Prolouge
Twilight sat in her home, organizing the shelves with her magic, like she did every morning. Spike was still asleep upstairs, tired from the previous night’s work. Though she had Owlicious to help her, Spike insisted on assisting her when he had nothing else to do. She sighed, wishing she’d realized the time before sending her tired assistant to bed hours into the night.
She was humming a little tune when she heard a faint pop. Spinning around, she looked everywhere to find the source. After finding nothing but herself and her books, she figured it was just her imagination. She turned her head, only to see a bubble in front of her.
“Gah!” She cried, jumping back. The bubble, green in color, grew and eventually popped to reveal… “Discord!”
The draconequus stood upright, staring down at Twilight. He was more than twice her size and the magic he held within him dwarfed her by miles. As such, she was scared at his sudden appearance for a moment before recalling he was reformed. Though she was still wary of him, she relaxed enough to let out a breath. Her heart stopped racing with worry as he strolled past her on his goat and dragon leg.
“Oh, don’t be so relieved yet, Twilight.” He said his tone bland. “I can still turn your home into a peach, if the mood strikes me. In fact, I might even put some talking bugs in with you just to keep things light.” He chuckled, though it fell flat as he went through her library.
Twilight frowned. He sounded different than usual. He didn't sound bored but he wasn't joyfully annoying either. What’s more, his expression made her think he was actually… No, there’s no way Discord, the embodiment of Chaos, would ever be serious about something. He wasn't the type. In the time she had known the creature, he was never anything but joyful.
Twilight went over to the shelf Discord was at. He was skimming through a random book, one on pony history. “What do you want now, Discord?” She demanded, using her magic to snatch the book away and replaced it on the shelf. “You don’t look sick.”
At that, Discord laughed, his joyful demeanor up front once more. “Oh are you still miffed about that?” He chuckled, grinning down at her, using his clawed finger to lift her chin. “I don’t know why you were so put out by that. No one got hurt and you got to spend some oh so precious time with your sister-in-law. I should be the one upset.” He sighed. He gave a theatrically sad expression as a spotlight hit him from above. “There I was, enjoying myself and you and your precious sister-in-law had to ruin things by being such good sports about it.” He looked over his shoulder at her, pouting. “Kill joys.”
“So you were just messing with us.” She sighed, shaking her head at him. She turned away and lifted a book in front of her with her magic. She wasn't really surprised. Discord was that kind of being, a trickster. “I can’t believe you would just admit it like that, though. You’re usually not that honest with me.” At that, Discord guffawed. The words on the page rearranged themselves to look like his deformed face.
“Why should I be honest with you? You're not with me." He stated, smirking " I mean, why else would I bother you? It’s not like you are that welcoming to me anyway.” He said. Twilight grimaced at his words and slammed the book closed, hoping it hurt him some.
"And how I am not honest with you? We barely talk." She pointed out, placing the book on the shelf and looking around for Discord. Somehow, she'd lost sight of him. How anyone could lose track of a being twice ones size was baffling. “Moreover, I thought you wanted to see if we were truly friends? Were you lying?” She retorted, raising an eyebrow at him.
Discord snorted. “The fact I have to at all is a bit sad.” He muttered, so low, Twilight wasn’t even sure he said it at all. Before she could dwell on it any further, Discord's face appeared in front of her, upside down as he stood over her. “Twilight Sparkle.” He said, his tone suddenly fairly serious, though he was still smiling.
“What is it now?” She asked, moving from under him. She walked over to her desk, still carrying the book she had been reading before. “If you want to play around, go bother somepony else. I’m busy with other things.” She still had to figure out what that locked box they'd found was and where she could find those six keys.
“I’m not here to play, actually.” He replied, his tone giving her chills. Even at his worst, he was playful. Devilishly so. Serious Discord was not one she was used to. It made her both wary and curious. What was he up him to now? “I need your help with something… Important.” He said, his voice low as if wary of prying ears.
Twilight turned to him, watching his face. His arms were hung by his sides and his eyes were darting across the room as if expecting someone to show up. His gaze would meet her sometimes before darting away, showing a somewhat annoyed expression. She sat down on her haunches, curious but doubtful. This was Discord after all.
“Important? Really?” She asked, cocking a brow. Discord nodded, looking at her before looking away again with a scowl. “What is it that you need me to do? And where would we be going?”
"I can't tell you where yet but I can tell you what I need from you." He said, looking somewhat relieved. "I just need you to come with me to a place so we can help them. It's very important and I need your help. That's all." He explained.
Her eyes narrowed for a bit. "Them? Who's them?" She asked, laying down her book. Her question was met with silence. She groaned in frustration. "That's awfully vague for an explanation." She pointed out, getting annoyed. "And you can't tell me where you need me to go either? This sounds like a trick. You must know that, right?"
Discord sighed, rubbing his face. “Sorry but I can’t tell you too many details.” He informed her. “I… I don’t know who is listening and I don't want it to get out before we're a safe distance away.” He said, his eyes darting across the room.
Twilight scowled at him. “Safe distance? What in Equestria are you talking about?!" She demanded. Discord shook his head, annoying Twilight more. "So you want me to do something that I have to go in blind?” She asked. “This is sounding less trustworthy by the second, Discord.” She said through gritted teeth. "You can't expect me to-"
“Do you think I am unaware of that?” He interrupted, stomping a hoof. Twilight took a step back as he continued. “I know I am asking a lot from you but can you, just this once, trust me? I know you don’t trust or even like me but all I ask is that you help me with this one task." He looked away, looking ashamed for the first time. Like he'd already failed. "I... I can't do this alone."
Twilight said nothing for a while, watching the creature in front of her. Was he seriously just asking for help? If so, why all the secrecy? “So why not ask the princess to help you?” She asked, getting more and more suspicious by the minute. "Surely she'd be willing to help if the matter is as serious as you say."
“I am asking the princess.” He said, pointing to her wings. “You are a princess, unless you've forgotten at some point in time.” He joked, though his expression was somewhat strained. "Must I bring out the scepter again?" He teased, holding out a claw. Twilight could almost feel her annoyance grow at just the thought of that stupid thing.
Twilight pushed the claw away, scowling “I meant Princess Celestia!” She barked, annoyed. “She is a much better pony for a task as important as you say. Or refuse to. Why not ask her?” She turned to him only to flinch at the draconequus’ expression.
Discord was glaring at Twilight with such rage and hatred that Twilight moved away a bit. As fast as her fear had floored her, Discord's expression softened as he let out a breath. He seemed to be muttering something to himself but Twilight was too busy trying to recover from the shock of his face to hear his words. That was the first time she’d seen anything that scary looking. Even at his worst, Discord joked and smiled. Never had she seen such blatant hatred. Nightmare Moon wasn’t even that bad compared to that.
“Are you still that bothered by that, Twilight?” Twilight looked up to see Discord, smiling sadly at her. “I’m sorry, I just thought of something… bothersome and got upset. I apologize for scaring you.”
Twilight wasn’t convinced though. She knew for a fact that the expression Discord showed was not of one being upset. It was perfectly clear that whatever he had been thinking of, enraged him. She was certainly curious but she decided to let it go. It wasn't like Discord was going explain himself any further.
“I see.” She muttered, letting out a calming breath, “Then at least explain why you won’t ask the Princess for help."
Discord opened his mouth to answer.
"And I don’t mean me.” She added, rolling her eyes at the creature.
Discord snorted, smiling a bit. “I would but this is a personal matter for me and I’d rather have some ponies whom I consider friends to help me.” He explained.
“Ponies? I thought you only needed me.” She said, frowning at him.
Discord shrugged. “I will need the help of your friends as well. It’d be unfair of me to place all the responsibility on you.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow, unconvinced.
Discord sighed, looking annoyed as he paced the library floor. “As I said, this is a personal matter. I’d prefer only bringing friends along with me.”
He then seemed to let out all his joy in his next exhale. “And I have long since stopped seeing Celestia as a friend.”
Twilight’s eyes bugged out in surprise. Did Discord just say what she thought he said?
Before she could ask, Discord continued, his joyous personality bounced back with a vengeance.
"Princess Twilight Sparkle, as a friend," Discord jeered, skepticism dripping off his words like sap. "I ask that you come and help me with a very important task."
Twilight glowered at the draconequus. "Where exactly?" She countered, awaiting some trick.
He stared at her for a minute before letting out a breath. "Well, do you recall the place I told you to go to when I was sick with the blue flu?” He asked, smiling a bit guiltily.
"You mean when you were pretending to be sick just to mess with me and Cadence? Yes, I do. Why?" She asked, not getting the connection at first. Then it hit her. “Wait, do you mean the outskirts of Equestria?!" She answered, her tone full of dread and aghast.
Discord waved his wands around aimlessly, almost as if to write off the seriousness of the claim. “Yeah, there. Well, further out actually but...” He answered, looking away. Twilight's eyes narrowed.
“Are you kidding me?! Cadence and I were nearly eaten alive there!” She shouted, standing up. “Do you honestly think I’ll let you drag my friends and I out there without knowing anything? How stupid do you think I am, Discord?”
“Do you think I don’t realize that?!” He shouted back, surprising Twilight again. He snorted again and looked away. “I know that what I’m asking for is a lot. I know you have no reason to trust my word but…" His fist clenched and he looked like he was forcing himself to speak. "But I am begging you to trust me this one time. I need you there or else all will fail. I swear to you, I am not lying to you.” He said through gritted teeth.
Her eyes narrowed, unconvinced. "And why should I trust your word and help you?" She demanded, not wanting to put up with another prank of his. Discord was revealing himself to be a lot like the Colt who cried Timberwolf. It was only now that his past actions were biting him in the ass.
Discord said nothing for a while before letting out a breath and turning back to the Alicorn. For the first time, Twilight saw what she could only assume was dread in the draconequus' eyes. "Because, if you don't help me... thousands of ponies will die."
End of Prolouge
with a very important task. not and.
oh man ....
okay first of the concept and the idea here is pretty cool and i enjoy it so far
BUT
this is badly written at some points and there are sooooo many typies in it
please get a proof-reader and maybe even a pre-reader
if you want i could be your pre-reader
6048914 Thank you for the advice. This is my first Mlp fanfiction, so I appreciate the honesty. I do need a editor for this story though. Oncei find one, I promise it'll be better.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Salvation and Reformation
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 6
Pros
1. The antics you had Discord do at the first of the story were fun and just random enough that I could definitely see him doing them.
2. The mistrust between Twilight and Discord is readily apparent. It is clear that Discord is reluctant to ask Twilight--whom he knows dislikes him--for help
3. The idea for this story is brimming with potential! You can go in whatever direction that you want with it.
Cons
1. You had several issues with your quotes. For example:
When writing a quote that would typically end in a period, put a comma instead. This is also applicable to interjections between quotes. This section should look more akin to this:
I'll discuss the other changes I made in my "notes" section.
2. Now that we are well into the events of season five, it might be prudent for you to clarify when this takes place in the story line. Placing the information in the description should be enough.
3. Beware small typos, such as spacing mistakes and wrong words accidentally being put in due to Spellcheck. While most of these that occur in writings are minor and do not change anything, some of them can cause confusion.
Notes Section
Your story shows real promise. I can't wait to see what you do with it! However, be sure to format your quotes properly. As I have shown above, it is important that you use commas at the break in the quote before writing who said it. Also, be sure to use a comma after writing who said the quote if you are going to continue your thought.
This is incorrect:
This is correct:
Another correction that needs to be made in your writing is making sure your quotes begin on a new line. As you have probably noticed from the example I provided previously, the quotes have been at times separated from some of the descriptive details. This is because it is widely accepted that only one direct description of what the speaker is doing should be found before, in the middle of, or after a quote. This way, the writing appears to be more professional in nature, and is easier on the eyes of your readers. I'll provide another example:
This is incorrect:
This is correct:
Those red phrases which are struck through seem to be, in my opinion, unnecessary. Remember, it is best to only have one line of description coupled with your quotes. If you would like me to go into a bit more depth on grammatical mistakes and such, please PM me, and I will be happy to help! You have a very promising story on your hands, and I look forward to seeing where you go with it. You definitely have gained another reader!
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: The Dawn of Hatred
K so this story is awesome, wow. I love how you've modelled discord and his relationship with twilight !
I must point out that (personally) towards the end the twilight-distrusts-discord and discord-is-not-himself ideas got a bit too overused. Not very overused, and definitely more of a small annoyance than anything else. This is just a personal suggestion, and no harm meant !
Keep up the awesome work!!!
Please do continue.
Typo alert!
I wonder if he needs the friendship cannon for something.