Prologue
Fimfic Authors Are In Your Bed
Prologue
Admiral Biscuit et. al.
Mondays are the worst. You've always wondered why people think that coming to work on Monday after a weekend off, you ought to be well-rested and raring to go. Ha!
Maybe in some commercial, that would be the case, but in real life, it takes a massive dose of caffeine to shake loose the cobwebs, and whatever cheer and motivation you'd managed to obtain by the time you reach the sales floor vanishes in an instant when you see what the weekend shift left you to deal with.
And that's to say nothing of the customers. There's a special level of hell reserved for customers, you hope. Sadly, you've got a terrible fear that you're already in it.
By your lunch break, you're wishing you'd brought a bottle of bourbon instead of a sandwich, and late in the afternoon, you're wondering if it's possible to hang yourself with a necktie. It probably wouldn't work, and while you were waiting for paramedics to cut you down and rush you to the hospital, you'd still have to deal with customers.
The last hour of the shift drags by with two assistant managers repeatedly and consecutively cornering you and countermanding your previous instructions. You just nod and do whatever you're told with a false sense of cheer.
You've got escaping the confines of The Man down to an art form. Enter the breakroom, swipe your timecard without breaking step, work uniform shirt off and into your bag, check the hallway for any managers wanting to have your help with “one little task” that will take an hour of time off the clock (but if you refuse, you're accused of not being a team player and given crappy shifts for the next week), and duck out into sweet, sweet freedom.
Your first stop is Panda Express, where you get your usual fried rice, two spring rolls, and a fortune cookie. Most days, you'd prefer to eat it at home, away from the throngs of people, but today you're just too weak from hunger to make home without sustenance. Plus, you can get a free refill of your soft drink, and have that for the trip home, which is a nice bonus.
Naturally, you choose the most secluded booth, and hunch hermit-like over your meal. You don't rush—your smartphone provides you with Facebook's daily drama, and further evidence that humanity is doomed in a generation or so.
Never a traditionalist, you open your fortune cookie by smashing it when it's still in the wrapper, and then pull the fortune out from the shards of dough. You blame The Legend of Zelda for this reckless disregard for breakable containers.
“Your life becomes more and more of an adventure,” you mumble, mentally adding “in bed.”
That's followed by a line of Chinese
一個小馬會去你的床上
And your lucky numbers: 2, 5, 52, and 88.
You slip the fortune into your pants pocket, where it'll either join the others in your bedroom, or become a meaningless ball of paper if you forget to take it out before washing your pants. As tempting as it is to just get up and leave your tray and waste behind like so many others do, you feel some solidarity with the Panda employees. Plus, unlike your customers, you're not an asshat.
Three-tenths of a second after you tip your tray into the garbage can, you remember you were going to refill your cup. It's not worth going after it, though—it landed in a pile of noodles and mystery meat.
“My life is about to become more and more of an adventure,” you tell the trash can. “I don't need that cup.”
Satisfied that the trash can knows its place in the world, you walk outside, just in time for the rain to begin.
Rain is one of those things that often brings out the worst in people, and this time is no exception. Whether it's being shoved by some witch who's sure she'll melt if one more drop falls on her expensive overcoat, or a driver who demonstrates that anyone with a pulse can get a driver's license, the trip home ratchets your stress level back up.
It's still better than being at work, though.
You fumble your way through the keys until you find the one for the front door. Your private sanctum is the one place where you can kick off your shoes and relax. Maybe take a hot shower, watch something dumb on TV, get on the internet, or look at that book you got for Christmas from a well-meaning relative and are going to read one of these days.
Your bag goes on a chair by the front door. You pull out your work shirt, making a mental note to throw it in a laundry basket when you happen to be headed that way. Your shoes go next, neatly arranged under the chair, and you look around your humble abode for clues what to do next.
The kitchen is a good first stop. You reach out to grab your favorite cup, but it's gone. Puzzled, you give a quick search of the kitchen, even going so far as to check the refrigerator, and strike out.
It's not in the living room, either. Not unless it got kicked under the couch. And speaking of things that are missing, that book's gone, too. It's been sitting accusingly on the side table since Christmas, and now it isn't.
You scratch your head. It's not the work of burglars; they would have made off with the flat-screen and the game console, and left the book and cup behind. Could have been something one of your friends did, to mess with you.
Well, whatever. You don't need a cup anyway. This is modern society—drinks come in bottles.
You flop down on the couch and click the TV on. The volume is turned way down, because your next-door neighbor who has nothing better to do complained a couple times, and it's just not a fight worth having. Besides, the Tru TV Caught on Camera marathon isn't better with sound. Before long, you're lost in the self-inflicted misfortunes of complete strangers.
• • •
You feel a brief pang of regret at having wasted your entire evening watching TV, but at least it helped you forget all your problems. You yawn and scratch yourself. The marathon's over, and even with something like a thousand channels of TV, there isn't anything on worth watching, unless you want to come into Vegas Vacation halfway through, and you've seen that enough times that it holds no surprises.
You take one last look at your work shirt, and decide to ignore it for now. Grabbing one last bottle out of the fridge, you begin your trek into your bedroom, where your computer waits. Surf the net for an hour, and then hit the sack; get a good night's sleep before work. You know that that hour will turn probably into two or three, and you'll be a zombie at work, but you don't really care.
One step down the hall and your phone chimes. You yank it unceremoniously out of your pocket and glance down at the screen.
You still @ work?
You pause in the hallway and tuck your bottle under an arm. No, shifts over I'm back home. Why? While waiting for a reply, you unscrew the cap and take a drink. Just as you're putting it back on, the phone chirps again.
GF dragged me over there and I was gonna stop and say hi. NP, catch ya later.
You nod unconsciously. Kk. Maybe next time. The phone goes back in your pocket and the bottle back in your hand, all while closing the remaining distance to your room.
You're halfway through the door before you notice that your room has changed since you saw it last. A pile of books are neatly stacked on the floor, your missing cup is on the nightstand, and in the center of the bed is Twilight Sparkle, a magazine in front of her and a stack of commandeered printer paper beside her.
Stats
Page generated in 0.04 seconds
Total duration
649 users online
839,992 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Second it should be "at".
This was cool, though.
A Twilight Sparkle on my bed? No wai!
I peg her with my drink and then bodily assault her with pillows for defiling my most holy of holy locations.
What do you mean this isn't a voting story?
Twilight Sparkle. In my room.
The fuck is this.
5449010 I would tap that with the force of a thousand suns.
Oh man, stop looking through my eyes! IT BURNS!
A crappy shift at
Hellwork 'Welcome to walmart! Get your shit and get out!', and coming home to Twilight in bed?"Aw man, Twilight's lameballs. No Dash?" At which point I'd evict her from bed, but proceed to share
a bongmy drink with her.And then idly wonder if the tab had kicked in yet. xD
5449001
Correction made; thank you!
According to Google...
"Pony is your bed"
Hmmm...
I see what you did there.
As to the lucky numbers, I don't know off the top of my head, but I'm going to guess something like Lauren Faust's birthday, or the first airdate of MLP G1.
Strange, I always like the rain. It has a calming effect on me.
A pony is your bed? What a strange fortune.
I think it's a trend: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/230156/princess-celestia-is-still-in-your-bed
Possible corrections:
1. While waiting for a reply, you uscrew the cap and take a drink. Just as you're putting it back on, the phone chirps again.
5450552 In Soviet Russia, a bed is your pony in!
Seriously though, the (unintended?) reverse-Chinglish cracks me up. While the revised quote is at least not nonsensical, it still reads rather poorly. I think keeping the nonsensical original might be better.
5452956
Correction made; thank you!
oh my gosh biscuit, I think I love you for making this first (very relatable) chapter
take my like, just take it!
5449468
leave while you still can, I didn't understnad why all of my friends that worked there had quit until it was my turn. I escaped before they could suck my soul out, but lord help me if another "valued customer" stops RIGHT in front of the shelf I was to stock, standing there comparing products for five minutes, with both aisles blocked, with me trying not to stand still like a dumbass
This is so good that it can only go downhill from here!
5450552 I think you have to add that thing that looks like an abnormally long hyphen, then it will say "a pony is in your bed" (but in truth, when I looked it up, it said "colt" instead of "pony")
5463423
If by that you mean changing it to
all you'd do is change it from "pony is your bed" to "one/a pony is your bed," and you'd still need to measure it (个/個 or the measure word for horses 匹 which I didn't bother to look up earlier for some reason）.
I have only the faintest idea why Google translates it that way. My assumption is that it's seeing "is in" as equivalent to is, which is directly translated as 是 in most cases. If you just do "a pony in your bed" Google translates it correctly, more or less, as
which is literally translated as "at your bed [sitting] on top [of it is] pony."
Is there any significance to the lucky numbers being the first four untouchable numbers?
as a guy whose worked in retail for over 15 years I can so relate to this character. except for the monday part. that's my only day off lol. I can't wait to read the rest but this mutt is tired and needs it's rest I am going to defiantly be following you and this story.
一只小马躺在你的床上 would be much more accurate.
This is goin' be good.
你会发现在你的床上，今晚一个神奇的马。Is more accurate.
5492072 No it's not. That translates to "You will discover on your bed, tonight an amazing horse". The awkward structure is not the result of the translation - that's exactly how you wrote that.
5513525
Google Translate seems to translate it as "magical" instead of "amazing", which kind of fits.
One thing I don't understand about Ms. Harsh is.......does she have an accent or is she just old? Her voice is different for sure in the tv show.
5773524
It's not even the weirdest thing with my name attached to it....
I proceed to headbang and ask what I did to deserve this.
Then I team up with her and write awesome fanfiction.
6929072
It only goes downhill from here. Prepare yourself for a wild ride.
That's exactly what I do!
make it
I actually feel uncomfortable leaving my tray behind, even in places where you're supposed to.
So it begins... another binge. This guy almost sounds like my future.
The smart person would realize that they too would be a customer at some point, as everyone needs to buy something at some point...
I don't know nor am I certain I WANT to know what I'm getting myself into.
8259930
Pure madness, that's what. Some of the best minds and some of the worst minds of Fimfiction came together and this is the result.
a pony is going to your bed
huh
8526135
There's actually a lot of debate on the translation in the comments. But regardless of the exact translation, it involves a pony and your bed.
Translated: A small horse will go to your bed.
Problem: It missed the magazine part.
一个小马会在你床上读杂志。
P.S Why was it written in Traditional Chinese?
P.P.S Shouldn't it be 只 for the horse, or is it 个？
我对量词的知识不是很正确。
8562868
Well, that would have been an awfully long (and awfully specific) fortune.
Google translate apparently doesn't offer the option (or else I didn't choose that option)
You'd have to ask Google Translate. I speak no Chinese.
Although fun fact, my youngest cousin was born in China.
Well, with the Prologue out of the way...
Someone obviously has worked in retail. I don't know who, of course, but someone. That's about right, if I'm being honest. Oh god, do customers get in a bad mood sometimes...
...
8841718
I've worked in some kinds of retail. Not the kinds that most people work in, thank heavens, but I do have some experience dealing with idiot customers.
I knew what that meant at First Sight. For your reference, if you need it, it means “A pony will come to your bed.”
Nice attention to detail!
Yeah, that's the hell for Sales Reps. ;]
We’re all in our own personal hells.
Luckily, I don’t have to deal with customers (generally), just their broken cars.