Chrysalis has been blasted into the badlands, two months after Princess Twilight's coronation, the ex-changeling queen appears badly injured and seeking forgiveness and a redemption to her race, could the ponies give her a second chance, also, a storm is brewing, because of Twilights heritage...
(inspired in this video by Vavacung, hope you enjoy)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A Note: This criticism is not meant to either insult or discourage you. It is just suggestions on how to improve your story. This is just my opinion; use it as you see fit.
This has quite a few grammar issues, but prose-wise, the biggest problem by far are the run-on sentences. They made this very difficult to read through for me. You also have points where you have no ending punctuation at the end of your paragraphs and points where you don't capitalize Canterlot. I strongly suggest going through and editing this.
Otherwise, it's an okay start, although I think it needs some work. It's fine that Chrysalis has come to Celestia for aid, but the reaction Celestia has to it is contradictory. Please look at these two things:
It really doesn't make sense to me. She wants to help Chrysalis, but also has Cadance and Shining Armor coming to testify against her in order to bring about "justice"? I suppose that's possible, but the way it's presented, it's like she's going in two different directions, and it doesn't make sense to me.
Overall, I feel like a great thing for you to do is to not have so many run-on sentences. I can't say anything more about the story, except I think it has potential. It needs a good edit, and I think you need to get down how Celestia actually feels about this, but other than that, it's decent.
That's all I have for this chapter. I wish you the best with chapter 2!
5452432 thanks for your advice, i will be correcting that in the morning, as for celestias attitude, lets just say that it is a little something i have on reserve, thats why she is very contradictional now...
I don't think there is anything I can say to help towards the story because I think someone covered it all already lol
So far I really do like this story and really wish to see more soon ^^ something about her getting a second chance just makes me love the story.
Not to be an ass but this sounds like an overhyped idea that people should have used earlier. It's like everyone wants to steal some fame for the corellation with Vavacung's vid. Regardless I will give this a read.
Small correction. it's not My it;s Mi and i think Celestia would use her prefered name Cadance in a personal letter.
OH COME ON, THese chapters are just too short!
5467344 working on longer chapters, glad to see that you are interested in my story, I have plenty more that you can check in the meanwhile and thanks in advance for your patience
Why do I have feeling sometime later, Chrysalis is gonna meet Fluffle Puff.
5469397 hmmm lets see...
Can't wait for the next part but I do hope it will carry more length, no rush at all ^^
Sounds interesting enough. Keep going please
You have an awesome story but you are in SERIOUS need of an editor.
Its short and idea of flutterponies into changeling via discord its nothing new,you need to give more into this story ;p
Is English not your first language? You need an editor.
5492691 yup i know but all the times i try to get an editor, the story begans to crumble down due to envy, bad comments and negatives for no good reason
5492699
Well I plan on following your story until you finish it or stop updating. It's an interesting premise, and I can overlook some mechanical difficulties. Hopefully you will learn as you progress, and future chapters will improve in technical quality.
5493247
Aye. Same here. Who cares if it's not up to par, grammar wise? It's a great fic, and it'll only get better with time and experience.
Now, as for those hate things you said you kept getting, People are stupid at times. We're the smartest beings on Earth, yet also the stupidest. Try not to let it get to you, heck, even I might end up saying something stupid. And if I do, sorry in advance!
Indeed, note that it has 33 likes and zero dislikes. That's a pretty good ratio.
First off, Opportunity is spelled with double P's, if you don't mind me pointing it out?
Wait, Chrysalis is still a Changeling, even if she is no longer their Queen, which makes her and ex-Queen. Not and ex Changeling, right?
The redemption is for her former subjects, the Changelings.
I am Amazed at how you managed to keep your story at this rate, with these blatant issues up front.
Now I just need to read the story, which looks interesting and promising, this far. I love the remise, based on wherethe Canterlot Wedding took off in Canon and all.
5505143 Just a small correction, aside from that it now are 40 votes for, but it is Great, at the very least.
5492699 Btw you got featured a bit ago.
YAY!
YOU GUYS ARE ABSOLUTELY SCREWED!
Please dont make Shinning a rasist ass.
5568951 ok thanks for the correction
5569025 really ?
5569146 It was there just a minute ago when i checked.
5569151 usually when we are featured usually the admins give us a little warning (a mail)
5569154 They do? I was not aware.
5569144 You are quite welcome.
Should make the story even more enjoyable, I think.
well that was short.
5492699
5493247
Ditto on that.
It is a good premise. Despite that English is not your first language, in my opinion... you are doing quite well. And writing is the best way to become more proficient. Congrats on that!
And hope you continue with the story; it is a good premise.
ending lol
5713133 EEYUPE
I wouldn't have seen that video without that link, so I'm already happy. But yeah, there are still a lot of errors that need fixing, including the title: "There is a changeling on the doorstep".
Dammit shining.
5713189 corrected, and thanks for the typo
Shining”
“Yes dear?”
“Tonight you will be sleeping on the couch.”
Yeah... take that bastard!
You goofed up
Come on, he also needs to do her chores too.
Spelling error in the first few paragraphs:
They're*
I like the story, but it feels to short, maybe you should try to stay at least above 1.000 words every Chapter.
Okay i hate Shining for that, now i want that Twilight give him a piece of her mind for the first time, she should give him a light punishment, because he forced a Spell on her, in every fanfiction, Shining thinks he can force his sister to stay behind, or do exactly that.
I know he wants to protect her and stuff, but i don´t like it if he thinks he can do more than he is allowed to do. It is okay if you write him like that, but i would like her to respond in a accordingly.... way.
ohhhhh he is really an idiot, but i think Twilight should still....., maybe shot a light angry Blast at him, or something like that, it would satisfy me more that way, but i am happy enough that Rainbow defended her.
PS: I noticed that he think she would be a Chanceling, but sometimes i think Shining and Cadance are paranoid
5743520 je... well they act kinda paranoid in here... anyhow in next chapter you all will have a surprise
5743528
When?
I would still be laughing at Celestia predicament even if I knew what she does and have no regrets about it.
5822569 same thinking, also great to have you here
I can't read any further. There are just too many small flaws built up for me to give this anything but a thumb down.
(It badly needs a proofreader, the characters feel stilted, the chapters are too short, etc.)
Lol!
best line ever.
That said there are still quite a few mistakes with commas (overuse and more pressing, the lack thereof.), spelling errors, and format. You and your editor should check it over once more after they're done. It's easy to overlook these things.
Now, PLEASE UPDATE!!! Thank you!
6233301 dully noted, right now i am working on the next chapter, the things that are keeping me a little behind curtains right now is RL and that i dont have any editor, also english isn't my mother language