New Opportunities

by shenadri

Departure from Canterlot

After the changelings were recognized as citizens, princesses began making a small series of conferences to eliminate doubts about the strange shapeshifters, however, the vast majority of Canterlot still did not believe that the insectoid ponies had changed their ways, and after a couple of incidents with the nobility, finally Queen-princess Twilight Sparkle decided to leave the capital city for the land offered by the crown in the wild Everfree.

they would have liked however to leave quietly.

"STOP!" Blueblood shouted, pointing to the row of changelings behind the carriage where Crysalis and Twilight were "I demand retribution for all that these beasts have done to all citizens of Canterlot's lineage.

Blueblood, despite being a pain in the ass, could never get away with Celestia and Luna presiding over peace talks and public events, however, at this time, the changelings were apparently leaving the city unarmed, and the pompous Foal thought it was the ideal time to solve the grievances that he and the rest of Canterlot Elite had suffered from the shapeshifters' hooves, also the irascible noble had gathered a lot of Canterlot's elite to deal with the menace of the Changelings themselves.

That was, until the changelings actually looked towards the mob, and promptly they fall into the street, laughing and hitting the cobblestones with their hooves, in his haste, the idiot prince could only gather a lot of old stallions, and besides Blueblood master crafted rapier, they had answered with haste, bringing the first thing they could find to try to repel the "invaders" so the mob was armed with brooms, sticks, and mostly teapot, but nothing else, then, to everypony's surprise, Twilight Sparkle herself came down from the chariot, making slow steps, going forwards to the impertinent pony and his ragtag team.

"My little ponies, what is happening here," Twilight asked, looking forwards to the crowd, one of her ears twitchin

"We do not need a patchwork princess to drive these invaders out of our beloved city," Blueblood said, without even noticing the thick vein throbbing in the former librarian's forehead, "so, princess pet, if you were so kind of ... "what he was going to say was lost, when a furious Twilight Sparkle simply raised his hoof and hit him with such a blow, that she sent him flying back at least a couple of blocks, hitting the body against a stand of fruits at the end of the street.

"First of all, Blueblood, I am not a patchwork princess, I have taken under my protection these changelings, as an endangered species in the world, second, I may not have been the best choice to ascend and have the honor of being a princess, but at least I have enough decorum to not go behind the backs of my peers, undermining a peace that cost a lot of sacrifice, and third "Twilight's voice rumbling through the city," no one would says that I am a pet, I am my own mare, and Celestia will keep you if I hear something like it again "Twilight finished, letting part of the Arcanum wrap around her, changing her appearance, her coat became white, and her mane, affected by magic around her, she immediately acquired the appearance of fire, the eyes of the mare, now scarlet, were nailed to the prince's excuse, challenging him.

However, after the princess's harsh reprimand for Blueblood, the prince simply got up, straightened his torn jacket, picked up his rapier, simply approached Twilight, however, before he could continue, several changelings began to close ranks, possibly intimidated by the weapon that the stallion carried, in a couple of steps, he simply dropped the rapier, rode through all the shapeshifters, broke the rows and being a meter or less from Twilight Sparkle, lifting the head he proceeded to spit at the princess.

"I will never recognize such a patetic mare to surrender as a noble, I, Narcis Blueblood, challenge you to duel Lady Twilight Sparkle, about the rights you have right now as a noble, if I win, your life belongs to me."

'This will stop her,' thought the stallion, 'nopony knows this tradition, and she has nothing to do since the last files with the protocol on noble duels were lost about four hundred years ago according to my grandparents'

At that precise moment, Celestia and Luna arrived, however, a sepulchral silence arose, only broken by a tremulous voice.

"I, Twilight Anbura Sparkle, I accept the challenge, If I win, Your life belongs to me"

Comments

[Texus]

"My little ponies, what is happening here," Twilight asked, looking forwards to the crowd, one of her ears twitchin

I don't remember much so far, but it'S weird seeing her saying that.

I am my own mare, and Celestia will keep you if I hear something like it again "Twilight finished, letting part of the Arcanum wrap around her, changing her appearance, her coat became white, and her mane, affected by magic around her, she immediately acquired the appearance of fire, the eyes of the mare, now scarlet, were nailed to the prince's excuse, challenging him.

you could argue about that, but I won't say more, because I know what the people are going to say that can argue a bit better than me.

"I, Twilight Anbura Sparkle, I accept the challenge, If I win, Your life belongs to me"

eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhh she probably doesn'T want him.

Well what can I say, thank you for the new chapter, but I guess my opinion is slightly based on the fact that I remember more or less nothing right now.

[GamePlayer64]

I bet fifty bits on Twilight.

[Night Star the Scholar]

Holy cow!

Took you forever; even thought the story was dead. But finally!

Glad it's been updated!

[Traveling Soul]

8561076
I bet a 100 on Twilight finishing him whit one attack.

[PonyDragon]

I found this story popping up in the "Latest Updates" list and gave it a look.

After reading only the last chapter (currently short on time) I came to believe you really should consider to look for an proofreader/editor. The story itself looks interesting so far, but it is filled with errors of all kind. (But nothing, that can't be fixed.)

And to add a few thoughts to one of the scenes:

'This will stop her,' thought the stallion, 'nopony knows this tradition, and she has nothing to do since the last files with the protocol on noble duels were lost about four hundred years ago according to my grandparents'

1. Then how do you know about them?
2. Did you forget you are talking to Twilight Sparkle? She lives is a library and is called book horse for a reason. If there are some rules about this, she will probably know.
3. Even if not: If no one remembers them, no one will notice if she violates those rules.

(Last small note: you forgot to add the source of the cover art.)

[FinalFan]

Welcome back! I finally caught up with this story again. Nitpicks follow: any time a semicolon was suggested, feel free to use a period instead. A semicolon is just the writer saying, "these are grammatically complete sentences, but I want to bind them together instead of having separate sentences."

NOTE AFTER HAVING FINISHED NITPICKS: I noticed that there were more than one paragraph that were just a single massive run-on sentence. After a horrifying thought, I did a Ctrl-F looking for periods, and found my worst fears realized: EVERY SINGLE PARAGRAPH IS JUST ONE SENTENCE. Now, it is by no means required to have paragraphs be more than one sentence long, but when NONE of them are that's a major red flag. I assure you that many of the paragraphs you have written are multiple sentences mashed together with what are known as "comma splices", which are basically (slight oversimplification) commas where periods should be.

they would have liked however to leave quietly.

They (caps)

where Crysalis and Twilight were "I demand retribution

were. (Period)

Blueblood, despite being a pain in the ass, could never get away with Celestia and Luna presiding over peace talks and public events, however, at this time, the changelings were apparently

He couldn't get away with Celestia being in charge? This makes no sense. I guess you mean something like "could never get away with anything serious"
"events; however, at this time, the" (The "however" is fine but it is standing in the middle of two complete sentences, so a semicolon or period is called for.)

the pompous Foal thought

foal (no caps)
fool (Per Celestia's dialogue in the first changeling invasion, ponies say "foolish" not "foalish", but you can override canon if you really want to I guess)

he and the rest of Canterlot Elite had

either "of the Canterlot elite" (no caps, add "the")
or "of Canterlot's elite" (no caps, add possessive)

That was, until the changelings actually looked towards the mob, and promptly they fall into the street, laughing and hitting the cobblestones with their hooves, in his haste, the idiot prince could only gather a lot of old stallions, and besides Blueblood master crafted rapier, they had answered with haste, bringing the first thing they could find to try to repel the "invaders" so the mob was armed with brooms, sticks, and mostly teapot, but nothing else, then, to everypony's surprise, Twilight Sparkle herself came down from the chariot, making slow steps, going forwards to the impertinent pony and his ragtag team.

This entire paragraph was written as a single way-too-long run-on sentence. Possible breakpoints:
with their hooves. In
but nothing else. Then
(Also:)

the changelings actually looked towards the mob, and promptly they fall into the street

promptly fell (past tense, and "they" feels wrong but I can't put my finger on why exactly except that it's not necessary because "the changelings" from earlier still applies)

prince could only gather

prince had only been able to gather

besides Blueblood master crafted

besides Blueblood's master crafted

and mostly teapot

and mostly teapots
and teapots (why "mostly"? Teapots outnumber all other items being carried?)
(Not incorrect exactly, but suggested:)

from the chariot, making slow steps, going forwards to the impertinent pony and his ragtag team.

from the chariot, stepping slowly towards the impertinent...

"My little ponies, what is happening here," Twilight asked, looking forwards to the crowd, one of her ears twitchin

here?" Twilight asked, (question)
twitching. (spelling, period)

the world, second,

world; second, (semicolon)

sacrifice, and third "Twilight's voice rumbling through the city," no one would says that I am a pet, I am my own mare, and Celestia will keep you if I hear something like it again "Twilight finished, letting part of the Arcanum wrap around her, changing her appearance, her coat became white, and her mane, affected by magic around her, she immediately acquired the appearance of fire, the eyes of the mare, now scarlet, were nailed to the prince's excuse, challenging him.

sacrifice; and third," (semicolon, quote placement)
(suggest either -Twilight's voice rumbled through the city- or -Twilight said, her voice rumbling through the city-)
"no one would say (quote placement, grammar)
pet. I (period)
again," Twilight finished (punctuation, quote placement)
changing her appearance. Her coat became (period)
her mane, affected by magic around her, immediately acquired
(The way I read this, her coat turned white and her mane turned fiery. If so, correction as noted. If her coat AND MANE turned white, and then she turned fiery in her entirety, then: "her coat and mane became white; affected by magic around her, she immediately...")
appearance of fire; the eyes (semicolon)

However, after the princess's harsh reprimand for Blueblood, the prince simply got up, straightened his torn jacket, picked up his rapier, simply approached Twilight, however, before he could continue, several changelings began to close ranks, possibly intimidated by the weapon that the stallion carried, in a couple of steps, he simply dropped the rapier, rode through all the shapeshifters, broke the rows and being a meter or less from Twilight Sparkle, lifting the head he proceeded to spit at the princess.

picked up his rapier, and approached Twilight (final item of a list needs "and"; "simply" is not incorrect but seemed repetitive with earlier "simply")
Twilight. However,
carried. In

I will never recognize such a patetic mare to surrender as a noble, I, Narcis Blueblood, challenge you to duel Lady Twilight Sparkle, about the rights you have right now as a noble, if I win, your life belongs to me."

pathetic
surrender as a noble. I,
right now as a noble. If
(I really don't understand what Blueblood means by "surrender". He thinks she has surrendered to an enemy and doesn't accept her right to tender such a surrender? He doesn't recognize her right to accept Chrysalis's surrender? He thinks she has surrendered her nobility?)

'This will stop her,' thought the stallion, 'nopony knows this tradition, and she has nothing to do since the last files with the protocol on noble duels were lost about four hundred years ago according to my grandparents'

stallion. 'Nopony (Previous thought and following thought are deifferent sentences)
grandparents.' (End of sentence)

At that precise moment, Celestia and Luna arrived, however, a sepulchral silence arose, only broken by a tremulous voice.

(Not sure what meaning "however" is conveying or whether it belongs to first sentence or second sentence)

"I, Twilight Anbura Sparkle, I accept the challenge, If I win, Your life belongs to me"

"I, XXX, accept" or "I, XXX, do accept" (no repetition of "I")
challenge. If I win, your life belongs to me." (period, no caps on "your", period)

[FinalFan]

8562844
1. He's a high noble whose family is presumably super anal about keeping track of traditions that no one has cared about in centuries. The only way a common-born pony like Twilight would have any significant likelihood of knowing such things is being told by Celestia or Luna, which is far from impossible, but...
2. Blublood is dumb.
3. See (2).

[edit: Or (I just read the next chapter) she could also be a noble, in which case I do think he is being quite silly even by the low standard his introduction in this story suggests.]

[shenadri]

8561029

8562844

8561854

8561167

Sorry, I just read all the story again and I find the last chapter... insatisfactory for the story, so I will delete it and re do the chapter from scratch tomorrow, also have a very nice new year!!!

[Razzy]

Huh, well, depends on the rules for the duel, I can see it going either way.