So, one morning I just suddenly turn into Babs Seed, my favorite CMC. Weird, right?
Oh, no. It gets a lot weirder. I teleport to Equestria later and find out there is TWO Babs Seed's, including. I'm surprised the space time continuum didn't just suddenly collapse when we met face to face.
The weirdest part is I'm starting to fall in love WITH MYSELF! (Well, my new self.)
But hey, I'm in Equestria, that's every brony's dream come true, right? Well, it's not all rainbows and butterflies here. We're talking about MANEHATTAN, the most crime ridden place in Equestria.
This is going to be really weird experience.
(Cover art by me)
Heavily inspired by Becoming Sweetie Belle and An Apple Far From the Tree.
Chapters (1)
Nope.
5001787
Yeah I kind of regret writing this...
5001791 It's not so much that I hate it as I hate Babs, so two of them? Nope.
5001796
Oh, so it's just because you hate Babs.
How dare you make fun of Babs? She is adorable and the bravest out out of the CMC!I respect your opinion whole heartedly.5001847 I do wish you lots of luck with your story though.
5001851
Well, as it it looking, I'm probably going to get a shitload of dislikes without any constructive criticism.
5001859 Alright, well here's what I think part of your problem is.
>Brony In Equestria
There's a reason Equestria Daily banned these. Every single person and their grandmother has done them, so it' definitely not a premise I would recommend unless you have something REALLY unique.
5001869
Well the two stories that were inspired to make this were also BiE stories, so how does those stories differentiate from this one?
Well I saw your cry for critique as I was passing by, so I thought the least I could do was give some feedback.
It's... not very good. Reasons for this include it having terrible pacing and janky character introductions. The dialogue and narrative are also both very stiff and unrealistic.
Not going to shit on it for being a HiE though. I still believe those can legitimately work, even if they've been done to death and back. A really compelling gimmick is needed to make them stand out though, such as the duplicity thing used in the fics that inspired you to write this. When you copy said gimmicks though people tend to see you as a copycat, even if you DO acknowledge that you were inspired by something else.
But enough hate; while I don't have anything particularly nice to say about this fic in general, I will depart by telling you that writing this has at least had the effect of increasing your writing competency levels. The more you write, the better you get. Just keep at it and someday you'll write something that entertains others as well as yourself.
Hope this helped you a bit
5001938
THANK YOU!
I mean, thanks for the feedback!
I realize my writing is a bit klunky, especially the descriptions of things and pacing. People said the same thing for my other story, but people did say I did good on dialogue.
Should I continue this story, or just cancel it and move on to another fanfic?
5001954
Oh no problem at all, dear.
And you should never quit a story because it isn't very good; you should only quit it when YOU no longer wish to write for it. If writing for it isn't bringing you joy, then drop it like a bad habit! Don't write what you think your audience wants you to write; only write what YOU want to write.
Life's easier when you're not stressed, after all
I'm sorry, but just reading the story description makes me just...just.......
Man, the bad story groups are working overtime today.
I'm passing this one up because it doesn't sound inherently bad just from looking at it.
5002031
5002030
This is actually depressing. I've been working so hard with my friends to rid the site of bad fanfics, putting them in groups, and reviewing bad fanfics.
Now...I'm one of those people who has their stories added to the groups. Bit of irony, don't ya think?
5002030
Perhaps my opinion is colored by my knowing the author somewhat, but it doesn't sound unpalatable to everyone. I dunno, it sounds almost like a sitcom.
... Wait, maybe that's it.
5002041
Maybe you should review your own story? 
It would have been even better if your name had still been TheBadFanficReviewer.
Hey look. It's this thing. I remember when this concept was just a wee babe on the Apple Far From the Tree comments section. Ah, how time flies.
I'm not feeling constructive or critical today, so have an upvote.
5002047
*TheGuyWhoLikesBadFanfics.
Yeah. Alright, add it to Rage Reviews.
5002049
What ok thanks!
5002050
Crap, yeah, I remember those days, though.
5001791
Not quite...
5002163
wat
5002165
I mean to say that it looks promising...
5002247
But the execution is so...TERRIBLE!
5002271
Still, it can work...
Hmm.... Yeah, I'll give this a fav. It's looking like it could develop into something good. I'll admit it's a bit jumpy here and there, but the story itself seems fine so far. So my breath is baited.
On other topics... we should start a group for these fics. The premise is getting popular, and I'll admit I've taken an interest in the ones I've seen.
Ok, so you asked for some constructive criticism.
1. Slow the story down. It isn't a race to see how much you can fit in a chapter.
2. Add detail. I looked this over and realized, with detail, this could have been 2-3 chapters in and of itself. Plus, it would pace out the story.
3. Double-check your spelling, grammar, and structure. One thing that "turns readers off" is misspelled words, bad grammar, and not indenting new paragraphs.
4. Don't stop writing. My first story chapter had two pages of typos, but now my editor is having trouble finding mistakes. Your writing will improve with time. Guaranteed.
Hope this helped.
-MB-
5001869
Do you know who you're talking to? This Guy started a group that DESTROYS BiE stories.
5002041
Yeah. The time I added your other story to Knights of the 'something' table was a joke...
But this time, it almost deserves it.
5002445
Thanks for the feedback!
The basic idea of this story is somewhat appealing to me. Human becomes pony, has to deal with the trials of life after that. I'm interested in the possibilities that arise with becoming a pony without entirely replacing or trading lives with said pony. I'm probably just biased, but the story premise doesn't seem like a problem.
The description page isn't all that promising, though. It should be something shorter, sweeter, and not totally giving away what looks like it will be the first half of the story.
You could dramatically improve the storytelling of this chapter by slowing things down a bit. There aren't enough words here for all of the events that occur. Take your time - play out the interactions between protagonist and his mom, the freaking out, the convincing her to still care. Play out the initial shock of being a pony.
The story also gives an odd impression of telling more than showing (odd because this only happens in a few places), and I think this is actually as a result of overusing "I" - the narrator mentions himself almost every sentence. I did this, I thought that, now I'm thinking about myself. Perhaps as a writing exercise, try limiting yourself to using "I," "me" and other self words every fourth sentence at most. You'll probably be using filler or awkward contortions for the first bit, but you'll also find yourself describing more of what's going on around "me." Other characters doing stuff, important details, and so on.
There are other things I could poke at (like the obvious, wishful self-insert, or the Brony in Equestria-ness, or so on), but I think I'll make just one more point. The character interactions are... brief. Difficult. Forced. There's no nuance to them. I think one of the best things you could do for this is to think through this: What are the character's goals? How are they upset by the situation? What is their objective in the scene? If the characters really engage each other about what each of them wants out of this, how do they try to get the other on board?
That's all for now. I hope I helped.
You might want to go into more detail about who "you" are. Just a I am blah introduction, as well as describing the convention before saying it was amazing. The more "This guy is so Babs Seed it hurts" jokes the better. (Strawberry Fields xD).
I have to caution you there's a difference between writing a story in homage and falling into a stiff pre-written template. See every Pokémon Mystery Dungon fanfic ever. It was interesting how you were genre savvy about it, but there was a lot that didn't quite fit. In particular the Sweetie Belle story had her use her unicorn magic to teleport to Equestria, which doesn't really make sense for Apple Bloom or Babs Seed. You need to establish the characters more, and give us an idea of what it's like to be those people, so that we can understand what it means to them for him to turn into Babs.
So, that's the good part. You explained that you had turned into Babs Seed, when instead you should just describe what you turned into. We're a smart audience; we can figure it out. What we can't do is imagine it vividly without you painting the word pictures of just what the fuck we're looking at. You glossed over mom's reaction, not describing it any way other than "got up quickly" and "picked up aggressively." Got up from what? Describe it! Turned on the light? Describe it! Ran to where you were? Where were you? Describe it! Already described it? Describe it again! The rest of the story is full of these undescribed situations that leave us just dangling without context or vision.
How do you get adjusted to your body?
How do you spend more personal time together?
What do you do?
How did you share the news?
Where did you look up what ponies ate?
What did Sam look like?
Don't answer any of these questions. Describe the answer, in vivid detail!
Don't make us go research your obscure music just so we know what sort of thing you like to listen to.
The only idea any of us have of what your experience of being fillified is like, is that you can use a mouse, and some food you eat. There are more changes that you could go into a lot of detail about. People like it when you do that, because otherwise they can't imagine your reaction to anything other than eating.
Holy shit.
You bypassed so many conflicts in a single chapter that could have provided tons of writing material that it's not even funny.
If you continue with this story, I suggest slowing it down and addressing each issue one at a time. If you or anyone became a pony, the first thing you'll probably have trouble doing is operating your new body. Why not write about learning how to take a step without falling or at least stumbling every few paragraphs? Then once your character has mastered an imperfect approach to moving, you should open anything else up like going to Equestria or whatever is supposed to be happening.
Perfect example of why you need to slow down and try to write about the character more than him (and you) being so giddy to get to Equestria. I hope you continue with this story though.
CANCELLED?
And here I was writing one about Scoots.
5007602
Actually, rewritten.
So, On Hiatus
You're still gonna continue? (:(
>>Guardian of Brittania
I really liked the use of the other two stories as a reference; and its good advertising
5002545
YOU COMMENTED ON MY FANFIC?
5166225 Lol, yeah. One day I was bored and I saw this and I had to. Lel, way before you even found this account. How do you not notice that? Five weeks ago come on!
5166433
Before we fell in love, you posted that.
5166443 Eeyup.
Can't believe you just found out now. Are my past comments not that noticeable? Ineven favorited this story too back then, but neigh! Muhahaha now you notice me 
5166449
Check your PMs
5166456 Okie dokie lokie!
What's with all the down votes? I don't see anything wrong with this story
5197313
>minor Self Insert
>Human x Foal
>Self Clone Romance
>brony turned canon pony
I was wondering if you were going to collab with the authors of Becoming Sweetie Belle, the Scootaloo one, and the one where the person becomes Apple Bloom. It would be interesting that in a future chapter, Both Babs seeds get an invite to attend the apple family reunion and decide to RSVP.
5197313 Most likely because they don't like him maybe? It wasn't bad for me.
6006640 hey, i just hadn't found this until now. And we could work on collab, maybe. It would be tricky, though.
i'll see if i can find time to edit this so it stops getting flack. I'll get back to you when i'm done