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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I am abig fan of twilestia, but you need a good editor. Might i suggest heading over to the twilestia group page, and asking around?
Your story lacks a bit of depth, and is rather forced and clunky, but the premise is there.
Modern English, Luna
Dialog is kind of choppy and doesn't flow as well as it could.
For example:
In sentences like this it's better to word it as such...
To make it flow even better you could edit it to say...
Other then those few things it's a good story.
*edit*
I just finished reading some of the other chapters and well...'ToxicTalon' pretty much said everything I could want to.
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