Rainbow Dash Crashes Into Your Bed (Rinnaul)
Rainbow Dash Crashes Into Your Bed
Rinnaul
Sunlight is just beginning to peek through your bedroom window, something that normally wouldn't disturb your rest, as you use a blackout curtain to get the most out of what sleep you can catch between work and late-night internet browsing sessions that you always swear seemed more productive than they turned out to be. However, last night you left the window open in the hopes of clearing out the lingering smell of smoke.
And so, in contrast to your typical morning, you're greeted by the rising sun, the sound of birdsong, the crisp dewy scent of a fresh dawn, and the promise of an overall beautiful day.
Fuck that. It's your day off.
You pull the blankets up higher over your head to block out the light, noise, and slight chill, and do your best to avoid leaving bed without being physically dragged from it. Of course, you should know by now that such intentions are virtually an invitation for the universe to do bizarre, terrible, and often pony-related things to you. So while it’s not necessarily unexpected for something to suddenly slam into the other side of your bed, collapsing the frame and boxspring in a cacophony of snapping wood, it still managed to be surprising.
As is the impact thrusting your half of the bed upwards in reaction, as though the entire bed were a lever, sending you flying through the air. You have barely a moment to think “fucking ponies” before your trajectory suddenly concludes with your floor. You let out an unmanly squawk of pain as you come down hard on your shoulder, and agony shoots outward from it, down your arm and side. You pull the blankets tighter over you as you writhe on the floor in pain, hoping to at least delay dealing with whichever pony has been unceremoniously dropped into your life this time.
“Oh man, that wasn’t nearly as soft as it looked from outside,” a familiar voice says from the ruins of your bed.
Your attempts to curse the universe in general, your life in particular, ponies specifically, and Rainbow fucking Dash very very specifically mostly just come out as vague, pain-themed groaning sounds. These unfortunately gain her attention.
Rainbow Dash pokes her head over the side of the bed. “Oh, hey, is this your place? I’m looking for a friend of mine, Twilight Sparkle? Purple, nerdy, wings and a horn. Ring any bells?”
Your continued tirade of pain-noises seems to go unnoticed—at least, the part where they’re the result of terrible agony does, anyway.
“She’s kinda gone jumping between dimensions or something, and Princess Luna’s spell was supposed to send me after her, but it doesn’t look like she’s around.” She finally looks down and actually pays attention to you. “Are you okay down there? You’re kinda rolling around in agony and stuff.”
You really wish your preferred arm was functioning at the moment so you could flip her off properly. She’ll have to made do with a half-hearted gesture from your off hand.
“Sorry, dude, I don’t know your weird bald-monkey-finger-language. I’ll just have a look myself, alright?”
Rainbow Dash hops down from the bed and flutters her wings to come to a soft landing beside you, where she begins jabbing a hoof around your side and shoulder. The yelp of pain when she touches the latter seems to be diagnosis enough for her. She’s not paying attention to your face, and thus doesn’t catch the glare of pure hate you give her at the same time.
“Yeah, looks like you dislocated something. Stay put, I know what to do.” She catches your incredulous-yet-pained look this time and rolls her eyes. “Do you know how many broken bones, dislocations, and sprains I go in for? I’ve watched the nurses patch me up dozens of times. How hard can it be?”
This time, you manage to actually produce the words “Wait, stop—” as she dashes off, but don’t get any further because your attempt to roll over and keep her from doing anything else proves excruciating to the point of nearly making you pass out. You’re forced to lie still and try to recover for a few minutes, and when she comes back to you, she’s carrying a pile of white strips that you recognize as having once been your sheets. You groan and drop your head back against the floor.
“Sorry, but I needed something to work with, and with all the stains and burn marks, I figured you’d be getting rid of these soon, anyway.”
You… honestly have to grant her that point. Between the scorch marks, whiskey stains, and lingering obscene energies from the darkest depths of the human psyche, that sheet set wasn’t much longer for this world. Still, it wouldn’t have killed her to ask first.
And those complaints are suddenly rendered trivial when Rainbow Dash pulls you into a sitting position with no warning and begins tending to your wounds. As befitting her name, she works fast, if with little care for her patient’s comfort, but you soon realize there’s a bigger problem—Rainbow Dash’s understanding of medicine seems to begin and end with “wrap it in bandages.” In short order, she’s virtually mummified your torso, and in the process (rather painfully) pinned both arms to your sides.
You’re not certain how or why she bound your mouth tightly shut as well.
“There we go, off to a great start,” she says, beaming at you. “Now, if I know recovering from injuries—and I know recovering from injuries—the most important thing is going to be getting a lot of rest. So let’s just get you into your—” She pauses when her eyes land on the ruined mess that was once your bed, before it met her. “Oh, right, landing pad. Don’t worry, I’ve got an idea!”
With that, she lets you go, and you hit the floor with another “glurk” of pain, which once again goes unnoticed, between the muffling effect of the cloth strips covering your mouth, and the fact that she’s already flying back out the window. You decide to lie there in a state of general misery, trying to focus on the one bright spot in this day: for a least a few moments, there aren’t any ponies here. You close your eyes and bask in that one, shining, fact.
A few minutes later, though, you find yourself feeling inexplicably damp and cold. Opening your eyes again, you find your room is hidden by a field of white. You hear the window shut.
“Oh man, you guys put your clouds way higher than ours,” Dash says, as you hear wing flaps from her. “This’ll just take a second. I promise it’s going to be a hundred times better than any other bed you’ve ever slept in.”
The fog—or cloud, apparently—gradually fades from vision, and you get to watch why: Rainbow Dash is kicking and stomping the clouds into shape, compressing them into something roughly the same size and shape as your prior bed, and floating just inches off the floor next to it. As she works, the fog you had been seeing is being pressed into this much more compact shape.
“Am I awesome or what?” she says, then pulls you back to your feet. Fortunately, she manages to grab the arm that isn’t dislocated this time, and the experience is far less painful than the last everything she’s done to you have been.
You still mutter a few impolite things about her under the cloth bandages.
“Now just lie down, relax, and let the healing begin.” With that, she gives you a solid nudge in the back, sending you falling towards the cloud bed.
A few thoughts pass through your mind.
“I wonder if they’re as comfortable as they look?”
“Can Earth clouds even be used this way?”
“Are humans magical enough to be supported by a cloud?”
“What happens if I—”
You promptly pass through the cloud and land, dislocated-shoulder-first, on the floor. There’s a loud pop as you hit, but the bandages fortunately muffle all the screaming you would have been doing otherwise.
On the other hand, you think the impact managed to knock your shoulder back into place. It was still unspeakably painful, but you’ve got to see the silver linings.
“Oh, buck, are you okay?” Dash zips over and lands on the clouds, looking down at you through the hole you made in them.
That you made a hole in them, but no other cartoon physics have applied to you for this entire encounter, feels monstrously unfair.
“That looked like it really hurt, but, uh,” she hesitates and gives you an awkward grin. “At least your shoulder’s not at that weird angle anymore.”
You manage to work your jaw enough to expose your mouth from under the bandages. “Please stop helping me,” you manage to croak out, pained tears in your eyes.
“Sorry, sorry, let me just—” Whatever she was about to do this time is interrupted by a sudden swirl of blue magic above her head. She looks up towards it. “Huh? Princess Luna? Well, no, she’s not here, but… But I was helping this guy and… What do you mean the spell is about to run o—”
Rainbow Dash vanishes in a swirl of blue magic.
The compressed cloud, now that it’s no longer in the immediate presence of pegasus magic, promptly obeys its nature and condenses into water. A few seconds later the cloud is done being rain, and you are lying in a puddle in the middle of your bedroom floor.
“Silver linings,” you think to yourself. “At least the ponies are gone.”
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How about pinkie pie is planning a party in your bed?
Ya know...that is so totally Dash.
Good chapter! (This dude needs to seriously invest in a hammock.)
Kinda makes you wonder what Rainbow Dash's insurance premiums are like, and how often she actually pays for all the things she breaks with her insanely destructive crash landings...
5462830
That's a bit thematically close to what's coming in the next chapter. . . .
5462845
It's not just Dash . . . I'd hate to be an insurance agent in Ponyville. How many barns have the Apples gone through so far? Four? Five?
5461860
Pony isn't a requirement, just 'from Equestria' (or Equestria Girls).
5462030
It's a true descent into madness, I tell you.
Pure madness.
Whats about CMC dimensional hoppers?
And since Biscuit left them out of the author note I wrote for him:
I present the following challenges: "Davenport Delivers You A New Bed", a chapter where the next pony arrives just minutes after Dash leaves here, or "Stephen Magnet Is Atop The Crushed Fragments Of Your Bed".
5462865 yay!
5462830 pepper thy Angus for extreme randomness
5462905
I left that off for a reason. There are already two Davenport stories coming, one Stephen Magnet, and chapters for the next week are already lined up.
5462918
Oh. Well okay then.
And the only part of that that really surprises me is that someone else thought of Stephen Magnet. I'll have to wait and see if they have the exact same idea for it I did (which I think is really the obvious route to take it once you come up with using him),
Though it's looking like this is going to run for much longer than I expected, too.
I would say, the only trouble to this collab will be if someone somehow gets an idea no one else can top regarding a certain pony, locking that pony off forever because that idea is so good, nobody will be able to write about it again.
5462926
If everybody who's staked a claim in the blog post actually follows through, expect at least another forty chapters.
5462946
There are no ideas that can't be topped.
Sure, Knighty Rearranges Your Bed and Everyone's Pissed is the current contender for best idea, but it can't be published, since it very clearly violates the story posting rules. Which is a real pity, if you ask me. But I've seen a lot of creative suggestions, and a lot of great submissions.
Besides, everybody's tastes vary, so what might make one reader fall out of his chair in laughter will just sort of be 'meh' to another guy.
Somepony call a plumber. We got a Leak on Isle 3
Rainbow Dash destroyed my bed D:
could this be the end of the fic?
5463059
Nope. Not by a longshot.
Well, at least that wasn't one of Discord's clouds. Chocolate milk's a helluva lot stickier.
5462968
How 'bout just a blog post? I'm sure nobody would mind "Knighty Rearranges Your Bed...." in a Blog post.
Except for Knighty, but meh.
5463282
the idea has been considered. Got a couple of authors discussing it.
I really hope Fluttershy or one of the nice nurse ponies are next or these ponies will be the literal death of him.
5463407 fluttershy was already here so it would be a nurse pony not more likely to help him would be rarity
5463264
please let this be a thing. he makes an accidental chocolate milk cloud and makes bed wetting jokes after it rains
SpongeBob season 1 episode 3 is this chapter
Well, it really could have been worse. A Deathclaw could have shown up instead.
Nice story. Could actually do without the profanity. Personal opinion: It would be better without them.
I am starting to feel sorry for this guy. This is by far, the most miserable he's become. "...promptly passed through the cloud." Dang.
Possible error:
1. You really wish your preferred arm was functioning at the moment so you could flip her off properly. She’ll have to made do with a half-hearted gesture from your off hand.
has
My house might've burned down but the ponies are gone...
8216576
Throughout the course of the story, our poor protagonist has a bad time.