- Member Since 21st Jul, 2013
- offline last seen 47 minutes ago
StormLuna
Princess Luna is the best princess and Nightmare Moon is the best queen.
StormLuna
Joined 21st Jul, 2013 ·
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i like it and please make more chapters for this story until it is complete
Read the first chapter, can't read any further. The writing is flat and lifeless - there's no description, no flair; your characters feel like bored actors spouting lines that aren't suited to them in the first place. Your writing feels more like someone talking about the story he wants to write and what will happen in it than an actual story.
I am abig fan of twilestia, but you need a good editor. Might i suggest heading over to the twilestia group page, and asking around?
Your story lacks a bit of depth, and is rather forced and clunky, but the premise is there.
Okay. This is where I have to stop reading this. Celestial would never be like this, EVER! Also, when does she ever sneer or use the Royal We? Seriously, I won't go as far as to say this is garbage but I will not continue to read this.
5436192 Dream, this story is completed. I simply forgot to click on complete when I submitted it for approval.
5437174 ok then can you write a sequel for this story
5437405 dream1990, I had not initially planned on writing a sequel to this story. Now I could do so considering I left it open and at the end when I mentioned a villain coming soon I was discussing Tirek. If I do decide to write a sequel, he will be the one to really test the marriage of Twilight and Celestia as just like in the show Tia, Luna and Cadi will have to transfer their magic to Twilight to prevent Tirek from taking it for himself, and yes if I decide to write this, Discord will betray Equestria like he does in the show.
I do have three stories scheduled for the start of 2015 so it may not be until late spring or early summer if I decide to write a sequel.
5437610 ok and i hope you do write a sequel for this story
5437617 For right now I have a story involving the CMC getting their cutie marks with the aid of Twilight Time scheduled, a third Colgate's Practice story scheduled and one where Mayor Mare decides to resign over the mane dying scandal uncovered in the Ponyville Confidential episode. Twily and Trixie will vie for the spot. So I will be busy starting January 1.
5437630 okay
sorry Twilight's too out of character.
This feels more like an authors outline than a story. It is a valiant effort but needs fleshing out. Details would be nice. Show us what the charators are doing don't tell us. That being said I like the concept and like some nice twilestia shipping.
Queen Luna 2016.
Didn't we cover most of this stuff already?
5440895 I agree with that completely, Queen Luna 2016.
Modern English, Luna
Where to start....
Pacing, pacing, pacing, this is not a race so why must you go from one end of the spectrum to another at the drop of the hat, is it because it's convenient? Well, convenience doesn't give the desired effect an author wants. For the rest of you who haven't gotten to Chapter 18: Parental acceptance, you might want to ignore the black spoiler censor.
if you want tension in a story, a simple engagement ring shouldn't change her mind, it makes her look like a cheap throw-away character instead of the overprotective/manipulative mother that would be against the marriage, whether if it's for her own gain or her daughter's safety and if her opinion was truly that weak she wouldn't have gone through all that she did to convince others they were wrong, this segment feels extremely rushed and could have been handled better.
Characterization... Alright, I do have to say for a good, long while Twilight seems out of character, but I can chalk that up to being a lovestruck ditz since that happens to anyone who's got it hard for someone else.
Without getting into much detail, I think this story is incomplete and rushed... You left out SO many little details and it takes away from the story, I'm not a huge fan of Twilestia ships, I'll admit that much, but I do know when a story is missing core elements that would otherwise create drama and tension, just like people complain that The Elements are a get jail out of free card I have the same complaint about many situations Twilight was put into in this story. You make it out to seem like there's a real conflict, and then you pull a Deus Ex Mechinima and *poof* problem's gone just like that.
The story was good, but you /need/ to hold onto the tension you create, romance stories don't have a whole lot of substance to them as it is which is why a great deal of them are 'cliche' with the complications that come with the relationship. "This rich guy likes me, and I like him back but he's sort of a jerk, but then there's this other guy... He's the nicest person I've ever met and I sent him away..." -Every Hallmark Movie EVER.
Romance as a genre is cliche', but the trick to creating a good romance novel or movie is being able to villainize a certain character, preferably someone that is extremely close to the main focus/focal point of a story and then making them easily hate-able. The Joker is a fantastic villain because he's SO easy to hate, but why do you hate him? He's a monster, that works for an action story. Now for a romance character that could easily be considered a villain... Shoot me for using this as an example as it's fresh in everyone's minds, but Hans from Frozen is also extremely easy to hate seeing as he is merely using Anna and making Elsa out to be this horrible, horrible person. At the start of the movie Anna seems to care for him (It's a Disney film, they did that to mock the whole 'love at first sight' thing and THAT made me happy.) but at the end, you see him as nothing more than someone who was trying to manipulate others in an attempt for a grab at power.
Bottom line is, I don't hate the story, I just feel it lacks any real form of conflict, I was given the idea that something would be problematic for the entirety of the story until it came to a final conclusion, whether positive or negative and was prepared for it, but I was not prepared for you to say "Oh, just kidding!" you made a character look rather... Pathetic, rather than anything else and for myself, it not only was immersion breaking (Ha, immersion, pastel colored talking horses.) but it was also confusing.
And now, I am about to subject myself to hate from a bunch of readers and possibly an author by using the generic "How many numbers out of ten?" rating system!
Story: 6.5/10 Certain scenes had little to no imagery/description to them, this is a tricky thing to do, but when done right you get classics like Lord Of The Rings that last for decades due to the vivid and believeable world they created.
Pacing: 4/10 This is where I really think I had a problem... Now while I hate stories that are waaaaay too slow (I'm sorry, FoE:PH fans, but let's face it, the story was over about a million words earlier.) this one just isn't slow enough, and it was like a rollercoaster ride whipping me back and forth until it ended, and when it did I was left wondering "What just happened?"
Characterization: 8/10 Celestia seemed OOC at times, but I like the portrayal of her in this.
Overall: 5.5/10
I /like/ the characterization, I really do, but the rest of the story needs a bit of touching up, this might not be the most constructive criticism because I really don't want to tell you what to do with your story, but if I had to give any advice... Work on setting a scene, if you want a story to turn out well and have halfway decent pacing the best thing you can do is set a scene, this is a bad example, but an example nonetheless:
"*insert character here* had been laying about in a field pondering their thoughts, only illuminated by the dim moonlight that was both welcome and distracting from the starry canvas above. Subconsciously running a hoof through the grass and thinking silently to him/herself. Luna, what does it take to create such a marvel? What is it like to be an artist who's masterpiece is on display for all? he/she wondered."
Compared to this:
"*insert character here* was laying in a field, staring up at the stars and idly running his/her hoof through the grass. The stars look nice tonight. He/she thought."
I guess with that, I've said all I wanted to say, no sense in me overstaying my welcome anymore than I have to.
-ToxicTalon
YES! TWILESTIA FIC!...........(sees only 32,000+ words for over 20 chapters) NO! WHY MUST YOU RUSH A GOOD STORY! (still going to read it!) (edit) oh wow i cant read any more its like listening to pinkie hyped up on crack
Dialog is kind of choppy and doesn't flow as well as it could.
For example:
In sentences like this it's better to word it as such...
To make it flow even better you could edit it to say...
Other then those few things it's a good story.
*edit*
I just finished reading some of the other chapters and well...'ToxicTalon' pretty much said everything I could want to.
...WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON! Seriously I feel like I'm reading about a play that was performed by the in patients of a mental hospital. Everything is all over the place.
5476956 Xelos, you mentioned on how things would sound better. I have a question for you. Where in the world do I find an editor? Chances are most editors charge an arm and a leg for their services and I really don't have the resources to pay an editor. Are there any people out there who do editing for free?
5477380 Get some non-professionals. They may make SOME mistakes, but if you can find a good one, it will still be an improvement. I guess the main problem would be the fact that if they work for free, you cannot push them to get things done earlier.
Okay. Last chapter, Twilight was a little out of character, but given the circumstances, I let it slide. THIS! This, however, is going too far. Celestia does NOT talk like Luna. Celestia does NOT belittle somepony else's feelings. I was expecting Celestia to be possessed or something. I'm sorry, but I can not continue reading this.
5556213 Frankie2, I know Celestia does not speak like Luna and I know she does not belittle somepony else's feelings. However, I intentionally had Celestia speak like Luna to show how angry she was because of Twilight neglecting her royal duties. She was supposed to be out of character here. After that one chapter, she does not speak like that anymore.
okay......um...I have tried to read this story alot...several times i've picked it up, and tried to look past the things that seem...wrong about it...but i can't anymore, I can only get halfway through chapter three before I get sad, completely confused, and frustrated, wanting to just stop reading.
Luna and twilight brashly jump from one emotion to the next without and full explanation or character depth, Luna is so far out of character that I can't get in sync with her in the slightest...and the whole story is so fast that I can't get into a feel for the realm you've written....its too fast the characters don't seem to fit their setting and..and...sorry? I won't down click it cause I never see a reason to do such to a creative story... but...i can't read it either...
5620911 i agree that Lunas personality is not even remotely correct i highly doubt shed be so so mistrusting
while i find this story somewhat interesting i find it hard to keep reading celestia talking like luna and luna talking like celestia is just going to far out of teh realm of expectations
edit: i can ignore the serious breach of character because the story is interesting Also yay resoration of Lunas character
and character roles hath been restored i do hope they stay restored
5635547 Lunar Eclipsed, I reversed their roles for a brief while because Tia was mad as hell and wanted to let Twily know she meant business and Luna was impressed by Twily telling Tia how she really felt, especially because it took a lot of guts to do so, which is why I had her talking to Twily more the way anypony else would.
5636310 ok...my suggestion...get an editor and Re-write this. I stopped after the 5th chapter. Just re-write it!
This story feels Jagged but not bad
5636310 well, you made a good work, but, the storyline are quite confusing sometimes, but i appreciate it very much!
derpicdn.net/img/2013/2/19/248999/large.png
You've powered through the plot too quickly and the marriage came too quick. Also you should work on your characterisation, the speech didn't represent the characters and neither did their actions.
his name is Nightlight
Twilight Velvet i have some advice for you. TAKE A VERY LONG WALK OFF OF A VERY SHORT VERY TALL CLIFF
7232251 I have also heard him referred to as Crescent Sparkle. Since Night Light is not confirmed by Hasbro, or wasn't at the time this was written, I chose Crescent Sparkle. Mom---Twilight Velvet Dad---Crescent Sparkle.....Twilight gets her name from both parents. That is the main reason why I chose Crescent Sparkle.
I wanted to like this. Twily/Celestia aren't my favorite pairing,, but Twilight is always cute to read about.
Unfortunately, this story is just not well done. It isn't so much the drastically out of character actions by multiple ponies, as I have liked stories in the past that changed key characters and facts when they have been internally consistent. This story is out of character in different ways in each scene I have reached so far, so the changes don't add up to any kind of sense.
Early on, Luna is being a random twat with no explanation. Twilight was her first friend after she came back, but now she thinks she's a glory hound wing ding? Then she's sick of twilight's complaining after a single question of why? Couple the repeated statements that Celestia "made" Twi into an alicorn (um, she completed that spell herself...) with Luna maybe being jealous of Celestia's attention and this could have been a setup for a return of Nightmare Moon, but then suddenly Twilight goes all rage-face on her friends instead of shy/embarrassed when they discover her crush and then Luna is the nice princess and Celestia is being a heartless hag when Twilight bared her feelings. I'm no sun worshipper (I'm still mad at Celestia for the end of My Little Dashie) but this was so counter to Princess Goodness and Light's usual attitude that I had to double take to make sure I didn't skim past a change to an Angry-Luna PoV.
If that sounds random and drawn out, that's because it was!
There is a story buried in here somewhere, but it needs some more digging and shoring up of passages before it will be safe to cart out the treasure.
I only got to chapter 4 before I gave up. The OOC was killing it.
Is there going to be second story that tells what Twilight's and Celestia's future will be?
7780331 You know, I never even considered that. Thanks for the idea, I'll put it in my 2017 to do list.
Why make her parents evil? Just why?
This is not a terrible story. Yet it's far from Good. The Characters are all out of it, the pacing is faster than a freaking Space Shuttle, the conflict is resolved way to easily, it was extremely rushed, and the sentences are extremely choppy and need to be updated so their more fluid and flow into one another.
All in all, it has the necessary potential to be amazing, it just needs a massive upgrade in all Categories.
I think I figured out why Luna is giving Twilight those disapproving looks and is being a little harsh...
5437702
Ya think?
AHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!!!!!????!??!?!?! Why is everyone so out of character, AAAAAGH!
I am so confused....
Why are they acting so weird....
The story is interesting but the way the characters act is completely out of character, Twilight is acting like some kind of 10 year old, Celestia is acting like some kind of immature 15 year old, and Luna is acting like some kind of 20 year old.
I am so confused.
Wait so only those 2 saw them kissing? Nopony else? Well that's just strange, you would either figure only 1 of Twilight's parents would notice or hundreds of ponies would have seen them.
THANK YOU! I feel like this story is going way to fast.