Queen Chrysalis Drains Your Bed of Its Love (nioniosbbbb)
Queen Chrysalis Drains Your Bed Of Its Love
nioniosbbbb
You knew there were humans with strange abilities. While scouring the Internet you had found there was a human that never slept. You found out there was a living human magnet, and another had eaten a whole plane within a year.
But you doubt there is another human that is a living pony magnet.
Oh yes! Once every week like clockwork at least one pony, or pony-related, creature pops up in your bed. Each with a different reason for being there, each being more ridiculous than the one before. You really wondered why you bothered trying to dispute the universe for why it was sending ponies to your bed.
Each day you wondered if it was going to be the day that someone, or somepony appeared. Chaos gods had tried to help you get rid of this nonsensical curse, you were sure that some jackass had found it fun to curse you, and had failed.
Heck, the universe teased you each time with the timing: you were practically expecting those ponies each Monday now, and the universe knew you were expecting them. So the universe awaited for the moments that you weren’t expecting them, to fulfil your expectations of expecting them!
The universe’s brilliance truly knew no bounds.
So when you heard the drawn-out hissing-like sound from your bed, you prepared yourself accordingly. No, you didn’t get the broom and cower down like a wuss, ready to do a Tarzan scream while charging at your intruder, no… you did something better. You sighed, stretched yourself, wore your best “BRING IT ON UNIVERSE!” face and begun strutting down the hallway. You opened the door to your room and then…
The universe never ceased to amaze you, didn’t it? You didn’t know what your expectations were, but in comparison to your weekly quota of weirdness… the universe had filled it. On your bed was one of the most unsettling sights ever.
Queen Chrysalis.
You knew it was her because you spent too much time on the Internet, and it was inevitable to crash upon “that” show. You also did a little bit of research after the first few pony visits.
Dumbfounded, you checked again.
Teal-black equine with insectoid wings and fangs? CHECK!
She’s like a motherflipping insect vampire, said your brain.
Green chitin upon her midsection? CHECK!
“Well if it was any lower she wouldn’t need a chastity belt, alright!”
More holes than swiss cheese? CHECK!
“Does the wind whistles around her when she flies?”
…
Well that was it, you were doomed. Your days were done, get ready to cry! Why? You weren’t sure, maybe having the pony equivalent of the Queen of Blades from Starcraft wasn’t that bad…
OH WHO WERE YOU KIDDING THIS WAS THE END OF DAYS!!!
During your crazy inner rambling, you were looking at her sucking a pink cloud of energy from your bed. Your porn was lying all over the bed, you swore you had hidden it better this time, as she did the same thing to them too. Well, knowing Queen Chrysalis, it wouldn’t surprise you if she was a natural porn detector.
“Are you going to gawk there, or are you going to come closer?” What in the blazes of Dante’s Inferno? Did she have a third eye or something?
“Wha… you know what? Fine! Let’s just get this over with... “ you said, resigning to your cursed fate. You moved some of the magazines aside and jumped on the bed, falling to your back. Maybe she wouldn’t be that bad if she was talking and all, perhaps if you kept her that way you would be fine. You launched your shoes at the wall using all of your strength in a lazy attempt to express your frustration.
The universe really doesn’t like you. It took its sweet time to teach you how Karma works. Like homing missiles, one of your shoes bounced back and fell on your face. The Queen of the changelings didn’t waste time to drop what she was doing and laugh at you.
“Bless you human, you make me laugh! AHHAHAHAHA! Aaaaah… I really needed that. Pffft.”
You sighed as you dropped the shoe next to the bed.
“Weren’t you a bed some weeks ago?” You said in rebuttal, hoping to turn the conversation to her own embarrassing shenanigans.
“Guess I was… hmmm,” she sighed in resignation. “Well, these books aren’t doing it, nor did the data I gathered from the bed tell me anything.”
You smell trouble. “About what?” You asked. You doubted you wanted to know the answer.
“About what love is.” She stated simply.
Your brain imploded. A changeling, a creature that sucks love, happiness and joy, doesn’t know what love is! You rose from your bed, followed by the weird look she gave you.
“Where are you going?”
You found the spot. A white paper on a wall titled “homeopathic therapy”. You read the instructions.
Step 1: Bang your head on this spot. There was a large circle around step 1.
Step 2: Repeat until problems gone.
Step 3: Profit.
You banged your head around in the rhythm of
Half a minute later you returned to your spot, the Queen having not moved from her position, looks at you quizzically.
“What in Proteus the Overfather did you do that for?”
Now, you could comment on how the Queen just used a Greek shapeshifter god in her last sentence, but the fact that she had asked the weirdest question in all of history overshadowed that.
“Well you know how the bees and the flowers…”
“I am not asking about reproduction. What? With all this porn right here you think I am a clueless baby? No I’m not asking about sex, or lust. I am talking about love… REAL love.” She had a demanding tone, and you doubted you had a lot of choice. Curious as you were, you asked.
“Well no offense, but seeing as you are supposed to be a creature that absorbs love, I have to wonder why you don’t know. More importantly why do you even ask?” This caught her off guard, and you saw the slightest tone shift in her facial expression.
“Well since Crystal Candybutt shoved me out of her home, I’m exiled from my own country and home planet…” she paused a bit, closing her eyes “... I want to go back. So Miss Moonbutt Mc Fartsalot, and her sister Princess Bangangarang were so generous, I got a second chance to achieve all that. If I learn what love is that is, which by the looks of it is proving to be harder than finding a piece of hay within a needlestack.”
“Uuuh… don’t you mean a needle within a haystack?” you tried correcting her.
“No.” Suddenly the mental image of what she said before got visualized within your brain. YIKES!
This was certainly proving to be an interesting conversation. You were willing to bet she would leave if she received a satisfactory answer. So you tried to remember your first relationship.
“Love starts from the smallest excuses…” you remembered the first ‘I love you’ slap you got in high school. It wasn’t long before that ignited a series of contests between you and your first love. You also remembered the play Romeo and Juliet.
The things we do for love...
“It’s something temporary, fragile, something you fight for. It’s worth it… most of the time. But all in all it’s something that at times begins as friendship.”
“By Metis the Wise, not this again!” Now she was the one standing up and banging her head on the paper.
“I beg you pardon?”
“Look human it’s not that I don’t know about friendship and that jazz, but have you seen what the ponies do with their friends? Their incessant singing? I mean I sing as well, but not all the time! Once they start there’s no end to it! One pony can get a whole town singing, it’s like it’s embedded in their magic or something! By the ancients I am a Queen not some kind of doll to play with!” She started breathing quicker.
“What if that’s the only way? What if I end up doing this all day just to survive? I can’t play pretend forever! I’m going to break! And if I do I lose it all!”
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” Boy, she was really getting paranoid.
“Overreacting? You don’t have a clue what you’re saying, do you? Have you seen Pinkie Pie?”
“I… uhm… yea… she passed down here some weeks before you and...” Before you had a chance to continue she did.
“Then you know what I’m talking about! She doesn’t just do this to you! She does that everyday! Every hour! I don’t know what party spirit she has in her, but her energy is infinite! Once she didn’t sleep for a whole week to cheer up a whole town! It’s unnatural! That’s not all! She’s getting apprentices and colleagues! Like that Cheese Sandwich guy!” You were willing to bet he wasn’t cheesier than her. You chuckle as Queen Swisslegs bolts up, and checks every entrance quicker than you can say “Mac and cheese”.
She was walking left and right. “This is infectious! Okay, I want to know what love is, but I don’t wanna turn into a puppet, smiling all the time!”
“If it bugs you so much you don’t have to…” her head turned 180 degrees as she struck you with a gaze like lightning, gritting her fangs.
“Sorry bad pun. I guess what I want to say is you don’t have to be friends with everypony. Hey besides… you wanna go home right? The least you could do is make a compromise! You said it yourself you sing a bit. Thought I heard you last time when you were a bed. Heh… you bedded me.” The hoof came crushing down upon your face as the sentence ended. It’s a good thing she stopped there.
“Guess… guess I can try right?” she retracted her hoof as she started calming down.
“Well so long as you don’t go sucking beds. That would suck… I mean not that being in love doesn’t suck most of the time, but you don’t want to s…” Another thunderous gaze. You backed off and raised your hands surrendering.
“Okay okay! I’m just trying to help here that’s all! Afterall you asked right? I mean you’re being a bit honest about it. You’re in the right direction.”
There are a few moments of silence before she decided to break it.
“Well this was a pleasant visit, not really, but I’m going now. Oh… I don’t have a problem with bodily fluids but for the sake of your hygiene you miiiiight want to get your bed cleaned a bit.” she said with a snicker. You blushed immediately looking left and right.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You said in an instant.
“Oh? You don’t?” She giggled and her eyes glowed a bit as they started illuminating the bed like spotlights. No you’d seen enough police series and movies to know how they trace rapists and all, and you recognize instantly the blue glow that Luminol makes as Chrysalis closes the lights.
“Suuuuure you don’t. See you later big boy.”
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Oh wow, that must've been mortifying. First Twilight finds it, then Chrysalis.
And yet another chapter.
Why, oh why don't you put the magazines elsewhere? --And when's Twilight returning hers?
But more importantly, how long before we put this fad into bed?
5541511
OUT! OUT! OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT!
5541532
Just the reaction I needed.
5541511
Not until there are more bedfics than peachfics. That, I promise.
5541585 I'm guessing this entire collab counts as one.
5541599
Not in my mind it doesn't.
Remember all the drama around the peachoploypse [which I kinda started
]? This way it's only one story, updating once or twice a day, not a flood of stories and new groups formed to blame Obs for even suggesting peaches in the first place.
I'm taking these names. I'm not even asking.
well done
5541705 Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it! In Celestia's case I tried to mix Banana and bangarang or whatever that word was.
5541494 LEL DERP!!!
5541511 Porn detector Chrysalis is on the case!
Also what is fad?
5541734
Excelsior!
5541736 Wait... put this fad into bed... You mean make him have sex with one of the ponies or something?
The best parts of this chapter: "Crystal Candybutt" and "Moonbutt McFartsalot".
5541733
Oddly, nobody's suggested that yet.
Heh.
*Plays Bangrang.*
5541763
No. "To put something to bed" is an idiom for stopping something.
5542053 Haven't we done that with the seaponies?
5542146
Eh, bu sikme.
5542164 Excuse me?
5542173
Never mind. (It's in Turkish.)
5541585
Don't make me bust open a New Story tab
There's a few I didn't write.
5542308
Do it. Don't hold back. Don't let sanity get in the way of infamy. I never have, and nopony else should, either.
5542331
Do you know what you're asking?
DO YOU?
Peaches.
Everywhere.
5542350
I am so okay with that.
img0.derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/1/15/525130__safe_shipping_big+macintosh_gay_pun_pinkie+pride_spoiler-colon-s04e12_cheese+sandwich_pinkie+apple+pie_mac+n+cheese.png
5542432
Still not as brilliant as Tuna.
I lost it a little bit at "bangangarang".
5542482 :D Banana+Bangarang=Bangangarang!
I'm ashamed that none of you has mentioned this yet.
Ashamed, I tell you.
"You've been singing this whole time, you know."
"What? I have--oh, dammit, I have, haven't I?"
5538780 Ah yes. I just misunderstood you lol.the
5541436 Oh. So you were not making a pun. Ok.
5540350 Thanks. But unless you can point out a specific mistake, I can assure you that I'm simply choosing not to follow whatever rules you're talking about. There are simply certain established writing conventions that I dispute. I could care less if that makes me look like a noob. As for the mistake you did point out, we'd have to ask Admiral to edit it. I'm pretty sure he won't be assed to bother with it, though.
5541788 don't forget her sister Princess Bangangarang
5541734
I thought it was pricess gang-bang-arang\
5543970 Well that is essensially the meaning of it but with bananas as well.
Finally caught up. Damn... This story, to good, made me cry of laughter more than once.
~OreoKookie
5544371 Oh? Thank you. I mean... "we" thank you?
pervert/flirty chrysalis is best chrysalis.
She left without killing or destroying anyone or thing... I'd call that some excellent Chrys
alis Management.Dem names.
You can do it, Chryssie, at least the aren't sea ponies.
7180318
B-b-but Shoo-be-doo! D:
https://m.