This story follows Amazia, daughter of Chrysalis, and heir to her throne. One merciful action costed her everything, and now she has been exiled to a land where everyone thinks she is a monster. What will happen to her now? Will she survive, and find the one thing she couldn't find in the Hive, True love?
Author's note : I would like your opinion but please don't critique me as if i have been here for years i just started plus English isn't my first language so they WILL be mistakes ..... don't kill me eeep
Looking for Editor
The cover art isn't mine
Chapters (4)
i like it please make more chapters for this story and i hope this story dose not get delete too and i will not kill you
YEAH i won't die and don't worry if this story goes well i will continue
4501811 yeah you won't and ok
Look for an editor. Not too bad... I am interested to see how this.
Okay, let's do this. (storyline aside)
When placing a comma, you do not place a space before it like you do most of the time.
"Text, text." not "text , text ?"
Also, when using "I" as "me" it has to be a capital i.
I could be your editor but I want you to learn such things too. (Yes, I volunteer)
That has been on my heart, will continue with chapter #2 now ;)
Story is okay but needs a lot of work still.
I am willing to help you out with writing and editing. Though you'd have to look for someone with english as mother language if you want it to be perfect :)
cover art that i found i think it fit really well with my OC princess . I am tired I will go to sleep now it is one in the morning here
Hrrrm, could be longer, but I do like it. Please continue
The writing is poor, but the concept is something I can get behind.
Hopefully the writing quality won't get any worse as the story progresses...
Uhm.. .. short. Needs editing work. If you need one, I'm happy to volunteer. Just ya know. Don't break my back or nothin' as this is pro-Bono.
You CAN however feed me with affection. Any positive emotion will d- I mean Yeah. bits. Ahem.
1. my gut churns when people slap "first story,be gentle"
2. Interesting name choice...
3. I can see spelling mistakes in your long description, which to me is a red flag that the rest of the story is BOUND to have spelling/grammatical errors aka not a good read. Judging by the helping hoofs. I don't think you need another editor... I'll just put your story on hold for a few months and read it after all the work has gotten a good comb over.
4503766 Btw here's a long desc. Edit for you;
This story follows Amazia, daughter of Chrysalis, and heir to her throne. One merciful action costed her everything, and now she has been exiled to a land where everyone thinks she is a monster. What will happen to her now? Will she survive, and find the one thing she couldn't find in the Hive, True love?
(Optional edits)
Author's Note: While I am open to criticism , please keep outright story-bashing or otherwise rude remarks out of your comment(s). This is my first story, so please keep a thoughtful mind when reading. Grammar mistakes will be a given, since English is not my native language. Sorry in advance!
You said that English isn't your first language, and it is obvious. I would recommend an editor to help with your grammar.
Actually mostly good, grammatically. A few misspellings, and your punctuation suffers what Schroooom up there has already covered, but as a basic story goes this isn't bad.
That being said...
You'll often hear writers talking about "flow." It's a bit of a hard concept to explain, but this feels a bit robotic. You've got a pattern here:
It's not bad... but it's a bit formulaic, and if you can feel what's going on there's no real... it's like lumpy dough, is what I'm saying. You need to mix things up a bit, break up the explanations and spread them out, maybe have your characters do some busywork like "she rolled her eyes" or "she averted her gaze."
Still, the actual STORY is impressive.
some grammar problems. editor.
and chapters, need to be longer i thinks.
Almost downvoted for commas and missing periods.
So far the story nice, like to see more
The story here is very interesting, and I would hate for it to be forgotten because English wasn't your primary language. I really would like to see where your story goes.
I am very much interested to help you edit your story. Send me a private message if you are interested as well, so we can discuss the details.
4510792 Ditto... If i may help in any case as well i would love to.
4509827 whats a period?
You should try to make longer chapters... 2k words per chapter usually works pretty well
4663342
Well, you see, in a woman's life, once a month—
...oh, I think you meant the punctuational period! Like so, ".".
4502364 question the queen is the mother of all the warkers in the hive?
4663342
.