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The picture from the cover inspired me to this story. And this morning, I wrote it down. I don't have an Editor and that means there will be grammatic errors. I just hope they are not so big to destroy the story totally...

Twilight has to go to the Crystal Empire to help Cadance with her Baby Shower! But she can't just leave the library alone and Spike is coming with her. But Rainbow Dash has time and as the loyal friend she is, keeps an eye on everything. Twilight warned her to NOT go in the basement. But Rainbow, the Daredevil she is, can of course not resist...

The Magical Baby Carriage

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 75 )

I dawwed and LOLed

Dash was a bit disorientated for a few moments. Then she heard the Voice again.

5262040 Thanks^^


5262048 There got Twilight the voice for the Carriage^^

Should've listened to your friend there Rainbow Dash.

5262087 Then the Story would be boring :pinkiehappy:

Intriguing little story :twilightsmile:

Hah!

The grammar is awkward in some places but not too bad.

Khao #9 · Nov 12th, 2014 · · 2 ·

To be honest, I found this to be extremely creepy.

5262422 Something in particular?


5262416 It's really hard to find an editor...

5262452

It's literally Twilight purposely trapping Rainbow Dash against her will inside an absolutely humiliating machine in her basement for an entire week. It's just borderline torure.

It could have been a funny story if it was handled differently and didn't end the way it did, but with the way Rainbow was crying and begging to be set free, it hardly felt like a comedy.

Maybe I'm just over thinking it too much, but that's just the way it felt to me.

Very well written, I thought this was gonna be another "Dash's mind regressing into infant state" kind of stories, which I hate with a passion.

Have a thumbs up.

5262570 I agree with u on the mental regressions, but I do wish thus had been an the last an ABDL story I read was a bit depressing where she has to hide it from her family so she moves to manehatten.

5262548 you make it sound like pattycakes

5262950

Dunno what that is. (heard the name before, though.)

5263163 fluttershy kidnaps rainbow and forces her to her baby and eventually rainbow starts at thinking she is a baby it's pretty messed up

I do love me some automated babying devices . It was pretty funny for dash to end up that way. Twilght the letting it take care of her for a few day as a punishment is okay just call it product testing hehe

Though yeah a few times of repeating things like metal arms over ans over

I liked it. Hope your doing okay on "The Sons of Cadence" story. It's been a while bro.

Write more of these but with each of the mane 6 PLEASE! also adorable and hilarious

XD So very cute XD :yay:Have you shown this to Cuddlelamb yet, if so how did he react

5264157 He read it before I published it and he likes it^^

Sometimes, I write little stories in the comments to his Pictures.


5262548 Don't worry. It's not an entirely week. Just two days^^

5263768 I know litle bro... I know. I will try to write more today. But again, no promise.

Good story, though can I ask if English is your first language? I saw some common mistakes ESL people make often. I was still able to read it, though I definitely recommend a proofreader next time. ^^

5264054 I don't really planned for this. I was just lucky to got inspiration AND Motivation for this Story.


5264983 Yes, english is my second language. I try to find a proofreader next time. Still thanks for the Fav^^

This was good, but weird.
rainbow being restrained by a baby carraige is not something I was expecting.

5265165 Me neither until I saw this Pic from Cuddlelamb^^

This, reminds me of two things, a disney short where something similar happened to Donald Duck, and Pattycakes... Luckily, it doesn't go down the road of the latter.

5265503 I know which Disney short you mean. Donald Duck: Modern Inventions

5265515

Yeah, that one. I must say, this isn't my kind of fic, but it's well written.

5265525 Even if this is not your kind of fic, thanks for the comment^^

5265006 I didn't mean to insult you if I did. It was rather well written especially since it was just written in one shot like you said x3

5265809 Don't worry. I don't feel insulted from a honest comment.

I rather feel insulted by people who give a thumb down without saying WHAT it was they didn't like. That's just cowardly.

obviously this was inspired by the old Donald Duck cartoon... giggles... Sure Twi says it's for Cadence but I bet she was fibbing. That would make a good sequal.

5266481 :pinkiegasp: How do you know?

5269766 I'm like Pinkie that way.:pinkiehappy:

5270399 Oh, Celestia... another one...

Who needs to be responsible for your kids when you can just leave them with a machine built by a lunatic what could go wrong

Hmm, grammatical errors aside, I felt the story could have been elaborated better. Rainbow Dash had little to no reason to lay down in the carriage and felt quite ooc, then again, the Rainbow Dash you're portraying isn't necessarily canon RD.

The story struggle a bit with the natural flow as well, as it shifts between the now and the past.

Ex:

'But she can resist the urge to open it. She can withstand the urge to see what Twilight is working down there. She...
"sounds of flapping wings"
... can be in ten seconds flat at the door and opens it.

Rainbow looked down the stairs and takes a hesitant first step. Then another one and then another one.'

Not only do you shift between the past and the present, you add in sound effects using quotation marks, which is a bit weird and not something you'd see in literature.
This story seems to be mostly be in praeteritum, so let me give it a try:

She could resist the urge however, she wasn't in the slightest interested in whatever Twilight was working on down there, she—!

In ten seconds flat, she was already at the door, her hoof already pushing against its old, wooden surface.

Rainbow Dash glanced down the stairs and descended – despite Twilight's warning – her curiosity getting the better of her.

Somewhere a long those lines, but do you see what I mean? You could say she soared/flew/galloped towards the door as well, it makes little difference, as we get the part that she got there quickly.

The "—!" part indicates interruption of an action or thought, when the author wants to portray a quick scene shift or an immediate event, cutting things off. The use of ellipsis ". . ." are more for lingering thoughts, when a character might contemplate things or when you leave things omitted, but if you want to break a thought/action you usually use the em dash "—"

That's my bit of constructive criticism, I hope you don't find it offensive as I'm not an expert on the subject, and people should definitely correct me if they find faults in my reasoning.

RD's definitely a pony who I enjoy seeing diapered though, so I'll give you points for fueling my imagination. /)^3^(\

I Really Wish you had an aftermath chapter where we find out if dash started liking it, toughed it out , engaged the spank mode, or something else.

well, while the grammar could've really used some, or a lot of editing, this was an interesting fic. i was half expecting dash to be turned INTO a foal due to a malfunction in the machine or something, but this still works.

5276104 yeah, the past and present tense were a problem for me too.

5286286

I agree. It needs to happen. I found this entertaining and unexpected and that's what I love about these types of Fics.

5276000

Will we be expections another chapter or a sequel? Pretty please. :D

5309112 Sorry. This Story was really just a one shot. But if someone wants to write a sequel, I have no problem with it. You just have to ask the Artist if you want to use the same pic as I have.

That was pretty Amusing, It reminds me of a certain Donald Duck cartoon :twilightsmile:

5400217 either way it was an amusing story and I have to admit, I was kinda envious of Rainbow XD

Comment posted by Cumill deleted May 12th, 2015

You should probably make a sequel story on how Twilight built the carriage, where/when she got the idea, and what MBC stands for. It'd be a nice touch.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Bad choice Rainbow dash. you should have obeyed twilights orders... now you get to be a foal!

5481344 MBC stands for: "Magical Baby Carriage"

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