I'm 24 years old and like to draw and make up stories about shows I like.
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Twilight expects a lot from Discord, now that he has been 'reformed'. While he hasn't destroyed all of Equestria by making it a chaos filled wonderland, he does tend to annoy and lie to her and her friends about almost everything. As such, she has learned to take anything he says with a grain of salt. But imagine her surprise when the prideful Discord not only comes to her, claiming he wants to help other ponies but he begs for the her help to do so.
What was he planning?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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with a very important task. not and.
oh man ....
okay first of the concept and the idea here is pretty cool and i enjoy it so far
BUT
this is badly written at some points and there are sooooo many typies in it
please get a proof-reader and maybe even a pre-reader
if you want i could be your pre-reader
6048914 Thank you for the advice. This is my first Mlp fanfiction, so I appreciate the honesty. I do need a editor for this story though. Oncei find one, I promise it'll be better.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Salvation and Reformation
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 6
Pros
1. The antics you had Discord do at the first of the story were fun and just random enough that I could definitely see him doing them.
2. The mistrust between Twilight and Discord is readily apparent. It is clear that Discord is reluctant to ask Twilight--whom he knows dislikes him--for help
3. The idea for this story is brimming with potential! You can go in whatever direction that you want with it.
Cons
1. You had several issues with your quotes. For example:
When writing a quote that would typically end in a period, put a comma instead. This is also applicable to interjections between quotes. This section should look more akin to this:
I'll discuss the other changes I made in my "notes" section.
2. Now that we are well into the events of season five, it might be prudent for you to clarify when this takes place in the story line. Placing the information in the description should be enough.
3. Beware small typos, such as spacing mistakes and wrong words accidentally being put in due to Spellcheck. While most of these that occur in writings are minor and do not change anything, some of them can cause confusion.
Notes Section
Your story shows real promise. I can't wait to see what you do with it! However, be sure to format your quotes properly. As I have shown above, it is important that you use commas at the break in the quote before writing who said it. Also, be sure to use a comma after writing who said the quote if you are going to continue your thought.
This is incorrect:
This is correct:
Another correction that needs to be made in your writing is making sure your quotes begin on a new line. As you have probably noticed from the example I provided previously, the quotes have been at times separated from some of the descriptive details. This is because it is widely accepted that only one direct description of what the speaker is doing should be found before, in the middle of, or after a quote. This way, the writing appears to be more professional in nature, and is easier on the eyes of your readers. I'll provide another example:
This is incorrect:
This is correct:
Those red phrases which are struck through seem to be, in my opinion, unnecessary. Remember, it is best to only have one line of description coupled with your quotes. If you would like me to go into a bit more depth on grammatical mistakes and such, please PM me, and I will be happy to help! You have a very promising story on your hands, and I look forward to seeing where you go with it. You definitely have gained another reader!
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: The Dawn of Hatred
K so this story is awesome, wow. I love how you've modelled discord and his relationship with twilight !
!
I must point out that (personally) towards the end the twilight-distrusts-discord and discord-is-not-himself ideas got a bit too overused. Not very overused, and definitely more of a small annoyance than anything else. This is just a personal suggestion, and no harm meant
Keep up the awesome work!!!
Please do continue.
Typo alert!
im sooo interested in this now haha
wooow you really keep the tension up man :D
im soooo curious haha
and excited for next
6460312 Ditto but maybe it's too much?
6463984
whats too much ?
6465381 Stalling it so much. I mean pressuring it so much.
This chapter make one wonder how much influence the spirt of chaos has.
...More.
......MORE!
.....................MORE!!!
If that's okay with you.
wow now this is getting very interesting ^^ more please :DD
(square thing) == 'bale';
As usual, Discord needs his face pushed in by a fast-moving hoof. So he's perfectly in-character!
7012955 Oh, right! I didn't know what a bundle of hay was called. Thanks.
Haha, it seems pretty obvious that the food Discord promised isn't the apples the gang brought along.
Please continue this! It seems like a very interesting adventure so far. Love Discord though!
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/fairlyoddparents/images/2/27/Crocker_Showing_His_Butterfly_Nets.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20131224064404&path-prefix=en
7252802 Lol, good call. You get an internet cookie.
not bad have a like and the pics are good to
7256688 Thank you! I'm so happy with how Apis and his sister came out.
Awesome chapter, this is a great story so far and I would love to see more of it
I wonder if he needs the friendship cannon for something.
Twilight senpai notice me!
Discord, your enjoying it, aren't you?
There is no way out of here, it'll be dark soon, there is no way out of here.
Well, that could've gone much worse.
I feel that Cicada is going to be a problem.
... Why don't you ask Twilight for something easier, Chryssie, like ending all conflict in the world or teleporting to another solar system.
Just finished reading it and I must say wow. This beats me on a high lv. I'm speechless. Here's a like and a favorite. Hope to see more
Hmm, hopefully they reach an agreement.
Just what is Discord playing at?
Only so few changelings are loyal to the Queen? Those bastards.
'Rarity sitting' - Rarity was sitting
'I don't think we should leave we have a lot of things we have to do' - should leave, we have
'Every cringed' - every pony
'little exchange though Twilight' - exchange, though'
'by a eye rolling' - by an eye rolling
'assurance they it isn't alone' - assurance that they aren't alone
'were chalk full of' - chock full
'widened at sight' - at the sight
'to call spike' - Spike
'would love to talk you' - to talk to you
'about we all go different rooms?' - go to different
'Applejack asked, shocking to timid mare a bit' - shocking the timid mare
'She defended though Twilight wasn't sure that was a complement entirely' - defended, though Twilight wasn't entirely sure it was a compliment
'Then we'll tell the the sort of truth' - 'tell them a sort of truth'
'In order for our negotiations are to go well' - for our negotiations to go well'
'silence for sometime' - for some time
'could do as greeting' - as a greeting
'O-of course, I am!" She boasted' - he boasted
'excited at the notion.She' - 'notion. She'
7935625
Thanks for the heads up.