Chapter 1: Our Words Are Backed By Nuclear Weapons
“Princess Celestia, India’s President Mohandas Gandhi is here to meet with you now.”
Celestia looked up from her tea set and smiled plainly to the guard. “Very well. Have him enter.”
The guard bowed, then opened the door wide for Celestia’s guest.
In truth, Celestia’s expectations held true to the image of the man she had requested for tea in her mind. Out of all of Earth’s leaders, it was said that Gandhi was the most humble and peaceful, and his appearance definitely agreed with that. He was dressed simply in a robe and wire-spectacles, a humorous smile on his mustached face that spoke leagues of wisdom. He bowed to her, saying, “Princess Celestia, it is an honor.”
Celestia got up from her seat and bowed in turn. “The honor is mine, President Gandhi, to have you here in friendly relations today.”
“Please, please, Gandhi will suffice,” he said, taking his seat. His movements to kneel were slow, a wince passing over his wizened face slightly before he was fully comfortable in his cushion. “It is improper for anything else when a guest is invited by his host.”
“Of course.” Celestia smiled and Gandhi shared it, both needing no need to fake one. Listing up the tea kettle with her magic, Celestia asked, “Would you like a cup? It’s Masala Chai.”
Gandhi nodded, Celestia pouring into his cup immediately. “Ah, you know my weakness already. How did you know the quickest path to my heart was through tea?”
“I had my suspicions,” Celestia said, hiding her smirk behind her cup.
The two great leaders sipped their tea in silence. Not that it was awkward or uncomfortable. The simple act of enjoying tea with pleasant company spoke volumes above what mere words could produce. It was a simple act of corresponding respect between the rulers allowing one another to enjoy their cup at their own pace that really set the bar for Celestia’s admiration for Gandhi that was already blossoming into a tree of respect.
Finally, it was Gandhi who broke the silence when his cup clicked against the table when he set it down. “I suppose I should start with on behalf on the Indian people, I extend a hand of friendship towards you.” He reached out with his gnarled hand that had been weather-beaten over the ages. “Both figuratively and literally.” He grinned.
Celestia reached out with her own hoof and pressed it in the palm of his hand, whereas he shook it with a vigor she did not expect from a man of his age. “And I to you, Gandhi. The Equestrian ponies would be honored to have you and your people as allies.”
When they broke off from handshaking, Gandhi wiped his mustache with a napkin, then coughed under his breath. “I must say, it is a great privilege to be invited from the Equestrian princess herself. You have not delivered such great entitlements to another other Earth leader. In fact, I believe I am the first.” Adjusting his spectacle, Gandhi asked, “It is only natural that I am curious. If my question means to offend, then I apologize for it.”
Celestia shook her head, chuckling in good faith. “Oh, no, it’s nothing, really. When our two worlds first made contact, at first I was nervous. Apprehensive even. There had been many reports of the… well, atrocities committed by your world’s various leaders. To their own people, the people of other nations, and even then some. Just… terrible, really. And that was from just what I heard.”
Gandhi nodded solemnly. “Unfortunately, not everyone in my world is as committed to nonviolence as I am.”
“Exactly my point. While all the other leaders bicker or invade or act as warmongers, there’s you above the curve. Peaceful, with no wars declared, a most trusted ally and beneficial friend, and one of the few most likely to declare friendship with other nations, like you did just now with me.” Celestia shook her head and stared at Gandhi with eyes filled to the brim with esteem. “It really amazes me that you have managed to excel above your ruling peers in terms of friendship and peace. I am very curious at how you managed to do so.”
Gandhi laughed, not at her question, but with honest jubilance. “Ohohoho, I have not been asked that in a long while.” He removed his spectacles and wiped them on his robe, wiping away at his eyes. “In all honesty, it is quite simple, I am surprised you didn’t figure it out sooner.”
“Oh?” Celestia arched a brow.
“I am mad.”
Celestia’s brow arched further. “Uh… beg your pardon.”
“Oh, my mistake. I meant to say I support MAD.” Gandhi put his spectacles back on, smiling at her with no change in expression from before. “Mutually assured destruction. With nukes. You understand?”
Celestia’s jaw hung so limp it threatened to fall right from her face.
Gandhi picked up his cup and sipped it, smacking his lips with a content sigh. “I will not lie to you. My armies are small, but my cities are populous and advanced in build. I do not wish to rule my world through domination or wars. Rather, I see democracy in a diplomatic manner as the most likely of solutions for world peace.”
“But… but what about nuking the entire world? You just said that’s how you retain your peace,” Celestia said, horror shrouding her expression at Gandhi’s nonchalance with talking about the matter of ending all life on his planet in a radioactive dust cloud.
“You must understand, my country is one of the oldest spots of civilization in the entire world. Side by side, wealth and poverty had lived in bitter rivalry in my lands for thousands of years. India had been conquered, broken apart, conquered again, oppressed, invaded, and divided into smaller kingdoms that had warred with one another since the very first people lived there. It was only through three decades of nationalism and peaceful rebellion that we finally kicked the British out, but what then? I knew that it’d never stop. The invasions would come again eventually. Along with it the wars, the massacres, the non-stop killing and brutal oppression not unlike the English and those before them. That is India’s history, and I knew for a fact that history always repeats itself.” Gandhi’s eyes gleamed from behind his spectacles as his smile spread across his wrinkled face. “Well, almost always.”
“So… you use the threat of nuclear armageddon to keep any nation from attacking you?” Celestia asked.
“And to assure they do not attack each other. Thus far other leaders have stepped in line. The threat of total annihilation for every side tends to do that.” Gandhi finished the last traces of his tea and set his cup back on the counter. “I hope you do not find my ways abhorrent, Princess Celestia. It is just the practice I have to adopt for the world I live in.”
Celestia nodded. Her tea was growing cold and her throat was parched, but she didn’t trust herself to drink anything right now after what she had just heard. “No, no, I’m sure you’re only looking out for your best interests at heart.”
“Of course. Excellent tea by the way.” Gandhi rose from his seat, and bowed to Celestia once again. “Sorry to cut this short, but I have other meetings in place and promises to keep.”
“Oh, no need to apologize. It was a pleasure being in your company.” Celestia said, repressing the urge to back away slowly from the man. Actually, quickly was the way she wanted to escape from his presence. Those cheerful eyes will never look the same way to her ever again.
“Very good. Now, I have a Giant Death Robot I need to catch. That French Revolution isn’t going to stop itself.”
And it was with those words that Celestia learned a very important lesson about the human world: never mess with Gandhi. Ever.
Crossover with Civilization. Gandhi is usually shown to be the most nuke happy world leader in the game, as seen here:
Don't mess with Gandhi, kids, or else you're in for a loooooooooong game.
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Kick ass ghandi I like it
Bob, are you on the pills again?
Have you been playing Civilization recently?
Bob, you're insane. Go get your sanity back. Or buy a new one from the nearest department store, whichever comes cheaper.
I think Bob took the pills again.
You don't see this everyday now do ya
I guess that peace treaty will go… unsigned.
(and now I watch as absolutely no one get that joke.)
What. The. Fuck.
Ah yes, the ascended bug where if Gandi's peace factor, already minimum, were to decrease it would scroll over to the highest aggression possible.
Oh Civilization, you and your Artificial Stupidity...
And I thought Teagate was as crazy as the "ponies-drinking-tea-with-important-political-figure genre" could go.
5388166
Warmongering Gandhi was the best possible play through. Ever.
5388069
Maybe.
5388091
Okay yeah I am :V
Merry Christmas, Bobby! Close your eyes and you will soon get your present.
*Continually pushes a button under his desk, hoping the orderlies arrive with the white jacket that help folks like Bobby, who have... unique... minds, hug themselves tighter*
5388339
No.
No don't.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I DIDN'T MURDER ON PURPOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!
5388114
Exactly.
this, this I like
5388070
No. Yes. Perhaps. You don't know me!
I wrote a review of this story here.
What is this?
~Leonzilla
Ghandi was actually a fucking douchebag, tbh.
5388731 You're talking the historical Gandhi, not the mythological one put before everyone.
No 'right of return' for the Moslems of India, no way no how.
Nuke Production: 12/10
Use of Nukes: 12/10
Gandhi x Uranium OTP.
Hell hath no fury like that of Ghandi after a peace treaty.
This is spectacular! I hope the political comedy I'm working on fairs as well as this one!
I hate Gandhi, the guys a dick, doesn't matter if he's got nukes or not, peaceful? Pfft! Fat chance.
5388104
In case anyone's wondering, the first game made Ghandi ultra-aggressive after adopting democracy due to a bug with unsigned integers. His aggression started at one, went down by two, and ended at 255. The later games made him nuke-happy as a reference to this.
What. The. Hell?
I need to read this. Now.
5389352
Well yeah.
Mother Theresa was also kind of a bitch, but. People don't generally like having their taught worldview of a person be shaken. Like Hitler was an evil man all about killing the joos. Hitler's ideas: Inoculation for children. measures for healthier living, technological progress, etc etc etc. Goebbels was the one with the massive jew hate boner.
5389477 Odd, in Civ 5 Gandhi never (or only very rarely) gave me trouble. Usually it was Montezuma, Napoleon, Bismarck or leaders of that nature.
5390499 Ghandi normally waits until the end game era's to start giving me crap, usually in the form of denunciations and even randomly becoming hostile and declaring war on me, even when I haven't done anything to him. He also likes to drop nukes like a flower girl drops flowers at a wedding.
5390516 For some reason, I rarely see the computer throwing nukes at each other (or me). Once, I saw America and Assyria blow each other back into the Stone Age with nukes, but again, I don't see much of that. Of course, I haven't played the Immortal or Deity to it's conclusion other than for the ACW scenario, so that might be why.
Last time I played, I ended up nuking Gandhi. And I didn't play with Soviet Russia...
I wonder what started this french revolution. it can't be bread again, right?
Some day I'm going to write a story about a human who comes to equestria and talks about earth's history with Twilight Sparkle.
… You don't know… HOW MANY TIMES… I HAVE LOST MY GREAT EMPIRES… TO THAT TINY, SHRIVELED, AGED, NUKE-HAPPY RAISIN that calls itself a world leader!
I f*cking love you for this.
5390540 I don't know what it is about Gandhi and me, but that dude is insane, if he isn't killed off in the early part of the game, they guy just absorbs country after country until he's huge, then he gets even worse.
5390785 Wow. It's the big military powers that are usually the trouble for me. Often, they'll play friendly much of the game, then backstab me later on, which really angers me, but I suppose it can't be helped all that much. Gandhi might have gone to war with me a few times, but he usually limits himself to denouncing me or being a jerk in the diplomacy screen. Maybe it's because I haven't completed the game (except for scenarios) beyond Emperor difficulty. Do you usually play on Immortal or Deity? Because that could be why, I don't know.
I sentenced the raisin and his dirty heathen people to exterminatus, their is only the imperium.
5390857 Actually he does that stuff to me on Prince and King difficulty. Haven't ever managed to get past King, and too be honest I'm a little scared too. The funny thing is though, in regards to the likes of Germany, Bismark usually gets his ass kicked in the mid game, so I rarely have to worry about him. To this day I have yet to see one of his Panzers take the field. Old Montezuma meanwhile tends to survive till the later portion of the mid game, after which, if he is next to me, I kill him with cannons and riflemen, cause that's how I roll. Once I get artillery though, aw man, all bets are off!
5388299 Well you wrote something good then.
5390041
Lol, I see someone else is old enough to remember signed and unsigned integers.
And no one was wondering.
5391017 I usually get backstabbed in the mid-late game. I'm not as big a military player, at least not early on. I'm just not an early game aggressor. I'd prefer to have a lot of Crossbowmen before going into an actual war (China is great for this, in spite of the penalty of -33% strength vs. cities) and a couple melee units.
5391017
Scruuuuuuuuuuuuuuub.
Get on my level.
Warmonger Gandhi.
Deity.
WHILE BLIND-FOLDED!
Don't believe his lies...
new2.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/And+then+gandhi+declares+war+on+them+_cf352223ea89b2b8254bb62fdc6eb212.jpg
Loved it xD
In all seriousness, though, trying to siege this guy's cities when they're in a good defensible position is nigh impossible for me late game. The nukes glassing my reinforcements don't help much either...
5391098 I usually just build a lot of defensive units and buildings early on and just hold the line till gunpowder then go crazy.
5391114 OH RAINBOW BOB! I AM NOT WORTHY TO STAND IN THY PRESENCE! PLEASE FORGIVE ME OF MY UNWORTHINESS AND TEACH ME YOUR WAYS! SO THAT I MAY NO LONGER REMAIN A SCRUB!
31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lga79iMOyk1qg4ayxo1_400.gif
Never fuck with Gandhi, he came back from the dead MAD as a bat!
You should do more stories with other Civ leaders.
10/10 chapter name.
i.imgur.com/xfpsfzy.jpg