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Chapter 1: Our Words Are Backed By Nuclear Weapons1,354 words
Chapter 2: Damn Frenchy846 words

Chapter 2: Damn Frenchy

Celestia’s eyes opened. Then she blinked a few times. No, she was probably just dreaming it. There’s no possible way it could be true. But it was. By the wrath of the Ultimate Alicorn, it was!

The phone was ringing.

“I swear, if it’s another telemarketer, someone is going to get burned,” Celestia grumbled, dragging herself out of the bed to stumble and trudge her way to the phone, which was on the other side of the room for whatever asinine reason.

Nearly ripping the receiver in two when she picked it up, Celestia hissed out a, “WHAT?!”

“Heyyyyyyy, Celestia. Long time no see!”

“Are you a telemarketer?”

“Hon-hon-hon! Don’t be silly! It’s me, Napoleon!”

Celestia’s eyes drooped and she wiped from drool dripping from the side of her mouth. “Uh huh.”

“You know? Emperor of France? Leader of one of the most powerful nations on Earth? That guy who was kicked out of the Grand Galloping Gala for the fruit punch incident?”

“Wait, that was you?”

“Never fret, I already apologized for that. Anyway, I was in the need for a favor from you.”

Celestia rubbed her forehead, new wrinkles appearing already. “At two in the morning?”

“Huh, here it’s only four in the morning.”

Celestia sighed. “What do you want?”

“Don’t you think it’d be a great idea to open your borders? Because I think it would. It would most definitely, uh… help bolster our friendship with one another. Yeah, sure, let’s go with that.”

“Uh…” Celestia’s head nearly slid off the receiver, and after shaking her noggina few times she murmured, “Sure, fine.”

“Great! You’ll do it right away, right?”

“Can’t I sleep first.”

“But I want open borders nooooooooooooooooow!”

Celestia cringed. “Fine, fine!” Celestia’s horn muddled up some lazy magic, and she got about to writing an open borders letter to the nearest and currently awake border captain. “Happy?” she asked, teleporting the letter off.

“Immensely. It was foolish of you to trust me. Muhahahahahahahaha!”

“Wuh?”

“Erm, I meant to say, um… poodles taste like crust to me.”

After a few seconds, Celestia blinked once, hung up the phone, and returned to her bed for some much needed sleep.

Which lasted for around two hours.

“Sister!” Luna blew off the door to Celestia’s chambers (it wasn’t even locked) and immediately jumped to her sister’s side, or rather atop her sister, and by atop to be more specific, her back. “Napoleon just invaded!”

Celestia groaned into her pillow, drowning out her annoyance in some good old-fashioned enraged screaming.

“Ultimate Alicorn-damnit, Napoleon! It’s only two in the morning!”

“Four!” Luna corrected.

“Four! Double-Ultimate Alicorn-damnit!”

“Sister, we must hurry to defend Equestria from this foreign threat.”

“Can I have five more minutes!”

“Certainly not! We must leave post-haste at once!”

“Triple-Ultimate Alicorn-damnit!”

~ONE BLOODY WAR AND PEACE TREATY LATER~

Celestia groaned, grunted, grumbled, growled, and even gnawed on her hoof, but it was no use. Her phone was ringing again. Why she had it all the way on the other side of her bed she still didn’t know and forgot to correct because of last time, but hey, at least she got some exercise out of dragging her half-asleep body to the ringing dread.

Picking up the receiver, Celestia whispered in a voice one would stick to a serial murderer rather than a princess, “Whaaaaaaaaat?!”

“Hey, Celestia, it’s me, Napoleon.”

Celestia had to physically bite down on her tongue to prevent herself from screaming at the top of her lungs. She tasted blood.

“Seeing how our peace treaty and everything now makes us allies, I was wondering if it’d be cool with you if you could, oh, I don’t know… open those borders?”

“Even after the bloody war you waged on me that cost countless lives?”

“Hey now, that was just a misunderstanding. Plus, what is it that saying you ponies have? Magic of friendship?”

“That means open borders now?”

“Sure it does! Friends open borders for friends. It’s a common thing to do. So, want to give it a go?”

“Hey, Napoleon, what time it is over there in France?”

“Um… I think around six in the morning. Why?”

“Look outside your window.”

“Okay, I am. What am I supposed to be seeing?”

Celestia picked up the phone and walked over to a window, where she drew back the curtains for a view of the night sky, dawn still a ways away. Celestia’s horn glowed a splendid yellow, and then the sun peeked over the horizon, illuminating the skies in a golden show of rays and beams of light.

However, one beam in particular grew incredibly bright. So much so that one could not look at it too closely without one’s corneas begging for mercy. It was like the sun just had a zit popped and now all the gooey remains spluttered on the earth below.

“Good morning,” Celestia said, her smile as bright as the sun.

“MY EYEEEEEEEEEEEES!”

Author's Note:

Basically, I'm gonna continue the fic whenever I have an interesting experience in a game of Civ that I think would be funny to include ponies with, or if one of you guys wanna share a story. The more ridiculous the better!

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