I turn into an orange equine from a little girl's TV show
I thought about the crazy convention I went to the day before when I woke up. Grand Galloping Brony Gala was amazing! I got lots of merchandise there, including some DVDs of the seasons, some shirts, and my favorite one, an actual Babs Seed brushable.
I was thinking all of this at about 6:30 in the morning, but it was thankfully a Friday, so I didn't need to get up to school.
I got up and went to my vinyl record player. I picked up my favorite 45 single, Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles, and played it on my player. I noticed that my hands were getting a little orange, but that's probably because I've been out in the sun for a while, when traveling to the con. I grabbed my Babs brushable off a shelf and grabbed one of the pink plastic combs, then I went to my bed and just started to brush and brush while the song was playing.
I stared at the ceiling and started to think about, what else? Ponies! Mainly about my fanfiction I needed to write. I do have a keep a constant flow of chapters for my stories.
I started to fall back into my sleep when the record faded out. (This version didn't have the "cranberry sauce" fake fade out.) I swear the last thing that I saw was a mental image of Babs, but my eyes didn't bother to open again.
7:30 AM, October, 2015.
My alarm got me up. I forgot to set it so it wouldn't get me up on the weekends. I reached for the off button, but I felt my hand couldn't reach it. That's weird, since I could easily turn it off from where I was, farther even.
Whatever, I thought, I'll just get up and reach it next to it. I did that, and got out of bed. I fell flat on my face, which hurt badly. I never knew I was really, really short, since I could easily get out of bed with my legs supporting me up.
I went to check the mirror in the bathroom, but I couldn't reach the top. So I had to jump on to the sinks.
I quickly recognized the face that replaced myself. It was Babs Seed, but how?
Oh, no, I think I AM Babs Seed! I chased my tail around to see if I even had a tail. And I did.
Oh, god. It was like those fanfics, Becoming Sweetie Belle, and Apple Far from the Tree! I checked my hands to see if there were hooves, and they were! Orange hooves!
My brain put the long hair that Babs had in the show to cover my eye. I couldn't really see myself now, only half of me, the other half being the other side of me.
I jumped down and ran downstairs to alert Mom. Thank god the door was unlocked, so I ran in and shouted:
"Mom, mom! Ah've turned into a pony!" Wait, that voice didn't sound like mine, it sounded like Babs. And I couldn't feel my, uh, private place on my body. Not only have I switched bodies, but also my gender and my voice.
Mom got up quickly and turned on the lights. "Wait, what? Lemme see!" She ran to where I was and aggressively picked me up. "Oh my god! You're Rainbow Da-"
"Babs Seed, mom." I corrected. Mom only knows a few ponies because she sees me watch them when they air on TV. She only knows maybe some of the mane six and Babs Seed. I have know idea how she got that wrong, because I talk about her constantly.
"What are we gonna do? How will you eat? How will you go to the bathroom?" Mom asked me that and a lot more questions.
"Just put me down and Ah'll show yah!" I ordered. She did so, and I walked out of her room, mom following me.
For the next few days, we had to get adjusted to my new body, and ultimately my new life. Since it was just me and mom in the house, we got to spend a lot more personal time together.
First, we had to call my school to say I'm sick with the flu or something, since it would be weird to just walk to school as something from a kid's TV show. Plus, the anti bronies, or pretty much everyone else in my school, would make fun of me and beat me up.
Then we had to look up what ponies ate, specifically what they ate in the show, and not in real life. Thankfully, I am a vegetarian, so naturally I was used to not eating meat. Though I might had to say goodbye to eating yogurt and rice, since normal horses might not eat that kind of stuff.
Mom had do help me get some chairs so i could get up and eat, play my vinyl records, and so on. I also couldn't really type well on my computer, so we had to use an on screen keyboard that I could just simply click on a letter with my mouse, which I had no trouble using.
Finally, we had to keep low with publicity. One wrong move, and suddenly you're as popular as that Apple Bloom guy from the fanfic, An Apple Far From the Tree.
We only shared the news to the most trusted of friends and family.
Even an internet friend of mine who we are really close. She reacted...differently.
It was the third night of me turning into Babs, so not a lot has happened. I finished eating my dinner, mainly some asparagus with some fries and vodka sauce for dipping in, and I went upstairs to my room.
I put on the Styx album, Paradise Theater, on my record player, and went to my computer to talk to the internet friend on skype, Sam.
We video chatted on Skype, and I had to show her what I looked like. She said I looked "So cute" and asked me how I turned into a pony.
"I actually don't know." I said. "It was just a weird thing that happened overnight."
"Have you had to change your diet?" Sam said.
"Not really, just that I'm staying away from dairies." I replied. "I looked it up, and horses and ponies can eat it, but it's not good for me."
"So, what are you going to do now? Try to find a way to turn back into a human?"
"Probably. Being a filly, especially Barbara, is fun. But sometime I have to go back to my normal self, or be teleported to Equestria."
"When will that happen?" Sam asked
"If I follow the Apple Bloom fanfic, about 3 weeks or so. After 3 weeks of being Barbara, I'll sleep with a backpack with some essentials, like a phone to communicate to you guys."
"How are going to contact me and your mother if you're teleported to a different universe and dimension entirely?"
"Let's pray they have trans-dimensional cellular data." I joked.
After the call, I checked out the two stories that is similar to my situation, Becoming Sweetie Belle and An Apple Far From the Tree. Two different versions, but the same situation. Stuff like that is probably going to benefit me when I travel to Equestria.
The last thought that I was thinking before I go to sleep was a scary one:
What if I could never return to Earth? What if I had to be stuck in Equestria as Babs? Would I even be Babs Seed or would I be a human?
I just shrugged those off and drifted to sleep.
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Nope.
5001787
Yeah I kind of regret writing this...
5001791 It's not so much that I hate it as I hate Babs, so two of them? Nope.
5001796
Oh, so it's just because you hate Babs.
How dare you make fun of Babs? She is adorable and the bravest out out of the CMC!I respect your opinion whole heartedly.5001847 I do wish you lots of luck with your story though.
5001851
Well, as it it looking, I'm probably going to get a shitload of dislikes without any constructive criticism.
5001859 Alright, well here's what I think part of your problem is.
>Brony In Equestria
There's a reason Equestria Daily banned these. Every single person and their grandmother has done them, so it' definitely not a premise I would recommend unless you have something REALLY unique.
5001869
Well the two stories that were inspired to make this were also BiE stories, so how does those stories differentiate from this one?
Well I saw your cry for critique as I was passing by, so I thought the least I could do was give some feedback.
It's... not very good. Reasons for this include it having terrible pacing and janky character introductions. The dialogue and narrative are also both very stiff and unrealistic.
Not going to shit on it for being a HiE though. I still believe those can legitimately work, even if they've been done to death and back. A really compelling gimmick is needed to make them stand out though, such as the duplicity thing used in the fics that inspired you to write this. When you copy said gimmicks though people tend to see you as a copycat, even if you DO acknowledge that you were inspired by something else.
But enough hate; while I don't have anything particularly nice to say about this fic in general, I will depart by telling you that writing this has at least had the effect of increasing your writing competency levels. The more you write, the better you get. Just keep at it and someday you'll write something that entertains others as well as yourself.
Hope this helped you a bit
5001938
THANK YOU!
I mean, thanks for the feedback!
I realize my writing is a bit klunky, especially the descriptions of things and pacing. People said the same thing for my other story, but people did say I did good on dialogue.
Should I continue this story, or just cancel it and move on to another fanfic?
5001954
Oh no problem at all, dear.
And you should never quit a story because it isn't very good; you should only quit it when YOU no longer wish to write for it. If writing for it isn't bringing you joy, then drop it like a bad habit! Don't write what you think your audience wants you to write; only write what YOU want to write.
Life's easier when you're not stressed, after all
I'm sorry, but just reading the story description makes me just...just.......
Man, the bad story groups are working overtime today.
I'm passing this one up because it doesn't sound inherently bad just from looking at it.
5002031
5002030
This is actually depressing. I've been working so hard with my friends to rid the site of bad fanfics, putting them in groups, and reviewing bad fanfics.
Now...I'm one of those people who has their stories added to the groups. Bit of irony, don't ya think?
5002030
Perhaps my opinion is colored by my knowing the author somewhat, but it doesn't sound unpalatable to everyone. I dunno, it sounds almost like a sitcom.
... Wait, maybe that's it.
5002041
Maybe you should review your own story? 
It would have been even better if your name had still been TheBadFanficReviewer.
Hey look. It's this thing. I remember when this concept was just a wee babe on the Apple Far From the Tree comments section. Ah, how time flies.
I'm not feeling constructive or critical today, so have an upvote.
5002047
*TheGuyWhoLikesBadFanfics.
Yeah. Alright, add it to Rage Reviews.
5002049
What ok thanks!
5002050
Crap, yeah, I remember those days, though.
5001791
Not quite...
5002163
wat
5002165
I mean to say that it looks promising...
5002247
But the execution is so...TERRIBLE!
5002271
Still, it can work...
Hmm.... Yeah, I'll give this a fav. It's looking like it could develop into something good. I'll admit it's a bit jumpy here and there, but the story itself seems fine so far. So my breath is baited.
On other topics... we should start a group for these fics. The premise is getting popular, and I'll admit I've taken an interest in the ones I've seen.
Ok, so you asked for some constructive criticism.
1. Slow the story down. It isn't a race to see how much you can fit in a chapter.
2. Add detail. I looked this over and realized, with detail, this could have been 2-3 chapters in and of itself. Plus, it would pace out the story.
3. Double-check your spelling, grammar, and structure. One thing that "turns readers off" is misspelled words, bad grammar, and not indenting new paragraphs.
4. Don't stop writing. My first story chapter had two pages of typos, but now my editor is having trouble finding mistakes. Your writing will improve with time. Guaranteed.
Hope this helped.
-MB-
5001869
Do you know who you're talking to? This Guy started a group that DESTROYS BiE stories.
5002041
Yeah. The time I added your other story to Knights of the 'something' table was a joke...
But this time, it almost deserves it.
5002445
Thanks for the feedback!
The basic idea of this story is somewhat appealing to me. Human becomes pony, has to deal with the trials of life after that. I'm interested in the possibilities that arise with becoming a pony without entirely replacing or trading lives with said pony. I'm probably just biased, but the story premise doesn't seem like a problem.
The description page isn't all that promising, though. It should be something shorter, sweeter, and not totally giving away what looks like it will be the first half of the story.
You could dramatically improve the storytelling of this chapter by slowing things down a bit. There aren't enough words here for all of the events that occur. Take your time - play out the interactions between protagonist and his mom, the freaking out, the convincing her to still care. Play out the initial shock of being a pony.
The story also gives an odd impression of telling more than showing (odd because this only happens in a few places), and I think this is actually as a result of overusing "I" - the narrator mentions himself almost every sentence. I did this, I thought that, now I'm thinking about myself. Perhaps as a writing exercise, try limiting yourself to using "I," "me" and other self words every fourth sentence at most. You'll probably be using filler or awkward contortions for the first bit, but you'll also find yourself describing more of what's going on around "me." Other characters doing stuff, important details, and so on.
There are other things I could poke at (like the obvious, wishful self-insert, or the Brony in Equestria-ness, or so on), but I think I'll make just one more point. The character interactions are... brief. Difficult. Forced. There's no nuance to them. I think one of the best things you could do for this is to think through this: What are the character's goals? How are they upset by the situation? What is their objective in the scene? If the characters really engage each other about what each of them wants out of this, how do they try to get the other on board?
That's all for now. I hope I helped.
You might want to go into more detail about who "you" are. Just a I am blah introduction, as well as describing the convention before saying it was amazing. The more "This guy is so Babs Seed it hurts" jokes the better. (Strawberry Fields xD).
I have to caution you there's a difference between writing a story in homage and falling into a stiff pre-written template. See every Pokémon Mystery Dungon fanfic ever. It was interesting how you were genre savvy about it, but there was a lot that didn't quite fit. In particular the Sweetie Belle story had her use her unicorn magic to teleport to Equestria, which doesn't really make sense for Apple Bloom or Babs Seed. You need to establish the characters more, and give us an idea of what it's like to be those people, so that we can understand what it means to them for him to turn into Babs.
So, that's the good part. You explained that you had turned into Babs Seed, when instead you should just describe what you turned into. We're a smart audience; we can figure it out. What we can't do is imagine it vividly without you painting the word pictures of just what the fuck we're looking at. You glossed over mom's reaction, not describing it any way other than "got up quickly" and "picked up aggressively." Got up from what? Describe it! Turned on the light? Describe it! Ran to where you were? Where were you? Describe it! Already described it? Describe it again! The rest of the story is full of these undescribed situations that leave us just dangling without context or vision.
How do you get adjusted to your body?
How do you spend more personal time together?
What do you do?
How did you share the news?
Where did you look up what ponies ate?
What did Sam look like?
Don't answer any of these questions. Describe the answer, in vivid detail!
Don't make us go research your obscure music just so we know what sort of thing you like to listen to.
The only idea any of us have of what your experience of being fillified is like, is that you can use a mouse, and some food you eat. There are more changes that you could go into a lot of detail about. People like it when you do that, because otherwise they can't imagine your reaction to anything other than eating.
Holy shit.
You bypassed so many conflicts in a single chapter that could have provided tons of writing material that it's not even funny.
If you continue with this story, I suggest slowing it down and addressing each issue one at a time. If you or anyone became a pony, the first thing you'll probably have trouble doing is operating your new body. Why not write about learning how to take a step without falling or at least stumbling every few paragraphs? Then once your character has mastered an imperfect approach to moving, you should open anything else up like going to Equestria or whatever is supposed to be happening.
Perfect example of why you need to slow down and try to write about the character more than him (and you) being so giddy to get to Equestria. I hope you continue with this story though.
CANCELLED?
And here I was writing one about Scoots.
5007602
Actually, rewritten.
So, On Hiatus
You're still gonna continue? (:(
>>Guardian of Brittania
I really liked the use of the other two stories as a reference; and its good advertising
5002545
YOU COMMENTED ON MY FANFIC?
5166225 Lol, yeah. One day I was bored and I saw this and I had to. Lel, way before you even found this account. How do you not notice that? Five weeks ago come on!
5166433
Before we fell in love, you posted that.
5166443 Eeyup.
Can't believe you just found out now. Are my past comments not that noticeable? Ineven favorited this story too back then, but neigh! Muhahaha now you notice me 
5166449
Check your PMs
5166456 Okie dokie lokie!
What's with all the down votes? I don't see anything wrong with this story
5197313
>minor Self Insert
>Human x Foal
>Self Clone Romance
>brony turned canon pony
I was wondering if you were going to collab with the authors of Becoming Sweetie Belle, the Scootaloo one, and the one where the person becomes Apple Bloom. It would be interesting that in a future chapter, Both Babs seeds get an invite to attend the apple family reunion and decide to RSVP.
5197313 Most likely because they don't like him maybe? It wasn't bad for me.
6006640 hey, i just hadn't found this until now. And we could work on collab, maybe. It would be tricky, though.
i'll see if i can find time to edit this so it stops getting flack. I'll get back to you when i'm done