Fimfic Authors Are In Your Bed

by Admiral Biscuit

Princess Celestia Tries To Lower The Sun From Your Bed (michaelb958)

Princess Celestia Tries To Lower The Sun From Your Bed
michaelb958

By the time you finish with work, the day is on its way home for the night and you’re tired enough to just go to bed and sleep for a week. Something at the back of your mind tells you that you probably shouldn't, but it does so in such a way that you feel comfortable ignoring it.
You pull into your driveway, feeling so exhausted that, had the identical symptoms been due to alcohol rather than exhaustion, the police car from three blocks ago would have snagged the drunk-driver bust of its career. The house appears to be in its usual state of untidiness, and a pleasant smoky aroma wafts through the air as you move towards the kitchen. You glance down the hallway to your bedroom as you pass: There’s smoke emanating from the door. Nothing unusual there, then.

You step into the kitchen, having decided to listen to the naysaying voice at the back of your mind and not go directly to bed, and make straight for the fridge. You’re just opening a bottle of sweet, beer-y goodness (full-strength after the horrors of today) when the exhausted neuron soup in your head remembers that smoke isn’t a normal thing in a house. It’s the fastest train of thought all afternoon: smoke → fire → danger → damage to bed.

You’re briefly torn over whether to let the bed burn. Something tells you it’s been an unsolvable problem.
In a fit of genius, the neuron soup postulates that fire probably won’t solve it, either, and you’d better do something about it while it’s containable and your house is still intact.

You scramble for the fire extinguisher (how many this year? third? fourth? worse…?) and stupidly prepare to charge into your room. In your defense, you were exhausted. Upon the completion of said charge, you discover that nothing is on fire, and the smoke is emanating from a thoroughly annoyed Princess Celestia.

The naysaying voice drowning in neuron soup gasps out its last words: I told you so!

“Oh yes,” she forces out through gritted teeth. “Twilight told me about you.”

You notice that her horn is glowing brightly enough to rival the sunset. “Exactly what the hell are you trying to do?”

“What is hell?”

“...” >:( “Let me try again. What are you trying to do in my bed?”

“Lower the sun. It is the time for such endeavours. Or so I thought.”

For once, the neuron soup decides on a practical response. “Shouldn’t you be back in Equestria doing that.”

“Lulu will do just fine at that, I assure you. However, I worry about this world. How long has it been day here?”

You consider trying to find a basic astronomy book in what’s left of your collection. “Our sun lowers itself.”
The princess dispenses a look that long experience with pony facial expressions tells you is (heavily armoured) slight disbelief.

“And raises itself too.”

The princess dispenses a look of open disbelief. “How is that possible?”

“Look, you know how the moon works?”

“...Yes?”

“Stay put. Don’t move. Don’t try any funny business. I’m tired of ponies trying funny business.” You drop the unopened fire extinguisher, return to your severely depleted book collection in your living room, and after about two minutes of searching discover a poster of the solar system trying to hide amongst them. It’ll do. Somehow resisting the urge to smother yourself with the poster (you later wished you had; it would have saved you significant trouble), you return to your bedroom, where Princess Statue-lestia doesn’t seem to have moved at all (hallelujah, finally a cooperative one!), to begin your lesson in second-grade astrophysics.

Unrolling the poster, you indicate the moon. “The moon orbits the earth.”

“Orbits?”

You roll your eyes; how could a being named Celestia be so ignorant of celestial mechanics? “Hangs up there in space.”

“Yes, the moon and the sun both do that.” She sounds sarcastic, as if her next sentence would be “would you like a medal?”.

“No, no, not here,” you interrupt. Trying to steamroll any half-baked counter-arguments, you immediately and forcefully continue “here, the earth orbits the sun”.

If Celestia was disbelieving before, she’s now downright incredulous. “The earth is at the center of everything!”

This is an affront to all of your sensibilities; after all, you’re at the center of everything. Everything pony-related, anyway. You decide enough’s enough, and start messing with her. “Yeah, it used to be, but about five hundred years ago that got boring, so we changed it.”
“A being of such power existed? Where and when, pray tell, shall I be able to conference with them?”

She looks hopeful. You almost feel bad for bursting her hope balloon. “They died. Nobody knows where they’re buried.”

In response, the Princess of the Day simmered down, stood, stepped off your bed, and walked over to the “homeopathic therapy” poster.

Step 1: Bang your head on this spot.

It should be noted at this point that banging one’s head into a wall (or desk, whichever was more convenient) was a common pastime of earth ponies and pegasi across the land. The last time Celestia had been that frustrated, she was still a pegasus (pre-ascension), and thus it had worked. Unfortunately, horn ivory tends to get in the way. She ended up destroying the poster, knocking a fair-sized hole in the wall, and getting the tip of her horn stuck halfway through a wooden beam that had been in just the right spot behind the plasterboard.

Step 2: Repeat until problems gone.

This step proved more difficult for the princess - it seemed at this point that attempts to repeat Step 1 would just create more problems.
With Celestia temporarily held captive by her own frustration (and lack of familiarity with accidentally impaling things), you knew just what to do to get your own back on these stupid ponies who kept turning up on your stupid bed. You picked up the fire extinguisher from where you’d dropped it on the way to get the poster, and blasted the Princess of the Day with whatever the hell they put in fire extinguishers.

Step 3: Profit.

That was an expensive fire extinguisher.

Still totally worth it.

Comments

[nioniosbbbb]

AHAHAHAHAHHAH THANK YOU FOR THIS THANK YOU! :D I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!!!

[Admiral Biscuit]

5578818
5578486
I just don't know what went wrong.
th02.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/056/4/7/i_just_don__t_know_what_went_wrong__by_glancojusticar-d4qwjiq.jpg

[poisonflame616]

shoot the Princess of the Sun with a fire extinguisher, genius, have a nice holiday on the moon

[Pupsrus13]

5579230
derpicdn.net/img/2013/1/4/202094/thumb.gif

[tsaukpaetra]

Brr! That's cold!

[Spooky Moon]

5579397 that pun was so bad I didnt even know it was a pun until an hour later

[tsaukpaetra]

5579650 we made a pun? But..... I wasn't.... Oh well, we'll take the compliment.

[MythrilMoth]

Bonus points if he got her right in the cooch with it

[howard035]

It has to suck to move from a Celestial Sphere universe to a Copernican universe. I take it in this world Luna's stars are aetherial blobs stuck to the outside of the Solar System?

[richfiles]

5576703 Theoretically, said aneurism could put pressure on a portion of the brain, causing all manner of pony hallucinations and derpage!

[Nyerguds]

“A being of such power existed? Where and when, pray tell, shall I be able to conference with them?”

She looks hopeful. You almost feel bad for bursting her hope balloon. “They died. Nobody knows where they’re buried.”

Smooooth

You picked up the fire extinguisher from where you’d dropped it on the way to get the poster, and blasted the Princess of the Day with whatever the hell they put in fire extinguishers.

That was so uncalled for

[kooarbiter]

5579650

[tsaukpaetra]

5583306 fire extinguishers extinguish fires? Fires are hot. Not fires are not.

[Humanoid]

the smoke is emanating from a thoroughly annoyed Princess Celestia.

"Do you mind if I smoke?" asked the Princess.

knowingsmirk.jpg

Also, because this is becoming very silly,

[Lancerlot]

I suspect Princess Celestia felt just a little bit put out at him when he used the extinguisher on her.

[Dragaen]

5787688 fire extinguisher.

[The Hissing Fool]

Step 4: She took exception to that.