i like it and please make more chapters for this story until it is complete

Read the first chapter, can't read any further. The writing is flat and lifeless - there's no description, no flair; your characters feel like bored actors spouting lines that aren't suited to them in the first place. Your writing feels more like someone talking about the story he wants to write and what will happen in it than an actual story.

5436192 Dream, this story is completed. I simply forgot to click on complete when I submitted it for approval.

5437174 ok then can you write a sequel for this story

5437405 dream1990, I had not initially planned on writing a sequel to this story. Now I could do so considering I left it open and at the end when I mentioned a villain coming soon I was discussing Tirek. If I do decide to write a sequel, he will be the one to really test the marriage of Twilight and Celestia as just like in the show Tia, Luna and Cadi will have to transfer their magic to Twilight to prevent Tirek from taking it for himself, and yes if I decide to write this, Discord will betray Equestria like he does in the show.

I do have three stories scheduled for the start of 2015 so it may not be until late spring or early summer if I decide to write a sequel.

5437610 ok and i hope you do write a sequel for this story

5437617 For right now I have a story involving the CMC getting their cutie marks with the aid of Twilight Time scheduled, a third Colgate's Practice story scheduled and one where Mayor Mare decides to resign over the mane dying scandal uncovered in the Ponyville Confidential episode. Twily and Trixie will vie for the spot. So I will be busy starting January 1.

5437630 okay

This feels more like an authors outline than a story. It is a valiant effort but needs fleshing out. Details would be nice. Show us what the charators are doing don't tell us. That being said I like the concept and like some nice twilestia shipping.

5440895 I agree with that completely, Queen Luna 2016.

Where to start....

Pacing, pacing, pacing, this is not a race so why must you go from one end of the spectrum to another at the drop of the hat, is it because it's convenient? Well, convenience doesn't give the desired effect an author wants. For the rest of you who haven't gotten to Chapter 18: Parental acceptance, you might want to ignore the black spoiler censor.
if you want tension in a story, a simple engagement ring shouldn't change her mind, it makes her look like a cheap throw-away character instead of the overprotective/manipulative mother that would be against the marriage, whether if it's for her own gain or her daughter's safety and if her opinion was truly that weak she wouldn't have gone through all that she did to convince others they were wrong, this segment feels extremely rushed and could have been handled better.
Characterization... Alright, I do have to say for a good, long while Twilight seems out of character, but I can chalk that up to being a lovestruck ditz since that happens to anyone who's got it hard for someone else.

Without getting into much detail, I think this story is incomplete and rushed... You left out SO many little details and it takes away from the story, I'm not a huge fan of Twilestia ships, I'll admit that much, but I do know when a story is missing core elements that would otherwise create drama and tension, just like people complain that The Elements are a get jail out of free card I have the same complaint about many situations Twilight was put into in this story. You make it out to seem like there's a real conflict, and then you pull a Deus Ex Mechinima and *poof* problem's gone just like that.

The story was good, but you /need/ to hold onto the tension you create, romance stories don't have a whole lot of substance to them as it is which is why a great deal of them are 'cliche' with the complications that come with the relationship. "This rich guy likes me, and I like him back but he's sort of a jerk, but then there's this other guy... He's the nicest person I've ever met and I sent him away..." -Every Hallmark Movie EVER.

Romance as a genre is cliche', but the trick to creating a good romance novel or movie is being able to villainize a certain character, preferably someone that is extremely close to the main focus/focal point of a story and then making them easily hate-able. The Joker is a fantastic villain because he's SO easy to hate, but why do you hate him? He's a monster, that works for an action story. Now for a romance character that could easily be considered a villain... Shoot me for using this as an example as it's fresh in everyone's minds, but Hans from Frozen is also extremely easy to hate seeing as he is merely using Anna and making Elsa out to be this horrible, horrible person. At the start of the movie Anna seems to care for him (It's a Disney film, they did that to mock the whole 'love at first sight' thing and THAT made me happy.) but at the end, you see him as nothing more than someone who was trying to manipulate others in an attempt for a grab at power.

Bottom line is, I don't hate the story, I just feel it lacks any real form of conflict, I was given the idea that something would be problematic for the entirety of the story until it came to a final conclusion, whether positive or negative and was prepared for it, but I was not prepared for you to say "Oh, just kidding!" you made a character look rather... Pathetic, rather than anything else and for myself, it not only was immersion breaking (Ha, immersion, pastel colored talking horses.) but it was also confusing.

And now, I am about to subject myself to hate from a bunch of readers and possibly an author by using the generic "How many numbers out of ten?" rating system!

Story: 6.5/10 Certain scenes had little to no imagery/description to them, this is a tricky thing to do, but when done right you get classics like Lord Of The Rings that last for decades due to the vivid and believeable world they created.
Pacing: 4/10 This is where I really think I had a problem... Now while I hate stories that are waaaaay too slow (I'm sorry, FoE:PH fans, but let's face it, the story was over about a million words earlier.) this one just isn't slow enough, and it was like a rollercoaster ride whipping me back and forth until it ended, and when it did I was left wondering "What just happened?"
Characterization: 8/10 Celestia seemed OOC at times, but I like the portrayal of her in this.
Overall: 5.5/10

I /like/ the characterization, I really do, but the rest of the story needs a bit of touching up, this might not be the most constructive criticism because I really don't want to tell you what to do with your story, but if I had to give any advice... Work on setting a scene, if you want a story to turn out well and have halfway decent pacing the best thing you can do is set a scene, this is a bad example, but an example nonetheless:
"*insert character here* had been laying about in a field pondering their thoughts, only illuminated by the dim moonlight that was both welcome and distracting from the starry canvas above. Subconsciously running a hoof through the grass and thinking silently to him/herself. Luna, what does it take to create such a marvel? What is it like to be an artist who's masterpiece is on display for all? he/she wondered."

Compared to this:
"*insert character here* was laying in a field, staring up at the stars and idly running his/her hoof through the grass. The stars look nice tonight. He/she thought."

I guess with that, I've said all I wanted to say, no sense in me overstaying my welcome anymore than I have to.

-ToxicTalon

YES! TWILESTIA FIC!...........(sees only 32,000+ words for over 20 chapters) NO! WHY MUST YOU RUSH A GOOD STORY! (still going to read it!) (edit) oh wow i cant read any more its like listening to pinkie hyped up on crack

5476956 Xelos, you mentioned on how things would sound better. I have a question for you. Where in the world do I find an editor? Chances are most editors charge an arm and a leg for their services and I really don't have the resources to pay an editor. Are there any people out there who do editing for free?

5477380 Get some non-professionals. They may make SOME mistakes, but if you can find a good one, it will still be an improvement. I guess the main problem would be the fact that if they work for free, you cannot push them to get things done earlier.

5556213 Frankie2, I know Celestia does not speak like Luna and I know she does not belittle somepony else's feelings. However, I intentionally had Celestia speak like Luna to show how angry she was because of Twilight neglecting her royal duties. She was supposed to be out of character here. After that one chapter, she does not speak like that anymore.

5635547 Lunar Eclipsed, I reversed their roles for a brief while because Tia was mad as hell and wanted to let Twily know she meant business and Luna was impressed by Twily telling Tia how she really felt, especially because it took a lot of guts to do so, which is why I had her talking to Twily more the way anypony else would.

5636310 ok...my suggestion...get an editor and Re-write this. I stopped after the 5th chapter. Just re-write it!

This story feels Jagged but not bad

5636310 well, you made a good work, but, the storyline are quite confusing sometimes, but i appreciate it very much!

7232251 I have also heard him referred to as Crescent Sparkle. Since Night Light is not confirmed by Hasbro, or wasn't at the time this was written, I chose Crescent Sparkle. Mom---Twilight Velvet Dad---Crescent Sparkle.....Twilight gets her name from both parents. That is the main reason why I chose Crescent Sparkle.

I only got to chapter 4 before I gave up. The OOC was killing it.

Is there going to be second story that tells what Twilight's and Celestia's future will be?

7780331 You know, I never even considered that. Thanks for the idea, I'll put it in my 2017 to do list.

This is not a terrible story. Yet it's far from Good. The Characters are all out of it, the pacing is faster than a freaking Space Shuttle, the conflict is resolved way to easily, it was extremely rushed, and the sentences are extremely choppy and need to be updated so their more fluid and flow into one another.

All in all, it has the necessary potential to be amazing, it just needs a massive upgrade in all Categories.

11800985
Oh.

The story is amazing, it does feel a bit rushed, I do feel like everything went by a bit to fast and the way everyone acts in this story is way out of character, but it still was a good story to read.