoke, and a glazed look fills his face. Then he collapses and splashes into the sea of covers on your bed. Droplets of green liquid emanate from the site of the splash and wet everything around it, including the stacks of porn magazines that Twilight Sparkle put there when she first invaded your bed.
“Fuck!” you mutter, griping over the damage that has been done to your beloved porn. But your griping is cut short when a parasprite wiggles out of Tirek’s ear.
“Thank you!” exclaims the parapsrite. “But our princess is in another castle!”
You look back to where the rubber duck was. Best Pony is still on the rubber duck, but then Discord hops on too.
Discord snaps his fingers and a tall pole extends out of the rubber duck’s head. Four blades fold up from its sides like the frame of an umbrella. Then the blades start spinning, lifting the duck and its passengers up towards the ceiling. The rubber duckcopter crashes through the ceiling and then flies away.
“It’s been one of those days,” you sigh to the camera. “Come on, Spike!”
Spike reluctantly follows you out of the house.
Outside, you look around, but see no sign of Discord, the duck, or Best Pony. You do spot a large stone edifice down the road, which you’re certain wasn’t there before. You decide that this is the best place to search for answers. As you get closer, the letters above the doorway become visible. They read:
Ludwig’s Castle Hotel.
“We ain’t afraid of no Discord!” you say as you march toward the door. But just as you are about to do open it, it disappears.
“Woooaaahhh,” says Spike.
Then a new door appears in its place. You open this one and look towards Spike.
“Hurry!” you tell him, and prepare to step inside the hotel.
But your foot is frozen. So is your leg, your arms, and the rest of your body. Spike appears to have frozen too. You wonder if there is lag in the server, but your fears turn to the worst when corny music begins to play and the scene fades to black.
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Well that is... certainly a thing that... happened?
5799956
Really, that can be said of the whole project
And it just keeps happening!
5799963
5799956 new2.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/Anonymous+rolled+image+_6e5ef8bcb0f41a69a0189d50701294a2.jpg
Don't worry: this was all a crazy dream brought about by some really power weed. Hopefully the next one will make a bit more sense.
Admiral, you'd better add a "Crossover" tag to this. This whole chapter's a mish-mash of at least three universes besides My Little Pony: Dora the Explorer, Pokémon, and Super Mario.
5799993
Good call. I don't think this is the first chapter that technically counts as a crossover, either. Tag has been added!
...wat
Swing and a miss!
I saw the Super Mario Sunshine reference from a mile away!
5799978
There is nothing like "too less sense" there is just "too less weed".
Nonsense. Not my taste, sorry
This is going downhill fast...
I think it's best to just end it, y'know? It's had its run, and now it seems to produce nothing but crap
WAT. Sorry man, but not 'wat' in the funny kind of way. More in the 'i am confused and I don't know what I read' kind of way. I mean, this chapter was...a thing.
5800468
Grammatically, there's no such thing as "too less"
Dude, what did I tell you about eating Sweetie's cooking, smoking Snoop Dogg, and binge-playing Super Mario Sunshine all in the same night?
I seriously can't even.
Yet I keep craving more
Enh...
Maybe the next chapter will bring back the sense I've been missing so much?
ladies and gentlemen, the bar for weirdest chapter has just been raised
thankfully the title of 'WHY THE BUCK DID I READ THIS' chapter still belongs to pickleless with that Pumpkin and Pound Cake chapter
5801092
Yeah... hehe.
Language-issues. Its quite normal in german to use this.
But - you live and learn. Thanks.
5801927
Not exactly. Zu wenig (too little) ≠ zu weniger (too less)
5802251
Ah. I see ;) Thanks again.
5799993
It wasn't intended to be a Dora the Explorer or Pokemon crossover, those lines just happened to come into my head as I was writing this.
But yes, I did base this chapter on Super Mario Sunshine.
5800554
5800988
I know it doesn't appeal to everyone, but this type of writing is what I do best.
I don't entirely consider it 'nonsense' because in my head it all makes sense. But you're right: it certainly is random and illogical.
5803438
"Random and illogical" is pretty much the definition of "nonsense", love. It's not sufficient for the story to make sense in your head; the story has to make sense in your readers' heads. And this... doesn't. It's just a bunch of random stream-of-consciousness nonsense.
5799963
I find myself agreeing with 5800988; it might be about time to put this one to bed. While it had quite a few entertaining moments in the beginning, and even a couple of good later entries, on the whole it does rather feel as if the concept has run its course, and now it's mostly turning into an exercise in authors who specialize in random nonsense and "stupid humor" trying to out-random and out-stupid each other with things that are really only funny to them.
5805473
Now that I think about it, I guess you're right. This story really doesn't make any sense at all. Although after reading the one immediately before mine, I'm well convinced that none of them anymore.
And I agree that it's been dragged on for too long and I can't see any new directions we can take this. Also, Admiral Biscuit said he'd end it when the submission well ran dry, and it seems like we're nearing the end with that too. I'm just glad that I got my foot in the door before it was too late, but I'm getting the feeling that I'm the straw that broke the pony's back, which is a feeling that I do not like.
And Admiral Biscuit, if you're reading this, I think you should write an ending to the story if you haven't already. It would be a good way to tie up loose ends, and to possibly bring all the stories together (I wrote mine from the viewpoint that each is a link in a chain of events, one happening right after the other) and, well... so it actually feels complete. That way it doesn't trail off into an abyss of nothingness like all the other abandoned and canceled stories on this site... unless that was your plan...
5807734
no, we will force him and others to toil away making more chapters like the lose condition for Micheal Jordan in Space Jam, always creating new, repetitive content for all of eternity, muahahahaha
nah, that sounds boring, we should just end it
okey
I'm getting a felling this was inspired by Super Mario Sunshine.
5805473
5807734
When I started this thing, I had no idea so many people would be interested in participating and submitting chapters, and I wasn't clear about what I would and would not accept. As such, I can't in good conscious reject a chapter that doesn't appeal to me as long as it complies with the other rules I've put in place--much like the FimFic moderators are bound by their rules of story acceptance. I'm sure that Meeeester has to approve fics which he feels are uncreative, band-wagon jumping, or otherwise sub-par. I don't mind; there are a few authors who have never published before, and I'm proud to have been the story which got their first published work.
I have said in the blog that I would prefer fewer meta-fics, for what that's worth.
Overall, there are so many background ponies that a creative author could explore, I can't make the judgement call that there are no more new ideas--after all, nobody's suggested Apple Leaves and Her Eight Foals Are In Your Bed yet.
For what it's worth, I have written a 'final' chapter, and if enough time passes with no new submissions, I'll publish it. But even that won't be an official 'end' to the story; if I get another good submission, I'll add it.
5819185
It was.
5953997
One of my favorite chapters.
You're quite welcome! It's not the worst thing I've done ....
shameless self-promotion
Thanks should also go out to Estee, who inspired the whole mess (and who will probably categorically deny it).
You know just because this is hilariously stupid, Imma let you have that one.