Chrysalis tries to make up for what she's done, even if nopony knows it. But what happens when she's found out?
(Two endings, one will be far far more heartbreaking - hence the tragedy tag. Based on the video 'If I Were A Pony', which can be found on youtube, and is unrelated to my other changeling fanfiction(s).)
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I just went and watched that video. I am sad now.
5453461 I know how you feel...
Whop, there we go, someone's making a fanfic on it.
I think I might too actually, about time I wrote something
5453944
And with mine as well.
Not that poetic and hearttuging like vid but its kinda start.
I'm little dissapointed that you used blue feathers aka luna were it was most sad/beutiful thing in movie and here is just uh nothing? Maybe you plan as plot proggression for this, and I hope that is the case
5453461 *pats on back* Then I'm sorry you're reading this~ I plan to make the ending tragic.
5453562 *hugs* Get ready for a ride, then!
5453671 Yeah, I had a comment that introduced me to it, and I just had to write it! If you want to write one, get to it! Writing's so much fun, and it's a great way to spend your time~
5453944 Glad to have hooked your interest~
5454028 >w< Thanks much for the comment!
5454575 Yeah, it's going to be quite a bit of plot progression. Thinking about Chrys's character, she wouldn't care much, in the beginning, about feathers. Also, in writing a full fledged story, instead of, say, a poem, it would be far less poetic. However, I do still hope you'll read this and enjoy it!~
Seems to grab my attention quite well, can't wait to see where you take this. My only qualm at this point is how you handled the transition from the first chapter to the second.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
Seems like Luna is involved. However, I have a feeling that one of those two endings you mentioned will end up following the video's ending. And I will be sad. You wouldn't like me when I'm sad.
..
...
Iwouldcryandyouwouldfeelbad
5457396 Yeaaah, it is a bit abrupt. She's not supposed to stay in Appleloosa long; it's just an explaination of the setting before the main one (Ponyville). Glad I hooked you!
5457535
Mwahahaha your tears are what drive me to write!
Also, maybe your assumption is right. Maybe it's wrong. Whoooo knoooows.
Why picture is human?
5462034 I know the picture is human. Not TOTALLY accurate to PMV. I had to change the picture from the cover art because of someone else having the same idea, and it was confusing the heck out of me. As such, I spent literally two hours trying to find a better picture. I had an idea when I looked at this one, and idea for a dream for Chrys to have. The picture isn't true to the PMV, I know, but it will make sense in context of the story (in which she will have that same sort of picture happen, but in pony form).
5462858 At least. Find a cover picture that Chrysalis in picture isn't human. You will confuse some reader and some reader may not come to read your fiction because they thing your fiction is about ponies in human form. The cover of fiction is something that should invite people, not make them ignore it or look away from it.
5463395 I know, I considered looking on further. But after 2 hours of searching for something that spoke to not only the deeper meaning of the fan fiction, but what it says to readers, this was what I found.
'apt' portrayal?
You see, despite this being humanized, it is the one thing that speaks to the beauty of what's happening in this fiction. Do you see how the hair is tangled in the trees? Imagine those trees as Chrysalis' past mistakes. Things she needs to, so to say, 'untangle' herself from. The pale white skin matches the pure white fur she has as a pony, symbolizing what she wants to be as a pony - pure. Better than she was. And, around her, what looks like snow - but what is truly those blue feathers that are currently unexplained (having made the PMV, you of course know what those symbolize).
For you, however, I will... attempt to find something else, I suppose. Maybe I can use the picture again in a more...
Edit: Also, having it be a pony is just as deterring as having it be human. I know people that, as soon as they see a pony on the cover, toss the fic out as something they don't want to read. Any cover art can throw away any reader. As such, I usually try to focus more on that the art means, rather than what it is on the surface.
this could be really interesting to see how it all ends up :)
5467068 That's the plan!
i am really looking forwards to it :)
I am intrigued, I like this intro more than the "If I were a pony"´s (the story one).
better than me.
take frantically out or take panicked out.
should be "I wonder:" due to it starting a list of questions.
Every case of
should have a space between the word and the ellipsis.
It should say have, not got, both times.
Should be "W-why?".
Why this isn't exactly wrong, it is longer and doesn't flow as smoothly. Editing this sentence is fully optional.
Good second chapter.
Use a comma not a hyphen, also, there should never be spaces around a hyphen.
It should say onto unless you do mean the changelings are being buried.
should be "I just … I had never meant any of this … why had this happened?" The word after an ellipsis should not be capitalized unless it is a proper noun. Ellipses should have a space before and after.
Remove the comma.
We are not Chrysalis, unless, unless we are. Insane symbolism overload.
"I groaned as I stood once again."
Take out have.
struggled*
5470186 I am continuing on a new comment because it is hard to do long comments on a Kindle.
Take out the comma between survive and now. Blasphemy means to speak wrongly about God, so use a different word please.
Remove but.
should be "keep walking as my subjects slowly die."
It should say "I struggled onwards."
No comma and on, not of.
should be "But still, for days, I continued until I finally found grass."
Period instead of an ellipsis. A filly is a child while a mare is an adult. No comma after hair.
before not as.
5470235
should be: Two ponies, a male and female by the sounds of it, were outside the dim room arguing.
“We can’t jus’ let her starve,” the male was saying.
No comma.
No ellipsis.
It should read as follows: I shy away from him until he holds up the bowl of soup. I sniff at it. It smells delicious. I might not need food, but it certainly isn’t unwelcome.
“Here y’all are …
No comma.
Final paragraphs should read as so:
“M-My name? ...” I think. He said his cousin was that pony, Applejack, earlier. She knows me. I needed a name and fast.
“I’m … Call me Crystal … Crystal Flower.”
“Alrigh’, Crystal. Get some rest now and jus’ call if y’need anythin’.”
I nod, feeling another bit of love. This stallion is very kind, even though I am a stranger. I smile. How … nice. It’s a new feeling, niceness.
I close my eyes. For some reason, I dream of blue feathers. In the morning, the dream fades. It is of no matter however; there is more soup to eat.
5470329 I have only one thing to say, to all of these 'fixes': How about no? ^^; I know you mean well by most of these, and a great deal of them I chose to follow. However, you are taking some of these sentences and just... utterly changing the way Chrysalis speaks. A great deal of the changes you suggest make the narrative clunky and awkward. As the entire narrative is written from the aspect of Chrys' mind, it is bound to be a little strange to read. As the story progresses, the narrative will change in some ways, because Chrys' is changing as well. So, while I thank you for your... extensive edits, I will only be following a few of your suggestions. Thank you, I suppose, for your time.
5472656 meh, one can try.
Hyphens are not used in place of em dashes or commas. An em dash doesn't have spaces around it either. —
Both of these sentences say the same thing, just one elaborates more on the failure. I suggest the first sentence be removed.
Change of perspective here, everything is first person and this is suddenly second person.
You are flipping between present and past tense a couple times within a paragraph.
Comma or em dash, no hyphen.
In this paragraph she is talking about what she has been trained to do. I feel that "I" would fit here better.
Again, an em dash would work here. They are kinda like a comma but a little more sudden and marking a larger break from the original sentence's path of narration.
These three sentences seem to contradict each other since the lines start out with her never having dreamt before. Adding some words to mark a different in time like, "But now", or something like that would help with clarity. Also, I feel this portion should be two sentences and not three. Changing one period to a comma will also have the effect of making the comma before "and" correct.
Word repetition. A slight rewording would help clear this up, for example "with a rose stuck through her green hair."
AJ isn't the Element of Harmony, just the Element of Honesty. A member of the Elements of Harmony.
Should have a question mark in there even though the supporting text states it is a question.
Stutters are usually marked with the full sound being stuttered, "Th... thank you..." That is, unless, Chrysalis was going to say something that started with a hard T.
Interesting take on the concept, I like that it is tragedy, haven't read one in some time. They can be particularly hard to pull off though.
Edit: Some of The1templar's advice is wrong, like the stuff about ellipses. It really depends on how they are treated. Like a period, there is no space before an ellipsis but there is one after.
5737023 I dare say, you do a much better job explaining than most critics.
For one thing, however, I... don't know of a em dash. You put a "--" on there, but that's not quite what you meant I think. That's just two dashes in a row. And I'm not positive why they're wrong, exactly. I also didn't know the thing about the question marks. I could've sworn I had the "Why," blah asked correct...
And as for the perspectives, you're totally right. I sort of changed my mind halfway through writing the first chapter and switched the point of view entirely. Not only that, but I completely messed up the editing. I've always been god awful at keeping my tenses and points of view in check, but this one just ended badly.
Thank you for the advice, and I'll try to do as many of these edits as I think I can pull off.
5738817
To start off, there are three types of dashes (and no, not Rainbow Dashes):
Hyphen: -
En dash: –
Em dash: —
A hyphen is used to join words together, you don't really need to worry about en dashes, and em dashes are a 'more sudden comma'. Here is something that might shed a little more light on an em dash.[/ur] In brief, it is a stronger comma, but not parentheses strong. Going back to the double hyphen, many word editors turn "--" into an em dash automatically. Though Google docs and FIMFic don't, they have to be put in using alt codes or key combos.
When I edit, I try to only get stuff that doesn't really affect the flow of sentences. I like being a little more flexible but I am harder on some rules than I have been in the past due to people taking something I said and running with it.
5739904 Huh... Never knew any of that. ^^;; I'm in AP Lang right now, and my teacher just tells us to use dashes as you use EM dashes. I'll have to ask her about that.
5740261
I don't think it is really that well known, but I have been editing off and on now on this site for about 3 years. I have consulted with other editors that I know are better thane me for advice and other material I can learn from. I just hope I am better than I was.
5740724 It's always great to learn more >w<
5741341
I don't know why I focused on English spelling and grammar when I am graduating as an engineer. Kinda seems like an odd path to take for me.
5742791 Hey, I absolutely love making things with my hands and building things absentmindedly, but I want to be an English Teacher. ;) Everyone's a little strange sometimes. That's what makes us so fun!
5458932 I was going to make a joke about someone else doing this.
Is this a version you are done with or what?
6573986 Hmm... I am continuing this, but it's taking me forever to get the next chapter out. This one is really hard to me to write because I never really had any interest in writing this fiction when I first started it. :P I'm hoping to get into the swing of things soon.
6574320 Try not to push yourself on doing something you don't have your heart on. Otherwise it might not turn out as expected.
Wished to see this completed
8839482
I'm still working on this one. It's the one that's gone through the most editing behind the scenes, story wise. It takes awhile but I still work on all my fics.
8841190
Yay, had me worried a good story had been forgotten.
8841190
Still working bud? Can you give us an update please?
9865677
Always working, don't worry. I don't allow any of my fanfictions to "die" but they do like to completely fade away until a random update comes years later. I work hard, but I work hard on a lot of different things. I'll be honest - I really hate this fanfiction. I loathe it. I had wanted to do a small cool fic, but I ran into a LOT of problems right at the start of posting this, and it spoiled my feelings for it. But I'm still trying. It's just going to take me even longer than some of my other fictions because I don't have any desire to write it.
9869902
Alright, if you hate this fanfiction, you don't like it then cancel it, I may dislike fanfictions being cancelled but if it's for good reason then go to hell with it, if this fanfiction makes you mad or you just not want to make it then don't, do something you like something that makes you happy, make an one-shot that can be turned into an full story or just an one shot do what makes YOU happy dude
9870492
You have a fair point, but at the same time, it would hurt me more to discontinue it, given that so many others seem to like this one. I'll still work on it, but only in the moments that I find myself able to.
9871143
Alrighty then, if you need an pro-reader then I be willing to help, but back to what you said, I understand what your getting at and your reason but I just find it hurting to see someone basically Force themselves to do something that they Really dislike/hate
And that's coming from me whom is (atleast) mildy depressed